I still have questions for you former wayward spouses who have decided to return to your marriages and work on them.

Could you tell me if there was something special that made you decide to come back?

Maybe there was an event that triggered something to make you come back? Maybe the OP broke it off?

If the case is the A came to an end and then you decided to go back to the M do you feel that you were in some 'fog' now that you look back? Up until then did you really feel there was no chance of you going back to your marriage. Basically, how did you feel when the whole A came to an end?

How long did your A last after D-day? How long did it take before you decided to return to your marriage?

I appreciate any of your input. The viewpoints of WS's who have decided to repair their marriages have been the most valuable to me. Please feel free to elaborate also.

Thanks

Bump for TreborRose

I'm the BS but I'll have a stab at this one as it pertains to my situation.

Day after D-Day before WW left me for OM, the OM'sW came in and gave her a huge serve - you've ruined my life, I'll be a single mother, I will live in some s**t hole ..... that sort of stuff. A few days after that, WW & OM were getting into a car together and OM's wife saw them - almost crashed into car, got out started banging on car (with WW inside).... get out of my car you ******..... real bad scene.

Soon after wife came home & I asked why she came home she said not for you, not for kids but because she realised the pain & damage she was doing to OM's family - I wasn't too happy about that but I was prepared to take whatever I could get at that point.

My wife now just can't believe the things she did & thought. She would readily agree she was in a fog and was looking at the world through rose coloured glasses. She also knew that I could make life very difficult for her with the children - which I would have done - no access while OM was present for example.

My wife I think thought we had no hope when she returned and was also considering suicide. She griever the loss of the relationship.

WW knew she had no option but to come home 4 days after D-Day.

I think WW thought when she came home that she had lost the love of her life.

Thank you for your input BigK.

I am a FWS who came back home, but reconciliation does not appear to have worked.

Cliff notes history of my A: I had been depressed, on AD's and in counseling for a year or so. 9/11 happened, I freaked out wondering if this is really how I wanted to spend my life. I started reaching out to people from my past. I called my first loves sister to see how he had turned out. He called back, phone EA started. I told H I wanted out of M. OM moved here a few months later and we lived together for two years.

One of the main probelms with my relationship with OM was the fact that it started with adultery. I do believe, for me, that you can't start something great from a pile of crap. My loyalty was to my H, I still loved my H, he just didn't live me. So OM was second pick and he knew it. That was one of our main issues.

There was no one incident that triggered anything. There was one day that I did touch my H's hand during a kid swap (H had hurt his wrist and I was helping him). OM said he saw then, that I still deeply loved my H and that caused some tension. OM and I just started loosening up our tie, he started spending more time back in his home state for work, H and I spent more time together with the kids.

H and I always got along well during the separation, even though we were both involved in other relationships. Our amicable relationship caused issues in both of our adulterous ones. H ended up breaking up with his GF of a year, OM was gone more than he was here. I asked H to meet me for dinner, I asked about reconciliation and we ended up at a motel that night - hindsight says that was a mistake.
OM called a few weeks later and I told him that H and I were reconciling and he came to retrieve his stuff and wished us well.

I don't think I am answering your questions. I would be happy to, I just don't remember what they were - sorry.

I do think I was very foggy. I also know that I was very depressed and very alone. I had become a SAHM with three kids in the house under 3 years old. I did seek counsel with therapists and preachers and every family memeber I knew before and during my EA, trying to stop the destructive behavior. When I told H I wanted to leave, he made it very easy and I took that to mean he didn't care enough about me to work on the marriage or ask me to stay.

If I can answer questions for you, I will. I might still be justifying and foggy, but I do get the WS mindset. I do believe that these principles would have worked in my former sitch and I think they are working to heal me in my current role as a BS.

I was a WS 7 yrs ago and I ended up Ding my first wife. I do remember all the way up to the last day of the D, I was so confused and my current wife who I had the A with was really putting alot of preasure on me to get D. I always and still to this day have regrets even though I love my Current WW who has filed. I have learned so much since then and that is why I have been fighting for this M. One thing my first W did not do is bust up the A. When she did try in the beginning there was alot of confusion and when my current WW put the preasure on me we began to LB. My first W so to speak went into a plan B without a plan A and that made it alot easier, however I still was so uncertain of the D we did not have a child like I do now which I think makes a big diffrence. I remeber knocking my first W to everyone to justify my actions and I know she was no where near as bad as I made her to be.

I truly beleive if she would of plan A me and faught for me I would of returned. I have not talk to her since the last day of our D. I recently was contacted by her through my aunt she needed me to sign a paper. I have talk to her and apologized to her I asked her for forgivness and she has moved on remarried 2 kids. My loss. Karma what a word. I am getting my dose of what I have given.

I would really do a great plan A ( however I seem to fall short myself ) a slow learner so to speak. I will fight all the way to the end. Follow the advice on this board. I know it is tuff and alot of times we just don't follow good advice.

One thing I have found is people around you who are family and friends will always want you to cut your losses and move on it is so much easier said than done especially looking in from the outside. What im saying is if your heart tells you to fight then fight if the outsiders are telling you to move on don't listen to them.

As a WS I listen to the outsiders and I lost myself. It works both ways. I have lived with this pain and regret ever since and I still have it.

Jean,

I actually remember reading some of your posts and you actually did answer my questions. You have been very informative and I appreciate your input. Thank you for helping me. I'm sorry you are in the sitch that you are in. Has your H ever come to this site and read some of the materials?

FamilyGone,

It's unfortunate you are now where you are. I have had my share of mistakes to learn from also. All I can say is to continue to learn and not to give up.

I have a really good question for you that might help me. I think you might be able to answer it. I've often debated the plan B thing on whether it is the best avenue of approach. The whole going 'dark' thing. You said that the fact your XW went into a PLan B it made it easier for you. Then would you consider this a mistake? I often wondered by going into a Plan B and not communicating with the WS would actually make it easier for them. We are also supposed to show the WS that we are making changes and correcting things about us. We are also supposed to show them that we are improving ourselves. How can this be done in a Plan B since they are not supposed to even know what we are up to? Wouldn't the fact that we are breaking off all communication with the WS also help them to break off any emotions to us. Does this make sense? As time goes by wouldn't the little attachment they still have to us slowly disappear?

Anyone else please feel free to chime in.

I too have thought about this. My therapist has recommended a separation and cool down time with no contact between us. This is scary for me - doesn't this play right into their fantasy, give them the opportunity to be free of the emotional entanglement and pursue their "need to be alone".

Regardless - I am in no contact with my WH - not forever, but for today, and maybe tomorrow and let's take it one day at a time. We do have kids so I can't just close him out. But I NEED the time to get my emotions under control. And just seeing him, talking to him sends me to a place I hate.