She does live in his apartment complex and says that they do have some sort of relationship and to just meet her at his apartment tonight at 7:30.


NOW WHAT?

Meet her at HIS apartment???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />....I don't know teb. But I know others here could advise better than I about that.

Lady

Well, here is my personal opinion. I would not meet her at your husbands apartment. I would not put myself in that situation. I would have told her no and if she had anything to say to please say it over the phone.

Now, you know that she is going to tell your husband about the phone call so get ready for that confrontation!

You are trying to save your marriage, right? You seem to really be love busting all over the place. You and your husband have been separated for a while now and yet you still listen to his voicemail. In my opinion you are stepping over some lines and what you are doing is not helping your marriage at all.

Take a step back and a deep breath and come up with a plan to save your marriage. All of this secret, underhanded stuff is not helping in my opinion.

Others will post what they think and then you can decide what to do. Once again this is just my opinion!!!

Best of Luck!

I asked him about the OW. He denied everything. I told him I knew about her and I would just call her up. He said whatever and told me time and time again there is no other woman. So I called.

But I didn't expect her to say meet me at his house. I guess her purpose is for us to make him sat what his relationship is.

Please call her back and arrange a public meeting, not at your separated husband's apartment. This isn't over-reaction thinking you face physical harm. There's a slight chance. That's not the main reason.

It's the smart thing to do so that you can't be charged with stalking, trespassing, etc. Read where wives have gone over to H's or OW's house and where they end up. Your word against anyone else's on their premises.

Public is best. Please trust others. Look out for yourself. If there is no hidden agenda, then she won't mind a change of venue.

LA

teb,

Quote:

//I guess her purpose is for us to make him sat what his relationship is. //

Bingo!!!!!!!!!!!

So you are going to go because it benefits her?

Kewl, they have time to get their story straight. I, personally, can not see anything positive coming from y'all meeting up together, I just can't. I agree with the others, that if you proceed with this, do it at a neutral location. But in my humble opinion, this meeting can only harm not help your marriage. Not to mention, that you truly can't believe a word either of them says. This forced confrontation is a HUGE LOVE BUSTER.......

Again, can you tell me or anyone else here what positive can come from this?

ok, I am out of my mind at this point. Not rational at all. Looks like I should refrain from meeting her at his place. If I call her back I know she is going to ask me a ton of questions. When I said Hello this is XX's wife may I ask what sort of relationship you have with him. She hesitated a long time before she answered me. I said or you still there? Then she What did he tell I said he said there is no relationship. She said Oh really. so I can assume from that statement that something is going on. So what is my next move. If I go over to his apartment he will be furious. If I let her tell him of our conversation, he will be much easier for me to talk to. My plan is to then tell him you absolutely must move out and come home.

Now I need you all to tell me

Do you think this will work?

How many days should I give him to move? I will be out of town for 3 days @ Christmas without him.

And if he says no he will not move in do I go to plan B?

(((Teb)))

1st things 1st. You need to calm down. Breathe. And breathe again.

Before one goes into Plan 'B', they must first complete Plan 'A' and it doesn't sound like you've done that. Further, giving him an 'ultimatum', is yet another Love Buster.

Unless someone can come along and say what positive will come from a meeting, then I would cancel the meeting. Further, since you've already established some communication with the OW, I would call her back and inquire as to the depth of their relationship. Once you know what that is then I would simply tell her that you are trying to save your marriage and nicely ask her to leave your husband alone, you can throw in there that you and your hubby talked about saving your marriage last night before y'all made love. Then, nicely, tell her to have a great life. This would be the last time I would talk to her.

If your hubby has agreed to counselling, I would then set up an appointment and work through this in a professional envirenment. You seem like an impulsive emotion driven person, and dealing with this type of issue will require patience, calmness, and structure. I would not confront, demand, or anything else with your hubby. I would read up on 'PLAN A' under the basic concepts of this site. Work on eliminating all love busters.

As for the affair, let that go for a bit. More than likely now that some light has been shined on it, it is going to end......

My plan is to then tell him you absolutely must move out and come home

and when he says no
and says you can't tell him what to do
and says you don't control what is your next move...

do not go over and meet with this woman..there is no point..

that is drama and chaos..

the only issue is you
and your husband...

ARK

I love this site.

I called the meeting off and she said I don't even care I don't even want to deal with it.

whatever that means. she wouldn't eloborate.

Did you get any other info out of her?

no she just said "whatever" I ask her was she going to continue seeing him and she said I don't even care I don't want to deal with it. I attempted to tell her about us making love and she was in such a hurry to get off the phone I'm not sure she even heard me.

I talk to my husband and invited him over for a quiet evening at our house. He said ok. He doesn't have a clue about the confrontation.

Any advice would be TREMENDOUSLY appreciated. I am reading all of the articles I can find on this site. Seems like I broke alot of rules already.


I suppose I quite listening to his vm's now, but it is so addictive whenever I call and he doesn't answer. sigh

Spend some time reading about all the 'Emotional Needs', if you can identify your husbands Top 5, heck print out the questionaire and fill it out with him...... Then find a way to meet those. That makes deposits in his love bank.

Also read through the Love Busters section and ensure that you stop all of those TODAY.... No more....

Another interesting read to me is the 'States of Mind in Marriage'......

Oh Oh, POJA (Policy of Joint Agreement) I say to read through that so you can look at how y'all have dealt with issues in the past versus how it is recommended....

Then come here, talk, vent, work on yourself, and we'll see what happens. Are y'all going to get some counselling?

Hubby cameover about 8pm ( 1 hour later than discussed) and he didn't say a word about me confronting the ow. Now I am wondering if she said anything to him, or did she even see him. I believe it was probably a very young relationship.

By the time he had gotten here I had almost dranked a whole bottle of wine. I cooked his favorite meal. He loved it we sat and talked about all kinds of family/business stuff. He said our marriage is going up. Then we went to bed.

I feel like he will not be willing to go to counseling and he will half heartly do the questionaire with me. He feels that this stuff is not necessary. Any tips on getting him to partcipate would be good. I am definetly going to tell him we need to go to a marriage retreat when the first opportunity presents itself. I believe he will be moving back in soon. Sad to say not so much because he just wants to but because his finances is in disarray. So what do you think?

I am sitting on my hands to keep from checking his vm. I want to know if she called him.

“””he didn't say a word about me confronting the ow. Now I am wondering if she said anything to him”””

I would presume and work from the presumption that she did.

“””By the time he had gotten here I had almost dranked a whole bottle of wine.”””

Is that something that is normal for him?

“””I feel like he will not be willing to go to counseling”””

OK, why do you feel that way? Have you done any research on it? Have you presented him with choices of counselors and discussed that option?

“””He feels that this stuff is not necessary. Any tips on getting him to participate would be good.”””

I don’t necessarily have any good tips other than work on your communication skills. So when you present something to him you don’t say “We need counseling” rather you say something like “I feel that we could benefit from counseling because we seem to have difficulty in resolving conflict (I only use that as an example). If we get some tools from a professional then we will both be happier in how we handle problems with they arise and isn’t that what we both want?” You see when you say ‘We need counseling’, likely one, especially an egotistical male, will see that as an attack on his integrity. However, when you safely state a goal and leave it with a question that the obvious answer is ‘YES’ then you lead him to action. If he says yes, then you get ‘er done, if he is hesitant or says that y’all can work things out yourself, your next line could be “You may be right, I’ve actually been reading an interesting book called His Needs/Her Needs by Dr. Harley and blah, blah, blah, blah”…

“””I am definitely going to tell him we need to go to a marriage retreat when the first opportunity presents itself.”””

Again, you don’t demand or tell him y’all ‘need’ anything. You two, as a couple, make decisions to better your marriage. So figure out a way to safely present the opportunity of a marriage retreat to him in which you believe he’ll enthusiastically agree to.

“””I am sitting on my hands to keep from checking his vm. I want to know if she called him.”””

When it comes to gathering information and intel on an affair, I’m all for using whatever means necessary. It sounds as if you’re a little obsessed with this whole VM thing and that isn’t good. I think it’s a fair assumption that she either has called or will call him and don’t see what having that knowledge will do to benefit you. Of course, if contact persists then that’s a different story. Then exposure would be a viable option. It appears this is a very volatile situation and the first thing you need to do is focus on yourself.

I will use your tips and present the MC to him and I will also volunteer myself to go to an angry management class somewhere. Your right I do need to focus on me.

We talked about christmas and he wants to rearrange his schedule to be with me at our house. That is impossible. I have made plans over the past 4 months to visit with my family for 3 days. They would be devastated if I did a no show. I ask him to come along but he doesn't want to. sigh. I hate to leave him alone.

My H lost his job about 2-3 mos ago and he is really having a difficult time financially. I went over to his apt and there was a note on the door in which he was late on his rent. I didn't say a word about it. Seems like he is totally focused on getting some money, to buy gifts and pay his bills. Maybe he doesn't really have time for an A. I know he is really stressed. WHat else can I do to help him?

teb,
I think you need to take the focus off your husband and put it back on you. Was it you that drank the whole bottle of wine before he showed? Not a good idea. Do you think you have a problem with alcohol? How has your anger management issues affected your relationship with your husband and stepchildren?

I would refrain from all ultimatums right now. Trying to strongarm him into returning to you is a bad idea at best. He has just lost his job, can't pay his rent, etc. His male ego must really be hurting right now. I would lay off trying to change him (you can't) and try to better yourself. That is the one thing that might bring him closer to you.

Regarding the stepchildren: Is there any truth in what the stepdaughter said? What steps have you taken to improve the relationship between you and your stepdaughter? In other words, if you guys move back in together, how are things going to be different this time? Remember, again you can't change SD, only you.

Teb, this is a long road. You are not going to see any changes overnight. Read all you can here and take it slowly. Good luck.

I have to get off this emotional roller coaster. I will just be going along and all of a sudden I will get a pit in my stomache.

I am not a drinker. I just had to do something to calm my nerves.

And since he hasn't been working he has been disappearing for most all of the business day. Strange, when I ask him what he is doing, he says trying to find work, but he is not dressed like it.


The older I get I notice that my temper flares. So the whole hot headed thing is new, but I suppose I will have to get some counseling. None of the stuff my stepchild and her mother drummed up was true. My husband knows that now. But he I think her mother told my H not to let her come around me and so I am not around her for longer than 15 minutes or so. He doesn't see her very often either.

I was talking to him a couple of days ago and he said if I move back in what will my daughter think. !!!!!!!

I think if anything he is making the situation worse by acting like I am going to harm her.

Well I would like to speak to him tonight about counseling and maybe filling out the EN questionaire. Do you think that would be a good idea?