Not that I’m surprised, but I never thought I’d see this happen as it has. When my STBXWW was about 5 yrs. old, her mom (MIL) was abandoned by FIL when he ran off with OW. OW subsequently abandoned FIL and ran off with another OM, but that’s another story. MIL divorced FIL but has since remarried and became a devout Christian. Fast forward to about 2 years ago.

When I finally exposed the affair to them they were appalled, angry, shocked and became a huge source of support. They convinced me to attend their church which I have been doing with my children since. After their initial revulsion with their daughter they have drifted back and maintained a relationship with her. I knew that would happen with the ole blood vs. water thingy.

Today, on the holiest of Christian holidays I get my children at 2:00 PM. My son tells me OM arrived there. Well guess who was also having a nice little “family” time with him and my STBX. Yup….MIL and her hubby. Apparently they see nothing wrong with the two still married home wreckers celebrating the birth of Jesus together in front of my children. The came to my place after and were incredulous that I was upset. Couldn’t see that they were passively condoning this relationship in front of my children. I was so upset with them that I cut their visit short.

I know I must maintain a relationship between them and my children; they are their grandparents after all. But this feels like such an additional betrayal. It has been over two years since the start of this mess and I still felt like I was gut shot. My reaction even surprised me. I cannot accept their support anymore. My world just got a little lonelier.

I know what you mean. My Inlaws are extremely religious but feel they can't have any influence over their son nor have they spoken to their priest. If you can't go to your spiritual adviser for strength, advice and consolation in a situation like this, when can you? I call it enabling but that's just me.

Sorry, Binder but I think that we just have to move on. We've stayed morally clean. You have fought a good fight. You are in the midst of getting divorced. I'm thinking that maybe we need to compartmentalize our relationships with our children's grandparents. I think that we have to enjoy the time that we and our kids have with our Inlaws. We have to accept the blood relationship that the Inlaws have with their children. That relationship will come with whatever companions these wayward adults bring into their parents house. I just don't want to be around it.

I don't like the situation but my life is better with my inlaws in it. Your's probably is too. For my children's sake, I want them in my life. I only choose not to be with them when WH is with them. Bottomline is that I can always have a relationship with my children's grandparents. As my children get old enough to interact with them more and as I develop more and different support systems, I'll probably see them less. After this many years, I hope we can still be friends.

I've been wrestling with this issue for months. This is some hard won wisdom from this holy season.

Your response, Grapegirl, shows some maturity on your part. I don’t feel particularly mature right now though. I feel like packing up me and the kids and finding a new place in the next Province and starting over. ~sigh~

This does irrevocably change our relationship. I will maintain it, but it will be different. I see them as a threat to the psychological well-being of my children. You’re either part of the solution or part of the problem. I will need a little time to see where this sits with me. I also said to them “If you think I’m in left field, speak to the pastor or some of your friends at church and see how they see it” They didn’t respond to that.

I’m too wound up to be objective right now. Two years….two years and I’m still wound up. Thanks for your response, I’ve needed this place as of late.

I'm glad I'm here for you, Binder. Perhaps your Inlaws are of the same generation as mine. Why be so religious if you don't actually practice the morality of it. I suggest you sit on this a few days. I had a similar and not very nice exchange with my inlaws almost exactly a week ago. Yesterday, my FIL sort of apologized to me. I don't think they really get it.

As you divorce, your relationship with your inlaws will have to change. You will become outside the "circle of trust". It might be good to explain in plain, simple words that you feel it confuses your children to see their mother in a situation with OM. You can bet that they don't particularly care how you feel but have a lot of vested interest in the kids.

Thank you but I'm not feeling that mature. Perhaps a bit saggy with a few threads of gray but not too mature. Occasionally, I want to stamp my feet and scream. I'd like to know why I'm the one who gets exiled when I didn't cheat and have been the main support for our kids.

It's good you came here to vent.

Binder, GG, ethics are ethics. I'm officially agnostic, but I also know that the moral truth in the universe is every bit as valid and universal as mathematics.

Your in-laws, out of the instinctive desire to preserve their relationship with their daughter, have modified their own ethics to accommodate her. Seems to me most people do this when they get in such a bind - they go to their species-propagating instincts. Your in-laws showed compassion for you until it threatened that relationship. Must be difficult to be in that situation. It's unfortunate, though hardly shocking, that they knuckled under.

It's surprising that they don't get it. But they don't. Your righteous indignation is, after a point, lost on them. I think you should allow them that, and chalk it up mostly to more bad karma for your WW.

GC

So true graycoud.

Hi Binder - I am sorry to hear of this turn, but not surprised. It was due. Maybe past due.

I experienced the same thing, only quicker.

I agree GC nailed it with the malleable ethics syndrone. Ironic, isn't it, that some devoutly religious folks, who rail the loudest against relativism, turn out to be the some of the best at using relativism when it suits them.

I predict your strong ethics will result in bringing you to the same place I am - total separation from the in-laws and their extended family because ethics and adultery don't mix. Oil and water. I didn't want this nor chose it, rather, just like the affair, it was forced upon me. Who were at one time very close family and my admirers, became abductees of their relativism and rationalizations. Selfishness runs in the family, eh?

Stay the high road. Someday your children will follow you on it.

I know how you feel. I'm very close with my in-laws. This past November they went out to visit my WxH and the OW (now divorced, she was married at the time when she went after my H.) This woman has no morals but claims she is very religious. (Even convince my WxH it was God's will for their affair)

Anyway, my ILs was very against their relationship and deep down they are still. I know they love their son and miss him terribly, its has been almost two years since they saw him.

They realize that to have a relationship with their son they must put aside some of their differences and that means even accepting the OW into their home.

My in-laws have been so supportive to me and honest. I know next month my WXH and the OW is coming to visit, but they decided for them to come to their vaction home instead of their home so I don't have to be witness of them together.

The last two years, I have spent all the holidays with my in-laws, but I know there will be a time when my WXH and the OW will come to visit and I will be the odd person out.

Just like my in-laws had to compromise to maintain a relationship with their son, I know I have to compromise my relationship with them. I know I won't be included in family events, like reunions, wedding, etc. I cherish every holiday I spend with them knowing the next holiday my WxH may be at the next one.

Maybe your in-laws should have told you about them visiting on the holidays instead of finding out the way you did. It was like a slap in the face or even someone tearing out your heart. They should have been honest with you even though it hurts.

Binder,GG, and GC,

While I rarely discuss my STBXWW with my friends and family anymore(their patience with my problem is wearing thin), I still have enormous triggers when people ask about my STBXIL's. I understand the blood thicker analogy but the complete and total silence from the ENTIRE In-Law family has left me almost speechless. When their drug addict son(who subsequently OD'd/commited suicide) left his wife and child for another woman after he impregnated her, they immediately jumped in and have supported( especially financially) both women and grandchildren over the last 10 years. As a matter of fact, I was always vocal to my STBXW about how I admired my FIL's role in his son's two families.

Rationally, I guess I could chalk it up to either shame for what their daughter is doing and/or manipulation by my WW with her family. But even after 21 months THAT pain is still very real to me.

Oh well, I guess that will remain one of those singularities that I will never quite understand but still need to accept. Sort of like the string theory in physics or why anyone would pay to see a pitcher hit in a major league baseball game. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I think most of us will get to/or have gotten to a point in our lives where we allow only those who we know to be steadfast in their ability to maintain their ethics/truth and not buckle in as Gray say, to have a place in our hearts/lives.

Getting to this point protects us and cuts down on the chaos and drama that fickle, weak people cause.

It would be very hard for a parent to maintain their position when given the choice of accepting their child and OP/ or losing their child.

And I am beginning to realize that most people either just don't want to see the big picture or are not able to.

I rec'd a Christmas card from my ex SO's mother addressed to my daughter and me. This woman had a big part in protecting her sons lies to me and even attended a huge party on the island property after he conned it away from me. She wouldn't even talk to me on the phone. Now she wants to send us a Christmas card. My daughter groaned and dropped it like it was on fire when she read it. It's now in the trash where it belongs. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

It's very hard when the knives keep coming at your back Binder, but someday in the future these kinds of people will not have any affect on you.

Teach your children that it doesn't matter what other people do, it only matters what they do, and to be steadfast in their beliefs regardless.

Her and her parents are only half of the equation and will probably have less influence than you think. They have you for a dad after all Binder, and I have a strong feeling that this is what will influence their life.

Hi, Binder. It sucks doens't it? BUt you can only choose how YOU react to this. I was put in a similar sitch. When this mess started MIL was amdamant on how she would NEVER support DOrk's abandonment and adultery.

But at Christmas last year, DD13 overheard MIL tell DOrk she would support anything he decided to do. Enabling *)(&()&. Hmm. ANd now she is paying for Dork's divorce petition. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Yet I STILL tried to maintian contact. I suggested on numeorus occasions that she email DD13 to set up a visit and i would drop her off or she could pick DD13 up. With NC for me. DUH!.

DD13 decided that no way would she see anyone that condoned this [email]cr@p.[/email] She calls MIL Traitor and not REAL family. So there is NO contact. And MIL is only 20 minutes away from us. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

But KARMA is real. And I know what goes around comes around. And I KNOW DD13 and I are doing the right thing. MIL and Dork? Hmmm. Even now they will be getting a small taste of the consequences to their behaviour.

Classic CA behaviour has ensured a truly ugly and very expensive court battle. For them. Dork's refusal to give me the financials when I wanted to file adultery proceedings papers OR to sign the LS TO THIS DATE has made my lawyer so mad that we are now going for TWICE what I had requested. New legislation gives me a HUGE advantage. And I won't be able to stop the ultimate divorce, but their actions have ensured that they wil BOTH be in for a long and very bitter and very expensive court battle.

Sorry to threadjack Binder but I have no idea how to deal with Stupid, CA, selfish, self-entitled people without ANGER!. Dork filed Divorce papers in JUL 05 and waited until the anniversary date of my exposure to serve me. All the while giving me "hints" that he was having second thought. NOW? I am not a happy camper. And ALL of this could have been avoided. Dumba$$. COnsequences. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

GC,

I did expect the drift……but not like this on Christmas day in front of my children. Their actions give tacit approval to this relationship and they fail miserably as role models for my children. They of all people have seen the results of adultery and breaking up families. Are they too myopic to see what effect it may have on my children’s future and their relationships? Part of their daughter’s willingness to go down the road she has may be attributed to what she saw as a child.

WAT,

I’m afraid you are right in this signaling the nearly complete separation from the in-laws for me. As stated, they have a right to their grandchildren, but truth be known they never were too involved. This is my son’s 3rd year playing hockey and I don’t think they have attended one game. Their only interaction when they are at my residence is to visit on occasion with all of us. They will now avoid the discomfort of defending their choices. I have tried before to ease my strong values to accommodate others and it just doesn’t sit right with me. I believe a fundamental change will occur in our relationship.

HD2,

Sounds like a similar experience. I did not get the heads up in any way though. As I said I predicted this to a degree, but in front of my children?! Completely unapologetic about it too…….almost a taunting: “What…you’re going to blame us and not speak to us now too?”

Cy,

Hockey analogies…….I need hockey analogies.

Obviously this experience with the in-laws is nearly universal. I will take away from it lessons that I can incorporate into my life when my children are adults. I will likely have to overcompensate to mitigate what they had modeled for them.

Weaver,

Prior to this escapade my relationship was strained with these folks. They are eccentric to say the least. I reached out to them, or at least accepted them reaching out to me after the fact. Maybe that’s why I got so upset. My nature is to adopt an emotional siege mentality and I disregarded my intuitive inclination. I’m trying not to be such an “island”, but these experiences tend to put me back there.

FAA,

Know of any good property deals in BC?

Just kidding, but I need a vacation! I was getting good at distancing myself from this crap and now I got a face-full. I have been disengaging and letting Karma have its way, but this immerses me back into this mess. I feel so helpless and that is not a feeling I’m good with. I read your other thread regarding what has gone on. I wish you well in the direction you’re taking…..sounds exhausting.

Binder:


I so understand the exhausting part. lol. But I am not a quitter when I know what I need to do for me and for DD13. And it just got even more interesting. I have been tentatively been offered a contract in Victoria! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

For 1 to 5 years. That karma is a really interesting thing isn't it? And gee that just makes me laugh. The opportunity is fabulous, so we will see.

It might entail a move so your housing sitch could be very easily addressed. lol. Rent my townhouse. lol

Binder,

Been there too!

My xil's were both sunday school teachers. Married for 38 plus years.

In midst of our separation/darth's affaiars, we discovered my fil was cheating! He had been seeing a client of his for three years. A long term A. He had done dastardly things literally under nose of my xmil. Such as the whole family for Christmas being at the main house (in the country) and less than a 1/3 mile away, the OW was staying overnight in the hunting cabin..fil would sneak out and go see OW under guise he was going hunting next day. Stuff like that. To me, it was despicable behavior. And any wonder now why my xh ended up like this?

many people as I have learned sadly use religion as a band aid to cover up something so horribly wrong. And my xil's were/are such. They "healed". Turns out it was FIFTH affair of my xfil. Despite my xmil's actions (shock, anger and the such) this was something she has taught my xfil she would tolerate. One sunday they went to church. He got rebaptized and recommitted his life in front of large church. No mention of his affiars or how he broke his family almost totally apart. Nah. Just a blanket statement of recommittal to faith. One dunk and they "were healed!".

I sat there in disbelief. I remember thinking "this is not gonna do it".

My xh meanwhile got so nervious in the church he had to get up...paced outside walkinga round. Refused to sit by my side during this...why? He was cheating too!

So my inlaws were supportive during early days. Said "you'll always be our daughter" and that stuff. Then came the line in the sand. My xh spouted off all wacked out stuff..that I was insane, we did not get along, we had not had sf in years (all total lies) all to the IL's...

Incidentally the IL's were also on Darth's payroll. They work for him. He signs their checks...big ones ok? After a few months, the phone calls stopped from them. They knew I was going to take their ds to court and actually do what they could not do...EXPOSE THE SIN.

They didn't like it.

And when I'd see the IL's enabling it...I would CALL THEM ON IT! Example...we'd been separated a few months...and suddenly they show up at ds' easter play at preschool. They take turns staying inside and outside. I wondered what was up? I soon found out...because the child had to be taken inside to go to bathroom. THEY WERE BABYSITTING THE OW'S LITTLE BOY FROM XBF FOR THE DAY! That is why. They dare NOT bring in OW child and let me see. They wanted to hide more sin (not the child ok...the actions of the sinful parents being Darth and OW). I saw my fil with the child. I asked "who's child is that?" He got sad look on his face. He said it was FV's. I asked them to both leave. I said it was NOT about the child. I love kids. It was about the LIE.

fast forward.

Two years ahead.

Xh is now xh. He instantly remarried when ink was kinda dry. Maybe 3 days at best later. Darth has had affair with much younger woman. College student. Who looks like me...when I was in college ironically. FV was flipping out. How could he do that to HER? She turned to my xmil. She also told my xfil. This was 2 days before my ds's birthday party. AT the party, the xil's were there. Looked horrible. Like they had not slept. Disheveled. And had gained more weight. Looked very unhappy. FV was there with her best friend for "protection"...she is very uncomfortable around me or my friends...she feels like "people will talk about her"..and they do...she is NOT taken seriously.

My xfil came up to me and said "Peach. WE will always love you. You gotta know it." xMil came up too. I said that I cared and loved them too. And that if they do love me, their actions will show it. And so far it has not showed me much, but I thanked them anyway. Xfil took me off to side and said "we did NOT know Darth was really wrong. We wanted to believe him. He convinced us so much that it was YOU...now he's doing same thing. It just doesn't stop".

They promised to call me. No call. Hugs and nice words. I think it was for show. But deep down they're miserable.

I find alot of these xil's are the same.

Goes back to it's their offspring. And we "endanger" their offspring when we take them to court...or it is perceived as such. When the WS is so darn wrong...it is still their child. And sadly many enable them so much it is sickening.

I received NO call from them at Christmas time. A one line response to my internet Christmas card I sent. Yea, they're so concerned about me.

FAA,

Good luck on the job in Victoria. My career actually seems to be headed in the right direction too. I am bound by my parenting arrangement in regards to the shifts I can work. My employer has found some really good spots for me and has allowed me to be really flexible regarding child care. My boss has even insisted, darn near bullying me to put in for a promotion in the fall. At least something is working out.

JP,

Obviously the wicked have no problem claiming righteousness and pursuing iniquity. Maybe they feel that God’s capacity to forgive gives them a free pass. I’d like to sit in on that conversation on judgment day. Actually I’m sure I’ll be stammering out a few feeble excuses myself

Sounds like you have maintained a reasonable position with your in-laws by not shutting the door completely. My SIL had no problem partying with her sister and OM 3 weeks after my WW decided to pursue her A full time. Can’t say I got her a Christmas card this year.

It appears that the OW in your case is getting a dose of “what comes around”. Excuse me if I take pleasure in her misfortune.