Venting.....MY WS/H is deeply entrenched in creating his SA and I assume I'll receive it in the next few weeks. The D would be final I imagine in the end of March, beginning of April. We do not speak at all now, it's purely a matter of paperwork now. On Christmas, I sent a text msg wishing him a nice holiday, and did get a reply. I know to not see anything in this, beyond a nice gesture. It was a rough Christmas, and New Year's Eve being around the corner, I know he's coming home to spend it with the OW.

I am continuing Plan A on myself. Spending more time with friends and family and realizing the role my H played in my life was important, but that I can still find happiness and comfort in myself. MY EN are not being met by anyone other than me, and in that, going through this D process while alone, is really difficult. I have my rollercoaster days, and there are many, but I know I'll be fine. I still pray that somehow, someday our paths would cross again, and maybe his heart open up to me again, but that's only hope.

For now I know that his EN are being filled by his coworker, and he's pushed me out of his life completely, with the D sealing the deal.

He read this book called Letting Go. I spent a day reading it in the bookstore, and was sick to the stomach after doing so. It's a 180 degrees off from anything that the MB site recommends. But I know it is inevitable. It's like a 12 step process for letting someone go from your heart/mind/life....it was the pages about keeping the anger in your mind to convice your heart that you feel nothing that was horrible to read...I'm trying so hard to let go of the anger, and just be at peace. IT's so hard. SO SO Hard....

sorry, about the vent.....lacking strength today in accepting the D is the only way he sees a resolution now.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

{{{{{sadinthe city}}}} -my heart goes out to you.

Sad - Just wanted to give you some support. This is so difficult for you. Keep concentrating on you!!

Realtor and Lost,

Thanks for your support. I love rollercoasters, but this is one ride I would love to get off of. Keeping my hands on the safety bar today, trying to focus on work. It's really hard because I've been promised the SA for months now, and in those months I've been Plan A'ing, and praying that somehow we would not get to the D as he told me he wasn't ready for it that it was hard for him too. I guess I put too much hope into thinking his heart would change, but knowing he has feelings for the OW now, and I'm sure they've reached the PA stage, I know she's pressuring him to legally end it with me, as he once wrote that she would not wait around if we did not legally separate or D. He had a pro/con list to separate or not separate, it noted losing any opportunity with me, but losing her as well if we didn't separate.

The things that stick in my mind and haunt me are knowing that he was so unsure about ending us, I saw it in writing, she's pushing him, I wonder if he made up his own mind or if it's just her pressure that has pushed him into D mode - the fog that the clean slate relationship will be the best resolution to his past....my IL's are pushing too, our friends, feedback from MB site previoulsy encouraging him to end it, seems like all odds are against it.

It's time to face the music, and as so many people have told me both friends and strangers, you get what you deserve. I guess that holds true for everyone though. Maybe one day she will leave him for someone else. I shouldn't think that way. I know. I should just let him go. Sort of like the old adage, if you love someone set them free, if they return to you they are yours forever, if not they never were. I need to stop beating myself up over it all and know that the negativity and pain will soon be gone and that there's a better life on the other side.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> riding the roller coaster today,
sad