Just found out that my H has been cheating on me with his old secretary for 2 years. I had a feeling all along but he has always denied the affair. At first, he wanted to work things out with me and stay married. Now, however, he wants to divorce because he says he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. He has been an abusive husband and he has finally realized what a jerk he has been to me. I was not talking to him for almost two weeks after I found out and he saw how happy I was without him. He says he wants the divorce so I can get the life he took away back. According to him, he wants me to be liberated. Also, he says he needs to focus on making money since we are so broke. He promised me that he will not communicate with the OW. I talked with the OW and she does not want him because all this time she thought that he was separated from me. According to the OW, he lied to her too. I think that he is in love with her. If the OW would take him back then he will go back to her. He has cried and told me how sorry he is and how much he loves me. He thinks that I'm better off without him cause he is full of badness.

I still love him and a part of me wants to work it out. The other part feels betrayed and wants the divorce. He has already filled out the divorce papers and it's only been two weeks. He wants to remain best friends and go out once a week. How can I be friends with a man that broke my heart and victimized me twice (first the affair and second denying it)? I say separation is what we need but he says it's only prolonging the inevitable.

Do I get a divorce? single choice
	no
	yes
Votes accepted starting: 12/29/05 07:30 AM You must vote before you can view the results of this poll.

ByChance,
It is a lot more complicated than a yes or no poll. I'm so sorry you are here and are hurting.

First, how long have you been maried? are there kids? WHen you say abusive, what do you mean exaclty? Also, are you and your husband Christians?

I know these are some of the questions the more experienced posters will ask.

Please read Surviving an Affair and all of this site- not just the forums. There is another forum that ismore active. It is called General Questions II. You may want to repost over there with more info and without the poll,

Hang in there. Don't do anything rash. Just read, read read. Keep posting on here for support.

Others will be along soon.

bychance,

as "moveforward" has already said, there is no simple "yes & no" answer to this question.
I think that most of us thought "divorce" when we discovered the affair................

It is up to "you" whether you want to stay married or not. It's important for you not to make any life atering decisions tight now.............you are probably "in shock" life most of us BS when we find out that our spouses are involved in an affair.

I've been here pretty long and I can really tell you that affairs are very simular most of the time.

When discovered, the WS is in the fog and has his head up his §ss and the BS are in total shock and numb. The BS world falls apart, they loose weight and they walk on eggshells........

The WS say terrible, senceless things and wants to get divorced and and and.............they find reasons to justify their affair and they believe that the OW/OM are their true soul mates..............(this is complete balony because it is based on lies and secretcy)

I wouldn't make any decisions whatsoever right now...........calm down........you might want to consider to go to your doctor and get meds. that will help you stay calm and get a good nights sleep. Make sure to take good care of yourself. Eat well or at least drink "healthy" things. You need all the strength and energy possible because if you believe it or not..............you are the strong and stable one in your relationship right now.

Your WS might appear to be "clear minded" and he might appear to you as if he knows what he is talking about, but believe me, he is soooooo far from that.

We call that "in the fog".

It might help to "back off" for awhile and to educate yourself. (don't educate your WS, it will NOT work!!!)
Read all you can here in Marriage Builders. Read all about Plan A!!!!!!!

No questions, no pressuring and NO begging for him to stay.

This is definately NOT easy but before you get into the "negetive cycle" you might want to try the MBers method.

It truely works and I'm a living example!!!!

You also might want to write a little more about your situation. It will help us to give you a little more advise.

I'd also recommend you to go to General Questions and post there. (there's more going on over there)

What really helped me alot right after d-d was "remembering" what attracted my husband when we first met. What was it in you situation??? What needs is he missing out on???

take care
bb

Honey, you say in your post over on GQII that your husband PHYSICALLY, EMOTIONALLY and VERBALLY ABUSES you. Does he do this in front of your three little ones? You are not safe in this relationship and if your babies are watching this, they are being DAMAGED. As Dr.Phil says, better to be from a broken home than to LIVE in one. Please seek help. Do you have supportive family nearby? Do you have the number for the local women's shelter?

You have my prayers for you and your family.

Natalie