My wife works with OM but has not had any contact (they work at different locations). She put her two weeks in and now he emails her "wanting to talk". She sent this to me immediately but just deleted it. I thought maybe if she just replied "No" and copied me on the email he would get the message. She just wants to ignore it but I know he will probably call her if he doesnt hear from her. I really want to call this guy and give him a piece of my mind but i wont. Any ideas?

Hi gearhead,

NC means NC for both of you. Am I presuming correctly that a NC letter was sent? Then you both just delete this email and block his address.

Silence from both of you sends a much clearer message than any "piece of your mind" ever could.

G

There was a NC email. It is her work email (for another week at least) and OM cant be blocked b/c they are on the same server. She will be gone from there shortly. The quicker the better.

Don’t forget to do something special for your wife for her honesty. Take her out to dinner, give her a present or something and tell her it is for appreciation for her steps to recovery.

Thanks, thats a great idea. I'll pick her something up on my way home.

What about letting OM wife know he is trying to contact my wife. Maybe after she has left the company-in about a week. Or should I just forget about it and ignore it?

Bigger,

That was a great Idea! I loved it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Gearhead,

She may be on the same server but I'll be she can still set up a rule in her email client to automattically delete any emails for the OM.

If she's not sure how have her look it up in the help file for the email client. You can usually just search for "rules". She should find plenty of info there.

BTW: the OM is just likely "testing the waters" to see if she "really" wants no contact. Ignore it. He'll eventually get the message.

Every time xOW tried to contact my husband, I talked with OWH.

If they are still together and if the OM in your situation is playing with his wife, it will indeed have a GREAT affect!!!! Don't keep this a secret!!!
OM will stop contacting your wife because he will realize that you two are sharing this info and that there are no longer any secrets between the two of you!!!!!

The xOW in our situation trieed to call my husband on his "old" cellphone............she didn't know that it was "my" cellphone" because my husband now had a new one.
My husband phoned her back (because her number was an identified one) and yelled into her voicemail to leave us alone and to get out of our life!!!!!!

Since then she never again tried to intiate contact with him. We did have anomynous calls but that is over with too.

I'd say: No secrets means NO SECRETS!!!<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

bb

So say I tell the OM's wife. Do I tell my wife what I've done. And if I tell her or if she finds out wont she lose trust in confiding in me ??? She already told me she was just going to delete the email and just forget about it but decided to forward it over to me b/c she knew I would want to know.

I don't see how she would unless she's still pining for him. I agree with the others. Put OM's mess back in his court and let his wife have the benefit of knowing the snake she's still living with.

FROM EXPERIENCE: EVERY single contact - even if the email gets deleted is still CONTACT. Contact in any form - even the smallest is POISON. Put the heat to this chump and let his wife know he's still playing games. When he gets home and she cuts his ****** off and hands it to him he'll get the picture that maybe you and your wife are all done playing games and that you are just too dangerous to mess with. He's not looking for more chaos unless he's the one propagating it.

Go forth and EXPOSE.

-Fluke

I always told my husband that I was going to contact OWH. I always told him before I did it. When I look back, I think this was also my way of testing my husband. It was important for me to see how he reacted.
My husband told me that the affair was over with and if it helped "us" he had no problem with it.

OWH even came to our house and we had a talk with him concerning xOW intiating contact with my husband. This really opened my husbands eyes...........

If the affair is truely over with, I don't see a problem about informing OW and I don't see how your wife should have a problem with you telling OW.
Even better would be to write a NO CONTACT letter. Send it together with a copy of the email.

This will show OW and OWH that you and your wife are working "together" and it will also help you and your wife to get back the "Team" feeling because you are doing this together.

bb

Hello,

Maybe you already answered this but did I read your timeline correctly. You married in January 05 and your wife was engaged in a sexual affair only 7 months later during this honeymoon period? After being caught she continued again and was caught again? I would have to ask why you did not get your marriage annulled? Again I apologize if you have already answered this question but why in the world would your wife cheat on you during your honeymoon period and why would you wish to stay with someone who would put your health at such risk at the beginning of your marriage?
I am totally floored.

Bryanp

I wasn't aware of this...............this does make the situation different.........

hmmmmmmmmmm

bb

As far as recovery goes you are most likely in a good place. Your wife showed the correct response in telling you directly about the contact. It shows she is taking the recovery seriously.

When deciding whether to tell the OMW then talk to your wife. Ask her what she thinks and let her be part of the decision process. Think of all the pro’s and con’s of contacting OMW and discuss this with your wife. Try to reach a decision you are both comfortable with. Be both present when you phone (if that is your decision) or both compose the e-mail.

I think bypassing your wife and contacting the OMW might be seen as a LB by her. A lack of trust so shortly after she shows such commitment. I say concentrate on recovery not on the affair.

Yeah the timeline is correct. You can read previous post by me to get the whole story but the PA only happened one drunken night.


Yes, I caught her lying to me about contacting him via phone and email.



Although it was something I considered, I came to the conclusion to give it another try and let her actions speak louder than words. She has shown me she truly does love me and wants it to work.

Quick update-

Last night on my way home from work I decided to call OM's wife and let her know. She was quite shocked. More than anything I wanted her to know b/c if it was the other way around I would want to know. Plus I get a little pleasure knowing it might ruin his Christmas. OM's wife has already threatened to never allow him to see his kids again if he continued contact. My wife didnt want to reply to the email and we decided to just ignore it. I hope by telling his wife it sends a message to that A-hole that my wife doesnt want anything to do with him anymore and there arent any more secrets. I also told my wife, after the fact, that I did call OM's wife and told her the he had emailed my wife. She said she didnt care and she wasnt mad at me at all for doing it.

Another clear example of 'The truth shall set you free.'

Let's not beat gearhead up too much on the timeline. I'm sure he's completely aware of it. Gearhead, is it a possiblity that you and your wife seek some counseling together? That she did do this, it shows something is going on inside of her. (I would probably guess it's just immaturity, based on your youthful marriage ages.) However, it'd be a wise decision to make sure, you never know what a person might be supressing from their youth....

I actually recorded the phone conversation with OM's wife and allowed my wife to hear it(you could only hear her and not me though)



I have been to a counselor twice - once with my wife and once without. I will be going back by myself b/c i think we need some IC before we start MC. We talk a lot and I know everything from her past. There is possibly a couple things we need to discuss about her past.

Gearhead.

It really sounds like your wife is willing and trying to reconcile. I encourage you to emphasise that in your mind. I guess constantly saying “Geee honey – I am so proud you were honest” would be a love-buster. Honesty is something we should expect not be surprised about.

Do something together that is “not affair related”. I.e. something together as a family, as a couple or just something that you know your wife would appreciate. In my case when working on my relationship my wife told me she rekindled her love for me when I sneaked the kids out on a Saturday morning and took them to the park – letting her sleep in. She said that when we came home we were all so happy. She realised that she wanted in on that happiness. Mind you we were not facing recovery from infidelity but the typical “I love you but not in love with you” scene.