I am so lost, hurt and confused right now. My wife of 4-1/2 years had an affair with someone I thought was my friend (as well as hers) the last week of October. The information came out over the course of November.

She has stated that she wants to work on this marriage, and so do I. We had fallen into a vicious cycle of not meeting each other's emotional needs, and now we're in a mess.

I thought things were starting to get better, even though she had not gone no contact despite my requests. We started actively seeking marriage counseling, and I started working on all the things I needed to fix.

I have, through a lot of ways, completely (or nearly completely) destroyed any love she had for me. I know that I will have to do most of the initial work, to prove to her that I do love her and that I can change. I need to build up a body of proof to give her enough hope that it's not a temporary change so she will be able to start lowering her walls that she's put in place before me.

I thought that we were making progress, however small. Then I came home from work on Monday, and she dropped a bombshell on me. She was going to leave me for 2 weeks to say goodbye to the other guy - over the New Year! She would come back, and be able to work on our marriage.

I completely lost it (not in an angry way, though angry outbrusts are one of the things that I have used to destroy her love for me) - crying and sobbing and holding onto her tight. We had our first MC session the next day (it was already scheduled).

We are both Christians, and are working through His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters. This has brought me to my knees before God, and forced me to get off the fence about my Christianity and walk with God. I have been praying daily, I have fasted and meditated on God's word, I have prayed over my wife every morning and every night, and am trying my best to show her my love.

I am so afraid of losing her, and our family (11 year old step-son, 3 year old daughter). The very fact that I'm so desparate is working against me, and I know this, but I still cannot help but plead my case for her not to go (despite even the MC counselor asking me to not push her on this).

I have continued to seek God's will in this, and what he wants me to do. By Wednesday night, I had accepted the fact that she will most likely go (though she is willing to reduce the trip to 1 week and possibly push it back a week to reduce the cost of child care). I have consigned the issue of the trip to God, because I do not have enough credit with her right noow to change her mind. I felt then, and still feel, that God wants me to leave the trip in His hands (whether or not she goes), and to continue to love her and when she returns to work on this marriage.

Today, one of our friends called to talk to me. She had a different point of view (she had an affair in her first marriage, and is now on her second and doing good, so has first-hand experience in this). Her recommendation was that I take a solid stand, and tell her not to go, but if she goes I will not be here for her. Our friend also told me that it was only her opinion, and that if I firmly believed that God was telling me to leave it to Him and work on the marriage, to do so.

My wife and I had a date tonight, and went out to a movie. I was able to force thoughts of the upcoming trip away most of the time, and concentrate on her, but it was still bittersweet. One of her big complaints in our marriage is my lack of physical affection, so I've been focusing on that a lot. Even last week, I could get some response from her. Tonight I got almost no response.

I'm fighting so hard to leave this in God's hands, and I don't know if I can. Or if I'm deceiving myself. I have told her that if she goes on this trip, she will undo what little progress we've made in the last few weeks, and most likely set us back further. She knows she's risking everything, and she knows she's ripping me apart worse than the original affair.

I know if I give her an ultimatum, she'll try and call my bluff and leave permanently. I can't stand the thought of that.

Am I wrong to not actively oppose her trip? I've told her that I will not take her to the airport, nor will I pick her up when she returns (she has promised to return). I will allow her to talk with our kids, but I will not initiate contact with her in any fashion while she is on the trip nor will I accept any contact from her while she is on the trip.

My biggest fear now is not the trip - it's that this marriage cannot be saved. A lot of people are praying - and praying hard for us. And, she says, the more people pray, the harder her heart seems to get. What am I doing wrong?

I know that the BS cannot end the affair - it has to die its own death. What can I do? What should I do? I will fight for this marriage, no matter how hard it is, but I cannot fight forever if there is no change on her part.

As I said earlier, I know that I have to do a lot of the work up front, to give her reason to believe she can open up to me again. I'm just very scared and very alone right now (it's 2:30 AM on Friday morning on the left coast of the US for me).

I continue to seek God's will in this, and ask him to reveal to me what His plan is. I'm still on the side of leaving the trip in His hands and drawing on His strength and love to give me the strength and endurance to keep working on this marriage.

brokenbird

This part of the forum is not as busy, you may want to post in General QuestionsII. It is much more active.

Some of the pros over there will be able to give you better information.

I would say that everything I have read would lead me to think she should not go. I'm not sure how you would stop her, but I think others may be able to help you.

It sounds like you are making a ood start with the counseling and the books you are reading.

Please post on GQII.

I'm sorry you have to be here.

Hello,

I am sorry for your pain but I believe that you are doing a lot of things wrong. There is an old saying which states: No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. You say you are both Christians but she continued to have a sexual affair, putting your health at risk for STD's and destroying your marriage.

She claims she wishes to work on the marriage but then tells you she will be leaving at the end of the year to spend 2 weeks with the OM having fun in the sack in order to say good-bye to him? My friend she is showing you a total lack of respect and shows utter distain for your feelings and your marriage. No contact with the OM is essential and No contact with the OM is immediate. If the OM is married then you need to expose it. If not, you need to expose it anyway to everyone including your families. Please ask yourself the following question: How could your wife ever respect a husband who allows his wife to have sex with her lover for the next weeks and welcomes her home with open arms afterwards to work on their marriage?

I know that you are hurting but if you come across as so needy and willing to be a doormat for her then she will never have respect for you at all. Do you really believe that your wife would accept such demeaning behavior from you if the roles had been reversed? If you do not respect yourself then who will? Make her realize the consequences of her actions. Tell her if she off with her lover for the next 2 weeks then you will be contacting a lawyer. It may or may not work. The bottom line is that allowing this behavior without consequences sends a clear message to her that you are willing to accept all types of humiliating behavior from her because you are afraid and needy. You deserve more in your life than having a wife who cheats on you and then tells you she will be gone with her lover for the next 2 weeks. Nobody would respect a person who allows themselves to be a total doormat and allows his wife to put his health at risk for diseases. Allowimg her to walk all over you is the worst thing you can do. Please respect yourself because she does not and you deserve much more in your life than to be so totally humiliated like this. Please wake up and open your eyes. I wish you luck.

Bryanp -

I respect your opinion, but I have to disagree with you. There is information that I did not give in my initial post, which does not give an accurate picture of everything ongoing in this situtation. I will move this over to GQII, and take the time to right up a more accurate summation.

Suffice it to say for now that in many ways I am reaping what I sowed with my own impure thoughts and fantasies. I opened a door that I should not have. It does not relieve my wife of any responsibility, but it is not as cut and dried as it may appear at first glance.