I discovered my husband's brief affair (July and August) 6 weeks ago. I struggled for a couple weeks to even look at him or allow him to stay. He was very sorry, complied with all my demands finally for details and assured me there had been no contact since the summer. I forgave him, but still felt very insecure and depressed. I am seeing an IC and that helps. We saw a marriage counselor for a couple weeks and that made me feel worse so I refused to go back and found my own counselor. My husband wants to do anything to help. He has tried to buy me a new house, car, jewelry to make me feel better. All of which I refused to even talk about. He thinks if we have sex every morning that I feel better the rest of the day and I am less hurt and angry with him. It is probably true, but it seems like the wrong solution to my problem. We have always had a good and active sex life, but more like 3 or 4 times a week and that was plenty. Every day seems excessive and I wonder if it is just masking problems that will come back later. Is this healing or is it just delaying true healing?

From everything else you say he's doing, he might just be trying to show you he's concentrating on you and only you now…and trying to make “it” up to you. He might, in fact, be going about it the wrong way but do you have any information or more concrete suspicions he’s doing anything else? I expect you know the signs that he’s straying or thinking about it from reading the posts in this website. Do any of those signs exist?

You may, or may not have intended anyone to see this in your post, but I’m quite interested in the question of why you’ve ruled out MC in favor of IC only. I note that an IC knows only what you tell him/her about events and people. If the problem is between two people who together form a marital unit, shouldn’t it be MC?

A comment: couple’s counseling provides a forum where you and your husband can explore if…and if, why…the conditions were there for an adultery. Adultery is never something to be condoned and can never be excused by any such condition, period. However, resolving a pre-existing condition is usually a much better process than refusing to face it because it makes one feel bad. The medicine that makes the body whole again is usually a foul-tasting brew indeed, if you’re into analogies.

Perhaps these thoughts may spark something in your mind and heart.

"He has tried to buy me a new house, car, jewelry to make me feel better."

If my WH had offered these things, I would have taken him up on them.

But seriously, you are still new in this, and it takes time. You might check out the Torn Asunder book, especially the chapter on the message of the affair.

Longhorn,
I don't believe he is hiding anything, but I was totally surprised by the affair, so who knows.
We had a marriage counselor that didn't suit us or maybe it was too soon. We went 2 days after i found out and I was still in shock and so hurt I just couldn't hear anything negative. The excuses my husband was giving for why he had an affair were so ridiculous that it was useless. He admits that now and says he was just trying to say anything to get out of trouble. I found an individual counselor who is a woman and really makes me feel less like a victim. She does couple counseling too, so I anticipate that we will grow into that in time.

When I ask questions now, I feel the answers he gives me are true and they satisfy me. That, all by itself, makes me feel so much better.

Good luck. My thoughts are with you.

Beliver,
Yes, I may look back and think "Was I nuts!" to turn down all those presents. At the time he was offering it was insulting and the last thing that would have helped. Thanks for making me smile, I don't get to do much of that when I am thinking about his affair or posting here.

Which almost sounds like therapy.

Be careful. A bad therapist can make you feel good. And at times you feel awful after seeing a good one.

The therapy question is best answered by progress. Strong feelings and emotions will be there, but step back and take a HARD look at yourself some time after a session when your head is clear. If you don't feel progress, I wouldn't do it. Or change therapists.

Litmus test I would also use about what your husband is saying is therapy.

And I will probably get slammed. If it is an emotional need of his, you SHOULD meet it. I just don't agree if it is destructive to you. In that case, it is something to consider and work on. You have had a tough pill forced on you.

Get yourself right. The marriage will follow. And get yourself right does NOT mean "do what makes you feel good." It means take a critical look at the broken parts of YOU that contributed to this situation and fix them. Some of that will feel good, some won't.

YOU fix YOU. HE fixes HIM. Then the marriage gets fixed.

NC you said,
And I will probably get slammed. If it is an emotional need of his, you SHOULD meet it.

It probably would be an emotional need of his, he loves to hold me all night as we sleep and I always tend to be easily awakened. So I try to roll away and escape. Since the affair,for the first time, it feels good to me to held all night. I'm sure he loves that part and I'm sure I will eventually get tired of it and pull away in the night. I am trying not to do that for now. Is that the fix me or fix him? For him to be fixed,I think I have to be more physically totally available than I am comfortable with. So I have to change, which is hard to do at 54.

So you seem to be saying, if sex every day makes me feel better and more secure, do it.

OK. With the medical disclaimer of he should be checked for STDs and such aside. Yes.

You should do what makes you feel better and more secure.

But BEFORE you make that choice (whatever it is)...

Is it within the guidelines of the Rule of Protection. Or is it a love buster? Or are their long term negative consequences. Beating the crap out of someone who ticks me off, might make me feel better. But there are consequences. So I don't make that choice by considering it before I make it.

So you make the choice. You have considered your safety and the effect on those around you. Those within your circle of concern.

Do it.

... then AFTER evaluate it. Make sure it is not a "crutch" that will lead to dependency. Your long term goal is self-actualization. When you get there, the things you do will be driven by the fact that you want to do them, not by the fact that you can't live without doing them. That's how you tell.

I think you are looking too much at the rest of the world to decide what is normal. What is normal for some may not be normal for you. The knee-jerk reaction would be "how could you do that after what he did?"

As long as you are not enabling his deviant behavior (the A), slamming him with love busters and disrespectful judgments, or compromising your own PERSONAL boundaries. (And I emphasize personal because MY boundaries aren't yours.) Then where is the problem?

NCW

NC,
I think I understand what you mean. He has been checked for stds. Once on his own in summer after the affair (before I knew about it) and again last week to prove it to me. He is clean of stds.
I suppose there are not any big negatives from daily sex to connect and feel close for now. It surely won't continue for long, after all, we are not "spring chickens" I am just going to accept that it may be a part of healing for me and not over analyse it. Thanks.

And that is how you will get through it. You used the "accept" word. Leads to forgiveness.

Exactly right. Don't overanalyze it. But promise you'll keep an eye on it. Figure out where that boundary is and enforce it. Good, well defined boundaries is key. If they wobble, shift and are poorly defined, it will lead to confusion and strife between you and your husband.

They should be defined enough that they protect you so that YOU can love yourself, and not so insurmountable that he can't love you. We all have a hard enough time figuring ourselves out, than to try to deal with someone who's boundaries are changing every day.

Make up sex can be pretty good while it lasts so I would also enjoy it for the moment.

It's really only excessive if you aren't enjoying it. If you are both into it then why not. It helps build intamacy I think.

Sex for me was extremely healing. It helped to soothe my anxieties and gave me strength to get through another day.

I also used rubbing his back as a way to make physical contact, that I benefited from, as well as my then w/s.

We looked forward to this every single night since shortly after discovery day.

Our love life has melted down to a comfortable 3-4 nights a week, for the past month.

At the time, both of us need the nightly comfort that sex brought us.

Thanks all, you have made me feel much better about everything. This is a great place to get opinions about problems that I don't seem to have any perspective on. I have lost confidence in my decision making skills. But I will get back on track and be myself again. I feel stronger every day. Thanks again from the heart.