hi,

its been awhile since ive posted. ow and i got along for awhile then she wigged out on us, had decided to not let oc be in our lives yet continues relationship with h 18 yr d. i let it go, decided to give to god, ive been much at peace. then today she texted me that if we wanted to know anything to ask her. this from me asking hd if she knew what oc name was going to be.
we text back and forth then i called, she is on bed rest baby not due untill march 20 but she is already having contractions.
heres the thing i would like your thoughts on this. first she was saying she didnt want my 14 yr son around baby feels he would hurt him. my son is over protective of his neises and nephews. he was very hurt when his dad went out with this girl first he finds out were not going to be together then one week later finds out dad is dating a girl 10 years older then him. no, he isnt going to be happy, no he isnt going to like her, no he not going to respect her or his dad yes hes going to be angry at his father. but this baby he feels is innocent its not babys fault and has already defended him. but she didnt like my son because he was disrepectful. she had no sympathy at all for him and what he was going through back then. i told her he would never take it out on the baby. then it comes out that she wants my h to show that he cares about baby now. claims she doesnt want him but wants him too get somthing down on paper concerning cs and v before oc comes that if he waits he is going to have a fight that she will fight him. my h was staying away untill baby comes he doesnt want to deal with her drama. basiclly shes saying he needs to deal with it now or forget it.
i made him call her i hthink he would rather stay out of whole mess. not because of oc but ow he has dealt w xw and now dd is 18 and he s tired of doing the op control stuff. i had told myself and him that i would respect and stand by what ever he wants. but then broke down feeling that i coulnd respect him if he could deny his own child. so he talked to her. and now im emotionaly messed up again i didnt stay out of it and now im a mess.
i dont want to deal with all the control issues again. that is what i see from her. maybe its best if we walk away. she says she wont be like his xw yet that is what im seeing. who brings amm dd into it not wanting her father involved. why is it so important to get this done before oc comes or else... please help all thoughts welcome from both sides i really dont want to abandon this oc but is this really going to be a good thing for any of us.
ill be waiting to hear anything, thanks for listening

I see it pretty simply. NC until paternity is established after OC is born. Or if she had an amnio (which if she's had complications she may have had to), then paternity can be established right now.

If then, you & your H choose C with the OC, get it set up legally and go from there. I wouldn't allow any text messaging and wouldn't reply back to her. You're just fueling the fire and feeding her frenzy.

After paternity is established and a visitation & CS are set up with the court system, she has NO choice as to whom your H and you choose to have C with OC.

It's out of her hands. She knew what she was getting into going into this with a pregnancy with a MM. There's not a darned thing H can do about her pregnancy condition, bed rest etc. Let her family, friends, community groups fill her "emotional" and whatever else needs she has. Nothing your H can do for the baby that's not born. You, your H and your family are under no obligation to support HER in any way. Don't feel guilty. She's an adult and chose her path.

And..... you don't have to defend or apologize for your son's behavior. He has a right to have feelings and hopefully can eventually channel them in productive ways. The OW should be apologizing to your son, who's world has been turned upside down because of two "adults" who had/have no self-respect or self-control etc.

Take this time (until OC is born) to work on your relationship and repairing your family unit and decide what's best for your family as far as NC or C.

as inanutshell said, unless she has an amnio test and paternity can be established now, I don't think there's nothing else to do before OC is born.
And even with that CS and V through court would probably have to wait until OC is born.

have you read my update?
If what you and your H want C with OC, your H as the father has rights to see OC as well as your son. There is nothing OW can do to prevent that. There is nothing OW can do to prevent you to have C with OC.

I'm not talking about OW's in general, but at least it seems that OW in your case as well as OW in case, they want to have control over everything including our relationships.
Not only that but they react offended when we demonstrate any affection/concern for OC.
We are no monsters. We are not going to hurt OC ... why would they not want us to have C with them?

"Because you have a bigger heart" says my xH ...

I completely understand your feelings about your H and his possible relationship with OC ...
That's exactly how I feel ...
not only that but I do want my DD to grow up close to OC ... I don't care about OW but I do care about OC as he is family to my daughter, thus family to me.

I am so sorry for your despair. My H and I have chosen NC before or after OC's birth. The baby was born earlier last week. I too felt control issues from the OW. When the OC is born, I would really suggest going to court for your H's visitation. Once that is established, she can do and say whatever she wants, but she no longer has complete control.

I wish you well.

I'm sure it is a control issue. It might also be her hormones playing crazy while she's pregnant. I know I was worried when I was pregnant because of my situation that my baby wouldn't have a father. Maybe she's actually worried about her child and not your H. Either way I think if you can come to an agreement w/o all the fighting you are better off. I know a lot of people don't see it my way, but that's how I feel. I think when you have to fight it out in court it can get very nasty, so you have to decide what you want. Don't let OW manipulate you or H. She doesn't hold all the cards. Research and know the laws. Then you know what you can and can't have in a custody agreement.

Hello Wife30,

I completely understand and I agree. If your dealing with level headed individuals, you can come to agreements outside of the court, but if your dealing with UN-level headed individuals, then the best place to go is to the court. That way, no one is getting the best of anyone. It's in stone, and can't be changed or compromised without repercussions. I would agree with you about the hormones, but my OW seems to really have lost her mind post-birth, so....

I hope you have a wonderful New Year.

thankyou all for your suggestions,



wife30, we had attempted to do this right to do this with her i also felt this best for oc. but she changed all that keeping my hdd involved in her life yet were not supposed to ask dd anything. that is wrong for her to even have hdd this involved. ow was going to keep oc away from us tell oc about his father when hes 16 yet keep his daughter in oc life and she not tell dad anything. that isnt right.
then she wants them to agree to somthing on paper befor oc comes or she will fight him she sees hxw all this for going out with her for 5 weeks. weve had a controling person hxw in our lives and dont want to do it again. i recognise what shes doing, its obvious that the xw is telling her what she should do.at first she says to me that visitation would have to be supervised theres no reason for that and that sounds like xw. I really wish we could have worked together on this, but i dont think its possible at least not right now.

crazyhurt, thankyou with all u go through your still here for me thanks. i know things are hard for you right now. i was reading on another thread that your checking in with a lawyer concerning cs. i wish u wouldnt i so strongly feel that since she is married her h is the one that is responsible. paying cs is not fun dont just do it he first should prove hes not the father, [her h] im surprisee your lawyer is going along with this and it doesnt sound like your getting a discount either. with all my heart i wish you would wait dto do this let them file against you dont just willingly give cs oc has a father, u dont want c please wait. i really do care i have followed your story since u first came on and this is how ive always felt.
good luck and thankyou, i have given ow our home # i dont want her to have h cell # maybe a bad idea but i dont want to talk to her anymore, it makes me a mess. time for h to do it, but he doesnt want to either. we decided to wait tell oc born then go through cs enforcment have her served with p papers, then let them decide. she isnt going to be happy but needs to learn now she is not going to be in control. we are not going to jump she can make all the threats she wants. h can be dad to baby , we dont have to deal with her, and arnt going to. it wasnt going to be like this i had hoped but i dont see that there is anyother way. thanks, keep me posted, ill be praying for you

to inanutshell,

sorry coulnt get more on that last post. thankyou, i agree with you. i just always wanted to do what is right and best for oc. but am realizing that not always possible. my h wants nothing to do with her she feels like he should be caring about her and oc asking about oc and going to doc app with her cause she was told other men do. she doesnt see diferrancs doesnt get it that h will be agood dad when oc comes but not before. he is not going to care about her.i used to care but am quickly not after things she has said, and ways she has been acting. ive dealt with hxw for 14 yers. im not going to do it again w someone that was a 5 week fling, for the next 18. im the only one that can control my h as im wearing his ring im not going to let her have any form of control i dont know what makes her think she can. thanks you helped alot. mily, thankyou,

yes i have read your update, its wonderfull. you have given me hope, i would love to talk to you hear how you did it. i feel so much guilt if we arnt there for her. i know h is only responsible for oc not her i just get concerned about what others think of me. as were all in some of the saame social circles. we are going to wait untill oc born and go through courts, we will not get attorney as we cant afoord one. i would love to hear what you have done regarding this and how you did it and got through it all.
thanks again

IMTS - Hello there. Don't worry. We won't budge until they follow everything they must do first. Not one dime will be spent until after her H has taken a paternity test. Then we will go from there. They keep telling us that her H is not the father because he had a vasectomy. I also believe that it is my H's child, but they will do the work. We will only counter.

I hope that Christmas was wonderful for all you ladies, and I hope that we all have a wonderful New Year. God bless us all. Please continue to keep us in your prayers.

"i feel so much guilt if we arnt there for her. i know h is only responsible for oc not her i just get concerned about what others think of me. as were all in some of the saame social circles."

Oh, but I know how you feel, my friend...

Can anyone tell us the answer here?

I know it shouldn't matter what others think of "us"... but to a few, it does.

Any research done on this or articles?

A big hug to you imtswife... I care and understand.

Blessings,

Eibrab

IMT's and E, the fact that you care about what happens to the OW does not make you abnormal. it shows you have a lot of compassion and empathy. you are right, alot of BS have no compassion for the OP and they have every right to feel that way. after all, the OP were not worried about them when they were screwing their WS.

I think the fact that you can have compassion for a person who has willingly and knowlingly engaged in a course of action which has brought you so much pain shows you both have a depth of spirit that is uncommon these days and dont you dare feel bad for it!

public opinion can be fickle and cruel. please do not worry what others are thinking of you. most could never even begin to fathom the difficulties and issues involved in this little nightmare. you cant live your life based on others illformed and ignorant opinions. do what is right for you and your life.

that being said, imt's in your situation, as hard as it is for you, i would really really really suggest that you not engage with this woman. She sounds like she is feeling mighty entitled and that is probably being fueled by the exwife. if you give her an inch at this point she will demand a mile.

i wish there was some way you could get the exwife out of the pciture. she sounds like she is making a bad situation even worse. i think h's dd involved with the oc is also inappropriate at best but i realise she is 18 and since her mother is supporting it there is not alot you guys could probably do about it anyway.

i think the best thing you guys can do for yourselves is to just go totally into silent running mode. decline all contact unless it is to inform you of either miscarriage or birth, at which point let her file for CS and then you can establish paternity. Have you got a lawyer ready? if so, do you think you could direct her to contact him/her rather than you direct? if not, is there a freind of your marriage who might be willing to act as post office.

i am so sorry you are having to face this.

big hugs

carolyn

to ch, thats great im glad u r doing what your doing. i wont have to worry about it so much. i agree to him proving hes not first. too many men have gotten their wives pregnant after having vasectomies, i wouldnt believe it untill i saw proof. thanks again for being here for me and everyone else we appriate it.

e, thanks for caring and understanding

c73, thanks, i agree we need to step back. i need to for my sanity alone. my h doesnt and hasnt wanted anything to do with her.my story is a little differant then others. my h and i had seperated were working on things but then i felt as though nothing would change{i hadnt found this web site yet} so i told him i was never going back to him. along comes ow, we had known her from meetings. she was more then happy to go out with this older man. h 42 ow 24, later h finds out it was mainly for shock value and she wanted someone to hang out with during the summer. my h asked me again if i would come back to him i said no, so he told me he was going to go out with her. i know he was trying to get over me, i thought i wouldnt care but found i did, most pain i have ever indured.i never begged him to come back, although i begged him to not be with her she wasnt right for him.maybe if i had i wouldnt be dealing with this now.although i dont like it i also believe things happen for a reason. im sre there is a reason for this. he did finally come to his senses and we were back together, no words said, it just happened cause we knew we were supposed to be. we found out ow p one week later.h hasnt been happy or thrilled the whole time he just wants his wife and family. doesnt want to go through all this again. xw was very controlling never gave him any rights her way or no way. and now she has found awqy to continue messing with him. were not going to let it happen again.
i wish we could afford an attorney but we cant, we dont like dd being involved i dont think its right for ow to bring her in on this and expect her to not talk to her father about it yet she can talk to her mother. its just not right to bring her in at all.we had told the ow we had one request to stay away from xw. that didnt last. they went out for 5 weeks it was a mistake, h tring to get over me. how does all this happen. im just greatful that it wasnt an affair, like most bw on this forum, i feel for all of you i know my pain was ****** never want to go through it again, but im sure yours was even worse. however i do still worry that someday he could leave me for her again because th oc does tie them together. thankgod my h doesnt see it like that.to be honest i dont think my h would have any part of this if it wasnt for me, i feel children need to have there fathers and i just dont have respect for men that deny there kids. sometimes i wish i could be a cold person but im just not that way. so ill keep praying for gods will in this and for peace in my heart and marriage.
thanks to all for being here for me.

imt - that's interesting. Our exOW wanted H's financial info b4 birth of OC too and was unwilling to talk about visitation until H did that. I don't know what the big deal is, I find it really hard to understand where these OW are coming from in most areas. We weren't doing anything until P test was established, which we initiated as soon as OC was born. It wasn't a question to us, but with our other children involved, we weren't going to just take her word. Why does he have to do it NOW?

Whatever - I would say, do NC and when baby is born, initiate it legally and she won't have a choice. Good luck!

PS - Our exOW did chill out after the birth and especially after the legal stuff was done, so hang in there.

hello cdij,

i dont understand her need to do it before oc comes i think she just wants control. we too espically h wants no part of it untoll oc comes we think also that its probably his but its best to be sure since this is a big thing that affects many people. i know its going to make her mad, she called yesterday i didnt answer i decided i cant anymore its too much for me. my h didnt call her either he didnt want our new years messed up by the stress of her possible threats. my h really doesnt want to talk to her at all. if oc not here no reason to talk to her. of coarse she gets upset that he doesnt care about his baby. even suggested he at least write a letter to hus son if he doesnt want to talk to her. hows that for beeing crazy. he will take responsibility for oc but untill hes here h is not happy about it. how did u initiate paternity did ow allow u both to see oc befor it was done. thanks for your suggestions, i feel myself getting stronger all the time , thanks to all of you being here for me.
i am going to read up on your posts, i just learned how to do it.
well thanks again, imtswife

My 47 yr. old exWS had an affair with a 21 yr.old OW, who got pregnant. They met each other through their A.A./N.A. meetings. We weren't separated. I found it interesting that he chose to see a 21 year old. There were lots of older women in their groups. (He swears it wasn't a mid-life crisis!)They had a son who has Down Syndrome.

My exWS wanted to reconcile before the OC was born. But, he wanted to be clear with me that he would not abandon a child if it was his. He said he knew he had no right to even ask me to consider coming back under the circumstances. I was willing to consider reconciliation.

My exWS was at the birth. I don't know about pre-natal appointments(probably was because she had no car to drive.) He didn't have the guts to tell me about the birth! I had to hear it from a friend who attends N.A. This was pretty reflective of our entire "attempts" at reconciliation. All talk....no walk.

As far as the OW's expectations of my WS being involved with her pregnancy and parenting the baby... Bottom line is I don't know what kind of promises my exWS made to her. She did know he was married. But, I talked with her one time before I knew she was pregnant. As we talked, it was obvious that my exWS was handing her a line of crap, too. He told her he was moving things out of our home little by little to be with her, etc, etc. He was doing no such thing!

I don't think my exWS wanted the pregnancy or the OC situation. The OW may have lied about using birth control. I do know, however, that my exWS didn't use condoms. He could have made all sorts of promises of support to the OW. I know that if I were her I'd probably be going nuts, too, to see him turn his back on me and our possible child. The man can walk away from a pregnancy with all his promises and sweet talk. The woman can't.

I have heard rumors that the OW deliberately got pregnant to try and keep my exWS with her. I obviously don't know for sure. If she did, I have no feelings of concern about her whatsoever. One should NEVER bring an innocent child into this kind of situation.

Many people view the BSs' as being weak when we are open to any type of contact and reconciliation when an OC is involved. I have thought that about myself. I remind myself, however, that it can actually show what loving people we are. We don't hold it against the innocent OC. I'm just as glad I haven't had to deal with reconcilation related to the OW. I don't know that I could have handled her!