Hi all,

i'm new here and i've been married for 1 yr. 2 mo. My H and I dated for 1 1/2 yrs. before getting married. When we were dating my H had/has a female friend that I always wondered about. Now he has other women friends that I never thought twice about; I never got a "weird" feeling from them, but I always felt this "electricity" between my H and this particular woman. I asked him if anything had ever happened between him and he told me "No" they have always been friends. So I accepted that statement and tried to push down that nagging feeling. About 1 year before our marriage I found old e-mails that they wrote to each other. They were written before I was even in the picture and they were very erotic, emotional and loving. What was unsettling to me was this woman was engaged at the time and my H wanted her to make a choice w/this other guy. I believe that she enjoyed the attention she was getting and backed down when he asked her to be with him. It was all for the sake of her ego. So my H accepted her getting married to the other guy and continued to be friends with her and even loaned her $$ for her wedding. I felt betrayed because I felt that he didn't tell me the truth when I asked him if they had something between them. Anyway, when I found all this out we had already made our decisions for who was going to be standing up in the wedding. At the time I agreed that she could be a "bridesmaid" on his side. I confronted him about the e-mails and he said they were none of my business and nothing "happened" between them. I tried to explain my thoughts that it felt like cyber-sex in a way and I didn't feel comfortable having her stand up. I suggested she do a reading instead. Well, all ****** broke loose and H told me if she wasn't in the wedding there would be no wedding for us at all. So I shut my mouth and tried to suck it up. Fast forward 1 1/2 years now married and I'm 4 months pregnant. I again find e-mails where H is being very flirtatous and sexual with this woman. He has asked her about her underwear, what she is wearing, if she has bought maternity thongs (she is 6 months preg.), if she'll give him kisses for doing him favors, earlier in the year he was talking about breast size with her and when she coyly responded how my H likes small breasts he responded with "well, let me sample yours again so i can refresh my memory." H told me a couple of weeks ago that they go out for lunch every 2 weeks and that nothing has happened with them the entire time we have been together. He has also told me that the old e-mails have nothing to do with me b/c we weren't together at the time. So what about now? He's married to me and he's writing this stuff to her and she's responding. I haven't brought it up to him yet and just wanted some opinions. I don't like it one bit and I have asked him to cut ties with her for now until he and I have becaome more secure with our marriage. He refuses to give up his friend.

Thanks in advance!

It's an affair. He crossed the line and you allowed it by deferring to his wish to have her in the bridal party. Does her H know about the emails?

First thing to do if you want to save your marriage is expose the affair to the OW's H. Print out or copy the emails and keep a copy in a safe place. They should be given to the OW's H.

Go to How Affairs Should End. Also read up on Plan A and Plan B. Can't write much now; our son is home & we are going out.

Breaking up an EMA is all counterintuitive to what you think you should do. Hopefully others will come & help you soon.

I agree he is over the line. This emotional attachment outside your marriage is an affair. I suggest you get him to a MC. Any decent MC will listen to you, then look him in the eye and say 'you are having an affair'. Having it labelled by a professional counselor will change the dynamic.

What to do after that? Not sure; it depends on how your H reacts. Surely he already knows he is behaving badly and disrespectfully towards you and your M. And that hasn't affected his behavior. So I would guess you are in for a long difficult time.

Be strong; you can face whatever is to come. You will find lots of help at MB. Good luck and God Bless.

I agree with the above posters. It's an affair and it needs to be exposed. Read the boards and take the advice it does work. Don't back down on what you want. Take Care

Well, you had your warning before you married him. If my intended told me there would be no wedding over some woman being in the wedding party, I would have said "fine".

You are at a disadvantage because you have appeased him so long. Try to read the things here, and then you will need to confront him.

Your problem is going to be that this affair (and it is an affair), isn't due to him being emotionally neglected. It is because he has become used to being entitled to his nasty behavior.