Never say never ... I have someone beside me, Lady Elina. We are "negotiating" on our plan to get M next year. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> . It is all based on MB ... LU$ is overflowing like Napa river flood right at this moment.

I set my journey w/ or w/o my WW ... have no regret, only overwelming happiness. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> .

I do believe all of us would find it if we take the right step and do it with the right time frame.

-rh-

Hurting - my husband and I watched the extended version of "The Two Towers" from Lord of the Rings and it would be good for you to see visually what the affair has done to your husband through a new set of eyes.

Imagine that you are Eowin - niece of King Theoden. Your cousin has been killed in battle, and your brother banished, while your King sits in a Saroman-induced fog - the fog ages him, whithers this tower of a man you once knew. He doesn't recognize you and his voice is not his own. You do not have the power to separate him from this leach of a man who keeps your King under the spell of evil. All while your King's kingdom is being pillaged and burned by that evil.

Now, transfer those same feelings to your real life situation. Your husband is somewhere in that whithering shell that once was a man - he is under the spell of evil. He willingly stepped into that relationship and was lost to its spell. Meanwhile everything in his life is turning to ruin.

Pity the man. But do not suppose that you have the power to bring him out of that fog. That is God's work. But you must maintain the fight long enough by refusing to cater to the will of evil - do not allow what a fog-induced man does to lower your resolve or to violate your feelings. This shell is not your husband. What that shell says has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the will of evil - what evil wants you to think of yourself.

Kayla,

That is a very good description of the fog. I have seen the movies so I know what your talking about.

I do pity him, I feel sorry for him that he is living in such a state and trying to project on to me.

I am trying hard to fight the evil but somedays its just so hard.

I am still praying for the day when the fog may lift. I do know it may never happen but I just can't imgine that.

If/when this divorce happens I just don't know how I will handle it. I just know that he will live to regret it and if/when he does will I be able to forgive all he has put me through. I can forgive the A and all the things that happened, but if he goes so far as divorce I don't know if I can forgive that.

I know it sounds stupid I can forgive the A but not a divorce. I guess its because the divorce is something so final and truely a way out of my life as a husband. It does not make sense I know but its how I feel right now....

I know right now he is no husband either but we are still tied together in the eyes of the law and God. Once a divorce happens we no longer have those ties. I am just so confused right now, I want to fight this divorce on one hand and hope to drag it out to see if he gets it. But on the other hand I don't want to fight because I am so tired of the hurt and pain, it would just seem easier to let him go so I can get my life together and not live in a state of limbo.

I don't want the divorce but will draggin it out just hurt me more? In my mind yes because it will make him mad and just cause more LB'S from him. But draggin it out also gives the chance for LB'S between him and OW which in turn could bust up the affair...

I just wish I knew which way to go .... I am so torn right now ...

It is a tough call Hurting.... I tried to drag mine out but I just could not take the emotional pain anymore. I loved my x dearly (and unfornutatly, still do) but the day of the divorce, I felt nothing. I would have been more worried about a traffic ticket hearing than my divorce. She sat there and cried and cried (what a show!).

It is very important to focus on you right now.

Keith

BHINWI,

Thanks for your replies.

I am going to start focusing on me... I have made a list of things I am going to do for myself this new year.

I have gotten back into my art something I let slide over these years. Reading is something I love to do and so I got soe books to read. I am even going to start bowling again, something WH and I did for so many years together. I think I can handle that now and I will be around my friends again.

I am going out looking good and feeling good even on days I don't really feel that way.... Fake it till ya make it they say.

I still pray WH w ill wake up someday but if not at least I will have done something good for me and life will be good.

Thanks again for the support.....

Hurting,

Do pray for your WH - pray that he will come to his senses, and see what he has done.

Yes, get into things, hobbies, books, anythng positive. I read so many books on cheating spouses, grief recovery, fixing marraiges, etc. that I think I am an expert. Go out with friends, heck go out by yourself! I started going to movies on my own - awkard at first.. But hey, I did not need to share popcorn.

You have rough days ahead and you will have good days. I promise you that you will get through the rough ones.

Have a nice evening. I will check in tomorrow. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Keith

Keith,

I appreciate you checking in on me. Today was a good day. I did some stuff around the house. I have bought everything new for my bedroom in a new color. I am throwing out all the things that made it our bedroom. I really like the way it looks now and its something just for me. It's like a whole new room never been touched by the WH...

I am off work the next 2 days so I have many things planned. First I have to get all the Chritmas stuff put away and going to rearrange my living room....

Today I have IC appt. and tomorrow have an appt. with my attorney to pre-pare for this mediation thing. Not sure how thats gonna go but I have my list ready.....

I do pray everyday that WH wakes up and see's what he is doing .... I really worry though by the time he figures it our I won't care anymore... I don't want to get to that point but I can't control the time frame as much as I wish I could....

Things are looking up but I do dread next week when I have to see WH at mediation. I worry about falling apart and not being able to control my emotions. This will be only the second time i have seen him or spoken to him since Oct. 4.... Everytime I see him my heart just leaps and all the feelings come racing back to me..... I just don't know how to handle it....

I hope you have a good day ...... Again thanks for checking on me...


Hurting

Hurting,

You are doing good positive things and I am glad to hear it. And yes, seeing your WH is tough but you will get through it.

So what if you fall apart? It is real, honest emotion - tears lubricate the soul.

The feelings do come back when you see them. But I have found, they lessen over time (and I loved her so much, actually I still love her so much). But I don't love the pain she inflicted.

Life does go on my friend. You will walk out of this darkness and your eyes will be opened to an entire different world. I know it sounds corny, but you really will.

I am here for the long haul and so is everyone else for you.

Keith

Keith,

I am so glad I found this place it has helped me so much to be able to talk with people who understand.

The family tries but they just don't get it. They just want me to move on and forget about him. How do you just forget someone you were married to for so long and had a family with? How do you give up hope?

My IC told me today that I have got to stop trying to save him and let him fall ... I know this is true but just the thought of how hard he will fall hurts me.

She told me I am like the guy who knows the bridge is out and tries to warn people but most ignor the warning and drive off into the river and drown. She said thats what I am doing to WH I am trying to save him from falling into the river. She said your gonna have to let him fall in and hopefully be the helping hand to pull him from the dark waters before he drowns....

I am just so afraid by that time I won't be there anymore for him. I just wish he would realize this before its to late.....

Thanks for being here.....

Hurting

I just got home from the attorney.

It's not good news for me..... If we come to an agreement next Wed. during mediation I will walk out of there a divorced woman....

Nothing I can do to slow this down except not agree on anything... Then its up to the judge.

My attorney is going to ask for all I want but he says we probably won't get it even with a judge.

The adultry plays no part in this unless WH was seeking custody which he isn't. No even joint custody was in his papers.

I did dispute his living expenses though due to it being her apt. and utlities before WH was even there....

Since there is no custody dispute the 90 days thing does not count.... So he filed on the 22 of Dec. and by Jan11. I could be divorced....

I just can't believe how fast this happened and how he changed his mind from one week to the next....

There is nothing I can do now.... I have no choices in how this plays out ....

I hate him for this ,,, how could he throw away our lives so easy.....

Hurting,

I am getting the kids ready for bed. I will reply to your post tomorrow. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I got through it and so will you. I promise you will...

You gotta believe...

Keith

OK, that may just happen. I tell you I loved my wife more than any man ever could love his wife. I got through it and so will you.

I am a strong willed person and I got to the point where I just wanted it over with. You have to do what is best for you at this point. If you want to stall, then stall.

My friend - there is nothing fair about a divorce. It is the ultimate injustice. The acts of a WS are absolutely criminal, but they get away with it.

The no-fault laws that some states have make my blood boil. Where is the accountabilty??? Didn't your WH stand before you and promise to love you till death-do-you-part??? He broke that contract!
Consider yourself very lucky if he doesn't want joint custody. He will truly regret his decision on this eventually and you will not.

Again, the ultimate injustice.

I am so sorry - I really am. But if it happens, it happens. I know how you are feeling.... you will get through this!!!

Of course he changes his mind... Actually, he is an emotional wreck also. He is in the fog, he thinks he is in love...[/quote]

Yes and no... Maybe you can't stop the divorce, but you can take charge of you! I mean this from the bottom of my heart, and from my own experiences, you will be amazed at what you are capable of and the challenges you will overcome.

Hurting, of course you hate him and you have every right to. I really wish I could tell you why a WS flushes everything that is dear down the toilet. But they just do.

I want you to know, I am not trying to chear you up. You need to grieve, feel the pain, go through every horrible emotion. It is a terrible time in your life but it is a journey that is going to change you and change you for the better if you let it. You will walk out of this darkness with a new vision that you never knew existed. And remember, you will come out of the darkness.

Believe me, I and many others walk in your shoes...

Keith

Keith,

Thank you for the kind words of encouragement.

I will make it through this I know that. Its something I never in a million years ever thought would happen to me....

You know if we had a bad marriage over the years I might could say I could understand it. But we always got along and were there for each other up until the last year and a half.

Neither of us ever cheated, strayed or anything we were each others best friend. I am not deluded in my thinking I know these things to be true. So I just can't figure out how throwing away 24 yrs of love and commitment is so easy for him.

I guess I will never understand it and i need to stop trying.....

I do know in my heart one day he is going to regret this. He will see he is still living the same life but with just a different and strange person standing beside him. Someone I know would not stand beside him like I did....


Hurting

Almost same here... (At least I never strayed!!) But we always got along, we spent time together, agreed on almost everything, told each other we loved the other, I could go on, and on, and on.... To this day, nobody can believe we are divorced.

Hurting - he may come back you know (not to give you false hope). But I have seen lots of men come crawling back after they have made complete fools of themselves. Be ready...

In the meantime, pour all your energy (which is probably very little right now) into you!!! It is very important that you are eating properly. If you must, force the food down. Are you seeing a therapist? Have you gone to your doctor to discuss anti-d's?

Force yourself to do things.. Something that I did was start going to movies all alone. It sucked at first but after I while, I liked it.

I hated it when people told me this but it is so true... Take up a new hobby. Anything.... just make sure it is something positive.

Something else I did was read every book I could get my hands on pertaining to infedility and grief management. These books helped me soooo much.

I vowed I would use this experience to help others. Post anytime and I will respond.


Keith

Keith,



You have any idea how many people have said these same words to me? All of our friends, my family and his family all believe this will happen in time.

I have been going to IC now for about 4 months. She has read up on MB'S principals and agree's with them. She even had read Dr. Harleys books so she can help me with this. She keeps telling me the same thing he has to hit bottom and he will.

I have read so many books now its not even funny. I have read all of Harley's books, and Dr. Dobson.... Those are what has kept me going just knowing this is an addiction and someday it will end. Or at least the chances of it ending are high. Knowing my luck though he is one of the ones it won't.

I do have an appointment with Steve Harley on the 10 of this month. I could not afford one before and when i finally can afford one this happens. So it may be to late but maybe he can at least help me have a plan for me.

I do try and do things for me. Its just so hard sometimes. Working nights like I do leaves me little time to enjoy anything though. Work all night and sleep half the day leaves a person not much time to enjoy life. But my days off are good I spend time with the kids and my MIL who has been my rock in all of this. She is hurting almost as bad as I am. See WH has cut himslef off from his family as well. Since he left in July he has been to see his mommaybe 5 times and they have not been good visits really because she tells him like it is and OW is not welcome and has been told so face to face.

So all WH has is OW and her friends. Our feinds and family have all told him what a fool he is so he leaves everyone alone. Pretty lonely if ya ask me and OW definatley isn't worth loosing everyone for but for now he thinks she is.

I will be ok, I know this but I am lonely and do miss him. Thanks for your kind words and just taking the time to post to me.

Hurting

Hurting - This is so typical... They don't want to hear it, not at all. They know deep inside what they are doing is wrong, but they are hooked on a drug and that drug is infatuation. So, they avoid the subject with friends. Almost all WS's avoid friends (at least the friends that know the BS).

His behavior is textbook... So incredibly textbook...

From what you posted, you are doing a GREAT job taking care of yourself. Keep it up!!!

Keith

Keith,

I had a great day today, I felt good and was happy for most of it not many down times. But let me tell you what happened. It may not mean much but in a way it made me feel good.

First off as I was leaving the house, looking good and sexy WH and the bimbo drove up to pick up DD and her B/F. I proceeded to my car without acknowledging them. WH pulled up so I could back out.

So I go to my friends house and her husband changed my oil. As her and I were talking and she knows WH pretty well as we have been friends for years. Anyhow she says to me I know he still loves you just messed uo in his head right now. Anyhow she said something that struck me She said when the OW thinks she has won (ex. divorce done) thats when things will probably fall apart, because she will let her guard down and become herself. Now in a way this makes sense to me because she will think I am out of the picture for sure.

Ok now back to DD.... When DD got in the car with WH and the bimbo he asked her if she had pissed me off because I took off so fast. She said no mom is on her way to her "friends" so he can change the oli in the car. DD said he didn't say a word but he looked at her threw the rearview mirror and the look on his face was not a happy one. So while they were eating she called me on my cell and I was telling her I would not be home for dinner. All she said was Well mom I guess I will see then whenever you get home...

So when I get home she tells me she called her dad to find out if he liked her b/f. He said he did and then next thing out of his mouth was " So how long has your mom been seeing this guy?" DD told him look dad its only a friend and thats it. So now WH thinks I have a male friend I am dating which is not true .... She never said to him that I was with some friends of ours. I didn't ask her to make him think I was doing anything wrong he has now in his own fogged out brain thinks I am dating.... It bothers me that he may think the wrong thing but nothing I can do about it...

But I was very proud of myself by walking to my car and just leaving . I knew running back in the house would have looked bad and like I was hiding so I just played it out. I never even looked his way..... I was shaking so bad as I drove off.... One thing for sure the OW saw me as well... Thank goodness his windows are tinted because I couldn't see them at all....

I was looking good and walking with my head held high.....

So please no 2x4 for not turning and going the other way.... I know planb but no interaction happened at all... I for sure was not going to chit chat with them ....

DD said he dad was not happy about this at all and was questioning her about my friend. She told him she really didn't know anything. I had told her that it was none of WH'S business where I went or with who so thats why she didn't tell him who it was.

Anyhow I feel good and strong tonight because I handled this with grace and dignaty. I didn't run and hide I went about my business like he was not around, and whats even better I didn't pull the bimbo out of the car and beat her up.... Thats the closet I have been to her since all of this started her in a car with my H sitting in front of my house and I did nothing.... Talk about taking the high road...

Hurting

Sorry but what a heartless jacka$$!! He pulls up with the bimbo!!! The fog will make them do stupid things.


Your friend is very wise. Remember, the bimbo is involved with a married man with children. That says a lot about her character, her ability to make moral decisions. Her true colors will come out and your WH will see them eventually. And if she cheats with him, she will cheat with someone else.


Typical cake-eater response. He can have a girlfriend but you cannot have a boyfriend. Let him think that you have a boyfriend - you know you don't. (Also, and this isn't a 2 x 4, but try not to get your children involved in any he-said/she-said. Keep them as far out of the problems as you can. Not that you can't discuss things in general terms, just no details. Believe me, they see what he is doing.)


Heck, I think you did it perfectly... You did not talk to him, or acknowledge him, but walked right on by. That took courage.

The high road is always harder, but you will always feel better after for taking it. I once cracked, when I found proof of the PA, and called my WW in the middle of the night at her boyfriends (she was suprised I figured it where she was). Anyway, I call her a s1ut and hung up. In 23 years I had never called her a bad name. To this day, I still regret calling her that.

Keith

Keith,

Thanks for the kuddos on how I handled the situation.

I try to keep the kids out of it , I don't tell them everything at all.. DS does know the CS is late and thats because he needed something and I didn't have the money. He says well mom if dad can't pay on time then I don't want to see him until he does. I told him DS he is your dad no matter what and if you want to see him please do. He does not want to at this time.

In fact WH has blown off DS since christmas eve. Now this is the same man who complained he didn't see the kids enough on christmas eve and now has broken the last two weekends with DS.

I could be wrong but I don't think things in fantasy land are going so great just by things WH has said to his sister. But then again thats not my problem or DS'S and we should not have to suffer because of it. We have suffered enough this last 7 months.

I just want to be happy again and love life like I used to... I am getting there but this keeps holding me back. Everytime things start getting better something else happens. I just want some peace for awhile.... Yup I still want my husband back and I know that may never happen but in th meantime I just want peace.....


Hurting

Ok some things have happened.

First off the D is stalled due to a failure to come to an agreement with our attorneys. Mediation is no being schedualed.

As of yesterday WH and OW are breaking up. To much arguing and not getting along according to WH. But now he has decided to move to San Antonio which is like 8 hours from us. Well he says he is moving who knows.

He is suppose to be coming by tomorrow to bring CS to me and get a few of his tools...

So my question is ... If its true him and OW are breaking it off is it normal for the WS to want ot move away from the family? Maybe he just needs time or what? He knows I want our marriage maybe I am just deluding myself and he really does not want to be married anymore.....

I don't know what to do or say.... Should I say anything or do anything?

Or should I just let it go and see what happens?