As some of you know I have distance myself from J about a month ago...we still talk occassionally online only but just about general stuff.

On Dec 8th I met another man on a dating site who lives 6 hours from me. T is 44, lives about 45 minutes from NYC and is a paid firefighter for 18 years and makes good money. He's been divorced for almost 3 years. He's still in very close contact with his step daughter who is 13. He has no children of his own.

Not only do we send little "good morning", "have a nice day" and other short emails every day but he also calls me every evening and we talk at minimum of an hour...but usually 2-3 hours.

He has mailed me one of his Fire Department t-shirts, Pictures of him, Printed out information about his town, and most recently (today) I recieved a pair of "Ugg" boots for Christmas (Price tag on the box was $150). I had told him one night how my mother ripped me a new one for never wearing boots and I told him how I told her that I just didn't have the money to buy new ones...that maybe after the holidays I would. He then gave me the website to these Ugg boots. I had never heard of them. I fell instantly in love with them until I seen the price of them and told him I'm used to shopping at Walmart not the expensive places. He said to pick out a pair and he would get them...thinking he was kidding I showed him the pair I liked..he checked for store locations in my area that sold them and low and behold there is a store in my town. He hinted that when he was here he would get them for me...I blew him off thinking he was blowing smoke out his you know what and didn't think twice about it. He then told me the other day he sent another package but I never dreamed it was these boots that we had talked about. I feel guilty when I think about how many bills I could pay with that $150 that he spent on me. I'm not one to spend money on myself let alone THAT much money. My kids always come first and foremost. In fact my kids tell me all the time I need to buy new stuff for myself and I just can't justify it.

So anyways, He's driving 6 hours to see me the first weekend of January. While he's here he wants to add me to his cell phone plan so it's free for us to talk. He had offered to give me money to catch up on bills but I politely refused...as I don't a. want to feel obligated to him and most importantly b. I don't want him to think I want him only for his money.

I feel so comfortable with him...I can tell him anything and everything. He tells me how beautiful I am. How he loves my smile. He went out and bought a cam so I can see him when we talk, I already have one and he could see me but said it wasn't fair that I couldn't see him.

I'm so afraid to believe he's real. I keep waiting for a bomb to drop. I keep playing in my head the old adage of "if it seems too good to be true it probably is".

How do I let my guard down and just enjoy this different kind of man. I've never had a man want to spoil me and dote on me like this. Am I crazy?? Should I just continue to roll with it and see what happens?? Should I stay on guard waiting for the bomb..if there is one?? I'm like a fish out of water...I don't know how to act.

I hope all of this makes sense...I'm tired (still not adjusted to working full time) and I just got off the phone with him and thought maybe I should seek some words of advice on him.

Am I crazy for having deep feelings for him?? So soon?? Especially seeing how he's 6 hours away?? He says he doesn't mind driving every month or so to see me. I don't mind the long distance relationship thing as long as it's with someone I can trust fully.

I have had too many good things happen to me in the last 2 weeks that I feel like maybe I'm pushing the envelope with having a good man fall into my lap too.

Help me!! LOL

HUGS! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Leaving the price tag on the box is really CLASSY.

This one is a keeper. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />



And no red flags are raised? No bells go off when you hear this? Have you asked yourself just WHY someone who has never MET you would be willing to do such a thing?



THIS ONE IS MY FAVORITE!!!!!

For cripes sake! He's a FIREFIGHTER, not Bill Gates!



Soooo, you DID tell him about the serious relationship you were in just a few weeks ago, right?



Not crazy, just naive.



YES--definitely. You're NUTS, especially since you were pretty much in love with another guy three weeks ago.

Oh aeri, you're no fun at all. I think she should at least meet with him the first week of January, and also wear the UGG boots proudly.

Well Alluring, I have to admit some major warning signs went off for me too......

All this "stuff" he's doing is something you do for someone you've been involved w/ for sometime. Seems WAY too premature and I dunno, I'm just getting a very bad vibe here.

I say tread VERY carefully.........

hee hee, this cracked me up <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'm going to join the wet blanket crowd, sorry. Yacking for three hours a night for two weeks with someone you have not even met yet does not sound healthy. Spending lots of money on someone he hasn't even met yet does not sound healthy. Having feelings for someone you have not even met yet and giving those feelings any credibility does not sound healthy.

What scares me the most is that you may be in a situation where neither of you is healthy - you are still tangled up with J, and he, well, something does not sound right there.

I'd tread with extreme caution - and be sure to meet him in a very public place the first time.

AGG

You've never met this guy face to face and him spending $150 on someone he's never met doesn't raise any flags?

AGEyes, I'd be very cautious...

It looks he 'invests'... and I'd be afraid what 'return on investment' he expects...

Quote

Oh aeri, you're no fun at all.

...awww....come on! I'm lots of fun!

Seriously though--I married a man I met online so obviously it's not the "online" part I have the problem with. It's the MOVING AT LIGHT SPEED that scares me! It just doesn't follow any logical progression. The first question *I* always ask is: "why is this happening"...in this case, it seems very irregular...

...I'm going back to being a poopypants, now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Alluring:

If Faith, Karona, LL or one of the other gals on here wrote this same description on here; and asked for your advice on this sitch - what would it be?

FR

Hi Allurin -- Brave of you to post with this bunch, hmm? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Random thoughts: I vote keep the boots. What a lovely gift. Overboard, but wow, and something you wanted/needed. Now scale down topics that might be considered something he can fix with money. Perhaps just the Christmas season, but with Valentine's Day rolling around soon, I think you need to make sure this is serious-worthy before he gives more and has an implied "you're mine" attached to it.

I vote no to getting on his cell plan. He'll monitor your calls. Might be nice, might be a sign of possible control/jealousy issues.


Go ahead and enjoy him, but keep the guard up. You're still learning about him and haven't even met him IRT.

So now that you've seen him on the cam, was he honest about his looks? Do they appeal to you? What's his story...ever married...kids? If divorced...why?

Hehe, yeah, we are quite the peanut gallery here Laura <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />.

OK, here is another one of my pet peeves (realizing that others have done it successfully) - Alluring, this guy is 6 hours away from you! That is long distance no matter how you slice it. And that means that you will likely end up doing one of two things - seing him in very intense doses (e.g. for an entire weekend at a time), or not enough to feel connected enough. I don't like either of these, and the latter may push the unsuspecting into a serious relationship or marriage prematurely (after all, if it's great by long distance, then it'll be even better if you lived together, right? Wrong <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />).

Anyway, if you want another red flag, there you have it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

I'd still be very very cautious. As others said, this guy seems intent of winning you, but in a possessive, rather than respectful way. IMO.

AGG

One of my concerns with the distance is that you really don't know what his situation might be. Is he married & looking for someone to "keep" far enough away so his wife won't find out? Is he looking for control as lucks pointed out?

The control issue you can deal with by not allowing too much to happen too soon. The phone plan for one. The other issue, is he married, is a matter of public record. Not that I know how to find that out, but it can be done.

I don't know that you need to throw on the emergency brakes at the moment but there are certainly good reasons to be cautious & to take a real close look at who he is & what he wants.

It's hard to enjoy but also keep on guard but it may be the only way to proceed at this point.

... And look at us... isn't it so sad not to believe that these kinds of people, giving and caring without expectations to be 'compensated' accordingly, really exist?...

That can be proven over time. If he is how he represents himself, he will continue to be so. Right?

Right, of course.
But it still remains what I said... sad that we believe only when/if proven over time... gulty until proven to be innocent, kind of...

Your feelings are "infatuation" and there is really nothing wrong with that. Feels great in fact!
Its not like you're suddenly jumping into anything -- you're simply enjoying the time and attention.

While the boots might seem extravegant to some people, if he is a single guy with few obligations -- $150 might not be a big deal to him (not to mention he may have paid less or gotten them on sale...)

The cell phone -- yeah some people may have some points about the whole "control" aspect. I see it as a money saver. Most cell phone plans have an option for free in-network calls. So if you are talking for hours every day -- I can see why it makes sense to add you to his plan. It probably costs a few bucks to add a phone, instead of lots of bucks in extra charges or long distance.

Just be cautious.

There are lots of downsides to long distance relationships.
However, not in the very distant past there was a time in my life that a long distance relationship, and the lack of pressure of wanting lots of my time worked GREAT for me! With your new job and kid-stuff maybe this is that time for you!

Plus anything that gets your attention off of J is a good thing in my book!

I say "ENJOY"!!!!!

Wow! you've gotten a whole range of fantastic feedback here. It's all great.

The hard part, as you say, about LDR's is building trust. Without blowing the whole thing, there will be a time when or 2 when you will have to ask some tough questions, or question things in order to ease your doubts, or to test to find out if he's truthful and trustworthy. If he passes those tests, and without getting angry with you, then you can build trust.

But I agree with enjoying it for now, with caution. There could be a bomb ahead. The cell plan could just be a way for ya'll to save money, because communicating in LDR can be very expensive.

I think it's sad that so many people are NOT how they represent themselves, and how many trusting people get hurt when that happens. Is it wise to simply trust without experiencing the consistency of a good relationship over time?

My Ex-H said "I will go to church with you." He never did. Should I have trusted that he would? I did. All right, perhaps the genuine intent was present with the words and it was a follow-through problem. Well he finally set me straight on that one too. He had no intention of ever going to church with me, but saying he would changed the topic. In this one example alone, was this man worthy of my trust? I gave it. I was in keeping with what you're talking about. Pretty sad, I think. Lesson learned. Now, I can trust that a man might be or do what he says. The jury remains out to lunch while he's proving it. Do I explain it to someone that way? No, and it wouldn't even necessarily feel that callous at all. It would still be hope and interest, while letting trust and caring develop over time.

Laura, it's good to see your wisdom on this board <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

I agree - the sad thing is not that we, the "good people", are not trusting, but that there are people out there who will tell us anything to get us to fall for them.

I didn't used to be that mistrusting. I used to trust implicitly, until my trust was broken. But, ever since I dated one woman who told me that she knew that "some day we will be taking our kids on trips together", only to "remember" a month later that she had a boyfriend, I am cautious and not trusting. Now, my trust must be earned.

I don't think it's sad, I think it's good that am no longer naive. It's nice to believe in Cinderella stories, but we should not let our hopes for our partner override the reality of who they really are. If and when they prove themselves to be truthful and for real, then we can let down our guard and enjoy them. I call it being emotionally vulnerable, but only to someone who has shown that they won't trample all over our open hearts.

AGG

Agree.
That's why I said it's sad <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
To be hurt and not to believe (before proven!!) that there are 'too good to be true' people...
Also, it's sad to say that THAT belief is naive...

To clarify, I think and do the same as you say (I'm even TOO caution!).
And that's being smart, but still it is... sad... that we a priori cannot trust a human being.


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />