We went through mediation last week. I guess it went well for the both of us. My STBXW is walking away from the house, I get to keep the animals, and we are going to have "shared" parenting of our 3 children. She was the one who initiated the divorce and retained an attorney. I wanted to see how mediation went before spending all that money. Anyway, the day started off on the wrong foot, but long story short, I think the court appointed mediator used an obsolete version of the child support spreadsheet. I live in Colorado and as far as how much $$$ I pay relates back to how much she grosses, how much I gross, daycare costs, and medical indurance costs. I went to the Colorado Judicial website and downloaded the excel spreadsheet. Plugging in the same numbers that the mediator used gives me a fairly sizeable difference (over $50/month) in her favor.

My question is: How can I be sure that when the divorce is final I will pay no more that what is necessary?

I've spent a lot of time trying to make the M work, but WW is certain that this is what she wants. I know she is incapable of making "good" choices with the extra $$$ she will recieve if I leave things the way they are.

Thanks,
Sharky
Me - WH 38
Her - WW 31
Kids - D 7, D 5, S 2

Hmm, I don't know about your specific state - In my state, where the custody is more evenly split, the CS amount can change based on the time spent with the non-custodial parent - My ex and I took the State calculated amount to use as a starting point. (I believe the State amount was determined to be $416 per week and we decided on $250 per week). We split daycare and insurance costs.

In my state, the state CS worksheets are part of the final parenting agreement, so I would guess that they'd be reviewed at that point.
We left work related childcare out of the CS calculation, and do that separately apportioned by income. This is because this value may change more frequently based on the ages of the kids. For example, I can use the bus this year, so we don't need before school care.
Also make sure that you split medical costs proportionately. In my state, the PPR (parent of primary residence) is responsible for the first $250 of medical costs per child per year.
Do what you can to resolve these issues by a mediator because lawyers basically suck up your money. With legal fees between $200 & $300 per hour, at 50 bucks a month, you would spend 2 legal hours a year resolving this issue, and trust me, it would cost far more.
Cut your losses, take the high road, and you will feel better in the end. My x wasted a ton of money because he refused the mediators suggestions, and ended up with less custody than offered in mediation. Beside, CS benefits the children and you want to take care of your children, right.

Newly,

Just a reminder, supporing my child doesn't have to mean paying child support to a cheating ex-wife that I cannot trust.

Sometimes the best thing for a non-custodial dad to do is to pay the minimum to her and make sure he has money to buy the clothes, shoes, school lunches, etc that she should be providing with that ample CS, but instead has a luxury apartment, a new car, trips to the FL keys with the affair partner, but doesn't have grocery money, etc...

I know you were the BS, but not all custodial moms who get CS were the BS. Many are selfish, hence the affair.

So please do not equate not wanting to pay any more child support than necessary with not wanting to support our children, they are two entirely different issues.

T

EE, I don't know how you interpreted my comments to mean what you said, but we've all seen angry X's use the kids, Cs or alimony to punish.

And BTW, CS goes to make up the difference in income and time, so each parent is to provide clothes, housing and meals during his/her time. Do you really expect your X to buy (and probably wash) all the clothes your kids use/wear at your place? If so, you have either a very gullible, or a very accomodating X.

I didn't interpret your comments to mean what I said. You made the blanket statment that CS benefits the child. I gave an example where CS is used to further the lifestyle of a XWW.

From that, you posed that I expect my ex to purchase and wash all my YD's clothes. Who is making the leaps here?

Let me share a few more things so you don't have to make any leaps.

I purchase clothes for my YD and she wears them. Sometimes she wears them back to the apartment and I never see them again. I don't really care, they belong to my YD once I give them to her.

Now if I should ever fail to send something my XW purchased back to the apartment, all ****** breaks loose. Those clothes "belong" to my ex-wife (according to her) and I better stop trying to hurt her by keeping them.

(Do you understand why when you assign motives such as this whole clothes thing is such a trigger for me?)

My point is that I would love for all of my child support to actually support my child.

I guess what I would like is for how the CS is spent by my ex-wife (or any custodial parent) to be under the same scrutiny that she puts on "her" clothes for YD.

Finally, do you understand how it is nearly impossible to trust a woman who chose to have an affair, lied about it, refused to consider keeping her vows, promised to pay bills that she didn't pay and a whole host of other broken promises with using the CS money wisely?

I'm sure you use the money you get very wisely. Not all custodial parents do.

My ex-wife gets $1000/month in a suburban midwestern town to care for 1 child. Her parents and I watch the child when she cannot (I exercise my FROR). She has chosen an apartment that is 1.5x the mortgage on the home we lived in while her income before CS was 20% of what I made. She traded a 2000 MY minivan with 50K miles and new tires for a new VW Beetle with car payments, and has money to fly to the Florida Keys.

But she doesn't feed my YD, YD says she eats nearly every meal at school or grandma's house.

I don't want to take this too far off track, and if you would like to discuss it, we can start a new thread. However, while there is all sorts of accountability for NCP's regarding the payment of CS, there is nothing in the way of accountability for CP's regarding how CS is used.

T

Sharky, $50/month extra for 3 kids is not a lot in the grand scheme of things. If you can effectively coparent, and work in the best interests of your children, your life, and mostly their lives will be far better.
Fight for what is important to you, don't waste your time or energy on small stuff. Think of it as money saved from avoiding huge counseling costs in the future for your kids.

I agree with some of what you have to say, but my WW is already taking the kids to counseling. Part of what came out of mediation was that I take part in their sessions. I don't have a problem with that. My point is that I don't know that the $50/month extra will be spent on the kids. If I were not paying it to my WW I know that it would go for them.

My feelings are similar to EE. My wife also cheated, lied, and to this day continues to make "poor decisions". I really don't want to make it possible for her to have a better quality of life than myself when it was her idea to get a D.

At this point I just want to make the lives of my children as "normal" as possible.

Sharky

$50/month is not going to make a huge difference in the standard of living. The courts won't let either spouse control the finances/issues in the other house, so drop that thought right now.
If you can get through this piece amicably, then everyone is better off.
And counseling may help, but continued issues between you and STBX will only hurt the kids. And Duh! yes, each parent should participate in the counseling. It's called parenting, and you no longer have the right to "delegate" your parenting responsibilities to your X. (OK, can you tell that my X won't take my kids to counseling?).

Don't forget that every penny of child support does not need to be spent directly on the kids.
Part of child support is used to pay for the increase in expenses due to having the kids.
For example, if you have kids, you have a larger house, use more electricity, gas, food, etc. than not having kids.
Child support is figured, taking this into account.

Nevermind, I don't think you folks are really hearing what I'm saying.

FWIW, I'm in the home and my WXW's apartment is smaller and more expensive than the home. So unless the place is not well insulated, it's probaly less expensive utility wise as well.

T

EE, sometimes the posts are for the original poster, or others who may have similar questions. Not all comments are directed toward your situation.

Enlighted_Ex,

How much does it cost you to fight $50/months ?. How much longer it would drag this Dv ?. How much emotional drag would cost you ?.

-rh-

I'm not fighting anything, and I'm not taking anything personally.

I respectfully asked Newly and others to consider the POV of one who's ex-wife was the cheater, the one who betrayed trust and how it feels to have to give someone you don't trust money and then be told to trust that she will use it in the best interests of the child.

I then got a lecture about (things I know) how two homes are more expensive than one etc.

Never once did I hear, "Oh, I can see your point, it must be hard to trust someone who cheated on you, and ran up massive debts in your home to use that money wisely for your daughter."

And they say men don't listen, and that they don't listen to the emotional content of a discussion.

Sheesh.

T

sharky,

I intended this for you ... sorry "Enlighted_Ex"

How much does it cost you to fight $50/months ?. How much longer it would drag this Dv ?. How much emotional drag would cost you ?.

Yes, at the end that's what we all try to do.

-rh-

It's funny that I'm in the sort of the same position except I'm on the opposite end. Yes, I was a WW- but I never in my entire life spent money on myself. He spent all of our money on his fun stuff and never cared if our two kids had shoes or clothes, I made sure they had all of that.

Now that we are divorced, suddenly I'm going to "squander" his child support money on myself, when I've never done that before?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

HE does me the same way about the clothes he sends them in and I couldn't care less about what he buys for them to wear at his house. I also settled for less support than would have been mandated by the court and agreed to let him send it directly to their school to pay tuition etc.

I can see why your situation might frustrate you, if your exwife is living better than you when she is the one that cheated and left and ran up debts, though but it happens on both sides of the coin. Just because one was once a WW doesn't mean that they are horrible parents for the rest of their lives. And, no offense, driving a new Beetle isn't exactly a "luxury" item. Yeah, it's a new car- and certainly nice- but she's not driving a BMW.

To the original poster-
$50.00 is small bones and I doubt I'd keep up a court battle to fight for it. You'll spend that in aggravation and legal costs, easy.

coacheswife,

Yes it is perspective. When I haven't owned a new car in over 12 years, yet purchased two for my now ex-wife, and am driving a 1994 Geo Prizm with 175K on the clock, the New Beetle might as well be a new BMW.

Heck, I wished I was in a place 18 months ago where I could have taken the 2000 Mazda MPV minivan. It only had 50K on the clock when she traded for the Beetle.

It's all perspective. I understand there are single moms, some BW, some WW's who have it rough.

I just want some understanding for some of us BH's who didn't ask for a divorce, wanted to work it, wanted what WE felt was best for the kids, a whole marriage with two people who respected each other and took their vows seriously.

For someone to insinuate that I don't want what is best for my daughter hasn't read much of what I've written or certainly doesn't know what I'm about.

We may disagree on what is best for her, but that doesn't mean I don't want the best for her.

I believe, in my XWW's own way, she too wants the best for our YD, but also manipulates things to get a comfortable lifestile as well.

T

Well, the topic is a trigger for me because when I left him I basically had to choose between groceries and gas money at some points. When I had my kids for my week, I always made sure I bought groceries for them, but then I did without when they weren't there.

He had the impression I was living in luxury in a two bedroom apt with little furniture. I didn't have sheets or towels or dishes until friends gave them to me.

I remember being unable to buy my daughter a nightgown she wanted in Walmart. It was only $10.00 but I couldn't afford it. Meanwhile he was eating out and spending money on crazy stuff while crowing I was going to spend his child support.

Guess it's just perspective <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />