Neither one of has a lawyer yet. I mean I have two names, I had an appointment that I cancelled. But neither one has met with anyone. We would like to keep the lawyers out of this right now - he is giving me full support, we can make it financially with his apartment and the other household expenses for at least 4 months. Then things will start to gget tight. But right now we are making out OK. I am in the house - and that's where he wants me to be. Technically, his parents own the house (it's par tof the company holdings) and my MIL has stated emphatically that the children and I are to stay here indefinitely. This our home - and my WH would want us to stay here. She said I can stay for aslong as I want - the same as if we both were living here.

The thing that I am unsure about is what to do about visitation with the kids. I had to work today - the boys had gone to a friends for the afternoon and I called to check on my 15 year old DD. She wasn't home - I called her cell and she was WH - he had stopped by and invited her to lunch. Fine - funny though - he's NEVER done this before. And just a few minutes ago he called DD's cell phone and asked if she would like to go with him to Barnes and Noble as he needs to return something he got for Christmas that is defective. She asked me - I said yes - what was I suppose to say.

But it gets me - I would love to be able to take my DD to Barnes and Noble - but let me see - I ahve 6 loads of laundry to do, dinner to make and 2 other children. I am pooped after working all day. And besides - he use to take ME with him to Barnes and Noble - it was one of our favorite after dinner haunts.

I need help setting some boundries. Any suggestions?

If you ever have a need to go to Barnes and Noble, go ahead and go and take your daughter with you. You have that right...but so does he. Frankly, I read a lot about soon-to-be-ex-spouses who don't care about their children enough to call them, take them to lunch, or anywhere else. Instead of being faintly jealous (pardon me for that unkind interpretation of your words) shouldn't you feel glad he's not taking that route?

You write as if you two have agreed the marriage is over. Is that incorrect? If not, you must understand that a divorce changes every dynamic in your relationship with him. You CAN'T expect him to take YOU to Barnes and Noble, for Pete's sake. That was something you did as a married couple. You aren't going to be a couple in the (near?) future.

Yes, you have the wash to do...and so will he. He'll have to make his own dinner after working all day and if he's any kind of man, he'll WISH he had the kids to deal with in addition to all that.

One of the few boundaries in the area of visitation I can think of is that his wishes to see the children don't take precedence when the kids are already scheduled for...oh, a school event, a family meeting/get together, a family vacation…something like those. On the other hand, since it appears he still wants an active role as a father to his children, he should be able to see them on a regular basis and be able to invite them to go places with him. A second boundary might be that you must know about it in advance. Perhaps you are only comfortable with it if he calls and asks for the contact. Perhaps you can live with maybe them (at least the teenagers?) calling to let you know where they will be. This should be negotiated, but I urge you not to cut off their contact with their father because you and he are splitting.

I don't want to cut off contact. And yes - I am jealous. And no - we haven't decided a divorce is the only answer. We are trying to give it some time - cool down (the last few weeks have been beyond intense). The kids need their father.

I on the other hand - struggle to find a place where I don't need him. I still love him, miss him, long to talk with him, laugh together, and just have fun again. I miss so many things about him, the morning cup of coffee he use to bring me (I have yet to make a pot on my own since he left), that is a small thing - imagine the things that I really cherished.

Today for the first time in three weeks he smiled at me - he asked about my day at work and I smiled and told him it was a good day (you have to understand this is a big trigger for us - he admits he has no interest in my career). So when he asked I must have looked funny - I know I felt like giggling - he smiled and chuckled and then asked again. I gladly told him it was a good day for me. And then he left. Now that's not a big thing to most - but it meant something to me.

I know I am rambling. I am so lonely in the evenings these days, I miss the human contact, I am a creature of touch - the highlight of my day was a hug from one of my patients. The only hug or human contact in 48 hours (other than my kids). I crave it - need it. I feel so shrivled up inside.

A bit of advice from someone who was promised financial support and then went through a divorce.....

GET IT IN WRITING!!!

Even if you don't want to get a lawyer involved in a divorce proceeding yet, get the advice of a lawyer.

Get their advice about the kids too.

I didn't. My ex and I figured we would both always put the needs of the kids first. Well, your ideas about money, housing and what's best for the kids and each other may very well change.

$14,000 later I look back over months of legal wrangling and wasted money. Had I simply spent a few hundred...****** even a few thousand on a lawyer...or even just got advice on a course of action, a lot of heartache, stress and money would have been saved.

I had the most sympathetic and devoted mother-in-law. Look back over my posts! I couldn't have imagined that just the other day I would have seen her and she would refuse to look my way for even a wave and be on her way back to her son's house for a month long visit with him and his wife (formerly the OW).

Divorce can change things in ways we can't imagine. Sometimes it doesn't happen that way, but I'd take the time to get advice and an agreement in writing before making any decisions.

FIM

Oh, FIM. I'm so sorry about this.

Again and again this is reported. The ILs are terribly supportive until it becomes socially uncomfortable, and then they cave.

Blood is usually thicker than water, it seems.

TA

Speaking from experience, I wholeheartedly second FIM's suggestion to GET IT IN WRITING!

My STBX started out just like yours, wanting us to stay in the house, providing support without complaint, etc. (although he didn't spend any time with the kids and never even said goodbye to them). Within two months of leaving, he refused to provide a dime and told me he wanted me and the children out of the house so he could 'get his money' from selling it.

I ended up having to take him to court for child support, living on my tiny income for four months in the interim. The kids and I faced losing the house because I couldn't make the mortgage payments and buy food, pay the electric bill, etc. I shudder to think what would have happened had my parents not supported me financially.

My inlaws were also very supportive, at first. A BIL even offered to send money when STBX wouldn't provide support. Now my inlaws have totally accepted MOW and think I am a horrible witch for taking STBX to court and exposing the affair to MOW's parents.

I only wish I had borrowed the money to get a lawyer sooner, within days after STBX left. It would have saved a lot of money, time, and stress.

Another scary thought (sorry, but it is worth considering).

My lawyer told me that without an order of custody/visitation on file with the court, there would be nothing I could do if STBX took the children and refused to return them to me.

Edited to add: I am in no way suggesting you shouldn't let your WH spend time with your children. I wish mine had spent time with our kids. I just mean that the sooner there is an order filed with the court, the safer you will be if things get ugly.