Hello, I know that I probably won't be receiving a warm welcome but I don't know where else to turn. I am a WS who's been involved in an on again- off again PA/EA for 4 years. It has been 4 years of ****** because of the emotional rollercoaster that it's put me through. I don't even know where to start. I am 30, been married for 9 years to a great husband. So, why then am I involved in a PA? Honestly, I don't know. Is it a character flaw? I don't know. That seems to be the only answer I can come up with for anything: I don't know. I had a close relationship with my father. I did have an episode of "molestation" (if you'd call it that) when I was about 9. I love my husband and I'm happy with my marriage but for some reason I sought "love" and "excitement" elsewhere. I have tried counseling and I just get all the same excuses such as I married too young, I never had a chance to sow my wild oats, etc. I don't want validation for my PA, I want help on how to get out once and for all and stay out. So, I pretty much gave up on the IC route- since live in a very small town and I've been to the therapists in my area and they all seem to want to tell me that it's my husbands fault that I'm involved in an affair, etc. My problem is that I'm a SAHM and I have a really hard time ending contact with the OM. It seems like it's mainly out of boredom with my life. I have tried to end it so many times that I've lost count but each time the OM lures me back in and I end up hating myself even more.

I know that it is recommended to tell your BS and I am not opposed to doing that- eventually. I'm just not ready to do it yet. Please, don't not help me because of that. I truly am a repentent WS and I truly want to find help to get out of this sickness and turn my life around once and for all. I need help and I don't know where else to turn.

Thank you, sincerely.

Are you raising any children conceived by OM?

No, my children are all my husband's.

Boredom is tough - that is really where my prblems began years ago. It is the thrill, the excitement that drew me away from my husband. It helped me to try and find those things that could create excitement with my husband. I sent cards to his office, suggestive emails, text messages etc. We planned regular date nights - and for awhile it really worked. He sent me flowers, cards, wrote some poetry for me.

Still am not sure what happenend. Hopefully I will.

You need to break contact - I KNOW it's hard!! Develop a strategy for dealing with those times you are tempted. If your contact with OM is by email - block his address, if it's by cell phone - get a new number, if it's the home phone get caller ID and DON'T answer it. DO not call him or meet him to say good bye.

AS for telling your husband - I don't know what to advise - I told mine and it changed everything. But everyones case is different and there are people here who are far more knowledgable than I.

I am proud of you for wanting to stop - now JUST DO IT!!!

I wish my husband would have told me instead of me finding out. I didn't suspect anything. Does your husband?

You need someone to hold you accoutable to no contact. Write a letter to him and break it off. Do a search on here for no contact letters.

I was a SAHM for 16 years. Find somethng to do. Get a part-time job, volunteer, something.

I know like any addiction it must be hard to stop. I hope the best for your marriage.

Wow. You're bored being at home. Used to be a sahm. And I was NOT bored! I volunteered for a charity that was near and dear to my heart. Was officer after working up in ranks!

I suggest doing that...

Or going back 2 school.

I do not buy the "bad childhood" card. My mom was incredibly mean to me growing up...and did I hurt anybody? Cheat? Steal? Nah.

BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR YOUR OWN LIFE!

And maybe take up some hobbie that would allow you to use that adrenaline rush for a good thing? Roller blading? Diving? Something that can give you that rush in a positive way rather than boinking some other man and destroying your family.

Change your ways!

Consider my posting to you like one of the messages given to Scrooge on Christmas eve ...I can be whichever ghost you choose!

And I can say prophetically that your marriage will be over and ending if YOU DO NOT CHANGE COURSE...YOU HAVE THE POWER! IT IS YOUR CHOICE TO LOVE OR TO CHEAT.

Jan-Thank you so much for your words of encouragment and for sharing your story with me. My husband and I went through a "dry spell" for awhile a few years back and I started reading a lot and we started doing date nights and all that good stuff (this was before kids). That lasted for about 6 months and then just kind of died off. My husband has never been the romantic type- not that that's any excuse on my part. It's just that getting that from the OM certainly did wonders for my ego. I have talked to my H about wanting to be romantic with each other and it last for a few weeks but then just goes away again. I am always the one to initiate things ( like dates, etc) and it just seems as though he's not interested in putting forth the effort. Again, I'm not blaming him at all because what he lacks in romance, he makes up for in his unconditional love for me and the kids. I have researched so many sites looking for some sort of a "diagnosis" for myself. Trying to find out what the heck's wrong with me. Is it possible for someone to be addicted to love/romance and the whole drama of the affair? I know that I need to break contact with the OM. The problem that I've been having is how do I get to that point where I can push delete on my email account and never look back? I never knew that I was so weak. I'm scared to give up what I have with OM, as ridiculous as that sounds, because what exactly is it that I'd be giving up besides stress, sin, sickness, etc. I'm just scared to go back to the mundaneness of my life and not have the OM as an escape, of sorts.

I want to tell my H, I know that it'd help me to ensure no contact with the OM. The problem is that I just don't feel ready to tell him yet. Believe it or not, I have been a lurker on this board for a long time and it's not until now that I've decided to post. So, I know I'm making progress and moving in the right direction. I'm just trying to take this one step at a time and I just want you to know that I greatly appreciate your help and advice.

Moveforward- As I said, I really do want to tell my H. I love him and I hate hurting him the way that I have these past 4 years. I have guilt every time that I look at him and I know that in order for our marriage to move forward I must tell him. I am just not ready yet. No, my H doesn't suspect anything- he is very trusting. Sometimes I feel that's part of the problem- he's too trusting. I have totally taken advantage of that and I feel very very bad.

I work occassional weekends, so that helps me to get away. My kids are all pretty young- under 4 years of age. We live in a very small town (less than 500 people) and it makes it very difficult to do anything besides stay at home. There are no "mommy and me" type things in this area, unfortunately.

Thank you for your support and words of advice. It's very difficult to expose myself as a WS to so many wonderful BS's who have been hurt by the very thing that I've done to my BS. It says ALOT about your character that you've been hurt beyond belief and yet you can still find it in your heart to reach out to someone who's doing the same thing as your WS did to you. Thank you.

Just Peachy- It's not that I'm "bored" in the physical sense. I'm bored in the emotional sense. I have 3 children that are very young, still in diapers. One that's 2 years old and 1 year old twins. So, I'm very busy that way but I just feel emotionally dead. It's very difficult to do anything during the day with such young kids- especially in the winter time. As I said, I live in a very small town and there's not much happening here and no big towns within 1 1/2 hours of here.

I appreciate your words and I do want to take accountability for myself. I'm not trying to put blame on anyone- I know that these were my actions and no one pushed me to do them. The biggest thing for me now is just finding out why. What is it about me that caused such a destructive path to be taken? I thought I had better morals than that and I've greatly disappointed myself to find that I failed that test. I was raised in a very religious family, very close family. I know right from wrong and yet it didn't seem like a hard choice for me to choose wrong. That scares me and I want to know why.

Again, thanks for your time and your words. I hope you have a merry Christmas.

If this affair has been going on for 4 years and your children are under 4 years of age, then how do you know that these children are your husband's children?

Because of the timing of the conception and the OM and I were "off again" during the times that my H and I conceived our children. The OM and I always used protection- always. It has been one of the huge points of contention between OM and I that I had kids with my H. He was always very angry about that.

Whats the OM's end game here if you told him you love your husband, won't leave him, it not his fault you are cheating and you have recent/young children with your husband? Given all this what does he want you to do run off with him or is it just a booty call??

goomba,
Can you describe your feelings for the OM? Do you have an emotional attachment-or is this relationship purely sexual? If your husband found out today, would you have any trouble deciding to stay w/ your husband, or would you leave the OM immediately and never look back?

Goomba,
It took a lot of guts to post here and admit that you are a WS. You have made a mistake and you recognize it as such. That is a good starting point. None of us are perfect. However, one thing I want you to realize is that no one else can make you feel good but you. There is something lacking inside of YOU that keeps you seeking for something to fill it. You will never find it because you are looking in the wrong place. Look inside you. You are no longer a kid and life isn't here to be exciting and stimulating and all about me every day. Yes, some days are boring and dull. Some days everyone takes us for granted. That is life. I might suggest giving to others and trying to help others. That is rewarding.

Goomba, Here is a warning. Your husband WILL find out some day about your affair, whether you tell him or not. How will you feel if your husband doesn't want to forgive you? How will you feel if you don't see your children every holiday or every week? How are you going to face your children when they look at you as the person that broke up their family and forever changed the course of their little lives? You are playing with fire.

Is the other man married? What are his intentions with you?

InLikeFlynn- The OM wants to get married and have a family together. He divorced his wife (was in the process of D when he and I started) and his son is a junior in HS. He tells me that he loves me, that he needs me, that he doesn't know how to live without me. It's emotional for him, as well as physical. I have lied to him and told him that I want to be with him too- mainly to keep the affair going and so a part of it is that I feel guilty for leaving him after telling him I wanted to be with him. He knows that I love my H and that I am torn about what to do. The truth is, I'm not torn. I know that I want to be with my H but I'm scared to let go of OM. The OM is quite a bit older than I am and I know that it would never work out between he and I. However, in spite of that, I still have a hard time letting go and saying goodbye.

Starting again, when all this started out with the OM I kept telling myself that I wouldn't let it get too far, I'd just let him chase after me for awhile to feed my ego and that I'd end it before it got out of hand. Well, obviously, I fell for him harder than I imagined and now I don't know for sure what my feelings are. Do I love him? Yes, I think I do. I think alot of it has to do with all the memories and history that he and I have shared over the past 4 years. I also think alot of it is just the fact that he provides an escape for me and I'm scared to let that go. I have feelings for the OM- I don't want to hurt him. I worry about how he'll do when I end this permanently.

If my H were to find out, I'd stay with my H. The problem is that I don't think my H would get angry at me or leave. I don't know how to say this in a way that doesn't sound completely cruel but it's almost like my H is too much of a "sure thing". The only way that I can describe it is that I read the book Torn Asunder and in one of the chapters it talks about how when a BS doesn't show anger at the WS, it makes it easier for the WS to continue on a path of bad decisions and destructive behavior. My BS doesn't show his feelings very well. I mean, I know he'd be hurt beyond belief but he wouldn't get angry at me. I wouldn't see the hurt side of him and I need to see that side of him in order to realize the full depth of what I've done. Does this make sense at all or does this make it sound like I'm just some cold hearted b*tch? I'm not trying to come off that way, I'm trying to say that I wish my H would fight for me and show me that I'm worth the fight.

Shattered, your post made me cry because I know all that you've written is true. I know that I'm empty inside. I know that there is something lacking. It is so hard for me to feel emotion anymore, I feel as though I've become numb. How do I find whatever it is that's missing? I know that I need to become close to my faith again but how do I find whatever it is that is missing? Does anyone ever really find what is missing inside of them or am I the only one who feels like they have this gigantic hole inside their being? I know that I'm looking in all the wrong places for the missing piece. I've been looking for others to fill this gap and I know that I need to be the one to fill it. I just don't know how to go about doing this. I feel so lost and so empty and so far away from who I really am.

I know that love is a "verb" and I've been trying really hard to love my H without expecting anything in return. That has helped but it's difficult to do with the OM overshadowing it. This is why I know that this A needs to end, once and for all. It's destroying me, it's destroying my family and I don't want to be lost anymore.

Thank you for you kind words.

Reality check: Romance is not a daily thing. You have toddlers, maybe a house, your husband has a job, etc. etc. Romance every now and then is good! Daily is impossible.

You are the one who wants these things, that's why you're the one to initiate them. He is a guy. If you want dates and romance, you will have to be the initiator.

Reality check: Romance you can get from a cheap paperback. The unconditional love of a spouse is a rarity.
I think you have things backwards. You are taking him for granted.


You are a big girl with big girl shoes, a big girl purse, and car keys. Grow a spine, hit delete, and say goodbye to your "OM" who will destroy your life as you know it. You know what you want and you know how to do it. Stop the whining and just do it!


Once again, put on your big girl panties and deal with it. You are quite capable of doing this all by yourself. No one needs to rescue you.

I am still in awe when you wrote that you are a sahm...bored..and have three kids very young...and all made during a four year affair.

And I will post to you like I posted to another WS here.

don't be so sure of your "sure thing" that you lose them! I know! Was my xh's "sure thing"...and now I am the one who is dating...and moving on with life...while he's stuck in a loveless affair marriage...much like what you are describing with your OM.

many times the "sure thing" may just be a peaceable person. Happy and contented. that is how I was. We had a good marriage. Really good one.

But he got bored. He is an adrenaline junkie...and works in industry that is volatile and much risk. He loves the feeling of risk. Said it makes him feel "alive"...and he didn't feel that in our comfortable and loving home! Nah...all he could "feel" was adrenaline. The REAL LOVE OF HIS WIFE AND FAMILY he could not experience. Learn why you do this...and stop doing it!

I pray you and your family find healing. Remember, your H could choose to NOT want you. It goes both ways.

After my xh did too many things...I felt my heart harden. I did. It was unfortunate b/c his affair marriage will soon end...and all my family and friends warn me he is going to try to come back. But how do you say enough? That is me now.

Shattered, I know that romance is not a daily thing, esp. with young kids. The romance was lacking long before we had kids, but we just ignored it. I know that it's up to me to make it happen, it's just that it'd be nice to see someone make an effort for me. Enough of my pity party, I know it's my problem and I know that it's not an excuse. I have far deeper issues at hand than just the romance thing.

I am a big girl, you're right. It comes down to me pushing delete and ending it. I'm just not sure I'm ready to do it yet. I mean, I know that I am ready, that I want this done with once and for all- I'm just scared and I'm not sure where to find this strength to do it. I need to grow up and just friggen do it- easier said than done though, otherwise I wouldn't be in this still, 4 years later.

JP- you may very well be right and that what I'm reading as a sure thing may just be happiness and contentment. I don't want to lose my husband, that's why I am here. I want to turn things around and I want a happy marriage with my H. I know that we're capable of this, but I know that I need to figure out alot of things with myself in order to get to that place. That's what I'm trying to do. I just don't know where to start.

Who watches your children when you go out to have sex with OM?