My wife and I have been steadily growing apart for about 4 years now, since we had our first child. We both noticed, and tried to work at it in our own way without really talking to each other about what we wanted. I still love my wife very much, and do not want a divorce, but she is persistent that she does. about a week ago she told me that she had cheated on me with my best friend of 22 years, later she told me that she had lied it that she was just angry at both of us. But she said that she had cheated with someone that her friends had introduced her too. I really do not believe her because there are too many holes in her story, and she had been talking about a divorce for about a month, she now that I would not be able to accept or forgive someone who cheated on me. She said that it happened when I moved out for a two days. ON the second day she called me and said that it was ok for me to come back home. She didn't tell me that she had cheated until about two weeks after I came back. Since then I have been staying at the apt with W, trying to get a car for myself so I can stay at my brothers, which is about 25 minutes from my work and 2 kids. We have had a few arguments, no screaming or yelling by either of us. However, over the last few days, we have been getting along really well, laughing, joking, doing things together with the kids, and were even intimate. Last night I noticed that she had signed up for myspace, and she had put that she was divorced, and was looking for friends and dating. We are both pretty religious, and I meant my vows that we took on our wedding day. I DO NOT BELIEVE IN DIVORCE. Up until about a month ago, I thought she was the same way. I still want to move out, and give each other a little space, and time to think, but I think that if I do move out then she will have no incentive to try to work things out. We went to one counseling session, and she never agreed on a time for the next appt, before she told me that it was over for her. I was wondering if I am holding on to a thread of hope, or that it is really over, and I need to try to move on?

Welcome to Marriage Builders. This is a great place to be in your situation. Please make sure you read all the articles and info on this site, NOT just these discussion forums.

There is not a lot of traffic here during the holidays, which is probably why there wasn't a response to your post.

You are right, if you move out, it will not help things. You need to be there, with your wife, to show her how you want to work on the marriage. Read up on Plan A & B here (link provided).

How long have you been married, and how old are your kids?

We will have been married 4 years in September, living together for 6. Our kids are 4 and 2, our 4 years old just had surgery on Oct 6 to remove a brain tumor, we both took time off work to be with him while he was in the hospital, I had to go back to work and watch our youngest, she stayed a the hospital with him for 5 weeks during his rehabilitation. I have a feeling a lot of this was brought on by the stress of our son, and probably a little post par tum dep. I know she suffered from it after both kids but thought she was over it.

Sorry to hear about your son. That is undoubtedly a HUGE part of your problems. When parents have seriously ill children, or lose a child, it puts tremendous pressure on the marriage.

Your poor wife is probably worn out and sick with worry.

I suggetst you both get some counseling. There is no reason to end a marriage because of something like this.

Have you checked out the emotional needs section to make sure you are meeting her top ones?

I had asked her about them, going through what I had read, filled out the questionaire, printed a copy for her, and asked her to fill it out, this was a few weeks ago, she filled out about half a page. She told me some of her needs, and I have been trying meet them as best as I can, but she really doesn't want to try. So as far as details, I don't have any, I am just trying to remember all the things she has mentioned over the years. We had a big fight on Christmas night. I had asked to talk to her, I told her what I was thinking and feeling about us, she eneded up laughing at me, and told me she was going out. It was 10:00 on christmas night, she had not seen our kids since around 3:00 and as soon as I got home with them she wanted to leave. I asked her to resume counciling, with anybody she wanted, just as long as we started getting help to see if we could work things out. I asked her if she would be willing to try that, she said "no because you are annoying me." She just stopped talking and begain ignoring me, which is something she knows really hurts me and eventually get me angry. I had to get out of the house to clear my head before things escalated into yelling or something else. I told her I would be back later and left to visit my brothers.
She called and implied that she would report the car stolen if I did not come home to watch the kids so she could go out. I eventually ended up at my brothers house where we had quite a few beers and started talking about things, which made things worse because I got really angry, and decided that I wanted her to feel the pain and anguish that she was causing me. So I made up a story of wanting to kill myself. I know, I know, I was really drunk, it seemed like a pretty funny idea at the time. It kind of got out of conrtol, and in the process I sobered up and realized what I was doing. I explained what i was really thinking. I ended up getting home about 8:00 in the morning and we talked for a while, but things are still real edgey. I think I can already see the posts, just let me say, NO I do not have a drinking problem, I have not had any thing to drink before that night since the begining of November. Just didn't fell like it, until that night and things went bad.

J, that's how drinking habit start. If you want to save your M, stay away from drinking, you need your head clear & sober.

Read up plan A ... it is not about her, it is about you to change. It is hard b/c you do it w/o expecting nada from her.

I suggest you to focus the kids ... your M might endup in Dv but you don't want your kids have emotional scars. I did that during plan A and my M ended in Dv but I am able to gain custody plus my 2 D are doing great in school & sports.

Step back from chasing her. Guess her top 3 ENs and avoid LB'ed and starts from there.

-rh-