These are things I wrote and often were in reponse to things he wrote. He doesn't think he can ever make me happy, and he also doesn't think at this time that he has what it takes to WANT to make our marriage work. He says he's tired and hurt by our marriage.

His last email to me was simple - "You have indeed made some progess Jan. You have a good day at work as well."

But here's my responses to his emails (only some of them)

"You DON'T have the things with in you that I need to live a joyful and fulfilled life - you are absolutely right. I don't think anyone ever will - where does true happiness live? With in each one of us. I am learning to make my own happiness, dear one. Slow baby steps, just feeling content in knowing that I got through today with out tears, I laughed with the kids, got some work done and participated in the lives of some very special people. That is GOOD for me - I did something I never thought possible."

"There is no perfect solution Bill to any of this. We are not perfect either but we have to stop looking for the perfect person in each other and learn how to love the person we have."

"PIece our marriage back together? NOT if it means returning to those horrible hurts and habits that we have indured for years. I want something different. And I think with good communication, an open mind and heart, we could get there. But it is not somethign we can rush through. There is no "instant cure" for our marraige. If there was - I'd not want it this time. The "cures" in the past were not true and they only served to tear us apart further. I do not want to go through a few more years of wondering when the
shoe was going to drop again. I have to take care of myself this time. And the time may come (not yet - and I don't know if it ever will) when I realize that I don't want a marriage anymore, or should I say a relationship with you. Then I will embrace divorce and move on. But right now - I am not there. Can I give you space - yes I think I can. But I still miss you, I still want our family reunited and I still will pour myself into finding out who I am. And I will find my own happiness - away from the fears and anger."

Any input - I think I am being pretty clear.

How about a nice Plan B letter asking him to stop contacting you so you can retain some sanity and take back control of your life?

ML - you are right - I know it - I just don't know how to do this. He and I have an appointment to go to marriage counseling on Jan. 6. He made the appointment. He thinks it will help us at the very least learn to communicate. And then we see where we go from there.

He did severe the relationship with the other woman - I don't remember if I said that already. It's not a NC no letter this time. Although he said it was indefinitely. I don't know - am I just being stupid.

Jan, do you not think you have bigger problems here than an inability to communicate? Your H has been in an affair for years and has just told you that he is PROUD of the weekend he spent with the OW and is in no way committed to your marriage. And he wants to go to mc to "communicate?" To "communicate" about what exactly?

It seems to me that he can "communicate" just fine and dandy. The problem in your marriage is that your H is in a long term affair and is no way interested in your marriage, much less monogamy.

To me, that is about like worrying about the fading paint in the girl's bathroom on the Titanic while the ship goes down.

The fact is that your H still wants to retain control of you so he can continue to destroy you and your marriage. And you choose to remain. Can I ask why you continue to make yourself available for this kind of manipulation and cruelty?

When will you step up to the plate and take back control of your life, Jan? When will you ever give your H some motivation to change his cruel, shabby behavior?

That's really cute. You have the word of a liar. And you have heard this all before and he has let you know that he sees nothing wrong with having the affair as long as it suits him. He is not interested in your marriage and has told you he does not feel he is obliged to be monogamous. Temporary no contact with the OW changes none of that.

So no contact - absolutely no contact is the best way to take back control of my life? We are finally communicating -saying some important things. I don't want to shut that down!

I feel if I push him about the OW and no really no contact with her he'll saw - no #$%^&(@ way - I am not going to that for you again. Then what - what do I do then?

I have some people in my life who are telling me, bide your time, let things cool down, Give him space, don't push so hard, work on yourself - find what makes you happy outside of him. My MIL says we have both been hurt so much it will take time to heal. Right now there isn't any reason to come back. I never did a plan A - I went right into the last 3 weeks of h#ll, love busting all the way - tears, begging pleading, etc. IN the last 48 hours I ahve finally found some peace. He tells me his bank is past empty rith now - so what do I do!!

And then I hear from everyone - push, push and right to plan B.

You can listen to your friends and family who are extremely close to the situation and continue doing the same thing over and over...


OR

You can listen to the many people here who have used methods that worked to build themselves up and often built a new marriage for themselves.

Your call.

Jan, yes you are communicating. Your H has communicated that he is not interested in his marriage and is very proud of his weekend screwing the OW. He has communicated that he is not committed to your marriage and is entitled to other women if the spirit moves him. All communication is not good communication. Quality does count.

The reason your H has been in this affair for years on end is because you have set no boundaries for yourself. You have essentially enabled this affair to carry on for YEARS. By ending contact with him, you are setting protective boundaries letting him know that you are not interested in pursuing the marriage as it is. That your boundaries dictate that he end all contact with a no contact letter and commit to the marriage. [please read ark's suggestion about mention of the OW, though, I thought she had some good ideas.]

However, if you have no boundaries and are happy with the status quo, then there is no reason to go into Plan B or try to change the status quo. It sounds like you are perfectly happy with things as they are. If that is the case, then don't bother.


But he did't do that for you, or for the marriage. He told you this. And you only have his word - broken continuously over the years - that contact has been ended. He doesn't give a damn about your marriage.

Jan,
from the email last night, I don't see that he is very interested in rebuildig a marriage. I'm sorry for that.

However, that does not mean it is hopeless.

There are lots and lots of folks on here who will tell you how the plans A and B have helped them.

No, not every marriage is saved. However, bhy following the plans you know you have given it your best shot.

I think what bothers me the most is the fact that he has broken off 'indefinately' Hello! That could mean for the next 30 minutes, the next 30 days or the next 6 months. What kind of hope is that to build a marriage on? Not much of one.

No Contact means NO CONTACT. Do not settle for less. To do so, shows no respect for yourself or your marriage.

I am not trying to be cruel here, but if you have been getting such good advice from friends and family, why aren't things better? You have tried it their way. Now, maybe it is time to listen to Mel and the other vets and step back and go dark.

Honey, if he is in a long time affair and shows no remorse, going dark has to be better than seeing him and talking to him and the emotions that cause each time you have contact with him.

(((Jan)))

Well, I am going to give my opinion which is the flip side to the rest of the advice you have been given. Let me qualify this with the fact that I am not in recovery yet, but am working towards it. I have been in Plan A for 6 months...way too long for most here, but I am not ready for Plan B. To me, Plan B is when you have Plan A'd your butt off, made some crucial changes in your personal life, and are now ready for whatever lies ahead be it divorce or recovery.

I do feel like your WH is being disrespectful and is completely in the wrong, but he is communicating with you and I think that is good. I would say give Plan A a good try. No LB. When WH comes to pick up the kids, be looking your best and happy, happy!!

You say your WH wants to go to marriage counseling. I think that is a good idea. That way you can say some things in the presence of the counselor that you may not be able to say otherwise.

I know that all the others here will disagree with me, but this is just my opinion and a different look at your situation.

All the best to you!

he has diarrhea of the mouth....

I for one would not entertain pointless self entitlement communication for one nano-second....

he wants to find himself....
set him free......

that letter is such a joke...it's not communicating it's self proclamation of entitlement to selfish abandoning children behavior with some latin thrown in,,...

it is Pathetic...

He owes no apology....for leaving his kids to go to another OW while still married...

as my six year old would say..

for real?

what could you possible have to say to someone who believes such chaotic bull....

teach him
instruct him
redirect him...

feh...
I'd let him mellow, bubble and stew in all the self entitlement he can choke on...

and I'd get busy creating a life filled with love and stability for the children who need and deserve it...

not some fourty year old man on mission to find himself....

is there such things as merchent sailors anymore...perhaps he should head that way...

entertaining his bull is a dangerous mind game for you...already you call his spumage communication when in reality he is slyly seeking justification and rationalization....

this letter was not a step forward...it was proof of how dark his soul is right now...

go dear husband go free and find yourself...
as for me and mine we will be here celebrating life in the real world...with all it's wonderful ups and downs....

ARK^^