Quitting is the just the beginning, rebuikding trust, love and respect is a never ending task. Afraid it's one that has not been easy for me.

Jan, as I just said to Believer and the others on Idiotville it can be done.

We're 2 years past this. Our Christmas (weird because I'm in a different country and Christmas day is today) was a lovely family christmas, even though my DD wasn't here, but she was here by cellphone.

It really can be done. You can have what you had before. We do.

Jen

Starting, Kiwi, Jancancrop- Thank you for your replies. I know that I have a long, hard road to travel and I am a bit scared about that journey. I have to strengthen my faith in God and believe in him and that He will help me when I am feeling weak. Kiwi, were you always sure that you were going to tell your H or was it only after feeling the guilt that you decided you needed to tell him? How long was your affair and how long did it take for the inital withdrawal symptoms to wear off to a manageable degree?

Goomba (what a name by the way), I'm sure you're not really a goomba, you just feel like one right now.

I was going to tell my H, not from guilt, but from the horrible feeling that he was not party to something that affected his life in such a huge way, even though he didn't know about it. I just couldn't bear the fact that he couldn't make any real, truthful decisions about his own life because he didn't even know what his own life was made up of. Does that make sense? He found out by finding relationship books I 'd hidden in my dresser drawer. The titles gave it all away and he asked me that night.

I confessed immediately.

My A was 18 months long and was with my old HS b/f (who was also married).

The time from "can I really get through another day" to "gosh, it's been weeks since I thought about him" was about 9 months to a year. My H was very aware of the withdrawal and, even though it was like a knife through him knowing that I was still thinking about the OM, he supported me through it all.

Jen

HI Goomba,

I thought I'd better post to you considering my name... (PLEASE HELP) and .... I'm Italian... LOL...

You're holding up pretty well under the obvious anger and mean questions you're getting...i.e.... Who's watching your kids while you.... unnecessary....sorry...
A lot of BS are really bitter and angry... please forgive them... there are a lot of kind people here that will help you so hang in there...

Please end your affair as soon as you can....it will hurt so many people in the long run... MOSTLY YOU....

About telling your H that I guess is your decision... I think I would make an effort to connect with him at a Marriage weekend and tell him there... he will be devastated...and scared because you are the person he probably trusted the most.. He will feel scared because if he can't trust you.... (not beating you up just FYI)
It may be safer telling him with professionals around...to soften the blow....

My advice is to read as much as you can and learn about what needs OM is filling in you that BH isn't...

Then try and teach him to fulfill your needs in this area...

God Bless you for coming here.... I will be praying for you, your BH and your Children..... GOOD LUCK & PRAYERS FRANK

oops

I am just curious but how would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you are doing to him? He trusts and respects you totally and you used that to continue to engage in a 4 year sexual affair? When you humiliate and betray your spouse in the worst possible way; you are ultimately humiliating and betraying yourself. What kind of spouses would you want your children to marry when they grow up? If you are truly serious about turning your life around you will tell your husband immediately which will end all contact. By refusing to do this you are really saying you do not wish the affair to stop.

Four years is a long time to be betraying your husband because he is too kind and trusting. How can you possibly celebrate your anniversaries with your husband with out feeling disgusted. You are playing your husband like a puppet and your are pulling all the strings. It is time to grow up now and be honest with your husband and allow him to make choices about his life and his future. It is not all about you. You have the power within you to change your life and your marriage. The question is do you really want this or is it just words? What you are doing to your husband is like a cancer that is eating away at you and your marriage. By not being honest with your husband and continuing the affair it shows your continued humiliation and disrespect toward your husband. You cannot be the person you wish to be by continuing to hurt the man that loves and respects you and is the father of your four children. Your actions define who you are so it is time now to change your actions and respect yourself and your husband. Only the truth shall set your free. I wish you luck.