My wife told me that she is no longer in love with me, but still loves me. I want to get some kind of help but she won't go for anything. I've suggested counseling w/ religious figure or MC or even reading over one of marriage builders the books together. She just keeps telling me she needs time, I know we time to fix things but I feel that time with no positive action will only make things worse.

I'm very depressed and am having a lot of trouble dealing with this. I want to make my marriage strong again.

How should I try and get her to get help with me?

Mark, do you suspect she is having an affair?

Start reading about Plan A. That is where you act very calmly and nice toward her. You show her what a wonderful husband you can be. If there is anything she complained about it the past, you work on it.

Also is there any chance she could be having an affair? Some of the signs are there.

Welcome to MB, glad you found us but sorry you have to be here. So you got the old "I love you but I'm not in love with you". If you have read here it happens alot. Have you read the site? Checked out Emotional needs? Are filling any of her EN? Is she involved with someone else?

Thanks for your posts,
She said that there isn't anyone else and I believe her. We got married young (her19, me21) and she has commented recently that she has finally found herself. She has some works friends and they like going to see bands together and dancing.
I told her many times that it makes me feel like crap when she goes out without me. I've told her that I want to go out with her(even though I'm not really into it). I really think it hurting our marriage and she says its her only source of fun.

We defiantly need help and she doesn't see it that way....she just needs time......that's BS

(I'm looking at plan A right now)

Why don't you go with them? Are any of these work friends male? She may be having EA and doesn't even realize it yet.
What do the 2 of you do together to have fun?

Check out the work "friends". I'm sure there is a guy in there somewhere. She may be having an emotional affair. Also 99.9% of spouses having an affair deny it.

[quote]she is no longer in love with me, but still loves me[/qoute]

When you hear someone make a comment like that it's an indication of emotional needs not being met. The statement reflects a state of temporary feelings, because to say she still loves you implies long lasting commitment. But if the emotional needs go unmet long enough then thats when the problems appear.

I would go with them all the time, but we have to kids that need watching and we can't always get a sitter. So she thinks it's ok to go without me(this happens twice a month on average). Or she calls it a girls night out. For me I think the last guys night out was over 2 years ago.
Most of the work friends are women. And to be honest if there are guys from work there they aren't even her friends more co-workers.

What do we do for fun?...well that's a major issue, that i want to turn around. We ski/board, play cards, some sports, watch movies and play with our 2 kids. Not much else. And our work schedules are opposite, I have a normal schedule and she works at night and on saturday, so we aren't together enough either. We have done nothing but take from our relationship for the last 2 or more years and I want to change it. But right now she doesn't even like being in the same room as me. When I try to discuss some of our problems she doesn't want to.

I'm going to check into the EA some more, i feel this relationship slipping away very fast. Even from my end, it's hard to stay in love with someone who doesn't love you back. She is my world and I just found out that "world" doesn't exist. It's all i can think about.

Thanks for your posts,

Mark, do a bit of investigating. Check her cell phone records, her email etc.. I would bet my life she is involved in at least an EA. She is getting some emotional needs met elsewhere hence the I love you not in love with you speech. Get the book His Needs Her Needs and start reading it. Fill out the EN questionaire together or fill it out for her if she won't and start filling her top EN's.

I think you are in denial on this and if you want to save things don't sit back and do nothing.

I saw 2 Brothers-In-Law divorce over these exact circumstances. Their wife’s had new friends and they went out for girl’s night out. They started going out more and more and next thing they know both of their wife’s said they are no longer in love with them.

They denied any Affairs, both of them. It turned out both of them were in fact having Affairs. One of them was caught by recording phone conversations and the other one was caught by a phone call. One of the guys got angry because she was having sex with a lot of guys and he got angry with her. He then called the husband and turned her in.

Here is the bad news is they both divorced and both of those women really did regret what they did. I know they are unhappy so it is sad. In both of those cases they started going out with single or divorced women who fill their heads with how great it is being single.

You are in denial if you don't think guys are hitting on your wife. Most WS will lie out of their teeth so she will probably not tell you the truth. My wife denied until I showed her a video I had of them. I am divorcing my wife because I just can't stand her anymore.

You need marriage counseling right now with a pro-marriage counselor. If I could bet you money I would bet you there is a guy involved. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.

Mark,

Don't look to her to admit anything. If she is having an inappropriate friendship/relationship she will not admit it unless faced with overwhelming evidence and even then will deny they are more than just "friends". It's most likley a co-worker but could be some guy she met at the bar when out with friends or a friend of one of the "gals" at work. Also be wary of contact with any old boyfriends...even old high school flames (my wife was hooked by an old high school boyfriend).

The "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech is so common on these infidelity boards we even have an abbreviation for it ... "ILYBNILWY" or "LYBNILY"...whatever, I think you get the point.

Keep your chin up...all is not lost....we will help you through this and YOU WILL MAKE IT, MOST LIKELY WITH YOUR MARRIAGE INTACT BUT EITHER WAY YOU WILL MAKE IT.

Mr. Wondering

Mark,

My heart goes out to you. I'm putting my husband through the same crap right now. I had a brief, sexually-based A (affair) over the summer. The OM (other man) dumped me. Then I told my husband I didn't love him anymore. We started MC (marriage counseling) immediately. At the time, I was thinking it would help us split-up gracefully for the sake of the children. Three weeks later, I told my husband about the affair and we REALLY started working on our relationship.

The point is, when I was still in withdrawl from the affair -- "the fog" they call it around here -- I purposely AVOIDED this website. I agreed to MC, but didn't hold out much hope. I wanted affirmation that I should leave the marriage, not a bunch of reasons to work on it. Sounds like your wife feels the same way. But my husband did some things that made me change my mind and agree to give us another try:

1. He IMMEDIATELY acknowleged that he had not been meeting my needs. He said, "I asked myself, 'what have I given this woman over the last several years?' And the answer is 'NOTHING'".

2. He took action. Back rubs. Flowers. Arranged a trip to a spa for a pedicure and manicure. Started spending more time talking to me and listening to me. At first it was awkward and even felt kind of yucky for me. But the ice eventually started to melt and all that attention feels good now.

3. Made improvements to himself. Stopped drinking and gambling as much. Stopped watching porn entirely. Made sure he did lots of chores around the house. Started paying more attention to our children and treating them better.

4. Made it clear he was not interested in being a doormat. He stated that he wanted nothing more than to make our marriage not only good, but great, and that he'd do everything humanly possible to make that happen. But if, in the end, I still didn't want him, he wouldn't hang around puppy-dogging after me.

He had never heard of "Plan A" (have you read about plan A on this website yet?). But he instinctively did just the right combination of self improvement and meeting my needs, while still remaining strong and refusing to be taken advantage of, to get my attention. Even though my affair was over, it took some time and repetition on his part for me to start to come around. If your wife is actively having an affair now, it will be even harder for you and will take even longer. YOU CAN DO IT. BUT FIRST YOU NEED TO FIND OUT FOR SURE WHETHER SHE'S CHEATING. If my affair had still been underway when I first told my husband that our marriage was in trouble, I doubt I would have told him the truth about the affair. It was only after the affair ended and I started working my way through withdrawl that wanted to work on our marriage. And it's still very much a work in progress.

Your situation sounds so similar to mine and my husbands. We work opposite schedules. We have two small children. Those two things alone can put a tremendous strain on a marriage. It was like we were living separate lives. We were both so unhappy and lonely, but didn't tell each other.
It happened so gradually, I'm not sure we even realized what a funk we were in.

I agree with the other posters who have encouraged you to go with your wife on her outings. Move heaven and earth to get a sitter if you have to. But I would add one more thing. You said you're 'not really into it'. PRETEND YOU ARE INTO IT! Nothing kills fun like a person who doesn't really want to be there. No wonder she doesn't ask you to come along. In the long run, there may be more room to compromise on recreation. But right now, you need to be in crisis mode.

There are many wise people here who will help and support you. Keep posting. Take their advice. Be strong. You can do this!!!

--SC

Mark, as others have posted almost 100% certainty of an affair here. You need to investigate and then expose. Simple as that.