I look in to see how everyone is doing occasionally. But with nothing new to report, I seldom post, or reply to any posts.

I am doing quite nicely, thank you.

WH is still living elsewhere, although he calls me daily. I see him at band practice every week, and we go out on a "date" once in a while.

Lately, all I've heard from him is how depressed he is. He has no where to go (home, I assume). He has nobody. How he feels like a visitor who needs to ask permission to get into the fridge when he's here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

The only real tense times are when he tries to get me to have sex with him. His conversations are then laced heavily with lewd comments, etc. Once he even used the "we ARE still married, you know!". And, to be totally honest, I have given in a couple of times <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> even tho I knew better.

He tells me he doesn't want anyone but me for the rest of his life. He loves me.

WH no longer gets mail at our home mailbox. He has a mail box in the town where he works (and where OW lives). He also has a storage unit there (about 2 blocks from OW's apartment).

WH is accountable to no one. I know he stays most of the time with a friend (male), who does not know (or care) about WH's whereabouts.

WH says he has written up a list of things he can do to make me feel "safe" about his comings and goings. He has also written a list of his needs - which he says he erased, because apparently his needs are unimportant, and he should live the rest of his life as a dog on a leash, to keep me happy (manipulation - which did not work).

I have never seen the list. He DOES nothing to make me feel safe about ANYTHING. The last time I asked him if he had anything at all to do with OW, he changed the subject. Then I told him point blank that he didn't answer my question.

Now, from what I have read many times here, and what I have seen from others' personal experiences, it all seems universal. When the WS wants the M back, they do EVERYTHING they can to make the BS feel "safe". They call all the time. They answer all the questions asked over and over and over.....without anger or contempt. They HAPPILY go out of their ways to do WHATEVER IT TAKES.

HERE'S MY QUESTION..........

Is there any reason I should expect my WH to act differently than all the other FWS I know about?

Or is he just TOO CLUELESS?

I promised SH that I would not let my WH move back home unless I spoke with him first. I am SOOOOOOOOOO far from making that call!! WH does too many things that make me suspicious that he is still having some kind of contact with OW.

I go about my business here. Keep busy. Enjoy my days and evenings. I feel pretty comfortable without WH here. After all, it has been 2 years since he moved out.

I went out shopping and to the movies and dinner with DD this past Friday. WH called me three times on Friday "When are you leaving? What car are you driving? What time does the movie start?" (What's he doing - keeping tabs on me?) Makes me suspicious.

What is your take on this? It would help me if I knew what others thought about this....

Thanks, K

Hi K,

nice to hear from you again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Did you celebrate Xmas "together" with your husband???



I honestly can't answer this with a straight yes or no but I can tell you from what I experienced that "my" husband acted the same as all WH, even though I believed otherwise.

My xWS acted "defensive & strange" when he wasn't honest with me. I felt that something was not right but I just couldn't put my finger on it.

Usually there were just very "little" things that appeared strange to me............so it was difficult to really talk to my husband about it. I felt stupid and yet I knew that something was not right and I felt uncomfortable.

I read so much here and yet deep inside I felt that my husband was different.............

But sadely he wasn't. He appeared as if he was doing everything to make me feel safe and yet he still was lying to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
He lyed when I would ask him if xOW had intiated contact over and over again.

I don't know if you remember but I seriously wanted to end my marriage.

Now almost one year later after finding out that he had lyed to me, I have definately seen a great change in his behaviour. My gut is telling me the same thing and I feel "peace" ..............I haven't felt this for a long time.

take care K.

bb

Nice to hear from you bb.......I'm glad things are going so well for you.

Sometimes I just feel like a sucker. I think "Oh, he is trying....." but my gut tells me he is still in contact with OW.

There are too many questionable things that go on with him. Too many things that make me suspicious.

I spoke with WH a few minutes ago on the phone, and he was telling me how lonely he felt, how depressed.

Nothing deep in him has really changed in the past 4 months since I kicked him out.

And I, like you, have read so much here, yet still felt my husband was different. But, I can see where I was wrong. Like the WS all speaking the "alien" language, so the FWS speak the universal "Whatever it takes" language.

I pretty much (in different words) told him to $hit or get off the pot.

One of my biggest personal triumphs has been to finally see that I am not a "downer". WH has always told me how negative I am.....what a "downer" I am.

I finally figured it out! I am not a downer. I am not negative. On the contrary!!!!! I am a very happy person. A very POSITIVE person. I was only called such when I disagreed with WH. And by all appearances, my WH is a very depressed, unhappy person.

I must move on with my life.

And, please, don't think I am still the same fool I was earlier in this whole ordeal. Sometimes I need someone to talk to.......best people for that are right here.

I still have no problems getting a D. Actually, it might be easier than putting up with ANY of WH's blah, blah, blah.......

Thanks. Sometimes, just writing all this out here makes me see things with crystal clarity.

Thanks again, bb

k,
are you not sleeping???

I can understand what you are saying "loud and clearly"!!!
You see one thing and your gut tells you another..........

I think it's VERY important for you to show him what he is missing out on!!!!! (Did you celebrate Xmas with him???)

If yes, you might want to show him what New Years is like "without" you.
He has to see what it is like to miss out on these kinda things and he has to see you moving on happy and positive!!!!

I mean..........if he sees this in "you" and if you have all these positive traits............why would he need any OW anymore???? But he has to realize this on his own.

I can also understand what you mean feeling like a "downer" for so many years. I went through the same thing and it's only now that I really see that I am far from that!!!!

I have to share the following with you: (just have to get it out of my system)

When I met my husband, his mother saw me as an intruder. I am Canadian and therefore I don't belong here.
She knew "nothing" about my family besides that my parents were divorced and that my father left my mother due to an affair.

She gave me the impression for years that I was a loser and that I had to be thankfull that my husband even looked at me............She badmouthed me for 30 years. I couldn't put my finger onto this for many years and my husband always gave me the impression that I was imagining this.
She told other people that I was a dirty Canadian,a bad mother, I couldn't cook and that my husband was suffering in our marriage.
My MIL even badmouthed me towards my children. When they were having a hastle with me (cleaning room or other little things) they went to their grandmother as she lives in the same house.
I always saw this with a smile and I thought that they were lucky to have a loving and caring grammy. Never in the world did I think that she would badmouth me and put me down.
But she did and this caused tremendous problems concerning our children and their upbringing.

When I found out about my husbands affair, I felt even worse. I felt like a complete loser and I felt worthless. I felt as if everything I had lived for and believed in was a mistake.

I now know differently.

The other day, out of the blue, my MIL blew up!!! She called me a lyer, she wished that my husband would of "left me" and many other things. This hit me out of the blue!!!!!
Immediately I went to my husband and told him what had happened. He stuck to me completely.
His mother used to do these kinda things when he wasn't around but this time she definately made a big mistake.

Throughout our recovery, my husband has grown and he is aware of what kind of person I am. I am honest,loyal and I have very high moral standards. I don't only talk them, I live them.

He needed time to understand my way of thinking but he has gotten it and he loves me for who I am.

Anyways, he had a big discussion with his mother and I have now came to the conclusion that I will no longer get involved with her. She will never change and it is not up to me to change her. I am backing off completely.

I have told my children to respect my decision and that I will respect what they do concerning their grandmother. I have also told my husband that I will never put myself between him and his mother. So, I'm leaving it up to my husband to have contact with his mother or not.

I just cannot/will not take any more pain.............I will no longer let anyone put me down.......I've learnt to set my boundaries and I think that 30 years of this is enough.

I have tried to reach out my hand over and over again.

As I said, I have left the decision up to my family what they do in this situation and I honestly don't have a problem if they talk to her. I have learned to let go.....

It's strange though because they seem to look up to me now. They are aware of what was going on over the years and it's as if a "Bubble has bursted"......The MIL Bubble.

I don't know why I am sharing this but this situation somehow reminds me of my husbands affair. During this time, my husband didn't see me for who I truely was. He made up his "fantasy opinion" (just like his mother)
Due to the fact that I didn't always say what I thought, I wasn't understood. (remember, I felt like a loser)
I didn't make a big deal about the things I did, I just did them.

But I guess there are people that have to hear about everything one does in order to get an impression about a person.
I tend to think differently. In our situation: we've had a business for over 20 years and it's successfull. Our children were always taken cared of as I was a SAHM and I was always doing things with them.
My husband and I met when we were very young and yet we are still together even after an affair and we are not walking around appearing SAD.

So now I have learned NOT to take what my MIL has tried to feed me for 30 years, she simply has NO clue about us!!!!

Just like the xOW...........and just like my husband, he didn't have the slightest clue about xOW.

Instead of him really seeing/realizing the things that xOW was doing he swallowed her words that she fed him.
He didn't take a good look at her situation otherwise he would of seen that the words she spoke, didn't match her story.

puh...........k..........sorry for babbling but getting this out of my system helps me too.

hugs
bb

Hi ((((K))))

I'm so glad you checked in! I've been thinking about you wondering how your holidays went.

I'm glad you haven't let WH back home. After reading your post I was a little confused...do you like your current arrangement? Are you hoping to get H back fulltime?
Why are you NOT in plan B? You sound great...strong and confident...like you could pull off plan B no problem. Is WH still with OW?

Hi bb and confused......

bb.......I certainly understand why you need to get this off your chest. I had problems with my SIL many years ago.

The turning point was when she called me one morning out of the blue and told me that she knew I was cheating on my husband (yeah, right), what a horrible person I was, and what a liar I was.

Turned out that she was mad at me because her ex husband had come over to our house to visit us and our kids (then aged 1 year and 3 years old).

I told her to go ahead and tell my husband. I wasn't afraid of her and her lies.

Well, when my husband got home, I told him what she had said, and he called her up. After talking to her, he ended the conversation with "well, my wife needs to start getting her stories straight!" He had sided with her. That was a real eye opener.

Confused.....I am not in Plan B because I have tried several times, and WH goes nuts and calls and calls and calls, and shows up all the time (during work, etc).

Now, I just see him at band practice once a week. He calls me daily.

I don't like the arrangement we have now. If he can't make a decision, I will make it for him. I will get a legal separation.

He spent Christmas here with us (children and spouses). Said he had a good time. But he said he doesn't feel wanted. He can't understand why the kids don't call him. But he never calls them, or even tries to see them any other time, even tho he works in the same town that DD lives in.

I don't know if WH is still seeing OW. Gut feeling tells me that there is some contact still. He does and says too many suspicious things.

I feel that I don't want him back if he is going to keep on with his "I'm so depressed." "I don't feel wanted." Only complaints. He's not making any move to change his life whatsoever.

I have to say that I do feel so much better about myself. Stronger and happier too.

This whole thing may never work out. But I can't say I didn't try.

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hello k72172,
I haven't been in on your threads before but I just have this to add. Your post:


For me, it has been a little over a year since dday #1. there have been two more since then. The reason I wanted to comment on this is because I too felt that my WH was doing what he could to make me feel safe and important in his life. I am still with him, but there have been two more D days since then.
Ow does not want anything to do with him and she is now married to her BF of many years, so I have heard.
My WH is not an emotional person, he only shows love in what he does, not what he says (that is what he's always said anyway).
Initially, my WH did not show anger much either when I asked questions. He seemed, for MANY months to be willing to do whatever it took. Most of that time, he was still lying to me though. My WH was never a GOOD liar but has now learned to lie very well. He finally figured out that if he just doesn't tell me anything, then I will have nothing to discuss later - or throw back in his face as he says - even trying to have a civil "talk" is throwing it in his face.)

OW wants nothing to do with him any longer and feels somewhat threatened by him, as she has told me. but,how do I know that she isn't just lying too?
For my situation, I just think that WH has gotten better at lying. Over the past year he's had a couple new secret email addresses, even after I was SURE he wouldn't do this to me again and that he was trying to rebuild his love for me. With the job he has now, there is no way I would ever know if he was still carrying on with OW since he has a personal email and phone now.

For awhile, yes my WH called me all the time from wherever he was and "checked in." for awhile, he showed me his cell phone bills. He has flat out refused to go on the family cell phone plan, although we could save a lot of money each month. (Gee, wonder why?) He rarely checks in anymore, as if he thinks I have regained my trust in him. Truth is, I don't trust him as far as I can see him.
On the flip side, he took me away for our anniversary a few months ago, he tells me he loves me a few times per week now instead of a few times per year. He truly seems to be trying to be the person I want him to be. Since Sept 1st i havent found any evidence of OW being in the picture. But the truth is I haven't checked. I am so tired of all of this. I shouldn't have to be looking for unfaithfulness. I figured out fairly early on, if he is going to keep the A going, he will just learn to lie "better" and maybe he has. I have no idea. So, I know this didn't help much, just wanted to add another twist.
It's just good to see that after much dishonesty, there are many FWS here on MB who are repentent and truly want to be forgiven by their BS. Best of luck, I know this sucks.

Suzy

Hi Suzy.....

Your signature line says it all for me too. How many times have I been fooled? I don't know.

And I think my WH is like yours......just learning to lie better. I am suspicious of everything he says or does....and truth be known, he does and says a lot of suspicious things.

WH also has a work cell and work e-mail. He now works in a different building than OW does, but their main office is still where OW works....and WH does have to go there more than occasionally.

I think accountability is a lot of the problems. Accountable to no one for a WS is a problem. For everyone involved.

WH said last night when he called "What if I do all this work and things don't work out?"

I said "So you are not willing to take a chance on that?"

He's not so sure. He's not sure he wants to do the work. Be honest. Be accountable. Be someone to be respected.

Heck, he's had secret adultery cell phones given to him by the OW (which I discovered). Pre-paid phone cards (which I recently discovered). For all I know, he has a pre-paid cell phone hidden somewhere.

But, like you, I'm tired of being a PI.

He still hasn't given me any proof of anything.

I'm not fooled. I guess being cynical is part of my nature. This situation has really brought it out in full force.

I told WH last night that ALL the steps inbetween where we are now, and where he wants us to be have to be taken before we can move on from this nightmare, and into an honest, loving relationship.

I don't know if he is capable of taking those steps.

Yeah, it sucks. For him. If he can't take those steps, he is the one who loses.

K