I agree with Shattered. He sounds very much like my husband did when I confronted him. He also never blamed me, said it was a stupid mistake and all his fault.

Let us know how the talk with him tonight goes. I'm praying for you both.

Well, I made it through the evening..barely.. I work in a retail store part-time and had to be out around people for the first time today..it was so hard to keep it together, and if one more person asked me how my Christmas was..I was about to tell them!
You know, I have been reading on MB for a while now..mostly on 'emotional needs' but I surf through this board too...(thank God I knew about this board..it saved me this morning)...I've read the threads where the BS has to go through this feeling I've had today for so long, if their H doesn't end the A and fence sits...I hope to God mine is serious, because there is no way in ****** I would be able to live with this constant stomach churning...good way to lose weight though, I've barely been able to eat or drink all day..H called me right before I left for work and asked me if I was ok..I was like..um..no, no I'm not, but life goes on even when your world crashes, we chatted a little more and then said goodbye.

I texted him from work tonite, because I felt like I was having a little panic attack and just needed to connect with him...I asked him if he had told her not to call him anymore yet and that I knew he couldn't respond coz he was driving, but I needed him to do that asap...if he didn't I would.

Called him when I got home and asked him if he called her, he said he called her and told her what happened and that they couldn't talk anymore. I asked him if he told her he couldn't talk to her because he loved me or just because he got caught. He said NO he told her he made a big mistake and he needed to work this out with me, and that meant they couldn't talk anymore...He said, but I don't even know if you'll be able to get over this and ever feel the same again, I said, I don't know..I'm sure it will never be the same as it was, but I know people make mistakes, and if this is what happened with you and her, and you end it completely immediately, I can probably get past it. If there was a PA, I wasn't so sure. He said 'it never went that far". I said well if she calls you again I will know (he thinks that I can see the cell calls as soon as they are made..shh) and if she does, you need to tell her you can't talk to her and hang up..and you better tell me before I see it on the cell bill, because there are no second chances here. I mean that too, if he ever puts me through this again, I'm gone.

I suggessted that Friday evening we go out alone and have one good talk about this...I know that there are changes I need to make too, and we need to figure out what we are going to do to get past this. I told him that I wasn't going to harp on it forever, all I ask is NC and a 'Come to Jesus' talk (for both of us) on Friday..then we'll move along and see what happens.

I want to talk to him about why he let himself get caught up in this too, give him information that I've learned here about the addiction of getting his ego stroked and to the feeling of being wanted that he got from her I'm sure. Those are feelings that he should be getting from me, and understanding the addiction and both of us working to fullfill each other's needs will help him get through it.

I am going out tomorrow to get 'His Needs, Her Needs' and Surviving the Affair..I'll ask him to read them also..

That's about it for now, I pray to God that he is one of the WS that regrets enough to end it straight up. I was going to ask if any of you had a WS that ended things immediately and never looked back. I'm glad there are at least a few..

Thanks from the bottom of my heart for the help..

((((This)))) I was hoping you would post tonight, been sort of hanging out waiting for you.

It sounds positive, but do not let your guard down. That is something you can not do.

I hope you can have a good long talk on Friday. You might want to write down some of the questions you have. It will make it easier than rambling. As you write you may see that some are more important to you than others.

After you read Surving an Affair, you will see that you may still want him to write a no contact letter and why.

Have you thought of counseling? If you can afford the Harleys, that is great. If you have insurance, you may be able to have counseling at a low cost or even free. Check the mental health section of your plan. In fact, it is better to call. Many offer 6 or more free sessions.

Some things that have helped me are jornaling and letter writing. I journaled my thoughts, my fears, my anger, etc. I wrote letters to him, to her and even to God. I didn't mail his or hers, but I am certain God knows the contents of His. I pretty sure he understands the hurt and confusion I was going through. Those really helped me get my thoughts out.

My counselor has been a nig help, as well. If you have read anything on grief, you will see that it is very similar in this situation. You will cycle with the same emotions that you do with grief. In fact, we are grieving for what we had.

I will be very honest with you. The first weeks were horrible. There were days I didn't feel like I could go on. I let my house go, I let my business go, I let everything go. I tried to focus on him and our relationship. I was obsessed with the details and the reasons why.

I want you to know there is hope. Things are musch better now. Our relationship is stronger than it has been in a very long time. It is sad that it took something awful to pull us out of the non-chalant pattern we had settled into. We were still doing what we knew we needed to do, but we were mainly doing it out of habit. Now, we are doing it out of love and a desire to strengthen our relationship.

Sleeping will not be eas tonight, but there are a lot of us who will be praying for you.

Blessings

TY moveforward, I need all the prayers I can get. And I can see how everything else could get pushed to the background when you're trying to recover from this. I did nothing today...nothing...lay in bed with my puppy and tried to sleep..I think I might have gotten 10 minutes, after being up since 3 a.m. I almost called off sick to work, but decided to go just to do something besides cry.

Oh, and don't worry about me letting my guard down, I'm pretty observant when I put my mind to it...I just trusted my H so unconditionally, and it makes me sad that I will never trust him that way again...
In hindsight, I knew I wasn't doing all I should have been for my marriage, but never really put the effort into changing that until now. I'm hoping this is just a wake up call for us both and will end up with us being stronger and better than ever..I pray for that..

Did your H write a NC letter? Did he have any relapses with the NC? I know we have a whole new can of worms to open when he has to go to this terminal again (if he does, we'll see what we can do about that) I can't do a relapse, I really can't...and I'll make sure he knows it...

I'm going to try to sleep now, when I talked to H, he said he had a pounding headache and his stomach was still all in knots too. We both doubted we'd get much sleep tonight..I really wish he was here and not 800 miles away..

Goodnight and Bless you for your help...

The A was over when I found out. He did not do a no contact letter, but we did change all of the email accounts except the one at the office. He did give me his password for that one and I check it. At first I checked every day, sometimes more than once. I seldom do it anymore. He has promised to let me know if she ever emails him again.

We changed his screen name and he seldom turns it on anyway. There A was mainly internet with one time they met to talk but did more than talk.

She lives in another town. She was his high school girlfriend. Had not seen each other in 25 years.

One thing, take this as a wake up call, but DO NOT take the blame for this. Yes, we all contribute to the state of the relationship, but it was his choice to do this.

Many of us, me included, tend to take the blame for everythng, but we can not do it in this situation.

blessings to you

Just bumping this up to see if you are around and how you are doing.

Hi moveforward, thanks for checking on me and caring..

I am all over the place today..I know that him leaving within minutes of all of this coming out is taking its toll, my emotions are all over the place....I could only manage 1/2 day of work today and came home early,,first thing I did was take apart the Christmas tree and and drag that sucker outside, it was kind of healing in a way, but, and i'm not exaggerating, while I was doing this, I went through a panic-like attack, got severely PO'd for a while and cried my eyes out the next minute...it's scary how the emotions change...
Unfortunately for him, H called right at the tail end of one of my pissed off swings...I told him I had drug the tree out of the house because I didn't want any reminders of this Christmas..just looking at it made me break down and it needed to be gone...He said, see..I know you're never going to be able to get over this, you'll never trust me again...I'm such a piece of ******..
I told him he needed to help me even if he couldn't be here, I said all I want from you is for you to say it's ME you want, and that we will get over this and everything will be ok..he said YOU are the one I want, I should have never done what I did....he has a hard time with talking about emotional things..and as soon as I started talking about how I was feeling, I could feel him shut down, he actually said..we should hang up now...I was like...NO, you apparently are capable of having hour long conversations, but when you have to hear the hurt that i'm feeling, you need to go...he said that he feels like a piece of ******, he told me it was over and that every time we talk I break him down and he can't drive in that condition...oh f'ing well...

I told him he needed to let me talk about this or I would go crazy, this isn't something you just forget about the next day..anyway, he did let me talk after that, and then I forced myself into casual conversation

I probably didn't do so well with the plan A'ing today, but I'm finally coming out of the numbness and my emotions are all over the place..I'll either kiss him when he gets home, or cold-[censored] him..I guess we'll see...

(((hugs)))

Those first few days and weeks are so hard... you'll get through them though.

What you're feeling is very normal. It's important for you to know that (I thought I was losing my mind!) and for your husband to know that too. It doesn't mean that things are hopeless. It's a cycle that needs to be worked through.

I had my first panic attacks in the weeks following Dday. I went to my doctor because I was having chest pains, a hard time breathing and would sometimes just stop in the middle of what I was doing a cry so hard and uncontrolably that I didn't know how I would make it through the moments until it was over.

He prescribed an anti-anxiety medication. I never thought I would need something like that but it probably made the difference in my being able to take care of my children and get to work. Just something to think about.

Getting those books and scouring this site for information and advice also helped me. I felt empowered by being proactive. I wasn't just sitting back letting things happen to me... I was being part of a solution.

Now, it wasn't uncommon for those moments of empowerment to fade to fear in a heartbeat. I would go from moments where I could hardly move to constant activity in a snap. My emotions, actions, words and outlook changed constantly. That's part of it too. Just knowing that can help though. It gets better.

You'll get great support and advice here to help you through some of the rough times. (((hugs)))

FIM

FIM is so right- what you are feeling is a version of what we all feel. You'll make it.

Good for you on telling him what you need. It is ok to do that. When he comes home you may do both: kiss him and slug him. It went from one to the other with me too.

As you go through this you might tell him to consider this as if your marriage and you were in Intensive Care after a severe trauma. You and your marriage will need lots of care and concern to get through this. You can get through this.

Did you buy the books today?

I'm so sorry for what you're going through!! I don't know what to say, I'm still so lost myself. But I will follow your saga..

lots of hugs...
Tracy

Please don't underestimate the intenseness of an EA. By the time I caught my wife from the cell phone bills, she was madly in love with her OM and was planning on leaving me.

It is not a sexual thing for EA people, it is a developed feeling that begin as friends and it grows deeply within them making it harder to simply break the feelings and to walk away from the relationship. They come to believe they are "best friends" or soulmates.

I say go back six months from your cell company and you will see a pattern develop. It will help you see when it heated up. The truth is in the details. Make him tell you in great detail everything about them and if he avoids things or forgets things, he is likely hiding facts. I have been there and I am sorry for you. Things can be reversed but not without a lot of work, pain, and turmoil.

Good luck.

TooSoon

Thanks everyone, talked to H a couple of times tonite since the last time and have kept the conversations casual, he really doesn't do 'talking about your feelings' well, and I don't want to bombard him with too much A talk.

FIM, I remember reading your story and I'm glad you are happy now...I am considering going on AD's for sure, I took Wellbutrin a couple of years ago and they helped me through a rough time. Thanks for the good thoughts.

moveforward, I hope you know how much you have helped carry me through this. When you and Shattered both said there seems to be hope for this to be a 'real' ending, it really did give me some hope too...I will be vigilant though, and there's still the other terminal to contend with. I told him tonite that he needs to avoid going there no matter what..we don't need the money that bad..we'll see how that plays out..

I ordered Surviving an Affair from Barnes and Noble today, they didn't have any copies in the store. I did pick up His Needs, Her Needs from the library, and will read it some tonight. I want to get my own copy of it for H to take with him on the road too.

TooSoon, I know that EA's can be very strong...I don't 100% believe that there wasn't any physical contact at all, but I do think I found out before it came to sex...I did track the calls and it looks like the really long calls just started up in the last month or so, looks like they started in September the calls were sporadic and fairly short, the last month they took a big increase. I wish I could remember the dates that he stayed at that terminal, but I had no reason to keep track because I trusted him. Silly me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there. I know waiting is hard. You sound good tonight, though.

I won't be around much tomorrow or Thursday. I have to work and tomorrow I am going to take dd and her friends to dinner and a movie (DH will not be home til late as he is taking a test). Thursday after work, we are going to have Christmas with my inlaws.

I'll be thinking of you, though. Keep your chin up.

blessings

Thanks moveforward, enjoy your time with your kids it sounds like fun..and even though the last thing I would want right now is to redo Christmas <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> I'm glad you get to do it again with yours...

I am feeling a little better tonight, I think I got through to H when I told him that I needed him to call me often,,he called like 4 times this evening and we just said goodnight, I told him I wished he was here with me, that I could use a hug and just to be held...he said, well I'm on my way back to you soon...
it's helped to connect with him so much tonite. I hope it lasts...

God Bless and goodnight

((this_hurts))

Your situation sounded so much like mine, it really made me analyze everything that I did wrong after d-day. So, I being a glutton for punishment, called my WH to check and make sure I had the list of my wrongs complete. (BTW, my WH is an a$$ who really lets me take the blame for everything, please don't let my bad attitude scare you!)

But, he did say some things that may give you insight into where your WH is mentally. I do think that my WH intended to end the A and work on the family, but I seemed to have made that too hard to do.

Speaking poorly of the OW was a big issue. Honestly, it didn't happen very often. But his reactions of protection about her really made me feel threatened, which caused me to attack more. Try not to do that. Like someone said, if you attack OW, you make WH feel you don't respect his choices (warped maybe, but probably true)

Since your WH was in a phone affair from what you know, really try to make sure that as many of your phone calls leave WH with a warm fuzzy. If he dreads seeing your name on the caller ID, if he thinks it is always going to involve comforting you or answering questions, he will start to miss the easy talking he and OW shared.

In my case, my WH didn't have anything to give me in the weeks after d-day. He was too involved in his guilt and withdrawal. So me needing anything from him was just a drain to him. OW was easy and gave to him. Wifey was complicated and made him think. It got hard, so he left.

After D-day, my WH was a broken man, confused, hating himself. I was forgiving, but, I was also chasing him around with books and questions wanting to meet his needs. He wanted to hide under a rock and I was throwing Dr. Phil books at him. That didn't work.

I am glad that your WH is responding like he is right now. If I knew then, what I know now, I would have just chilled out. Probably impossible to do, but in my case, my need to fix it fast was the worst thing I could do.

Hang tight. I hope I am not saying anything to steer you wrong, if so, I hope someone will set me straight soon. In my case, I think WH wanted to stay, but he was too fried to work on the M and I wanted to autopsy, dissect, fix it and clean it up fast.

Stay strong, be calm, no quick fixes, slow and steady.

I am glad you found this place so soon.

Can I add four things?

First, even though your WH seems humble and apologetic, that could change quickly. My own WW changed from a humble apologetic person into an unbelievably foggy nasty person in the blink of an eye. And I may have contributed by not Plan Aing. Plan A, Plan A, Plan A. Do not make even a single mistake there. No excuses, no failures on your part; you may well be in a very real battle for your M. You are strong and you can do it. MB posters will help you tremendously.

Second, if your WH is still saying 'just friends' please consider getting him to a MC who will quickly correct that. A spade is a spade, and a decent MC will recognize the symptoms, look your WH in the eye and say 'you are having an affair'. Having that on the table will change things.

Third, take a look at zabasearch.com. There you will find links that can be used to find the owner of a cell phone number.. For real. I did it, and am very happy I did. Costs about $10 to $15 I think. I didn't get an address, but I did get the full name, which could then be used to find further info.

Fourth, if you know the password for your WH's cell phone, you may be able to log onto the cell company's website and get real-time usage info, including numbers called and numbers texted just seconds ago. How to get the password if you don't already have it? Wait until he's at home and asleep, then go to the cellphone company's website, type in his cell number on the web page, then hit the button that says 'send password'. The password will be text-messaged to his cell phone, where you can read it. May not work with all cell phone companies, but it does work with some companies. You can take a look at the website and practice using your OWN cellphone number and your own cellphone. I'm not an attorney; you may want to think about ownership legalities, e.g. whether you are legally entitled to the password or not. Maybe some people wouldn't let that stop them.


Good luck. My biggest wish for you is that your WH remains humble and apologetic. If he turns bad - and believe me that can happen - you will be in for some serious misery. God is on your side. Listen to him.

Jean, Thanks for the advice...I think you're right about 'chilling' out right now...I did have a a little melt-down during one of our conversations yesterday, but like I told H, he left for this trip within minutes after this all came out and I really needed to get someof that out before I went berserk...after that conversation, I kept things light and we did talk about casual things the next couple of times he called. All I'm going to ask for him for now is to call me often, I'll do my best to sound strong and confident and loving. We already have a 'date' to get together Friday evening to have 'the' talk. I told him that I wouldn't harp on this for the rest of our lives, but I need this one time to sit and talk about all of this...after that we'll see what happens. It's going to be really hard for me to let it go till then, but it's only a couple of more days and I am feeling a lot more leveled out with my emotions now. I'll hang tough.
I did tell him yesterday that any more contact with her will be a deal breaker. I know I can't take a setback like that. He said 'I told you it's over, I should have never done it in the first place, it was stupid of me'. I also plan on talking to him about getting another job, hopefully one that keeps him closer to home.

I know that there are people who think that I should have went all-out Kamikazi (sp) on this..going after exposure, calling her, and shaking things up, but my instincts, and knowing my H, told me in the beginning that doing that would not help. If things dont' end as he claims they will, then I will be more aggressive...for now, I'm going to play it by ear and trust my instincts...actually, if things don't end the way he claims, I may just let him go and find out for himself what he will lose, I'm not cut out for repeated breaks in NC.

weneedhelp, I know things can change when we least expect them to. I'm afraid he is going to feel withdrawal from her and give into calling her. I told him I know he is going to have to miss talking to her since they talked so often, but, if he really wants this to work, he is going to have to fight the urge. We are going to talk about the addiction when we have our talk. I don't think he realizes that what happened is more common than he thinks.
I do believe that he wants our marriage and family, and I know he loves me. I'm hoping he stays strong and that I can meet the needs he was getting filled from her.

I already have access to his cell records because we share the same plan. Cingular doesn't give you real-time call records though. I'll have to wait until the billing cycle ends to verify that he only talked to her the one time to end it after Dday. He knows this and actually does think that I can see the calls as they are made, because I knew that he called her on Christmas Day. I actually know that from looking at his phone, but he doesn't need to know that. I think I could find out her last name since I know someone who used to work for the same company and still has ties there. I will probably see her at work on Thursday evening and will try to get some info then.

Thanks to you both for taking the time to respond. I truly hope this ends like he claims it has, I hate rollercoasters...

I didn't go into work today, I just couldn't bring myself to go. I have plenty of time to take off and I know I won't get in trouble for taking a couple of days. H called me a couple of times this a.m...it's been good..no A talk, but I've been listening closer and participating in the convo more...pre-Dday I would zone out or get off the phone when he would start talking about his deadlines, how far he had to go, etc...something I'm going to have to work on I know..and he thinks he might be able to make it home late tonight..I think it will be a good thing if he does, I think we need to connect in person, even if just for a while....he'll have to go back out tomorrow evening, but then he'll be home Friday afternoon for the long weekend.

I've only had 2 panic attacks today so far, and hardly any tears..never thought I'd measure a good day to those standards, but every one that doesn't feel as bad as the first is a good one these days...

Even if you think you have all the cell phone info, you may not. After my WW figured out I was monitoring her cell records, she went out and got a secret cell phone.

Keep your eyes open and don't trust what he says for awhile. Later, after he's re-earned your trust, then you can trust him. But for not do not believe anything he says. Seriously. I know that's hard to hear and maybe you can't imagine being that cynical. That's where I was a few months ago. But the power of these affairs is unbelievable. I've seen many BS stung by their naivety, as I was. Even if he's well-intentioned, your WH may not have any capacity to tell the truth right now.


Also I'll just mention that our 'the talk' went horribly wrong. I hadn't found MB yet, and didn't have the sense to Plan A. I unloaded on her. I think that was the absolute worst thing I could do. Whatever you do, stay in control of yourself and Plan A. No mistakes. Sorry to be repetitive, but it's so easy to make mistakes when you are stessed, crying, having panic attacks, etc.

You will get through this. God bless.

((this_hurts))

One thing that was suggested to me for the panic attacks: sitting on the floor/bed and putting the palms of your hands on the soles of your feet. Just sit there and breathe for a little bit. It did seem to help me. I did alot of beating walls with pillows, but that made my WH mad if he saw me doing it.

Just keep hanging on, I know how you must be going crazy with him being gone. Do you have any big plans for New Years Eve?