Fishracer sent me over here for added support. This was my post a couple of days ago.

So been trying to call the STBXH and he wouldn't answer my texts or calls. Had a feeling he was with OW and sure enough, she answers the phone and tells me he's busy and he'll call when he wants to talk to me. I kicked him out a month ago after finding out he was cheating on me. I found him in bed with her on Thanksgiving and it turned into the Jerry Springer show. I have never lowered myself to that level and not really sure why I even care, but God does it hurts so bad to know he's with her. He tells me that they have no relationship and that she's just a friend, yea right. So he's lying about everything, tells me something new everyday, I can't believe a thing he says. Our kids 16 and 9 are always caught up in the middle of it all. He has damaged them beyond repair.

I get so angry because of this and I can't handle any of it. I'm allowing his actions and poor choices to make me a person that I'm not. He's using her to make me crazy and its working, but why? We have to sell the house and I have to move again, we haven't even talked about a divorce and he's taking her all over town and to our friends homes, parading her around and making me look like an idiot. How in the world do you get through this???Those of you that have made it to the other side, how do you do it? I am fine if I think he's gone, which was inivitable, but when I find out she's involved I'm furious.

After 17 years how do you just let go and how will I ever be able to trust again. Right now, I just can't see the end of the road.

Help?? Found out she was there last night and again tonite. It's making me out of my mind. Don't know how to get over it.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Hi, BP.

The very first thing that you have to do is to back off and put the entire situation at arms length. Stop reacting to his antics.

Read the articles on this site, especially about Plan A.

Immediately stop being needy and grabby with him. You simply can not control him, nor should you try. Withdrawing from the drama is the first step in regaining some sanity for yourself.

All the best,
Gimble

bump

BP,

A wayward spouse is like a piece of iron in a forge.

All heated up and glowing red hot. Malleable and changing at the slight outside pressure. And not really useful because it is too soft (... in the head <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ).

And you want to keep track of this piece of iron so you pick it up.

But it is HOT. And it starts to burn you. And you WILL put it down. But the question is...

... do you put it down because it has burned you so badly that you CAN'T hold it?

... or do you put it down realizing that it isn't really going anywhere and you can wait a bit for it to cool off?

Make no mistake about it. You will put it down.

Now the analogy fails a bit, in that if you put down a piece of hot steel, it ISN'T going anywhere. And your WS might. So the analogy is a little weak, but not in the instance of YOUR choice.

If he goes, that's HIS choice.

Plan A. Be inviting. Not overbearing. Set your boundaries. What is NOT allowed while he is with the OW? (Because you can't make him not be. You must protect yourself and the kids.)

What is not allowed?

Sex with you?
Joint checking account?
Taking care of children's injuries?
Visits to your family?

What?

Lay out your boundaries. Then be the best wife you can be WITHIN those guidelines. And if the iron is burning you too much, drop it and back off. YOU must survive this too.

NCWalker

I don't know how much I have to offer you, but I can tell you a few things that have helped me and maybe some of them will apply for you.



I understand the feelings of embarrassment and shame, but try to remember that you didn't do anything and have nothing to be ashamed of. He is making HIMSELF look like an idiot.


A day at a time, an hour at a time, and sometimes a minute at a time.

I know this is painful. Wow, do I know! I have found some comfort in praying - praying that God will give me strength and ease my burdens. I have found comfort in this forum and the many, many wonderful people who have helped me get through those minute by minute and hour by hour moments.

Try taking the focus off of him and place it on yourself. This is something that I did not do early on, but wish I would have. Exercise, spend time with friends or doing things you enjoy, read and learn everything you can get your hands on. Have you read Surviving An Affair?

Focus on the things you CAN change and the things that can make you a better person. Try to avoid LB's (I don't know how much you've read of this site, but if you haven't read The Basic Concepts, I recommend you do so). Try to avoid any emotional outbursts.

Gimble gave you some wonderful advice and I am not exaggerating when I tell you that he was extremely instrumental in saving my marriage and helping me to grow as an individual. Seriously, whatever he tells you to do, pay close attention and DO IT!

I hope you find some support and some comfort. I hope that you continue to post and learn here. I will watch for any future posts from you and if you need someone to talk to via e-mail, I would be glad to lend an ear.

Take care of yourself,

Froz

bp:

Good advice given so far. Any thoughts?

FR

learn "carrot and stick of plan A"

And remember...BEING A DOORMAT IS NOT ATTRACTIVE!

What is attractive to the fogged:
mystery
sudden style change
silence
no begging or pleading
stuff on 180 list
unexplained absence
unanswered emails or calls
silence
strange car in driveway

all this plus confidence from learning here!

Quit being the glue that keeps them together ok? When you call, you add drama. WS loves he has 2 women fighting over him! Learn plan A...and do not give them fuel to cement their affair! And also know how to work it sister! You can defeat the affair!

Know this...the affair will end. Question is, when it ends, where will you be? Will you have had enough or will it be just in nick of time for the WS to recover all his loss? It is up to YOU in the end. Knowing this, I'd say that it is YOU WITH ALL THE POWER! YOU JUST DON'T KNOW IT YET!

But u do now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

what/where's the 180 list?

Here's carrot and stick

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=&vc=1