Just curious about this one... I understand that a WS will rewrite history of the relationship to try to alleviate the WS guilt/justify an A. I read somewhere that Dr. H said the WS can never completely escape their conscience. So is a WS really troubled by their actions years later even if they haven't left the WS-mentality behind, or is it more likely that they rationalize it in their minds to avoid feeling the guilt?

As a BS, I scoured our M/relationship/myself to find areas to improve and no matter how small the issue, I feel regret for those things. Maybe my conscience/high guilt factor is why I wasn't the WS even though I had fewer needs met and worked so hard at meeting H's needs even before the A. Maybe some people just aren't bothered by their conscience as much. Thoughts? Thanks

I really think it depends on the WS - who they were pre-A and what they became during the A.


This is my STBX! He is the most entitled person I've ever known, IE he is entitled to 'be happy' with OW. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> If he isn't happy with her, then it's my fault because I won't play nicely. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> He insists all the time he and I will be great friends, that I will be going over to their place for meals etc, that even the OW and I will be 'like sisters'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> He's so deluded it's untrue.

He is also not a religious man. People have said that that religious belief doesn't necessarily affect the conscience (increase it), but I'm not so sure. I'm not a very religious person myself, but I was brought up in a very religious household and much of my upbringing has stayed with me (if you like, I've retained much of the 'moral code' of Christianity, if not the belief!). STBX was brought up in a very 'individualistic' household - I'm afraid that he's a bit of a moral relativist - at least, he certainly is now!

Another thing about STBX is that he has a very high IQ, and is very talented in many areas - hence he has always received a lot of praise and cosseting. He has a very high EN for admiration (something I was kind of aware of before I found MB and its concepts, but his constant need for pampering irritated me, I have to admit!) He gets plenty from OW, of course. In fact. she gives him everything he thinks he was missing from me. The pampering, the praise, the fact that she 'understands' him (they are both teachers, and I'm not!).

So, his rather narcissistic needs are all met by the OW, and he even get to see his kids (whom he adores) on his own terms now (I had requested that they not meet the OW until we were divorced, but he introduced them to her anyway). He's getting the divorce he wanted - I tried the MB way but just couldn't take the humiliation any more. Everything is rosy for him at the moment. Why should his conscience bother him?

There is the matter of my illness, of course. In April 2004 I was dianosed with Crohn's disease (a painful, disabling and incurable illness of the gut) and around this time he began his EA with the OW. It became a PA just before Christmas last year. He showed no interest in finding out about the illness, and never asked me about it, or how I was feeling. Worst of all, left me to battle this illness all alone, and that's the unkindest cut of all.

The children, too, have been almost destroyed by his walking out. They were 100% certain that their mommy and daddy would always be together, and were so secure and happy. The afternoon before he told me about his A he and I were kissing and flirting in the kitchen, in front of DD12, and she was laughing and rolling her eyes in pretend embarrassment. How can she cope with seeing that, and her dad leaving the very next day to be with another woman?

I don't know how he justifies these things in his mind; it's truly beyond me, but he does. He seemed to think that as long as we could all be 'friends' then no-one would really be hurt. He is beginning to realise now that the 'friends' thing isn't going to happen. But instead of feeling guilty, he blames me (what's new) and accuses me of hurting the children and being selfish. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Some WSs never 'get it'. I think my STBX is in that category. Sometimes, the worst hurts inflicted, those which should carry the most guilt and baggage, are those which are most strenuously ignored and denied.

I know this is true for my STBX. I don't think he'll ever admit blame, or wrongdoing, or say 'sorry' to me. He'll always think our break up was my fault.

So I'm divorcing him.

Alph.

Alphin,

I have kept up on your story and I just want you to know that I'm so impressed with how you've handled yourself. I don't think I could have done it if my H had moved in w/ OW just down the street.

So, although I haven't faced what you have, like you I have had to endure ALL the blame for everything that has gone wrong in his life, including after the D. It doesn't matter that I really was a good W before all this and that I tried super extra hard in Plan A and during the false R's. It will always be all my fault and he is never, ever to blame.

I should mention that my H & OW didn't work out long before the D was final. My H just never left the WS mentality/fog and continued to see other women (including one that had a website advertising "special dates" - for a fee of course).

I think part of it is that deep down he knows that his conscience can't bear the guilt of what he did, so he runs away from it and tries to push it off onto me. Once I started refusing to accept any blame and be his abuse victim any longer, he was done with me. Oh well.

Alphin, I really do not think that A/omelette relationship will last, and one day your H will have to look around and realize that the problems were with him too and not just you/your M. Even if it does last, your H will not be able to walk your daughters down the aisle for their weddings without serious guilt/remorse. You have eared the luxury of looking your daughters in the eye and saying that you were true to their father and tried to save the M. You have that same luxury when you find a good man.

I hope you and your daughters enjoy the holidays! (And I also hope that one day I will have children.)

Take care!

Nev,

What a lovely post to me - thank you so much!

Have a peaceful Christmas and a happy and prosperous new year.

All the best. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Never,

I almost think a WS has to go into a denial mode, or how can they live with themselves? I have tried many times, to imagine myself having an affair, (actually, like my X, several affairs), and then treating her the way she treated me. I cannot fathom it, I just cannot. I could not hurt my worst enemy that way, let alone someone I promised to spend my life with.

Keith

Never,

I had to reply to this also... My X cannot look any of my family, me, or our old friends (whom she has lost) in the eye. She avoids all of them like the plague. Me on the other hand, I recently seen most of her immediate family at a Christmas program for my son - I sat down with them and spoke with them, and most of all, I LOOKED THEM IN THE EYE when I spoke to them!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> My X did not sit with us, her own family... There is no other reason but guilt and shame.

Keith