Please help me to think straight. I have decide to call and let the OW know that the man she is seeing is married but we are seperated. We sleep together most every night and eat dinner together most every day. He is not at home today so I feel like she is going to call and leave him a voice mail, right after I call her. Should I erase any of her voice mails?

My H doesn't know I know the code to his vm. We have been seperate about 16 mos. Long story short we seperate because he was unemployed for a long time and then brought his child to live with us. We were barely making ends meet and at times not making ends meet. Very stressful time. I told him the child could not stay with us at this time. He took that very hard and says that I could not love him. Then the child begain to tell her dad lots of lies on me. I think he realizes now that his child was lying. So he moved and I was very glad at the time. But in hindsight I really messed up, I didn't realize that he was very depressed. I asked for his forgiveness and apologized profusely. He forgave me but never moved back. Which WAS ok with me at first. But for the past 6 mos I have asked him to come back and he thinks about it but then we just kind of sweep it under the rug.

Last night we talked and he said that the situation with the stepchild was very very painful to him. I told him that was almost 2 years ago can we please move forward. I do not want to go into another year seperated. So he said he would think about it. We discussed alot of things last night somethings were heated and somethings we calmly discussed. But at the end of the night he said it is going to get greater and we made love.

Ok. I am depending on you all do I still need to call. I don't want to regret calling and I don't want to wish I would have called and then have to wait until she comes back from the christmas break.

Did you know your H was a dad before marrying him? Just my .02, but as a divorcee w/a seven year old child, I would NOT have anything to do with a man...if he did NOT love my child 100 percent.

Your issues with the child imho seems cold. Sounds like your decisions with H were not imho on target. If you have problems bringing up the child from previous M, then see a counselor.

If somebody said that to me, I'd be out the door too. And remember YOU are parents..the child is the child. Parents are in charge of their children. So if the kid lies, the kid gets punished. You parent wisely. That is what is expected of you. And if you chose to marry this man, you chose to honor the fact he was a dad as well!

HE told you that the sitch regarding his child was painful. As it would be for me. It would be a dealbreaker for me basically. I would hope that my spouse would be nothing less than 100 percent loving towards my ds.

Just the perspective of a single mom.

And if you've been separated 16 mos it's either time to get off the fence, suggest counseling and YOU BOTH learn MB principles...or else move on. You learn how to become an effective stepmom...or realize that you do NOT feel much love for the child..if you don't feel love, then it's best maybe to let your estranged H know the truth. But if you feel you can love the child and are willing to work with H to reach agreement in parenting, then start working! And tell H you are willing to do this. If not, I see nothing ever changing between the two.

Unfortunately dear, he was A DAD BEFORE YOU EVER ENTERED HIS LIFE. His primary committment is to the child.

Justpeachy saved me a lot of typing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

It's time to poop or get off the pot.

Hi Teb,

Welcome!

I'm wondering a few things about your situation...

How old is your SD?

How long has your H been seeing OW?

Lady

I understand how you feel. I too have a daughter that's not his. He is excellent to her. His daughter stayed with us the school yr and was suppose to go back with her mom. He decided that she should stay with us through the summer and I said no she needs to go back with her mom. It's not that I didn't love her, it's that we couldn't afford it. If she had no where else to go, if her mom was not able then she could have stayed. My husband was unemployed and we were nearly in foreclosurer. She is 14 and my child is 10. At that point in our marriage I was ready to put him out. He could not even take care of the dog and his efforts to get a job were minute.

I still apologized because I could have handle the situation better, but I was super stress and extremely frustrated. I really regret the situation to this day.

I don't think he has been seeing the OW very long maybe 1 month or less, but I am not sure.

Of course, I want to jump all over that kid thing, but I'll leave that alone and address your immediate concern.

Answer me this, how will YOU calling the other woman be benificial to your marriage? I don't see any positive results. YOUR HUSBAND should choose to not see her. HE SHOULD write a no-contact letter. HE should let you see that letter. If HE hasn't made that choice yet, then I guess you know where you stand. He gets to have both of you.

Teb, I had a feeling your SD was an early teen. For some reason, teen girls of divorced parents will tend to want the other parent at around that age particularly thier dad. MY DD was 13yrs old when she wanted her dad desperately, and I knew he was no good for her, he had no job, no goals, no life, but she would run to him anyway, only to get disappointed by him. It was a long stressful 4 years (DD 13-17yrs) old of her back and forth. I could write a book of our experiences through that but it would take days.

The best thing is is if the environment at your home was stable for her, then things should have been alright, you could have requested child support from the mother, SS Financial aide/Food stamps could help also. But I do agree, with him out of work, no income etc....makes it very difficult. And teen girls can be challenging anyway at that age, and girls can tend to be very jealous of the SM. She wanted daddy all to herself, I betcha.

Was SD having a problem living with her mother?

Lady