So what do the couples that have never experienced infidelity, MC, LB or are even are of things like MB do to keep themselves intact and together.

Do they exist or are they living miserable lives?
Have all happily married couples been through the bad stuff and grown from it, which is why they are happy today?
Could two people really make it 10+ years and remain happy from an MB-perspective without professional help/coaching..
Could they really have those great communication skills without training?

Just curious...

Good questions. I had never heard of any of these things until now, and I wish I knew then what I know now. In my situation, my H was not meeting my ENs but I did not cheat on him. I was not happy and neither was he. I try to take the view that the A happened for a reason and the reason is so that we can make our marriage stronger than before.

At a holiday party recently, I was speaking with a woman who has been married for 34 years, who said that most of the couples in their circle of friends/age group were still together. She told me and my H that they seem to have different values than the younger generations. She stressed that marriage is a commitment to be taken seriously, and if you look outside the marriage to solve your marriage problems, you will only end up with more problems. What a wise woman...I don't know how "happily" married she and her husband are, but they must know something to still be together after so many years.

Real quick.

My opinion yes and no. If a couple both come from intact families that teach their children properly about marriage. How to address conflict appropriately and discuss the difficulties in marriage. The couples that can openly communicate their feelings and emotions and each party has the security and will to see that the other party is aware of and meets the needs of the other than that couple can have a successful marriage without any outside influences being necessary. I say "can" because because human nature plays a part and if they remain unaware of the temptations that surround them though they are better equipped to not succumb, succumb they may.

My wife just found a list of emotional needs (5 for husbands and 8 for wives) that she had printed in 2000. Years before her affair. We even went to a Family Lift Ministries Marriage Counseling weekend retreat within a year of being married to be a better couple. We had the tools and still became volnerable. My FOO issues were my parents really never taught me about resolving conflict in marriage because they legitimately had next to none...48 years married and they NEVER fight or argue or disagree. It's amazing but it's a fact. I had no idea how to address my wife's depression, phobia's and anxieties. I also am a pretty stoic guy so my lack of outward compassion, understanding and care were seen as neglect. When we failed to meet each others needs we both withdrew though we both loved each other immensely. My wife's FOO, extremely manic bi-polar father and a mother that would not leave him when she should have. My wife had to take charge of the family and was responsible for protecting her brother and mother from the wrath his mental illness causes the family. Her emotional growth was stunted in her important adolescent years and the extent of the damage was to a large extent hidden from me and everyone in the outside world. I knew there were problems but we did not have the tools to identify the real issues and develope the intimacy necessary for a succesfull marriage.

My conclusion...everyone has FOO issues and marriage is hard work. My marriage is better after the affair and my daughter will likely end up having a better shot at a successful marriage because we will emphasize the important skills and how to utilize them to better enable her to succeed. The hurt and pain of my wife's betrayal can be paid forward to benefit my daughter and future son in law and the people I try to help here. Yes, my wife and I were both miserable before her affair though we had the tools... we just did not know how to use them or how important they were until now.

Anything is possible but for those couples having difficulty the difficulties must be addressed.

Mr. Wondering

sorry kind of a quick ramble

FYI

FOO = family of origin

Mr. Dubya

Do they exist or are they living miserable lives?
nope not miserable at all...

Have all happily married couples been through the bad stuff and grown from it, which is why they are happy today?
always have bad stuff we can't control...try our hardest to never be the creators of bad stuff within our control...

Could two people really make it 10+ years and remain happy from an MB-perspective without professional help/coaching..
fourteen years this month.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Could they really have those great communication skills without training?
had lots of training....watched my parents model good relationship skills...
they are affectionate
they argue but make up...
etc...
they created home to be safe..with boundaries and rules...

happily married fourteen years...
three kids oldest is seven..so our house is always hoppin fun...
ps
I am on my way to therapy right now...bowling with the gurls!!!ladies night out...whoo-hooo..cheapest therapy round....
ARK

Know what I have seen?

Happy people are busy people.

There is a lot of truth to the old "Idle mind..." saying.

Yeah. If there were two people who were GENERALLY raised to be unselfish and the learnin' took AND they were pretty busy in their lives, I'd give them better odds than two people who were GENRALLY selfish with too much time on their hands no matter how much training they had. Or even if one was.

Peronally, I only feel down when I'm not busy. That's when I have time to ponder my sense of ENTITLEMENT. And it ALWAYS gets the better of me, usually resulting in me doing something stupid.

This question gave me pause to think about my past married years. We always knew people cheated and always had worked in the past to stay strong in our comitment together. I think he knew when OW was transfered to his garage that he was in trouble and chose at taht moment not to tell me. That is when he deicided to cheat. But all those years we had 18 we always talked about everything. Called each other a few times a day, joked, played, went everywhere together. Before we moved here it was great. Also alot of the guys he works with down here cheat. Our old crowd did not cheat. We all hung out together. Not in this state. Plus here more women came on to him then where we used to live.