we have basically been following the the rule of protection. its hasn't really been that long sine NC was established.
she still states that she has no feelings for me but is willing to try & see where things go, to just give her time to see if her feelings will come back. here's my problem I have been doing what I can to fulfill he EN but she wont let me try to fulfill her most important EN until her feelings come back, all she is willing to do to try is basically what the rule of protection states no more. She doesen't try to fulfill any of my EN. which Im ok with for now, I understand that it will take time.

here are my questions.

How can her feelings come back if she wont let me work on her most important EN or even confirm what they are?

When I try to meet an EN now she get confused & upset because she does not understand how I can try to meet them so easily now, bu I refused ( in her opinion )in the past.
how do I answer this question? So far all I do is agree that I have made mistakes in the past that I'm sorry for & I am trying to learn from my mistakes & do better. Is this a correct way to answer?




Cliff

Cliff,

I will be interested to read the replies to your questions. I'm still struggling with the same ones. My Wh acts like his feelings for me should just come back all on their own, that he shouldn't have to put any effort into it or allow me to meet his needs, because if we were truly "meant" to be it wouldn't take effort. Ha! Unfortunately, all I can say right now is good luck to you and I hope you find your answers soon. Btw, when was dday? And when was NC established? Maybe it will be just a matter of time and patience for you.

Take care,

WOM

Hello,

I think the feelings start to come back once the BS starts to "back off".

On d-d, I was petrified and walking on eggs. I didn't know anything about MBers at that time but I must of done a good job.

I Planned A my butt off and otherwise I backed off. I concentrated on myself and wasn't clingy.

I took the best care of myself. New clothing, new hairstyle..........was out alot (on my own) when I was around my husband I smiled alot and appeared happy. (not always but as much as possible)
No relationship talking, no pressuring, no questions..........

We also went on a 2 week trip in the Caribic. This was our best holiday ever and we still talk about it with "glowing eyes".

So I'd advise you to "back off" abit. Do things for yourself and don't cling.
Make yourself interesting & mysterious again. Get your wife thinking.

What really helped me alot was to put myself into the shoes of a "Lover"...............or even better what attracted us when we first met.

Think back to when you first met and GO FOR THAT!!!!!! Read all you can about Plan A.

take care
bb

Good advice BB!

Cliff,
I don't know the history of the A, but I think you are kidding yourself about your W's withdrawl. I bet she's still much deeper in the fog than either of you realize. The timeline for the end of her affair and NC is similar to mine. My affair was brief, with a guy I barely knew, who used me and threw me away when he was done. I STILL think I'm dealing with some withdrawl/fog issues, even though I now know the OM is a first-class jerk! So, if your wife was "in love" with her OM, I'd bet my boots she's still not "over him".

That said...
I'd say early attempts for a BS to meet the needs of a FWS are almost always awkward and met with resistance. The problems between the two of you took years to develop. They're not going to go away overnight. After my affair, the first few times my H called me to 'check in', left me sweet little notes, bought me flowers, etc.. it just made me feel bad, and think "yuck." As BB suggested, try to make your attempts appear easy-breezy, not oooey-gooey (sp?).

Yes. Good answer! Unfortunately, you may need to say it over and over and over and over again. Sounds like she doesn't realy believe that you can or will make permanent changes. She doesn't trust you right now (ironic, I know).

Maybe it would help to think of your wife as a 3-year-old. Patience. Repetition. Consistency. Those are the keys to dealing with her right now.

Oh, and one more thing. In case you haven't figured this one out already, forget about sex for awhile.

Hang in there.

--SC

workin thanks for the support.


BB & SC that good advice & I have been practicing most of it.

I do have my days where the resentment & anger build up because of the lack of effort on her part, whats the best way to handle these days? So far I have been good & haven't let her see it but I need to find a way to deal with it, because of the fog/babble she makes me feel pretty alone sometimes. How do I cope with these feelings?

There is progress but its slow, painful & long, we are basically doing the rule of protection even though she doesn't have a clue as to what that is.


Cliff

Cliff,

Have you thought about calling one of the MB counselors? (I've talked to Steve H. myself) One thing they do very well is give you direction and a plan. This is especially helpful in those times when it seems like things are going nowhere or are moving very slowly. You can talk to them on your own.

My situation is different from yours, but I've found talking to SH to be remarkably helpful (even though I can't afford it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ).

Anyway, good luck. I'm pulling for you.

I have talked with a local counselor who has the same general principals as SH & that helps get me through the emotional lows but it doesnt stop them from happening, I guess only time will.



Cliff

Do you have a good friend (male and not other sex) that you can talk to??

Doing sports helps to reduce the tention. I myself used to go for long car drives with the radio on "full blast". I used to yell out my frustration while driving. (I'm pretty lucky that they didn't pull me outta the car because I'm sure I must of looked very NUTS at times)

What also helped me was just to go out and sit down someplace, drink a coffee and just watch people........

Even shortly after d-d my husband and I went out alot. Lots of "Fun time". We danced alot and this really helped us.

You might also want to talk to your doctor about medication. A medication to calm you down a little...............

I became very angry and agressive much later during our process of recovery. Before feeling anger and resentment I was very depressed and suicidal.

When I look back, I probably would of recovered faster if I had seriously talked to my doctor and if I would of gotten the right med. The only med. I got was one that helped me to sleep and after I had taken and overdose, I didn't take any medication at all.

I'm sorry if this might sound like babble but your emotions will come and go and you'll feel as if you are going crazy at times...............get help with this because the "Fog Balony" doesn't just go away over nite.
You're going to need alot of patience until it finally lifts. Sad but true...........but it does go away within time, have trust.
take care
bb

Thanks for your input BB the outside activities sound great option. I don't think I'm to the point where I need to be medicated, I just need to find diversions to get my mind off it.


Cliff

Hey C,
Thanks for responding to my post. Any improvement in your sitch?
--SC

Just in a holding pattern I'm learning to be more patient.