Okay, a little background.

H left me 2 years ago, D for 8 months. Still denies EA although they now live together.

I had the kids Christmas, although legally he could have had them all day. He was amicable about me having them in the morning. I met him with them that afternoon. (He ;moved 2 1/2 hours away, so we meet halfway.)

He initially told me that he would have the kids 25th and I would have them back the 26th, as that would be the only day he had off. (I'm a teacher so I have the whole two weeks off) Then he called and asked if he could have them for the entire week. I asked if he was taking time off of work and he said no, but would have an extra day, the 27th. He said if they stayed the rest of the week they would be with his parents. Well, I'm not stupid, I know that they would just be at his house with the homewrecker. So I said no, I wanted them back Tues nite.

So, when I drop them off he asks if they can stay Tues night and his parents would bring them on Wed as they would be traveling through my town. I figured, ok, he can have the evening with them.

Well I got them back today and 4yo tells me that daddy worked all day yesterday and they spent the day with the homewrecker (no, they don't call her that)

Now, I have no problem giving him extra time, but I do have a problem with them staying all day with his live-in girlfriend, and especially with him lying about it. BTW, I did offer him both the weekends before and after Christmas, and he turned me down for both of them.

Am I wrong to be upset?

cm

You're divorced. You can't stop him from living with her and you can't stop your children from being with her, either.

Ex might be a scoundrel, but the more you obsess over your children being with the "homewrecker" the more it hurts YOU, not them.

I realize that they will spend time with her; they have been regularly for over a year. I know that she loves my children and treats them well.

I'm upset because he lied to me about having to work that day. He told me he would be home with them, and instead he went off to work and they were with her when they could have been with me.

cm

...well, people lie. This person happens to be your ex-Husband. Accept that because you can't change it.

You're actually very lucky that the OW LIKES your children. It could have been a LOT worse. It won't kill your children to spend one extra day away from you.

I don't think this is about your kids--this is about you WINNING. You're not doing your children ANY good by being angry about this. Let it ride.

I had gone out of town to a meeting for a weekend...a Thurs. thru Sun. and my X told me he had taken Thurs and Fri off of work to keep our daughter...only come to find out when I got back he had not taken off work and had left our daughter with the OW. The court order states if he isn't available to keep her himself due to work he's to call my mom...and he didn't.

X's lie just to get under our skin...most anyone with kids and an X have experienced this at some point and know what your feeling. You have every right to be upset. They do it just to pi$$ with us...childish but very true. It's a control issue on their side. They are X's for a reason!

HUGS!

OK or not, I would be upset too.

We agreed if X cannot be with our son during his parenting time, he has to ask me first if I can (and I always can).
If he wouldn't... that would be very bad for him (btw, he knows this, he knows me), I'd fight him by any means...
(Sorry, it's called being politically incorrect, right?... when you are just sincere... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

For the sake of the CHILDREN, wouldn't it make sense to just FORGET the semantics of it all? It doesn't sound like the children are in danger, so why encourage a negative environment by insisting on FIGHTING over things like this?

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X's lie just to get under our skin...most anyone with kids and an X have experienced this at some point and know what your feeling. You have every right to be upset. They do it just to pi$$ with us...childish but very true. It's a control issue on their side. They are X's for a reason!

This is a huge assumption AND a bit of an illogical fallacy.

Do you TRULY believe that ex-spouses aren't CAPABLE of caring for their own children? It might bother the he11 out of you that your ex-H is leaving his children with the OW, but if your're DIVORCED, then he has a life outside of the one he had with you and it's perfectly legal.

In all this, let's not forget who MARRIED these losers in the first place AND had CHILDREN with them.

You are right, aeri, no doubt.
Let it go to let yourself free, no doubt.


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Very right too.

That doesn't mean we, who did, lost rights to vote? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

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That doesn't mean we, who did, lost rights to vote?

No, of course not. I think you have the right to *vote* on anything that is dangerous or unhealthy for your children, but in this case, it's been made perfectly clear that OW LOVES the step children.

I think the children are the innocent bystanders of divorce. The least the parents can do is be logical and civil toward each other afterwards. Assuming that the ex-H can't care for the children and therefore deserves to be lambasted for leaving the children with his partner is just propagating a lot of negative energy.

Your children will THANK you for AVOIDING conflict when they're older....after all, wasn't that the point of the divorce in the first place? Had you wanted to continue with the conflict and fighting, you could have remained married.

Well, father-of-my-children Ex (to distinguish from my other debaucles) wanted to see our girls often but worked so much it usually WAS his GF watching them. I got upset with him...that he wasn't managing his schedule well enough to spend time with the kids...which is what visitation is really about, time with the other parent. They so needed that.

But then I realized okay, this is the reality and expecting him to change was about as smart as bashing my head against a tree. Better tweak the situation as best possible for my kids. I had a sit-down with his GF. We discussed our parenting techniques and what both of us expected.

It did not always run smoothly but did more often than not. We'd call each other and check schedules, and plan vacation times, and gifts for the kids.

I was very sorry when they broke up; I wanted to keep HER as the other parent!

Thanks for the feedback.

You are perfectly right that kids do not need to see fighting and turmoil. My kids NEVER do. I so rarely speak to him that we don't fight. Never have. And yes, I do have to accept that they were safe and cared for by somebody who loves them. She is NOT a step-parent, BTW, just a live in girlfriend. That is different.

But I agree with Lucks, too. Visitation is to spend time with the PARENT, not his girlfriend. And he lied to me to get that time. Had they gone and spent the day with his parents, which would have beenfine, I STILL would have been upset about him lying to me about working. I have every intention of letting him know that I am upset about him lying to me. If I found out my best friend was lying to me, I'd confront her, so why should I let it slide because he's my X?

I do not intend to make this a huge big deal. I just plan on letting him know I think what he did was **itty. Of course, I left a message yesterday that I needed to speak to him, and of course he has yet to call me back.

cm

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She is NOT a step-parent, BTW, just a live in girlfriend. That is different.

No--it's not different just because she happens to be the live-in girlfriend. He's no longer your H---you can't make moral judgements based on his lifestyle. To do so would be propagating the negative energy. Why would you choose to do this when it's your children who end up suffering for it?

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I have every intention of letting him know that I am upset about him lying to me. If I found out my best friend was lying to me, I'd confront her, so why should I let it slide because he's my X?

First of all, I doubt that he gives a rats [censored] that you're angry at him lying to you. At this point, he owes you nothing because he's no longer your H. He is merely the man you chose to father your children.

Your best friend wouldn't be expected to lie to you because she's your best friend. Your ex-Husband is not a friend--he's your ex-H. He owes you nothing. He only owes your children his time and care. If they had mentioned that they were unhappy to have spent time with the GF, then it would have been fine for THEM to have brought that up to DAD. It has NOTHING (and I underscore that heavily) to do with you.....

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I just plan on letting him know I think what he did was **itty. Of course, I left a message yesterday that I needed to speak to him, and of course he has yet to call me back.

I don't think he cares if you feel that what he did was crappy. I'm not at all surprised that he hasn't returned your phone call, either.

Try to remember that you are DIVORCED. Having children complicates matters, but it doesn't change the fact that you no longer have any control over this person. If your children are in harm's way, you have a complaint--otherwise, he'll do with his children as he pleases. View him as you'd view your neighbour--if their children are in danger, you intervene--everything else is their business.

aeri,

I have a question for you and wanted your opinion. In our consent order, we have ROFR. Ex have not follow through on it 90% of the time. He even went as far as leaving daughter home alone. Kids have told their Dad that they rather stay with me than baby sitter, who is OW's 16 yr old daugter. When he had nanny, they did not want to stay with her either, they just wanted to be with me, especially when he was away for long period of time. Ex ignore children and court order, he thinks he's above the law. I want to file charge against him for not following court order but wonder if this will have any ill affect on the children.

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Ex ignore children and court order, he thinks he's above the law. I want to file charge against him for not following court order but wonder if this will have any ill affect on the children.

I don't think you need my opinion on this--seems pretty obvious that your children's welfare is being compromised if your Husband leaves them ALONE.

If I were you, I'd proceed in court. This situation is MUCH different than the one that country mama described.