I am not here yet. Long way from it. But I am all confused and hurt by some things WH said to me. I feel very dirty and used these days (night before he left he told me how much he loved me). The words were said and I believed them. Now he tells me it has always been a fabrication. I have believed many things about love over the years - now I am really wondering what is real love and waht is fake.

This might not make sense to anyone - I am trying to understand a lot of things about me and why I have let my WH "abuse me" - emotionally that is - for so long.

If you read a little here you will see that many people have been told the same things that your cheating husband told you. Many of those same people have also recovered their marriages. I would honestly not pay any attention to what he says about "love" or any of that BS.

Your biggest issue now is addressing why you let him abuse you for so long. Why do you have such little self love for yourself that you accept this behavior from him. He CANNOT help you with this. You have to STOP looking to him for the answers to these questions.

They will come with the help of a professional counselor and/or medications (you are on some I presume).

I'd start with those avenues and leave your WH and his "lack of love" for you on the back burner while you sort yourself out.

Seems to me you have no choice anyway.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Yes I am on medication, have been since the first time he cheated on me and I had an emotional breakdown. I have had a very mixed up view of marriage - thanks to my parents. They are unltra Christian Fundamentalists, and their view of marriage was one in which the husband is the head of the house, the wife is subservient, etc, etc,

IN reality my parents have a horrible marriage, and the only reason it appears to be good now is because my dad gave up trying to change my mom. My mom is controlling, and angry, she was sexually abused (as was I) and had real intimacy issues. She admits marrying my father becasue she "settled" when her one true love married somone else.

No one ever refered to me as a pretty child. I wore plain clothes, mostly turtlnecks and long sleeves. Never cute frilly dresses, never bows in my hair. Mom dressed me like a page boy - although I was very much a girly-girl (and still am). Mom never expressed love towards me, never hugged or cuddled me. I never felt loved as a child.

WH cam along when I was 19, and he fell for me in a matter of days. He says I ahd everything he wanted, was pulled together, organized, smart, intelligent and beautiful (sorry - never see that in myself - so when people tell me that and comment that I look 30 not 41 - I don't believe them). I fell for him slowly, it ook time and I wanted to be sure. My mother thought he was perfect because he would not let me control him when we were dating. She said that was a good quality - little did I see that it wasn't that I couldn't control him - it was that he didn't want to compromise at all.

I ahve let him do this over and over again to me - and I have reached a point where I am ready to do something about it. I am not sure - but hte desire is there now to change.

Lots to work out over the next several days, weeks, years. As for today - it has been a "good" day. The clinic is closed, I am home with the kids, no tears and only one phone call with WH in which I told him I was ok (despite a migraine) and hung up.

Well, that's the 1st step in a long journey.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Better late than never, Jan. At least now you are placing the blame where it belongs: on the lady in the mirror. Not on your H, not on your parents, on the lady in the mirror. She is the only one who makes the adult choice to volunteer for abuse. And she is the only one who can make the choice to stop.

I am with Lem.

You gotta fix you first.

And for sex and intimacy?

Sorry ...but I feel that unless a partner is 100 percent faithful I am not willing to risk any part of me...whether health or my heart...by having sex.

If they're unfaithful...then why let it happen?

Many people don't get that they sleep with the entire chorus line of women their WH has slept with...and their partners...and th eir partners...snowball effect and how std's get spread.

Worry about the sex part after 1)you heal and work on yourself and 2)your WH commits to NC and you see the doc together to get clean bill of health. Then have at it.

As for me, I can say that I went to a protestant school for 12 years...fundamentalist. Messed me up. I jokingly refer to myself as a recovered "blank-ist" (I will not mention the denomination as I might step on toes). And my xil's are die hard funaamentalists...very very screwed up view of marriage, sex, and what things should be like. Especially if the head of the family is a man who professes to the world to be a born again Christian and has five affairs. Being the "subservient" wife, my xmil stood by her man. And lost her self in the process. And my xh grew up in that home ok?

I am still very much a Christian..but in a different denomination. One that fits me better. And my spiritual/world view. No longer do I feel second best...I am going to make one heckuva equal partner one day to a lucky guy...should I decide to!

Not that messed up ok? But remember my first week at college. Never drank before. Went to sorority mixer with a fraternity. My roommate was also pledging w/me. She and I were both from Christian schools. We were also not supposed to drink w/pledge pin on. We were so happy to find that the frat had punch for the girls who did not want to drink! It was about 90 degrees at night and we were sooo hot...so we drank alot of the punch. And we couldn't figure out why we were puking so bad and stumbling back to our dorn> it was SPECIAL PUNCH! Punch w/pga in it!

I was not prepared emotionally to see the worldy stuff I saw...it freaked me out! But I assimilated nicely after first year. Never wild, but had fun ok? And developed my love for margaritas as did my sister! We were both good girls...and we didn't get around. But yea, if you are raised totally strict in a fundamentalist family (I just wen to the strict school..family was not uptight..dad just wanted us to be raised to be good basically), you run the risk of the whole rebellion factor!

Seemed the guys I went to high school with categorized girls in 2 different groups...the virgins and the ho's. And they deep down wanted the ho's ...but they dated the really plain girls...the virgins. And in college, we blew them off! I was neither the virgin nor ho. Just somewhere in the middle...although I could have fallen to "ho" category because I was on a team that peformed at halftimes and wore short cute outfits...and danced! Oh my goodness! And we danced to rock music! Oh no! It was hilarious. Our class Prez ended up at same college as I did. At end of senior year when everybody found out I had made the dance team, some guys said mean stuff...I was popular but my best friend was waaaay popular. My dance team was nationally ranked btw and everybody knew who they were. The guys said stuff about my "spiritual life being on the backburner" and mean stuff. I was happy to dance..had taken all my life..and needed the scholarship! But they said mean things. When I got to college, he and his buddies were there too. And they were NOT popular anymore. I remember at a mixer held by his religious student union, sometimes where I visited, he came up to me and my roommate, a sorority sister and on same team with me..."Hey Peach..wow, you've changed. You look so different. So have you seen any good movies lately? Wanna go to the highland and see one?" I smiled and walked away. He phoned later and got my number from student directory. Asked if I wanted to go out with him. I told him that faith is something practiced daily and that if I was such a "backslider" as he called me six months earlier, why would he want a date? Silent. I told him I would not date judgemental freaks. Hung up.

He was bald at our 10 year class reunion! Sometimes the whole black/white/ view of fundamentalism can bear negatively..and maybe caused an issue in your self esteem/sex life my friend.

JP - You really hit on the head for me - your parents sound like mine. And I have always suspected that my father cheated on my mother - i have vague memories as a child - something that angered my mom so much that my dad slept on the couch for 6 weeks and they went to marriage counseling. Mom will not talk about it - but I suspect something. So much for my view of marriage.

He called me a little while ago - wanted to check in see how I was doing. Thanked me for a quiet day - was sweet said your welcome. Commented on the email I sent to him last night. It was a real digest - full of things I want in my future. He told me he was glad to see them, was a little skeptical because he thought I've at least promised those things once before. He will wiat and see.

So what - I didn't do those things, make those decisions for him - I did them for me. Life is not all about him. I think he's going to be in for a real surprise.