I have been reading alot about forgiveness lately, and how we should forgive people who have hurt us, so that we can free ourselves of the anger, pain, and bitterness in order to move forward with our lives. It is something that we need to do for ourselves, not for the person that hurt us. It was a revelation for me to hear that forgiving someone did not mean that what they did was acceptable.

I feel that I am on the path to forgiveness, but am not sure if I can truly let go of the past yet. I still have alot of questions about the A and we have just started MC which seems to be helping. My H and I will be taking some time over the holidays to do the LB and EN questionnaires.

My question is has anyone out there been able to TRULY forgive their WS and move on to rebuild their marriages without taking it back? What I mean by not taking it back, is to not bring the A up after you have told the WS that you have forgiven him/her. I am struggling with wanting to move forward, but also wanting to know more details about the A. Our MC is focused on solving problems, and does not think that going over the details of the affair will help me to move forward.

Any thoughts?

I am new and have very little experience with giving advice, so it may be bad, but here is what I felt. I forgave my husband pretty quickly, a couple of weeks. I couldn't go on living with the anger and rage. That did leave after I forgave him. But I still needed, needed, wanted to know details. I asked and asked and was told by my husband that it would be painful for me and he wanted to spare me. I kept asking until he gave in and told me anything I wanted to know. I asked hundreds of questions for hours. I immediately felt better and so did he. He said he was amazed at the weight lifted off his conscience by answering me. Some of the answers definitely hurt that was true, but when I knew all the details I was able to let them go. I don't obsess about them or think about them much anymore. We are still struggling at times with my insecurity about his affair and trust issues. OVerall, I feel sure we can rebuild our marriage and I don't worry that we might divorce. I would tell your spouse, if I could, give all the answers you can and you may both feel better for it.

Dkljj2005,

Thanks for the the advice, which I happen to think is excellent. I am going to print your response and show it to my H because he has answered many questions, but I still have more. I think that if we set a time where I can ask all the questions, and get it out of my system for once and for all. He has answered any questions I have had, but I have not asked him any in about 2 weeks, because he had said that he didn't want me to keep bringing it up again and again.

I hope that I can stop obsessing about the details as you have done. I am hoping for a much better 2006 and really do not want to carry this all over into the new year.

Thanks again for your advice and Happy Holidays and Happy New Year to you and your family.

There are some spouses that want to know everything, and some that want to know some, and some that want to know nothing.

In my case I'm the WH, a sex addict, with 30 affairs in about a 2 year time span. I forgot more details than I could remember. Our counselor suggested the most important thing was that I answer questions as to the nature of what I had done, who the people were, the places, money spent, risks envolved, whether any were friends of hers or someone she knew, and whether anything took place in our home. He also suggested we avoid comparison questions where she tried to compare herself to the other women. The idea is not to ask questions that end up being more harmful than helpful. You want to understand reason, but you don't need to hurt yourself. You want to know things so you can watch out for repeat patterns, but knowing I had sex in every motel in town would have been a trigger for my wife that would have reminded her every time we passed a hotel.

So I would suggest sitting down with a notepad and writing out a list of questions, ones you really want to know. Leave the list for a while, come back to it, read it over, mark out what doesn't sound reasonable, and add more questions if you need to. Then you will have a firm solid list of questions to work with. You can even let your husband look the over after you finish, let him read them, and then talk about them. If you give him a few minutes to read them first then he won't be taken so off guard.

It's just my suggest and maybe a way to ease the process.

MamaFish
I am so glad my advice seemed helpful and I hope you get all the answers you need. I told my husband that the night he answered all my questions, that I might have more later and this might not end for a while. He said, " Fine, I felt so much better after answering you that I will do it again" Funny thing, I haven't felt the need to ask anything else. Just knowing he would answer was enough for me.
I think "AskME's" advice about writing your questions down and showing your husband to give him time to think about it, is excellent advice too. One reason my husband said he was so reluctant to answer my questions, was that he didn't know what I might ask and worried about having to answer comparison questions or sex act questions. That wasn't what I wanted to know, so he was relieved. I wanted to know what was said and felt by him etc. Good luck and Happy Holdiays to you and your Family, too!

I am wondering .... do YOU get triggered everytime you see a hotel/motel in town?

What happends to YOU when you see a hotel/motel??? What do you feel?

Yea, what happens, that makes me wonder and want to see those places too. Stop!! I don't want to think about that!!! Reading too much on these boards sometimes is not good for me. It puts thoughts in my head that didn't occur to me.

Well, I see a huge flaw in ASKME's position ....

Why can Askme handle a bunch of triggers, while he assumes his wife cannot?

let's say it is restauants instead of Motels for a minute.... if the betrayed spouse does not know that the affair took place in a restaurant, they might choose to dine there one evening with their spouse, and it triggers the formerly wayward .... and he/she gets grumpy or moody and the betrayed spouse has NO IDEA what is wrong because he/she has been denied key information about the details of the affair!!!

My H took OW to Monterey and a couple other resort towns .... and if I did not know that detail, I might press my husband to go there with me .... and that might cause him pain and guilt, and a messy emotional time ... all because there were secrets between us.

I think it's so much better to know than to not know, so certain triggers can be avoided by both partners.

In the case of every hotel/motel in town ... MOVE to a new town!

We've been thinking about moving...

I didn't say I could handle the triggers. The triggers are a problem for me each time I pass them. Now they have a different response for me. They are reminders of the past things I did and they sometimes trigger regret and sometimes they trigger my SA. It just depends if I have my anxiety under control, which is my base emotional trigger.

I regret the things I have done. But I know I can't change the past, I can only move forward into the future. And I have made very positive steps with my wife through counseling, and accountability. I attend a mens group every week. I see a psychiatrist on a regular basis to treat my anxiety. I keep in touch with my counselor. So I do whatever it takes to ensure I stay on the right track.

Unfortunately I can't erase what is in my mind and that is why I am saying be careful what you ask. I'm not saying don't ask questions, just be careful that you ask what you really want to know. Sometimes we ask quickly and then we think why did I ask that. That is why I suggested writing out the questions just to give it some thought.

And a hotel is a hotel, and a restuarant is a restuarant if you just know he did those things maybe later when you feel more comfortable in your recovery you can ask more details about the wheres. Now that more time has passed with me and my wife I have shared more as the counselor has suggested. Again, I was a little different. 30 affairs in 2 years....that was a lot to share at once. She was having a hard enough time keeping up with 2 or 3 of the ones I was talking about. Not to mention I was having a hard time keeping up, I had to write out a list. For those who watched Dr. Phil and saw the guy who said he wrote out a list of names and the people laughed, it's not something to laugh about. You start to forget when you are in that addictive cycle and there are so many women, and you are keeping it all hidden.

Oh well, enough about me...didn't mean to run down the rabbit trail. I just wanted to give an alternate view. I do believe in honesty, and think that he should tell everything you need to know. I was just suggesting to be careful in what you asked.

And remember, the affair affects you, but his choice to have the affair is not about you. He made that choice because of an immature emotional problem. So don't let your questions compare yourself to her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Why?

Thanks AskMe ... I think your second response will be most helpful to everyone!

About moving...

So many triggers..

So much dodging..going different routes..in order to not see the FOW...

Plus...



I keep wondering which motels...

BTW..I don't feel as much animosity towards her..I smiled to myself the last time that I saw her..I just thought.."How Pitiful"..she seemed DESPERATE to catch a glimpse of me...

However, I certainly don't like seeing her...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

AskMe,
Thanks for the advice to carefully think about what I really need to know, and to write it down and come back to the list. I may give him the list to read ahead of time too. He has answered questions honestly when asked, but feels like I keep dwelling on it , and asking the same questions over and over. A list may be more acceptable to him because he will know that there is an end (and will know the questions too).

He has stressed over and over to me, that there was no comparison between the OW and me, and to not think that way. I try not to compare myself to her at all. I do not know her at all, I only know what he has told me about her, and she lives in a town an hour away, so there are no location triggers for me (except the name of the town, but that is not a big deal).

The A lasted about 7 months, and he has said that it was just for sex, she fell in love w/ him and started making demands on him, and he was not leaving his wife and family. He said he never loved her, and never stopped loving me. He said that he had tried to break it off w/ her a few times before. My questions are mostly along the lines of why did they get back together after breaking up, why did it go on for so long, how did he justify lying to me, etc. Friends of his (who I have only talked to by phone after DDay) have told me that all of the above is true (he was trying to break it off, etc). I guess I am not sure what to believe after being lied to for so long. I do have questions about the sex, but that is because SF is his top EN. I was not meeting this EN, so this was the reason he cheated, according to him. He felt rejected by me. Since this is the reason he was with her, I feel that I am justified in asking about what they did together sexually. We did talk about this a little bit and he said that he didn't want to go there because he didn't want to hurt me any more.

I did not talk to my H about this over the holiday. We had agreed not to discuss it so that we could have a nice Christmas for the kids. I am going to approach him tonight and try to arrange a time where we can go over my list.

Thanks for all the advice. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one out there who is looking for answers. I hope that I am able to put it all behind me and work on the recovery when my questions are answered. We are not going back to MC until Jan 9, which seems like an eternity to me.