Hello everyone,

I met my wife a year and a half ago on the internet. At first from her pictures I could see I wasn't attracted to her. She emailed me first and I turned her down thinking that it wasn't going to work because of that. I talked about this with a friend of mine and he repeated to me the old adage: 'Dont judge a book by its cover'.

A month later I read her online profile again. I had been thinking about what my friend had said. From her profile, she sounded like a very wholesome caring woman, so I decided to re-open communication with her. After 2 months of emailing back and forth, getting to know each other, we met.

My first impression with her was one of confusion. I wasn't sure I was attracted to her. She is very thin but has no cleavage and quite a large, unattractive nose. On the other hand, she has nice legs and hips, and beautiful skin. Still I thought it wasn't enough for me and I told her on the phone later that I didnt think it was going to work out between us.

She was hurt and we had another long talk. She told me how physical appearances are unimportant and it is what is inside that really counts. In my heart I knew she was right, so I agreed to keep in communication with her. We met again a few months later and then once a month for the next six months. I got to know her and learned that she is a very loving, caring, fair and honest woman. Everything I was looking for in a mate, except her looks still didn't sit quite well with me. When all dolled up she looked pretty good, but when she wasn't, I thought she was unnattractive.

I put those feelings aside, and relocated to be closer to her. Our relationship really began to grow. While on vacation together I asked her to marry me... she had everything I was looking for in a woman except the looks. This feeling stayed with me right after I asked her to marry me, and I was soon second guessing my decision.

Two days before we were to be married, I had a little panic attack. This issue of attraction became such a big issue in my mind I thought about calling the whole thing off. But then I thought of the embarrassment of cancelling all the arrangements with our family, and how my fiance would be so utterly destroyed if we called it off. So we got married anyways.

4 months later we are married. I still have no complaints about her, as she loves me dearly and treats me like a king. Except there is one problem... most of the time I am still not attracted to her. This feeling didn't go away like I hoped it would.

Now it has gotten worse. I see her like she is normally every day... without makeup and not looking too good in the morning. It affects our sex life because she cannot arouse me. I have to close my eyes while we are doing it and picture some other woman. Most of the time, I don't even want to have sex with her. Although I love what she is inside, I feel that something is missing. I was always hoping that I would be deeply attracted to the woman that I married. Somehow I feel as though I did not marry my 'dream woman'.

My sense of morality tells that I must look past physical appearances and love her for what is inside. When I see a woman on the street or on TV that I feel is 'my type' physically, I get so jealous and sad because I don't have such a woman. Then I feel guilty for such shallow thoughts and so I stuff the feeling deep inside me. It is tormenting me now and I don't know what to do.

You are probably going to ask if I love her. Well I'm just not sure if I do. I'm not sure if I ever did, and it may only be because of her physical appearance. Is this just my problem? Must I learn to accept and love my wife for how she is? Should I have settled for this woman where almost everything is perfect except for her appearance?

Please help!

James

It sounds to me (but what do I know) that there is more to your problem with your W then simply the size of her cleavage and her nose. I think that there is more. What is it? You are not really that shallow, are you?

If the only thing that stands in your way of unlimited happiness in your M are those two things, and if you really are that shallow, then you're golden. This problem can be solved by rhinoplasty and breast augmentation. No big deal. All you got to do be able to break it to your W... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

You know she could alter those things ...unless that's not really the issue to begin with.

I agree with Oceangirl. Those things could be fixed. You said she looks good when she is all dolled up.

I don't think you are shallow for having the need for an attractive spouse. No more than I think a woman is shallow for having her financial needs met.

If she puts in the effort according to you she is attractive.

Does she know how you feel?

And yes, you do have to settle. You and her took vows to love and honor each other. I never saw any marriage vows that said "I do until it is inconvenient for me". I'm sure you both could find a solution to her attractiveness.

Tell her how you feel and let her help you make the decision.