As you know, things have been going really well lately. My xws has treated me with kindness and consideration. But I need to know if I need to be concerned about his absences. My xws attitude is one of kindness and consideration. What has me concerned is that he has been off this past week, but still had to work one or two days.

My xws loves to hunt but generally goes with ds. He got up early yesterday to go hunt. I had asked him if I could go with him yesterday morning and he said I would scare the ducks off, something about not having the right jacket or something like that. I dropped the subject. He left yesterday morning, dressed in casual top, and jeans with boots. I don't know if it was just my insecurities or not, but it seemed that he was dressed nicer than the usual clothes he wears for hunting. Like I said, I am quite confused. That evening he also went hunting around 3:30.

He is very calm, stable, and loving. There is no defensiveness at all when I ask him where he is going.

But yet, I am worried, because of him going off by himself and (maybe wrongly) feel that he is making excuses up to be away from me.

I have been monitoring his cell phone records and his history log.

It seems that he must have deleted a call from his phone history. There is about thrirty minutes of unaccounted usage that is not listed on his cell history from yesterday morning to yesterday evening. (I monitor his online useage daily.) This is in-calling time. The ow had cingular cell phone, while we had Verizon. She was always an outside call.

Also, I don't know whether he is just trying to reassure me or what, he mentioned that he is going to be switching his work cell from the current verizon to cingular, due to better coverage where he is working now. Hmmmm.

What do you think about my worries?

Am I overreacting or should I be worried?

Sincerely,

K.D.'s Heartbreak

well.... sounds a little strange to me. But I wouldn't want to pull off all the alarms and whistles just yet. It is understandable you are "paranoid" and some things are just a little strange there. Do you have any other way of knowing what he is doing or where he is going??? Can you find out what that deleted call was by contacting phone company? Do a little more digging. I think it stinks you have to do this but any of us who want to save our marriage and who take a spouse back I guess are always going to be on the look out, at least in the beginning. It's hard but he needs to be 100% honest with you. He has to earn that trust back. mlhb

((KD))

I can also understand your concern. I don't think you are being paranoid, but I don't believe that you should just ignore your gut.

This may be a silly question, but does he smell like he had been hunting? That is how I started to suspect my WH. He had claimed to put in a 15 hour day at work (which is believable) but he did not smell like he had worked 15 hours. The next day, I checked the phone (for the first time ever) and whammo.

Just keep enjoying the good times he is offering you. But, I would keep up the snooping for awhile. The phone thing and the work thing does raise red flags.

Because I am in a bind financially, I would also make sure that your car is in good shape, make sure your credit report is healthy and maybe sock away some $$. These are things I hope to always do from now on, no matter what happens with any relationships.

I hope it turns out to be nothing for you, I hate the thought of fake recovery for you and H.

Just keep enjoying the good times he is offering you. But, I would keep up the snooping for awhile. The phone thing and the work thing does raise red flags.




Thanks Jean36,

I will continue my vigilence. It will probably be years before I completely trust my xws.

Part of me thinks he is going stir-crazy and is feeling a little claustaphobic, and needs some alone time. This is the most time he has had off, (other than the 10 days he went to visit his friend from out of state).

Thanks again for your opinion,

K.D.'s Heartbreak

well.... sounds a little strange to me. But I wouldn't want to pull off all the alarms and whistles just yet.

Thanks MLHB.

That is the way I was leaning too.

Just two nights ago, we attended our grandson's preschool christmas program, and my husband had the best time, and was like a huge teddybear that night.

Like I said, I am really confused.

Bump

KDS,

""I had asked him if I could go with him yesterday morning and he said I would scare the ducks off, something about not having the right jacket or something like that. I dropped the subject.""

This is very lame...so change jackets!

Also...HOW MANY DUCKS DID HE BRING HOME???

If the guy has been duckhunting for so long, hopefully he's become a good enough shot to knock one down now and then.

k

KDS,

""I had asked him if I could go with him yesterday morning and he said I would scare the ducks off, something about not having the right jacket or something like that. I dropped the subject.""

This is very lame...so change jackets!



Krusht,

I agree, and in fact, told him that this afternoon. He now is including me, but I really don't know if I will go or not.

I don't want to be his afterthought. I do have to admit though, when I confronted him that I felt he was using this as just one more excuse not to be with me, he quickly said no, that was not true and invited me to go with him this evening. He said this very lovingly.

Then we picked up the new shotgun he ordered for me and took me out to lunch.

I have to say, I like the new and improved husband, and I am hoping he is the real deal.

Hey...

I'm don't know how you can bear having to monitor him so much...but since you asked...

His switching from verizon to cingular (the provider that the OW uses) is a huge RED FLAG. Do you monitor that usage everyday too?

When you have the same provider...you can call without any type of record. Readylink calls...walkie talkie calls...and pcs to pcs calls are all made within the network and aren't listed on the invoices. They will just list the "total" of those minutes and it can be explained with "it's my work phone, they are customer calls". You aren't going to be doing any tracking of any calls to her if that happens.

JMHO
committed

OK, KDS....you addressed your post to some particular people. Do you just want them to answer you? If so, I will go back and delete this.

If you read this message board long enough you will see that more often than not, a Betrayed Spouse who has a "gut feeling" or has "worries" AS YOU DO in your post, unfortunately is usually very CORRECT.

"Sixth senses" are usually spot on for a betrayed who describes the things you say.

AT THE VERY least, there are several red flags that warrant extreme monitoring. This one is "screaming" at me, and probably at you also, but the fact of the matter is...you don't have concrete proof now. I would "play it cool" and look into things even closer. No need to confront him or say anything differenty...but I would WATCH OUT.

"Denying" all that you stated above would be very "foolish" In my opinion. Your WH has been guilty of cheating on you already. His "worth" and "trust" is at the most MIMIMAL with you. Yeah, he can say the "right" things and be "calm" and "soothing", and "kind" but sometimes (alot of time actually) it is just the cheater who has learned to cover his tracks better. The very fact that he is CHEATING can sometimes be the very reason that he can be kind and considerate with you.

Your WH may not be cheating and this all may be just "paranoia"....but as an analogy......When I get a patient who has had breast cancer and had a lumpectomy in the past and she comes to me with a "weird" lump in her breast....you can be sure as hel% that I look into it with a fine tooth comb. It would be "foolish" for me to tell her that is probably "nothing" and that it will be all ok.

Your WH WAS "cancer"...be vigilant in making sure there is not a remission.

Just my .02. Take it or leave it. I don't have the "heart" to tell you what you probably want to hear...that it is all probably "nothing".

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Have you made all accounts, including cellphone, an open book in your relationship?

Is it clear with him that you will be checking?

If not, there's a problem with Recovery...

I have an extra line on my H's Cingular account..all calls between us are free..which is another red flag, btw..BUT our calls to each other do show up on the bill...with my number showing up as calling him and vice versa...

Why not have ONE CELLPHONE ACCOUNT?

Well, call me cynical, but there is a way to get OW's cell phone calls on-line for about $75.00. I would do it. Someone here posted the link the other day. To me the money is worth not having this hanging over your head.

locatecell.com

Thanks all that have responded.

Yes, my xws knows that I check his cell phone useage. He doesn't know that I compare it to the online current useage daily, seeing if all the calls are being accounted for.

He never has been real thrilled by my checking the cell phone, but he knows I do it, mainly when he is in the other room watching t.v. or in the shower. It does upset him, so I try not to do it in front of him.

Tonight I had a chance to check his calls throughly, and I wrote down all the calls and times and compared it to todays and yesterdays online records.

I am happy to say, all the call times were accounted for.

This is a relief.

I will still stay vigilent. I love how my husband is treating me, but am smart enough to keep on checking without showing him I am unsure of his newly found nice behavior.

Before when he was seeing her, he was defensive, and angry.

I am hoping all is well. He is showing no signs of worrying, he leaves his cell phone unattended in the bedroom. He leaves it on, all night long, where before when he was actively involved after me busting him, he would keep it turned off at night.

I guess its just that I was worried that everyday he seems to have some place he needs to go in the morning, whether it is hunting or checking in at work.

Thanks for the input Lemonman, believer, mimi and commited.

I will definately keep all you have said in the back of my mind.

I know the man, my husband can be. Good, honorable, kind, and loving. He is living up to my expectations now, but there is that little doubting thomas, that keeps saying, this is too good to be true.

I have prayed that god reveal if he is in contact with her again.

If so, Plan B ahead.

My Plan A has been successfully completed.

I am comfortable with the fact if I Plan B, the ending could be the termination of my marriage, and I can deal with this. What I can't and won't deal with is being in a marriage with three people.

Here's where things get tricky..

here's where the rubber meets that road....

the bigger question....is

what is your back up plan to be quickly executed if you find out he is in contact...
you need one
tucked in your back pocket that you follow through on...

also...
I suggest you discuss your fears you are having with him..
openly
lovingly
and
globally if you must....

the mistrust the fear is understandable...

the not going to the source is something that I beleive makes so much of this second guessing...

tell him your concerns about his changing phone companies...own your fear about it...hold you head that it is with you...and be lovingly and vulnerable when you tell him....

ARK

tell him your concerns about his changing phone companies...own your fear about it...hold you head that it is with you...and be lovingly and vulnerable when you tell him....

ARK



As always, Ark, you are the source of reasoning. Thank you.

I do need to have a honest conversation with xws, especially, the fact of needing to feel protected and safe to discuss my worries without fear of an angry outburst from him.

The ow was a great communicator and this must be one of my ws's EN's.

Thanks again.