Okay, I HATE when I get these "feelings" in the pit of my stomach. I mean I am grateful for the feelings but they overpower and take over any sense of control I may have.. The "feeling" that something is not right.. so here I go again.. I start snooping. and I ask myself.. "why am I snooping.. will I really do something about it.. this time if I do find something?

Anyways.. 12/23/05.. this feeling came over me and i immediately got online to check his cell phone records.. and there was a number that repeatedly kept popping up.. this number was called anywhere between 1-6x per day!!! and each call was at least 15 minutes long.. one as long as one hour..and they were all made at a point when he was not at home with me.. But since he is almost always at home.. most of the calls were recorded to bes at 6am (when he is on his way to work) or at 4:30pm (when he is on his way home)

So I called the number and a female answered.. I said I had the wrong number and hung up.. I called him and asked him who did this number belong to and he said "XXX" (which is one of his best friends wife) and that he and she were going thru problems and he was just talking to her and then i was livid.. "THAT MANY TIMES A DAY"! I have met this woman once before.. and I know that her husband cheats on her but why in the heck is MY husband "trying to counsel" her when he has his own marriage to fix!!!! He promised that nothing was inappropraite in their conversations.. that he would talk to her about her and her husbande problems and in some cases she would give him my point of view on things if he and I were disagreeing.. WHATEVER!! I called her and she said there was nothing going on.. that my husband was helping her find out who the woman was that her husband was cheating with.. I didn't say anything argumentative.. I had really just called her to get confirmation of his story.. but i asked him.. why did you make it a point to intentionally "delete her number" each time you called or she called you?? (b/c sinse D-Day, i have free access to his cell phone) and why feel the need to call her when I'm not around???

I asked him to leave. i wasn't going to be put thru this again.. He was apologetic and said sorry for not telling me but that I already did not trust him from the last times and he didn't want me to think that there was something going on if there wasn't.. well like they say.. "people who aren't hiding things.. don't hide" .. He called her immediately and told her that the friend ship was off and they couldn't talk anymore.. that it was disrespectful to me b/c I didn't know of their "excessive talking" b/c he had been scared to tell me

He said I "could take away" his phone (like some little kid) and he would cut the friendship off with her husband.. b/c that is one of his best friends. That he needed new friends anyway since most of his friends were not loyal to their wives. We talked and he says how pathethic and disgusting he feels.. like a "crack addict".. only his addiction is with the phone and emails.. but he adamantly denies anything inappropriate discussed between them..

Am I wrong for asking him to leave and separate for awhile? I'm just tired of this s**t! He even told me that I scare him.. That he is so afraid to make me mad and that everytime I walk into the room he fels he's on eggshells for fear of what I'm going to say.. and yet he admits that I'm not unreasonable.. that I am very patient and understanding and loving towards him but he's terrified of doing the wrong thing and disappointing me.. I feel betrayed again.. Here we are going thru professional counseling.. he is saying and doing all the right things.. My EN are being met and since DDay We have been happier than we have ever been.. We are preparing for a cruise in May.. I just dont understand why he didnt' tell me of this?? I'm hurt that he can't even be honest with me.. I can't even guage his honesty by what he does.. b/c he does all the right things..

Does anyone think I should go to Plan B? if there is no affair going on? It's just really LB's that kill me! .. his lies really more than anything! his deceptive nature. his secrecy.. ugh!! i want to scream.. does anyone know what good gameplan should be for me?

Whew - that's a tough call. Once bitten, twice shy...

Only you can decide what's right.

Are you going to MC? If not, I'd start there.

While it *may* be that he was not doing anything "affair-driven", surely he should know that even the appearance of same is just as destructive and he shouldn't have put himself into that situation - particularly if he's aware about how sensitive you are.

{{{Hugs}}} I know it's hard to trust again after a betrayal - sometimes it's worth it, sometimes it's not. Wish I had a crystal ball to tell you the truth and what will happen - but alas I don't <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hope you do figure it out one way or another - for your own peace of mind.

H2U

oh and an interesting thing husband said during our talk after all this had taken place.. was "with his ex wife.. he knew she would flirt and talk to other men and he was okay with that so long as her loyalty was to the home and when she left him for the OM.. the marriage ended.. he says it's probably not right that he feel it's okay for he to have female friends or for me to have male friends but that's just how he has always done things.. Well I told him. no it's not right.. b./c most of the time with women anyways a "male friend" is fulfilling some sort of EN and most always women are looking for love .. not sex..

So that is why he feels it's been okay to carry on friendships with female frlends b/c he readily admits.. he doesn't ever think of leaving me for anyone.. that I'm not replaceable and that he is happy in his marriage.. it's just his nature.. that is how he is.. but after i pointed out my view of things.. he thinks it's best that he ends any of his female friendships unless.. they are good married couples and that I know about them and I'm present when and if he chooses to talk to them..

Thanks Honey2U..

Yes we are in counseling since the last DDay.. I am really starting to consider my husband going thru IC with our marriage counselor who is also a sexual therapist dealing with sexual addictions.. I think there are character issues with My Husband that maybe he should have professional help without me. My Husband suggested he talk to the counselor himself and Now i'm starting to feel that maybe he should. I dont want him to be embarrassed or ashamed if I'm sitting there with him.

Husband knows how this appears and he says that is why he deleted her number and wouldn't tell me of their calls b/c he was afraid of what I would think and there was nothing going on. Husband obviously forgot I could check his calls online.

He is willing and compliant to do whatever it takes but I think I'm just ready for him to leave and I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing.

Well, noone can tell you what the "right" thing to do is. You have had multiple D-Days I see ? Sad, so sorry to see this.

The only comment I would make is about your Husband being "willing and compliant to do whatever it takes"....I would really have to question how "willing" and "compliant" is he is gonna be. He is obviously not NOW.

Now, you can go ahead and give him another 300th "second" chance.....but I would just be sure you are doing something "different" this time. I admit, I do not know the issues and circumstances behind the other affairs.

Did your cheater also have an affair with his 1st wife?

We all like to talk about "addictions" and "needs" etc etc....well, your cheating husband has disgraced you and betrayed you MORE than ONCE it seems...and he now willingly and knowingly decieves you again by talking to one of his friends wife's in an extremeley inappropiate way....READ:Emotional Affir probably heading to physical affair. Once again, I know this is not a popular stance here.....But some guys and gals are just "bad apples". I am not saying that this is the case with your Wayward...but one must wonder.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

There is no other way to rationalize it.

His friend needs to beat the living $hit out of him for starters. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Goodluck with this.

Lemonman

DOn't you just hate that little warning light that goes off in your head/gut. I have been right on the money with my WH everytime. I knew this time a few weeks before I confirmed it, But this time he did the exact opposite of what I thought he would. He left.

Use this time to build your relationship, meet emotional needs - remind him how much you love him. Keep the emotions (yeah I am a great one to talk) out of it. DOn't accuse, don't get angry just let it ride. My WH told me once that the reason he went back to OW was because I was always checking up on him and making him feel bad - if he was feeling bad for doing nothing - why not do something that makes him feel good. I know - stupid fog talk - but it sure made me feel responsible for what happenend.

Post deleted, I think I need to read your entire story first before I respond.

Take care of yourself Mobo and trust yourself.

((((MOBO4))))))

Sorry that your're going through this time and time again. I read your last post and i cringed. Your WH said exactly the same things my WH has said to me. Word for word.

"So that is why he feels it's been okay to carry on friendships with female frlends b/c he readily admits.. he doesn't ever think of leaving me for anyone.. that I'm not replaceable and that he is happy in his marriage.. it's just his nature.. that is how he is.."

I think you made the right decision by asking him to leave...and you did it nicely.....i threw my WH out clothes and all. I think your WH will continue to do as he pleases as long as you allow him to. Your WH knows that if he gets caught again...he'll ask for forgiveness,blah, blah, blah...you'll forgive him...and he'll start the cycle over again.

He needs a wake up call fast.

Thanks for all who responded. You guys have no idea how much help you give me no matter how much or how little is said.

I think the biggest fear I have with going to Plan B. is am I doing the right thing? There is no known affair actively going on. He is not confused about the marriage and does want to salvage our relationship. But I'm slowly losing love for him and that is not a good place to be in. I have contemplated even putting myself in a tempting situation by calling an ex.. meeting someone new altogether.. etc.. I want him to know how I hurt and I don't think he fully "gets it". and it's frustrating.

and I also don't know how to proceed with our marriage counseling. I know we need it together but I feel he should also have some IC... but is that normally done with the same person who counsels us as a married couple or a separate counselor altogether?

I'm confused.. He is doing such a great job at spending quality time with me.. willingly and actively particpating in counseling, reading our assignment book "Passionate Marriage" faithfully..calls me ALL the time. I just don't get why this is happening over and over.. I give him an "out" and he doesn't want it.. HE says there is not a doubt in his mind that he loves me and wants the marriage and will do wahtever it takes but that this won't happen again.. hmm.. but i've herad this song before and here I am ..again..

Today he is especially "clingy" and keeps telling me he loves me and he misses me ..that he enjoys our time together..and wishes he could be at home with me now. i dont know i'm just emotionally exhausted.

an interesting thing he mentioned last week in our session..the counselor asked him why does he do this? and he said.. "i guess boredom.. i get bored really easiliy.. i can't stand idle time etc".. since when does boredom excuse an affair??? Some people!!!

You interrupted his budding EA.

Part of recovery is him doing everything possible to make you feel safe so you can recover together. Your safety should be his primary concern, not hiding long conversations to another man's wife.

I do not feel you are overreacting to consider Plan B or other drastic means. He is not protecting you, and should have a firm plan in place to do this before you even consider moving forward.

Also, I would tell the OWH, whether he has/is cheated/cheating or not. JMO.

A spade is a shovel. If that offends you, don't read anything more in my post.

First, nothing excuses adultery, period. It was also inappropriate for him to be phoning this other woman and you were correct to call him on it and stop it.

He said he was bored and you ridicule that as an excuse. But, pardon me, in reading the myriad of posts from former adulterers and adulteresses out here, ascribing the reason for infidelity to “boredom” is strikingly similar to saying “some emotional needs weren’t being met by my spouse,” isn’t it? Put another way, how could one be bored if every emotional and physical need were being met? I hasten to add I’m not finger pointing and I’m not blaming you. I’m just noting parallels.

I key on words and phrases. I have all my life. It helped a lot when I had to counsel subordinates during my military career. I have a few things you wrote that were very jarring to me.

You write that your husband is very “compliant.” Curiously, you used the word in connection with saying he seems to be doing everything he could to save the marriage. Compliant is not a trait most women want in a husband. Additionally, you refer to his actions and offers as being childlike (“like some little kid”), he’s “clingy” and he walks around on eggshells to avoid making pissing you off. He says he feels pathetic and disgusting. He’s “terrified” of doing/saying the wrong thing.

You say he agrees you’re not being unreasonable though. I must question whether he has any choice, or thinks he has any choice, except to agree with you.

You can read my other posts in this forum. I’m not inclined to accept an adulterer’s word for anything and I’m not at all forgiving of their trespasses against a marriage. But in this case, I really have to wonder if he wasn’t talking to that woman whose marriage is also in trouble because he did NOT have to walk on eggshells in speaking to her; he didn’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing and getting her mad; he didn’t have to feel she was thinking of him or treating him as if he was a mere child; and because she wasn’t disrespecting him by thinking of him as being compliant or clingy.

Harsh huh? I warned you. What I’m trying to do is get you to THINK--nothing else. In furthering that goal, I’m undoubtedly overstating some things. I hope what I say will move you to consider things in depth.

Lady, I don’t want to hurt you, but right now (and based solely on what YOU have written about your relationship) it seems to me you’re in a mode and a mood to kick [censored] and take names in your household. Your husband tiptoes around, being very loving and trying to work on the relationship but you don’t like him being “clingy” by saying he loves you. Huh? You've decided you don't want his love?

Would you tell me just where Plan A went? The disrespectful words you use in referring to your husband don’t sound to me like anything I’ve read in that plan. Another point: if he knows for certain you’re going to come down on him like a ton of bricks, he’s going to be motivated to tell you about talking to someone about her cheating spouse? Is it too much of an exaggeration to say you punish transparency?

Ma’am, from where I sit, you’re using an awful lot of the stick and darned little carrot. No one is perfect. If all he knows is that you’re going to be vengeful and spiteful if he stumbles, what are you going to get in return? If you want to be able to trust him, explore his reasons for talking to that woman and find out what is BEHIND his words.

On the other hand...you know what? If you’ve decided you can’t accept the concept of his adultery and you don’t love him anymore, that’s fine. You are entitled to make those decisions. But can’t you give him SOME respect and just come out and tell him so? My goodness, don’t keep on using humiliating and disrespectful language about him, and I'll bet to him also. It shows me how you think about him and he probably senses it too. That’s NOT the basis for Plan A and reconciliation.

Again, if recovery is no longer your goal, that’s the way things are sometimes. But please don’t say that’s your goal and continue to push him away as hard as you can.

Hi, MB4.

Quote:
======================================
He is not confused about the marriage and does want to salvage our relationship. But I'm slowly losing love for him and that is not a good place to be in.
======================================

A couple of questions for you. Has your husband always been so wimpy in his responses to you? Do you rule the marriage with an iron fist?

You write of his meeting your needs, and yet he is clingy/grabby/needy - all actions that will drive love away. Is he really meeting your needs, and have you made it plain to him what those needs are?

From what you are describing, I see a certain level of 'smarmy' in his actions toward you. That sets my flags off that you have yourself a player on hand.

All the best,
Gimble

No So you Neak- I don't believe it was a budding EA. but I could be wrong. I seriously thought about telling the OWH but that would probably mean physical violence coming upon my H which I do not want.

Longhorn- Thanks for your post and for encouraging me to think deeper into the situation. I will answer some of the questions that your post provoked me to take a deeper look at..

"He said he was bored and you ridicule that as an excuse"

The reason I ridiculed that as an excuse is b/c there are times we all get bored but don't go out and cheat. Now I have a smart husband. He knows alot about alot of things and can conversate about most anything. So maybe I'm not on his same level intellectually? I have no idea. Maybe b/c I have 4 children and domestic duties as well as a full time job, my conversations I admit can be dull. The same ol' things to talk about. But I have tried on many occasions to get him to take me out on dates. and for us to have a good time together like we once did.

"You write that your husband is very “compliant.”

maybe a better word would have been "willing"? "compliant" came to mind b/c before the 1st and 2nd DDay's he was willing but now that we are into our 3rd DDay.. it appears to me as 'compliant'? I have no idea why I used that word really.

"Additionally, you refer to his actions and offers as being childlike (“like some little kid”), he’s “clingy” and he walks around on eggshells to avoid making pissing you off. He says he feels pathetic and disgusting. He’s “terrified” of doing/saying the wrong thing. "

I did refer to one of his actions as being childlike when he offered to give up his cell phone in order to make me feel a little safer.. I declined b/c i didn't want to make him feel like a child. As for the "clingy" remark.. he said that today b/c he kept telling me he loved and missed me and he knew I had to work but he was feeling "clingy" today. I offered to talk to him about what was really bothering him and on his mind which we did discuss. THe other words such as "eggshells" and "disguested and pathetic and terrified are words that he used himself to describe how he felt about our marriage and the situation regarding this last incident and the other 3 DDay's we had. I do not try to belittle him. In fact the very opposite I try to encourage him and comfort him even when I am in need of being comforted. My In laws have also made remarks about this and why he feels he can get away with it b/c I "baby" him and I do not make him suffer any consequences. I want to talk about the details and then more than anything I just want to move on. Sure I have triggers and we talk but then it's over. You would never know by looking at us that we have problems or our marriage has suffered b/c of his affairs. I don't mope around nor do I try to punish him.

"But in this case, I really have to wonder if he wasn’t talking to that woman whose marriage is also in trouble because he did NOT have to walk on eggshells in speaking to her; he didn’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing and getting her mad; he didn’t have to feel she was thinking of him or treating him as if he was a mere child; and because she wasn’t disrespecting him by thinking of him as being compliant or clingy. "

As I have told him in the past. I understand he may have set backs or even have days where he wants to talk to other woman but just talk to me and I can work with him on these things. We tried that and he KNOWS that i do not give him any grief for this.. I thank him for telling me and for being honest.. and we move on

"but you don’t like him being “clingy” by saying he loves you. Huh? You've decided you don't want his love?"

I didn't say he was clingy.. he said that. and truth be known. i felt good when he told me that. it may sound strange but i felt 'wanted' and "needed" by him. and immediately I comforted him and told him I loved him and I wasn't giving up. But that i was hurt by all this.

I do love my husband and I do respect and honor him. I do not try to "wear the pants" in my relationship in any way. Yes I am angry that we are going thru this again. yes I feel betrayed and hurt that this keeps happening time and time again but I still do love my husband. I don't feel I punish him for being transparent.. quite the opposite, I reward it by thanking him and asking very brief to the point questions and then move on. I don't believe I hold any grudges but what I am understanding is that you are probably right in that I am in danger of losing some love and respect for my husband. I do not display this outwardly but inwardly I am hurting beyond belief.

Which is why I had mentioned Plan B. But I thank you for sharing your views. I will take a honest look at myself and see if I am contributing to him being deceptive and dishonest to me. I want to be a safe place for him to turn to.. I want that more than anything.

Thanks again

Gimble-

"A couple of questions for you. Has your husband always been so wimpy in his responses to you? Do you rule the marriage with an iron fist?

Oh My! I am re reading my posts and trying to be careful of how I state things.. it seems most believe I "wear the pants" in this relationship and I have to laugh b/c that is so far from the truth. I do not try to be above or think more highly of myself b/c I have not cheated on him. Yes I want to talk aobut the situation but that is exactly that.. we talk.. and this is when he feels safe with me to talk to me "in this wimpy" fashion as you beleive. Only I do not see it as wimpy, clingy or needy.. I see it as progress.. Most of the time He is argumentative or will be defensive or will not show his true feelings as he says "its not the manly thing to do" but I love when he is like this.. It shows vulnerability and brokeness.. and I feel we can't move forward until he understands my pain and feels some of it too to truly understand what has happened and how it hurts.

i have talked to him about my EN and encourage him to visit MB which he will read stuff I send him and we share our views when we are together about what we have read. but maybe i'm not communicating my needs properly. I will have to do some more reading to see how I can communicate them in a way he can understand.

and can I ask what "smarmy" means? sorry. i'm ignorant to that one

Good for you, young lady. 99 people out of...well, 98, actually, would have been too pissed off to even consider what I was suggesting.

Now...let's face it. You used the word "compliant," for a reason. I don't do psychobabble, but I know I use a somewhat non-standard word because I want a particular connotation to be conveyed. Sometimes it’s not a conscious decision. Sometimes I have to go back and reconstruct what I was feeling at that moment to figure out why I used that word. Any thoughts?

Again, “compliant,” “clingy,” “walking on eggshells,” are not traits a woman generally wants to see in her man. (BTW, you said he was being clingy in your post, not that he said he was being clingy.) Frankly, no man wants to be seen as having these characteristics either. As Gimble noted, has he always been this wimpy? If he’s suppressing indignation because he’s being made to feel that way, in my opinion, it’s going to cause a lot of resentment sooner or later.

“Boredom” is not what he was feeling when these indiscretions happen. You know that, I know that, and he knows that. But...perhaps it was the only word he could think of that was “safe” to use when he was hit with the question. Sparking a momentary flash of anger in front of a couple’s counselor (a setting in which he is protected to some extent by the 3rd party being present) is better than a deeper, hotter response from you later.

BTW, you might consider getting another counselor if he/she didn’t shoot a question right back at your husband to find out what “boredom” actually meant. It’s awfully, awfully important for your husband (as well as you) to understand why he did what he did so he can change his behavior once and for all.

Anyway…right now, in spite of my bias against unfaithful spouses, I could believe he got into a series of (admittedly inappropriate) conversations with that woman just for the relief of not having to be on his guard all the time. You also spoke of his belief that men and women CAN do that and not have it damage their marriages. Apparently, he was being truthful when he said that--you didn’t say he lied. But he willingly acceded to YOUR opinion on the subject and agreed to cut off the relationship with her and her husband, a long-time friend, I believe. That’s a pretty substantial concession, don’t you think? If you have no reason to think he was telling you a bald-faced lie, can't the incident be considered closed? You established your boundary, he agreed to it without any apparent reservation, right? Is there anything to be gained by letting it fester?

Another thought: is there a chance he thought he could help the other couple by drawing on how terrible he feels about his own adultery?

What I’m terribly concerned about is that you might be quitting just when you’re getting exactly what you basically want and need, though there are many details not yet resolved. I think your husband may have some self-esteem problems…he may feel emasculated by his own acts of infidelity and his inability to understand why he committed them, for instance…but those can be worked on later. It would be a shame for your marriage to dissolve right at the point when you could turn a corner in the opposite direction.

To me, the fairly disrespectful language you use in speaking about your husband is indicative of a deep anger that you haven’t come to terms with yet. I don’t know if you’ve admitted to yourself the anger exists, and I don’t know if you know it’s a perfectly natural reaction. It’s nothing to be ashamed about, but an outlet must be found for it. That’s what a counselor is for and it’s another time a really GOOD counselor is worth his or her weight in gold.

There are some posts out here that compare the five stages of grieving for a loss to the process one goes through to forgive a spouse for an act of infidelity. Anger is one of those steps. If you have the time, and I understand the demands four children place on your daily routine, look up some of those posts. Perhaps they’ll bring something to mind for you. A search on “On Grief and Grieving” or “Elisabeth Kubler-Ross” should bring up a lot just on this website.

Well, this is getting too long. I’ll wear out my welcome if I don’t watch it so I’ll close this off. You have my best wishes for you and your family.

Longhorn,

First I re read what I originally wrote and you are correct.. I did say "he is especially clingy today". I should have just stated the truth in that he said he was feeling especially clingy today. So sorry for the misunderstanding.

"Now...let's face it. You used the word "compliant," for a reason"

I went back and looked in the dictionary with what "compliant" or to comply meant to be sure that is the word I intended to use and here is what it states:
Comply- to conform or adapt one's actions to anothers wishes, rule or necessity.. to do what is required by the terms of (ex: businessmen. contract) it also had other terms I guess you could say were not really "pretty?" for example: command, obey, be submissive.. and I can see how someone with a military background would take this to mean almost forced to do something that you really don't want to do. So maybe I didn't mean to use that word. or maybe, i did? Is it b/c I feel since we are into our 3rd DDay, that he is no longer "willing and ready" but just
"compliant" in order to perhaps "pacify" me or shut me up?? Who Knows?

"But he willingly acceded to YOUR opinion on the subject and agreed to cut off the relationship with her and her husband, a long-time friend, I believe. That’s a pretty substantial concession, don’t you think? If you have no reason to think he was telling you a bald-faced lie, can't the incident be considered closed?"

Had he come to me from the get go and said "i've been talking to "XXX" it seems her and "XXX" are having marital problems.. Then of course I would have understood. As I said before, THis woman and her husband have been good friend with my husband for the past 7 years. Had we had a "real" wedding (instead of J.O.P) This man no doubt would have been his best man. This woman has even visited my husbands apartment (while we were dating) to get his opinion on a christmas gift she was buying her husband. I had no problems whatsoever. It's when I see he is talking to her multiple times a day, every day, for more than 5 minutes a day...Not telling me about it.. going thru great lengths to delete the number from his cell phone.. and only talking to her when he was not in my presence..This looks suspicious to me?

Also, I didn't like that he had this man as one of his best friends being that this man has not been faithful to his wife, and also would accompany my husband to strip clubs. No I'm not fond of him but I have never spoken ill of him or made my husband cut off the friendship with him.. until now. But b/c he has been friends with this man for so long, I specifically said that I would feel better if he did have to hang out with this man, that it be done at our home.. I would prefer he not go out with him anywhere nor go to this couples home. He agreed. (again not sure if it's only b/c he feels has no no choice but to comply???)

"Another thought: is there a chance he thought he could help the other couple by drawing on how terrible he feels about his own adultery?

NOw that you mentioned this it brought back something my husband said before we were married. We had broken up for about 4 months and when he called me to try to reconcile. he said that one of the biggest reasons why he wanted me back was b/c he realized by hanging out with this man and his wife. how foolish he had been by not trying to make it work out with me.. That he had a good thing and was so quick to give it up for "a nobody" (his multiple OW's) That this wife was a good wife to her husband and her husband did not appreciate her. So I can see how he could possibly be trying to help this couple..okay but why not talk to his best friend instead of his best friend's wife? Again, I don't have any clear answers..

I will keep going thru counseling and seeking help and looking for ways to be a tool of reconcilation instead of division in our marriage.

I agree.. I am angry..and I'm not quite sure how to express what I feel.

Again, Thanks for your point of view.

Hi, MoBo4.

Quote:
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and can I ask what "smarmy" means? sorry. i'm ignorant to that one
=====================================

Here is one definition for you.

"ingratiating and wheedling in a way that is perceived as insincere or excessive"

Does he become "compliant" after the discovery of each of his affairs? Is his behavior roughly the same each time he is discovered and realizes that he might lose you?

All the best,
Gimble

It is inappropriate for him to have any of those kinds of conversations with any other woman. Many an affair starts when people of the opposite sex confide in each other regarding problems in their relationships/marriage. He has to learn to keep strong boundaries to protect your marriage.

Since you are already on your 3rd marriage at the age of 29 it would really be important for you to evaluate your part in the demise in each of your marriages and work really hard to prevent a 3rd DV.

Since you have a child with this husband and he is the man you chose to be, not only your third husband, but the father of your child, it seems like it would be a really good thing to try to save this marriage and make it last.

Although your H may be just saying what you want to hear, it does seem like he is at least willing to try to do the right thing. You never just trust that they are telling you the truth nor do you trust that the OW friend was telling the truth. It is the right for him to cut off all contact with her and her husband. Give him credit for willingly doing that.

Read and follow:

The four Rules for a Successful Marriage

Maybe get the MB Home Study course and work it together.

I wouldn't be so quick to go to Plan B and separation in your situation...that would seem rather impulsive and unnecessary considering he is showing remorse and willing to make changes to keep the marriage intact.