well i have been posting for a while in Plan A. I am in Plan A and have been officially 2 months or so. I just recently got info on who OW is but i haven't exposed to OWH H has been exposed in the beginning(4 months ago)but denied to everyone and still does to this day.

I have just been dangling what i found out to him, so he knows that i know exactly who, what, when and where...NOW for sure. In hopes he will end the A, but he hasn't as of yet and it is really getting to me. He will not file legal seperation but doesn't want to talk about us AT ALL, refuses to talk about our M, working on it, nothing...for 4 months. We see each other everyday. He is living next door at his mom's and comes over everyday, calls me everyday.

I am so confused about what to do! things seem better between us, he wants to be around me, but not answer any questions or come home. He is still having an A, i am sure of it. He can't live without me, but doesn't want me all at the same time...gets angry when i push him to give me an answer about our M, then says hurtful things...and then calls to apologize later. DO I EXPOSE TO OWH? i need an end to this...but i am really scared to do it. I am afraid that we have come so far in 4 months, me exposing would ruin what we have gained...but i am not sure we have gained anything...and i can't live this way any longer...

any advice ???

I went through the same decision. Finally at the urging of many experienced MB posters I did expose, and boy am I glad I did. I believe it stopped the A cold, right there.

Like you, I felt we had made some progress. More than that, my WW had threatened to D me if I were to expose. Ultimately I decided we were likely to go down the tubes either way, and would rather be damned for taking action and exposing than for doing nothing.

We had other problems subsequently, but not as huge or perilous for our M. Only you can make the decision, but I am glad I faced my fears and decided to expose.

EXPOSE, EXPOSE ALL INVOLVED. Your first step in busting up an affair is to expose both parties, especially OP if married, engaged, etc. Nothing will put a "kink" in an affair like a pissedoff spouse....

The second step to exposing is dealing with the WS's incredible anger for ruining their lives (or their affair)....

Strap in and hold on...we'll get you through it....

Your marriage has little hope as long as the affair is going on. The quickest way to end the affair is to expose it. Contact her husband.

I don't have much evidence, just phone records from August and her maiden name.

My H and I are in bad financial stress, OWH makes $$$$$$$! So i KNOW...she never planned on leaving him...unless she took his $$ with her. Why would she want my almost bankrupt H??? her tag says spoiled 1 on it. She old (almost 10 years older than he) and scanky!!!

I am really scared of doing it but i know...if i want to reslove this...i gotta do something. So will he admit anything after i expose? He is still in denial about it, so what should i expect his mood to be like when he finds out???

Aren't you more scared of losing your H to the OW? He doesn't have to "admit" what you already know, dear. Quit asking him if he did it, you already know he did. Just tell him you KNOW and dont' act like you need his admission.

When he finds out you exposed he will be FURIOUS and will rant and rave at you. You won't get a medal for taking the crack pipe away from the crack addict and shouldn't expect one. But your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it can't survive the affair.

Just remember what your mission is here: BUST UP THE AFFAIR AT ALL COST TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE.

It is NOT to appease him at all cost. Appeasement will get you nothing.

Yep, Melody is right he will be angry, and will say some of the following:

When exposed, the WS will usually say that now you've done it, this is the last straw, I was going to work on the marriage, but now it's divorce time, how could you hurt the other family, you're crazy, this is none of your business, you are trying to control me, blah, blah, blah.

They usually have a big interest in what the OP or their spouse said, and want all of the details. I think this is so they can start damage control.

Exposure is scary for most people...and it will be HE!! for your H as well, but most of the time it's the most effective weapon against the affair that the BS has.

Don't worry about how much "proof" you have. Even if you've just got proof that he's been calling her all the time, that's enough. If you really want to, do a search on 'emotional affairs' and print out information on what they are, how they work, and how devestating they are to a marriage. And when you expose to family and friends, give them a copy of that information as well.

Let them know WHY you're exposing too. You're not trying to be evil here...what you ARE trying to do is to get their help in putting an end to the affair. You're asking them to talk with him, to let him know that they do NOT condone what he's doing, that he needs to put a stop to it and start fixing his marriage. Make it clear it's NOT revenge you're after...it's repairing your marriage. And that it cannot start while he's still in contact with "Ms. Spoiledgoods".

Do NOT tell him what you're going to do first...do a pre-emptive strike to prevent him and OW from doing damage control before it becomes common knowledge. Expose to family, friends, etc...and yes, expose to OWH as well. Do it all at one swoop where you can. Call him, then call your family and friends, H's family and friends, let them all know what's going on as close to the same time as possible. And when you're done, call your H and let him know what you've done, and why.

Be aware of this...he's going to go INSANE. He will be more angry at you than you've ever seen...EVER! He'll call you names, he'll do all kinds of horrible things...he'll blame you for EVERYTHING...because you've just ruined his little paradise. This is NORMAL...expect it. And IGNORE it.

Keep posting here...you'll find this helps a lot when dealing with this.

Oh, I almost forgot - He probably will say he will never trust you again. Had to throw that one in, it's a classic.

heheheeeeee

All you need to ask yourself regarding exposure is how would you feel if he (OWH) brought all of that evidence to you?

Phone records and her maiden name? Only August? Get more evidence but it would appear that they're in an EA at the least.

Expose to him what you know but NOT HOW you know it. He will lie through his teeth. Stay vigilant in knowing his whereabouts. He may confess but I doubt it. Gather up more evidence and once it is fool proof present to him and OWH...expose to friends, family...etc. Stay in Plan A

As far as $$ go...many folks who engage in affairs risk more than money so don't think it is a factor because it is not, at least while the A is young...

Good luck...

In all likelihood OWH will respond strongly and appropriately to OW, and that will end it. I expect your WH will be unreasonable and angry. Hopping mad. Crazy mad.

Doesn't matter; you still need to do it for your M. It's not fair that you need to be the one to do this and face his unjustified anger, but that's just the way it is. If you want to save your M you need to be the strong and sane one.

After a few weeks your WH will come to his senses. Until then you can expect a lot of discomfort. In my case that angry period lasted about a month before my WW's anger started slipping away. 4 months later we're still not where we want the M to be, but we are working together and trying to make a better M.

With help from MB you will get through it.

I know i need to do it, but i am afraid they may have cooked up a story to tell him about me before hand...she told me in the beginning ( i talked to her...they are just friends you know...right...) that her H knew of her friendship with him...i don't believe it but it is possible since i have been dangling things in his face...

what if this man thinks i am looney? have i done any good then? It isn't that i don't have the b*lls to do it...i have been by his work once...he was off...so i thought God was telling me to wait. Now...i am just getting really p*ssed off and want an end.

so if i go today...i should expect H to be angry, but he still denies...says i am crazy...there is noone...go and tell OWH....laughing at me...then says...as long as you think you have the right person...just don't want you to make an *ss of your self...i know that is just him being defensive...

How long does the anger last???? especially if he is wavering back in forth with me like he is...he will hate me at first...but then what?

Go tell the man, jaysmom. It is your best hope in ending the affair. It is your best hope in ending your H's wavering.

Good chance OWH has seen it before. He'll say 'Oh no not again'. etc. He won't have any problem believing you. I had the same fear, I was wrong.

Have you exposed the affair to his mother and his family? That exposure needs to be done also. On the same day that you expose him to OMW. This will ensure that your H feels the maximum impact of exposure. And since he will be angry, you might as well make it worth your money. Go all the way and do it right.

Exposure Priority List

1. OMW
2. H Mother
3. rest of key members in H's family
4. close friends
5. your family
6. his Human Resource dept if this is a workplace affair

everyone knows (apparently except my husband ha!) His mom has known since the day he moved in with her, but she is a push over...she tells him she doesn't agree...but doesn't do anything else.

his friends, my family, his family, most of the guys at work (the ones that matter) all know... they know he is involved with someone...he denied it all to them ...they let it go. No one saying anything to him. (he doesn't have any friends...just one...really)

so he was exposed early on...everyone knew...but i didn't know WHO....until now.

which is best ...exposing in person to OWH in person or by phone?

I did both. Phone call, then met in person to show I was for real.