Ok, my ex-WH resurfaced and I allowed contact. I'm closing the door again, but before I do, I want to stand up for myself a little.

He claims that I was a good wife and super good during Plan A/false R's, but that once the D started I became "mean" and "was trying to punish him." I should note that the A ended long before the D, but my H continued to have a WS mentality, drink & be abusive, and continued to "date" other women (I didn't know until later and then I decided it was time to D).

Ok, I was not trying to punish him, I was simplying setting boundaries and I had previously told him that I had no interest in being Md to a man who did not treat me & our M with love & respect. He continued to run around, treat me badly and not do anything to repair the damage to my heart & our M. So the only choices I had were to accept things or to D. I chose D.

How do I explain to him that moving forward with the D and "fighting like h*[[" to get a fair settlement were not about punishment or revenge, but solely about me trying to put my life back together as much as possible after he wrongly destroyed it. Maybe I'm too emotionally involved to see things clearly, but I see the D as the result of his actions against my boundaries, not me actively trying to hurt him.

Any help on how I can state this clearly? How did other people explain this to their WS before their D?

thanks

You put it well in your post, but he won't get it no matter how clearly you state it.

He was entitled to run around and treat you badly. He was entitled to file for divorce if and when he wanted to. You have no rights to either feelings, standards, or part of the marital assets. You were only his wife.

Don't waste your breath or your energy. Just take care of yourself and take care of business for your new life.

Tell him to review the marriage vows. He broke that contract so the deal was off. Simple.

Oh so you were M to a man that refuses to accept the consequences of his actions???

I'm sure before he dropped his drawers, at least once it ran thru his mind - What if I get caught??? Well, he didn't care, he'd deal w/that problem IF you ever caught him or divorced him. I'm sure he thought you'd never D him, you'd be his lifetime doormat. He'd just do what he wants and not be accountible for his actions..Well, you proved him WRONG..


You reacted to his disrespectful actions - he views that as "punishment"???? - what is he 5 years old???? You can't change what or how he thinks - tell him to put the shoe on the other foot - would he have fought like H### to keep his lifestyle if you were cheating and demoralizing him??? Would he have protected himself??? And even if there was a bbit of "punishment"/"revenge" on your part, he hurt you deeply to your very core and he needs to accept that and whatever the settlement it's never enough for the damage they've done.

Let this go - he'll never get it..nor will mine when I come out w/the boxing gloves on...He'll paint me as money hungry, that I don't deserve any $$$, since he continues to disrespect me, my standards, and NEVER tried to repair the M - he'll be right it will be "all about the money"...It's been almost 3 yrs. since I caught him and he's done nothing but find new bimbo's to bop..if he can spend money on them he can pay me too..JMHO
Hugs

I got the same thing from my X. She said I filed to punish her. I filed because I could not take her behavour anymore. She was just laying her guilt on me.

jph said it perfectly... Have him review the wedding vows. He broke the contract.