I am in a relationship with a man much older than myself. I've always been very happy that we have been able to avoid most of the pitfalls that come with May/December over the past three/almost four years. But we seem to have a recurring problem with his ex-wife and her inability to be concious of the boundaries between our relationships. Now, he and I have argued about it so much and so often, that I've been turned into "the bad guy."

In the beginning of our relationship, his ex-wife was very quiet. I didn't hear much from her except in the way of management of the children they have together. (Dropping off, picking up, etc.) I imagine that she was in a very happy place with her current husband - the man she left my fiance for. One innappropriate thing she did was to ask my fiance's sister if she could rent her beach house to get married in. I'm not kidding. The EX WIFE called her EX SISTER IN LAW to see if she could use her house to MARRY THE MAN SHE'D LEFT HER BROTHER FOR. Am I selfish to think that's highly innapropriate? Well, since we had only been together for a year or so, I laughed it off with amazement, as did my fiance.)

Other than that, she was very quiet until my fiance asked me to marry him. He asked me in a very public way by having a billboard painted with his proposal to me. Her response, according to her children was "Are you SERIOUS? That's them?" when they informed her the billboard was for us. She proceeded to call one of my fiance's sisters and ask them if we were "that serious." My soon-to-be sister in law's response was "Yes. They are."

And that's when the deluge of what I consider innapropriate contact with my fiance started. This past year, she:

1. Wrote my fiance a letter when she began to have trouble with her now-husband. (The man she left him for!) She wrote to him to tell him that she might be leaving him; that he was addicted to pornogrpahy, alcohol and marijuana; that their children were safe, but that she might not be married to "this man" for much longer; that her relationship with my fiance was the best she'd ever had and that she was sorry she gave it up for material things. . .and so on.

2. When the couple did separate, she asked if she could rent one of my fiance's sister's condos to live in for the duration of the separation. Thankfully, the sister in law said that it was rented.

3. Later, when she and her current husband were able to "work things out", she still continued to ask my fiance for advice on things like whether she should add another dog to her household (she already has one she can't take care of); who was the best car/heating and air/home/electronic repair man she knew. . .etc.

4. Also, when she and her current husband decided to start a business, she asked my fiance if they could, perhaps, advertise through HIS business. . .even though it was direct competition with one of my fiance's most loyal friends and clients.

The latest foray into innapropriate behavior on her end was a Christmas Card that she sent. In the years my fiance and I have been together, she has never once sent a Christmas Card. This year, she sent one to our home with the CHILDREN'S name as the return address. But when you opened the card, it was addressed only to my fiance and signed Love, Ginny (not her name, just one I threw in there). Not "Love, Bobby and Johnny." Not "Love, your boys." Not "Love Ginny, Rick (her current husband) and the boys." Just her name. Directed to him. That's all.

Every time she does something like this, it hurts me. And I let my fiance know. And perhaps a Christmas Card should be a very begnign thing, and maybe it's a really small thing. . .but it struck a nerve with me.

I didn't start an argument with him, I just went into the shower and cried. He eventually came in to check on me and asked me what was wrong. And somehow, me telling him about how I felt about yet ONE MORE of her innapropriate contacts, I'm somehow the bad guy.

His response, after a long argument was "Fine! I'll tell her not to have any contact with you anymore, ever."

Which is NOT what I asked. He sent her an e-mail basically blaming me and saying that I was demanding that she not call our home anymore unless it was to talk to the boys, that she not send any more Christmas Cards, etc. etc.

That is NOT what I asked him to do, either.

I simply wanted him to tell HER that WE wish that she would think a little harder when it came to her contact with him; that she needed to back off on asking him advice for things that are really none of his business. . .

Anyway, I don't know why this hurts me so badly. But it does and I can't stop crying about it. And his response towards me is exasparation. . .he won't go to a counselor. . .he gets very angry when I suggest that maybe he really doesn't love me and that we DO need to part. . .

I just don't know what to do!

His children from their marriage live right in our town. He sees them EVERY DAY of the week; they spend every weekend with us. It's not like they are growing boys that he is missing and needs photographic evidence. . .they are here! He sees them! And I've NEVER ONCE suggested that she have "NO CONTACT" with my fiance at all. THAT is ridiculous! What I *have* asked for is for him to draw very clear lines as to what is appropriate for them to discuss. I don't think problems with her current husband are appropriate discussion for her to have with him; I don't think household issues relating to anything other than the children should be up for discussion, either.

PLEASE give me some opinions as to what to do! He and I have gone over one of the Harley books, we've tried the questionaiires on-line; but no matter what I do, I'm the bad guy; I'm the one "sabotoging" our relationship. . .

Maybe a naive question, but here goes: Why don't you just block her out of your mind? Why don't you just ignore her, refer her contacts to your H?

Hi Amy, Ive been on both ends here so will offer what I can for what its worth. My h ex does many of the things you describe. I guess it could irk me if I let it. To tell you the truth it doesnt..The way I see it , if he were to make the choice to return to her then so be it. (really, I believe it would be his loss anyway) but I know he wont do that.
Also, one of my ex's who I was very close
to have kept in contact . He is married and so am I .....However we share a strong connection simply because of our history but I have no intention whatsoever of opening that door again.......ever.
He recently told me his current wife feels uncomfortable about his contact with me but that he considers our friendship to important to let go of. At the end of the day it really only lowered his opinion of her and was not a positive thing for their relationship I dont think.
I know it can be hard but believe me, you must believe in your own value enough to KNOW absolutely that you are a unique woman and that your fiance is privelidged to have you in his life. We can never stop someone making their own decsions (and dont want to) so trust him enough to know that he is smart enough to make a decsion of loving you and staying true to you. As for the ex.......Who cares what delusions she may (or may not have)....it no skin off your nose. Best wishes, hope it works out

Thought I posted a response. . ."operator error"!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, thank you very much for your thoughts and insights. While I don't necessarily agree with everything that's been said, I see a great deal of value in your thoughts on the subject. . .

On another board, it was posted "You need to feel respected, and he is not providing that. Once you fix that, this woman's attempts at him won't bother you, you'll feel secure again." THAT hit the nail on the head. It's probably less about her and her innapropriate contact than it is about this!!!

Secondly, "I know it can be hard but believe me, you must believe in your own value enough to KNOW absolutely that you are a unique woman and that your fiance is privelidged to have you in his life. We can never stop someone making their own decsions (and dont want to) so trust him enough to know that he is smart enough to make a decsion of loving you and staying true to you. As for the ex.......Who cares what delusions she may (or may not have)....it no skin off your nose." You're absolutely right. . .although the thought of him not "being true" NEVER entered my mind!!! How's that for a laugh! I have never, ever once worried about whether he would (physically) "cheat" on me. It never occured to me. It's the last thing on my mind, actually. I also never thought that they would ever "get back together." I just. . .you know, I just wish that things were like they were when she was happy with her spouse. . .QUIET. STRICTLY BUSINESS RE: THE KIDS. But both of you are right . . .if my F/H is shrugging his shoulders saying "So what? She's an IDIOT.", why should it bother me???

It's just hard to ignore. . .and I just don't feel he's respecting my feelings. . .

Anyway, thank you both so much for taking the time to answer. I really, truly appreciate it!