Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 270
N
Member
Member
N Offline
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 270
Ok, my ex-WH resurfaced and I allowed contact. I'm closing the door again, but before I do, I want to stand up for myself a little.

He claims that I was a good wife and super good during Plan A/false R's, but that once the D started I became "mean" and "was trying to punish him." I should note that the A ended long before the D, but my H continued to have a WS mentality, drink & be abusive, and continued to "date" other women (I didn't know until later and then I decided it was time to D).

Ok, I was not trying to punish him, I was simplying setting boundaries and I had previously told him that I had no interest in being Md to a man who did not treat me & our M with love & respect. He continued to run around, treat me badly and not do anything to repair the damage to my heart & our M. So the only choices I had were to accept things or to D. I chose D.

How do I explain to him that moving forward with the D and "fighting like h*[[" to get a fair settlement were not about punishment or revenge, but solely about me trying to put my life back together as much as possible after he wrongly destroyed it. Maybe I'm too emotionally involved to see things clearly, but I see the D as the result of his actions against my boundaries, not me actively trying to hurt him.

Any help on how I can state this clearly? How did other people explain this to their WS before their D?

thanks


Nev
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 2,863
B
Member
Member
B Offline
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 2,863
You put it well in your post, but he won't get it no matter how clearly you state it.

He was entitled to run around and treat you badly. He was entitled to file for divorce if and when he wanted to. You have no rights to either feelings, standards, or part of the marital assets. You were only his wife.

Don't waste your breath or your energy. Just take care of yourself and take care of business for your new life.

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 750
J
jph Offline
Member
Member
J Offline
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 750
Tell him to review the marriage vows. He broke that contract so the deal was off. Simple.

Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 782
I
Member
Member
I Offline
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 782
Oh so you were M to a man that refuses to accept the consequences of his actions???

I'm sure before he dropped his drawers, at least once it ran thru his mind - What if I get caught??? Well, he didn't care, he'd deal w/that problem IF you ever caught him or divorced him. I'm sure he thought you'd never D him, you'd be his lifetime doormat. He'd just do what he wants and not be accountible for his actions..Well, you proved him WRONG..

Quote
I was not trying to punish him, I was simplying setting boundaries and I had previously told him that I had no interest in being Md to a man who did not treat me & our M with love & respect. He continued to run around, treat me badly and not do anything to repair the damage to my heart & our M. So the only choices I had were to accept things or to D. I chose D.

You reacted to his disrespectful actions - he views that as "punishment"???? - what is he 5 years old???? You can't change what or how he thinks - tell him to put the shoe on the other foot - would he have fought like H### to keep his lifestyle if you were cheating and demoralizing him??? Would he have protected himself??? And even if there was a bbit of "punishment"/"revenge" on your part, he hurt you deeply to your very core and he needs to accept that and whatever the settlement it's never enough for the damage they've done.

Let this go - he'll never get it..nor will mine when I come out w/the boxing gloves on...He'll paint me as money hungry, that I don't deserve any $$$, since he continues to disrespect me, my standards, and NEVER tried to repair the M - he'll be right it will be "all about the money"...It's been almost 3 yrs. since I caught him and he's done nothing but find new bimbo's to bop..if he can spend money on them he can pay me too..JMHO
Hugs

Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 921
S
Member
Member
S Offline
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 921
I got the same thing from my X. She said I filed to punish her. I filed because I could not take her behavour anymore. She was just laying her guilt on me.

jph said it perfectly... Have him review the wedding vows. He broke the contract.


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 281 guests, and 54 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
ameliamartin, Nicholas Jason, daisyden878, Oren Velasquez, Kerniol
71,999 Registered Users
Latest Posts
Annulment reconsideration help
by Oren Velasquez - 06/16/25 08:26 PM
Roller Coaster Ride
by happyheart - 06/10/25 04:10 PM
Following Ex-Wifes Nursing Schedule?
by risoy60576 - 05/24/25 09:12 AM
Advice pls
by Steven Round - 05/24/25 06:48 AM
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,623
Posts2,323,508
Members72,000
Most Online3,224
May 9th, 2025
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2025, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 8.0.0