How do you know when the time is right to set boundaries of what is acceptable to you ? for example MC or filling out & discussing the EN questionnaire ?

How do you set them without LB & pushing them away?

We are following the rule of protection even though she doesn't know what that is. we will have to do this for a while befor we can make any more progress. please let me know when the time is right to set conditions etc.


Cliff

Conditions and boundaries are not the same things. Boundaries are about you. Are you talking about conditions for reconciliation? Are you sure you know the difference between boundaries and ultimata?

Yes, I was asking about both in general. boundaries that need to be set, I know there are different for everyone. When & how are the best way to go about making them clear?

As far as conditions of ultimatums, my WS & I have a long history of sweeping our problems under the rug & not solving them. This is a big part of the reason why we are in this position now. She wants to act like it never happened & pretend everything is alright. how do I make it clear for things to work out we have to communicate better.

" she has no feelings for me but wants to try to see if the come back " but wont do anymore or cant handle anymore than following the rule of protection. I think that's a great start but I feel if I let her go on as always we wont move past this point & the marriage will be doomed. So I feel that down the road I may have to set conditions for reconciliation. She has no one to answer to about the A because her family doesnt know & would not approve & I have been so understanding so there are no real consequences for her.

I realise that a lot of what she says is fog/babble & she is still trying to come to terms with what happened she had allowed herself to believe that I didnt care for her anymore which justified her reasoning for having the affair. When all this came to a head she was thrown for A loop because the OM she thought she was going to have a life with abandoned her & decided to try to work things out with his wife so she felt used & then she found out how much I really cared which made things harder on her. sorry for running on if I left something out or created more confusion. let me know.

Cliff

Im still lookin for some help with this.

Bumping this up for the after holiday group

Sorry, it doesn't work that way.

You can only do YOUR part...you can't set up rule, boundaries, or guidelines for your W. She has to do HER part.

You can POJA...and that will be a start.

Your own boundaries, should be defined as what you are, or are not willing to do to make your marriage work.

betrayed I stand corrected I meant my own boundaries of what Im willing to do or not do. I have a coflict with setting these though, one of the things Im not willing to accept is not getting help from a MC so we can learn to deal with our problems. According to my IC & most of the people on MB I should not give ultimatims or set conditions. so how do approach the issue about going to an MC.

Cliff