I have been an avid lurker on the forum since finding out two months ago that my wife was having an affair. A friend who has been through it has been a great support person. However, I need more advice so here’s my situation (I apologize in advance for the length of this post):

Background: Married 13 years, together 17 years. 3 kids (12, 10 & 6). The largest stressor is probably long term financial issues which have caused a lot of unhappiness.

In October my wife admitted to having spent a night that weekend with another man (my Anniversary weekend no less) and that it had happened once before two months earlier (that time no hotel, drunk spur of the moment thing). She assured me that it was over, that the only contact they had since August were a few phone calls planning the October meeting (which was actually planned for September). Wanting to learn more I asked for his full name and she informed me that it was long, difficult to pronounce and she didn’t know how to spell it. Well, I found a paper with an e-mail address on it and Googled it. Luckily, he has used the address on-line and I discovered his name. Googling the name I found his address and work address. After the October revelation I got the message of how much trouble my marriage was in and began immediate steps to try to fix what I am at fault for (of course, they are the same things that we argued about before but obviously I didn’t think they would lead to where I am now) I have become a horrible snoop (I hate that) and learned much about her and the guy. Learned that they had a number of contacts by phone and e-mail (she denies the e-mail still). However, she said they were through and that it would not happened again. I took her at her word. Well, during mid-last week while snooping I found a paper with directions and a phone number. A reverse phone search revealed it was a hotel. She was to go out of town shopping last weekend made numerous assurances after questioning that all she was doing was shopping and seeing her sister. I called the hotel hoping that she had a change of heart and came to her senses and was hoping that the clerk would tell me that the guy and her were not registered. Sadly, the clerk simply advised that they had stepped out. I called back later and when he answered I said “Put (wife) on you little sh-t. He paused and then said that she had left fifteen minutes earlier. I new he was lying so I cussed a little more and she then called me back.

According to friends and family that are aware of the situation, my wife feels guilty, is sorry and wants to work on making the marriage work. So here are my questions:

1. She tells me that my catching them in a hotel at which he was sure no one would find them freaked him out and that he promptly left telling her to work it out with me. She assures me that he will not contact her and she will not contact him. However, I personally will not be comfortable until a no contact letter goes out. She has so far hesitated (though she says she is considering it) despite me telling her that she ought to do it if for no other reason than that I need it for my mental health. Also, she thinks I should not have cussed at him, but that it was probably her I should be cussing at (wouldn't that just be a major love buster though if the intent is to work it out?).

2. After the confrontation by phone while she was at the hotel, she asked why I didn’t tell her I knew what she was doing and stop her. Frankly, I had been dropping hints that I suspected she was doing something she should not do and I believe she would have just lied and changed the place of their meeting. I suppose I hoped she would come to her senses and not go through with it. I also thought it was more powerful to catch them in the act and that that might jar her back to reality. Should I have confronted her beforehand and told her I know what she was about to do? In other words, she is almost making me feel as though it’s my fault they met since I had prior knowledge of the meeting and I was in the wrong for not stopping it.

3. I think it is crucial that we enroll in marriage counseling. I feel like there are things that need to be said and that those things would be more productive with a moderator rather than just the two of us where the possibility exists for feelings and defensive posturing to come into play. How do I convince her to go?

Thanks for what I know will be good advice.

"She assures me that he will not contact her and she will not contact him."

Welcome. How many times has she "assured" no contact now? She needs to write a no contact letter and send it. Also if he is married, his wife needs to be informed.

I would insist on counseling. If she won't go, go by yourself. She sounds very, very foggy still.

Essentially I have been told two times that there will be no more contact. Of course, that was after the first time she told me about what she did and then after this past weekend when I interrupted the evening.

Regarding the no contact letter. I agree that it must be done, if for no other reason than it is a symbol of her committment to us. If she sends the letter, I think that I will be able to calm down a little and believe her when she tells me there will be no more contact.

He is married, divorce is pending. I have learned that there have been no papers filed in that case since case was filed in 10/04. So I do not know if they are actually together still or not. My wife says he told her it should be final in a month. I actually attempted to call her today. I got a number from superpages.com that is listed in both their names. However, no one was home. Not quite sure how I am going to begin that conversation, but will wing it I suppose. I agree 100% that she should be told. I have since learned of at least two friends that knew details about what my wife was doing. She had told them about it. They told her not to do it, that it was wrong. I wish they told me or forced her to tell me.

It is essential that you notify the wife of the OM. She may not even know that all of this is going on. At least she deserves to know the truth so she can decide what to do.

Your wife will probably be very angry, but then they all are. They get over it.

You might want to post on general questions, as there is much more traffic there, and a lot of experts.