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#1548793 12/29/05 09:50 AM
Joined: Oct 2005
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I wonder if we are at the true recovery stage yet?

My H FINALLY said the 2 little words I have been longing to hear since D-day.... "I'm Sorry".

I am both very happy yet was also a bit numb when he said it. It didn't seem to hold the impact I had thought it would. He also said that it was a big mistake and something they took too far and never should have done.

This appology comes after a HUGE out burst by my DS#1 who had tried to antagonize a fight between himself and my H. Son has been home for almost 2 weeks and for whatever reason (drugs?) has been confrontational towards everyone in his path.

Anyway, Monday he decides he is going to runaway from home and to help him "justify" his choices he starts in on my H for his having betrayed me.

He screams at H with more anger than I have ever seen and said some very foul and disgusting things and tried to bait my H into "going outside and settle this like a man".

Son has so much hatred towards H for what he did, and refuses to understand why and how I can try to save this marriage.

As son is trying to fight with H, I am standing on the stairway, son on the lower landing, H in the kitchen trying to make lunch. H did not respond to DS's comments and we both remained calm while S spewed out his comments and rage.

For me though, it was like DS pouring salt in my still unhealed wounds. He was screaming "what kind of man F's some ****** when he is married and has 2 of his OWN children" and other stuff like that.

Ds#1 walked out after I told him to stop and I had him wait for his ride outside. I was scared he would charge up the stairs and attack my H, as angry as he was getting.

After he had left I was starting to break down. I went
into full blown panic attack mode and found myself in the bathroom throwing up and struggling to calm down.

H came in and helped me to start breathing right and then helped me upstairs to our room.

He held me while I cried and I was able to tell him that I was not just upset over what my son had just done and put us through, but that the things he said hurt me incredibly and that I don't blame him for saying what he did say in regards to the A.

I told H I felt pulled between 2 of the people I love most in the world.

H said he understood and just held me as I cried and babbled and calmed down. Then he asked me if I wanted the sandwich he was going to make me and convinced me I should try to eat a little bit.

So I am sitting there in the kitchen and he comes over and sits down next to me and puts his arm around me and says "I am sorry, I never wanted to hurt you like this." Then he said the other stuff about it should have never going as far as it did.

I stopped him and said "do you realise this is the first time you have said those words to me?"

He said "well I have in other ways"

I said something to the effect that it meant alot to me to hear those exact words from him and then he said some things about how he is not known for making the best decisions and as we know has made some really bad choices.
Then he tried to change the mood from serious and lighten things up.

Latter he was reassuring and comforting. Told me I am a wonderful mother. That I handled everything with DS#1 very well by remaing calm with him and speaking softly to him.

We both acknowleged that in the past things would have gotten way out of control with the fighting and we would have been screaming back at son. We were able to talk about things together and agreed that things have definately changed for us and how we are now dealing with things.
I thank Zoloft for that on my end of it.

So, H has been working the day shift this week due to his boss having a broken leg and is out of the shop indefinately. This has been wonderful to be able to have him home every night at dinner time and he is enjoying time with the little ones. He has missed being able to tuck them into bed at night as was his old routine before he started this job.

I have been off work from my school job until 1-3 but have to put in some time at the other job. But I am able to be home when he is. Yesterday I stayed home and actually did some major overhaul cleaning and it felt soooo good! I have missed having time like this!

H teaesed me last night when I told him how much I missed my SAHM role. He called me his beautiful domesticated wife.... to which I had to punch him in the arm...LOL.
I thanked him and pointed out that I was in sweats and a grubby t shirt and looking pretty scruffy from cleaning all day! He said I was still beautiful.

When we weent to bed last night, he held me tightly as I fell asleep on his chest and he stroked my arm and occaisionally gave it a squeeze. I felt so wonderful and I wished I could have known what was going through his mind.

So, are we there yet? I sure do hope so. I hope this is real recovery and the roller coaster will be smoother for a while. I thank God for giving us this time together this passed week, that despite the turmoil with DS#1, we have had some very "normal" and REAL moments between H & I. It could not have been this way if H was working the 2nd shift. This is also a blessing as H has NO CONTACT with OW as he dosn't run into her shift change. THANK GOD!

Now I have to keep working on me to get the triggers and "visuals" out of my head that haunt me. I try to go into the "happy place" files and pull something out.

Be Well, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Harmonie BS Me - 43 EX/WH - 35 b-day 8/22 D day 8/21/05 Separated 4/2/07 DS #1-16 mine DD #1-15 mine DD #2-9 ours DS #2-6 ours Married 12 yrs together 13 1/2 "Hang on and keep your belt tight and hands in the the car at all times, this is a bumpy ride."
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Harmonie,

I am new to this board so I am not sure if this is real recovery for you, but I wanted to send you my best wishes and I am glad to hear that your H apologized and that you have been able to have some good moments together. It gives me hope for my H and I for our future. He said I'm Sorry, I never meant to hurt you, etc right after DDay, but it didn't mean much to me at the time because it was just words. I have come to realize that while he may not speak his mind and share his feelings much of the time, his actions speak louder than words. The fact that he has committed to stay in the marriage speaks volumes, as it does for your H.

I have to work very hard on the triggers and visuals in my head also, and it is a constant battle as you know.

My children are too young to know about the A, so I can't offer any advice on that note.

I hope the good feelings persist between you and your H and best wishes for 2006.


BW (Me) 39 FWH (41) Married 14 yrs DS 4/2000 DD 12/2002 DD 8/2005 PA 1/05 - 9/12/05 D-Day 10/13/05 Status: Trying to rebuild
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Harmonie,

It sounds like Ds#1 is exhibiting some VERY healthy signs of boundaries in his relationship with your WH. Now this doesn't give him a clean bill of mental health as per your note of possible drug use, but he appears to be putting your WH on notice that he will not tolerate this family dysfunction.

Out of the mouth of babes..................


Divorced:
"Never shelter anyone from the realities of their decisions": Noodle

You believe easily what you hope for ernestly

Infidelity does not kill marriages, the lying does
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***He was screaming "what kind of man F's some ****** when he is married and has 2 of his OWN children" and other stuff like that.***

Harmonie, I can only say "Good On Ya" to your son. I hope someone has a serious talk with him and validates his feelings. While it's true that going ballistic and trying to pick a fight is not the way to handle it, I hope somebody acknowledges that he is right and that you feel the same way.

This could quite seriously affect his future as a husband and father. Please pay attention to him and discuss it, and don't hesitate to discuss it at a family therapist's office if you think that would be better.
Mulan


Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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Harmonie,
I can only imagine how painful that was for you. It seems like good progress to me. It sounds as if your WS was very caring and protective of you.

I am so sorry that your whole family is suffering. We have kept it from our children. We both watched our families crumble when our fathers had affairs and left our mothers. I thought having watched that we would have been more careful with our marriage. We let the care slip.

I agree with Mulan that maybe some family counseling would be a good idea. I wish we had had that opportunity in our famililes.

Blessings to you, Harmonie

Joined: Dec 2005
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Harmonie,
I'm hardly an expert at this stuff, but I think that your H apologizing to you, telling you how beautiful you are and showing you such affection means he is seeing what he has to lose in you. I'm so happy for you.

When my H and I were talking today, my son came downstairs and H made sure we stopped talking about the A before he heard. I could see in his face that he would be ashamed for S to know what he did...the mean part of me thought 'well, maybe you need to see the disgust he would feel for you if he knew the truth'..the part of me that loves him understands why he wouldn't want him to know.
16 year olds are a handful under the best of times, I'm glad you and your H are standing together and not letting his outburst put a wedge between you. Although he was saying what he felt, it still had to be hard to hear...
God Bless...


Me - BS 44 Him - WS 45 3 month A..admitted to PA after 5 months of denial D-day 12/25/05 .. Merry Christmas to me Married 24 years 1 DS - 21 1 DD - 19 Recovering nicely
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Thanks for all the replys so far!

Yes, I am glad my son said what he said, though I wish he could have tried to express himself in a different way and not leave home. But with his rage it is just as well that he is NOT here until he and I can talk and see what we can do. He is a very stubborn and manipulative "child". He wants things his way or No way and has shown he is not open for compromise.

He called me last night and gave me a phone # to reach him at, but would not say where he is staying. He has no $ so I wonder how he thinks he will be staying anywhere for very long?

I asked him if he plans on going to school on Jan. 3rd and he said yes. But I worry that it will be short lived just to see who is there and if dropping out would be better. He said he has considered just dropping and getting a GED.
AGH!!!!!!!!!!!

Dang KID! He is such an awful pain sometimes! He is so dang smart, talented and good looking and COULD have so much going for him. It frustrates me to no end seeing him "blow off" his oportunities!

He did tell me though that he is not mad at me for anything, which is a good sign I may still be able to talk this thing out with him. I told him despite the things he had said the other day, he has not burned any bridges here and I want him to stay in touch with me.

I think he must have really thought that if he had moved back home I was going to throw my H out and then he would be the "man" of the house. I don't know. He said he can not understand why I would stand up for H or defend him. I said I was not defending anyone. I just didn't want DS to keep saying the things he was in front of DS#2 that day.

I wish that I had a way of getting everyone into a family counseling session. That though would take a miricle.
We had an in home family therapist for the issues with DS#1 for 2 years and that didn't get us anywhere. That is back when son was "self mutilating" (cutting himself).
To be able to actually GO to someone together is not an opption as once H is back at his regular hours we will again only see him on the weekends and for an hour before he leaves for work.

However I will be asking my son if he'd be willing to go with ME to see someone under the pretense of working out communication with me. If I can get him to come with me, we can hopefully get the ball rolling for him to start getting HIS issues dealt with and maybe move to other issues from there. I have to choose my words and actions with this kid very carefully.

As for H and I, things are still going smoothly and I am very happy. I told him last night that I was going to be terribly sad when his days change back to nights. I tried to plant a seed of thought in him to propose that he STAY on the day shift and suggest they hire another guy to work on 2nd & or 3rd shifts. His boss has actually been coming into the plant to work in a supervisory role but is still unable to walk due to his broken leg issue. I am hoping the boss sees this as a possibility himself. H dosn't assert himself at work for these kinds of things. He just goes with the flow. So, I will pray for this and hope God thinks it is a good thing, too.

H can be very caring and supportive and protective... when he wants to be. He however is not always honest and I have to look closely at where his motives are in things.

He was never thrilled about the idea of son coming home. He did not want to have more trouble (nor did any one).
I do think that if H could have tried to talk to DS1 in a mature way when he first arrived we might have avoided this outburst. Instead, from the very beginning H was picking apart everything the kid did or said. Not to DS1 but to Me. H removed himself from virtually any and all communication with the kid except till the very end. But I don't feel he tried to extend any type of "olive branch" to set things on the right path to begin with.

I wish I had stepped up to initiate something in the beggining to prevent all this from happening. Hindsight being 20-20 and all. We are not very good at the communication thing yet in our family.

Well I could go on & on more but I probably sound like I am babbling.

Any ideas how I can talk to son and H about how to turn this around? I really want the kid here at home, despite all his issues (everybody's issues). I am willing to work at everything and anything. How can I get the guys to work with me?
If anyone has any room on their prayr list's can ya add us in? Thanks.


Harmonie BS Me - 43 EX/WH - 35 b-day 8/22 D day 8/21/05 Separated 4/2/07 DS #1-16 mine DD #1-15 mine DD #2-9 ours DS #2-6 ours Married 12 yrs together 13 1/2 "Hang on and keep your belt tight and hands in the the car at all times, this is a bumpy ride."
Joined: Oct 2005
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ya know with all the thoughts I had this morning about my son I forgot to write about something "nice" that H said to me last night.
As we were driving over to his friends house last night to visit and pick up a cd he had borrowed, I asked H if he would have rather have gone over to his buddies house alone with out me tagging along. He said "No Not at all! I am glad you are coming with me. We get some time alone together and you haven't seen "AAA" for a while either."
That reassured me and made me feel good. Then what he did next totally made my day/night.
A song came on the radio, "Wild Flower" by the Cult (?) and H is singing along and looks at me during some of the parts of the song to make eye contact with me. This is the same song he sang to me on Halloween and emphasized the line "Your an Angel" to me.
As we got out of the car, he reached out to take my hand and called me "his beautiful wild flower" . I could have melted the snow I was blushing and beaming so hard.
After we left his buddies house he made an appology to me about the Buddies room mate's behaivior/language. I said I hadn't apparently heard what the guy had said or did that made H appologize for the rudeness. But I was so touched that he was being so thoughtful and protective.
When we gotr home, H played video games with the 2 little ones and I was comfortable enough for the first time in months to go to bed early while H was home and not feel like I had to be in his presence every minute.
God, this feels so good to be in this place. Now if I can just release my fears and insecurities to keep this feeling going for both of us.


Harmonie BS Me - 43 EX/WH - 35 b-day 8/22 D day 8/21/05 Separated 4/2/07 DS #1-16 mine DD #1-15 mine DD #2-9 ours DS #2-6 ours Married 12 yrs together 13 1/2 "Hang on and keep your belt tight and hands in the the car at all times, this is a bumpy ride."
Joined: Jan 2005
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My DS#1 has been home from school for almost 3 weeks. In those weeks, there's been good times and there's been some big, yelling times. When he came to breakfast after one not-very-nice evening, I just looked at him and said "Are you the good son or the evil son this morning?"

I think people underestimate the affect that infidelity has on nearly adult children. It doesn't matter that they are out of the house and virtually independent. These kids hurt just as badly. They hate to see the familiar patterns of their lives broken up. It doesn't matter just how many miles away they live. They feel stuck in the middle. They feel more than a little lost.

It's crossed my mind that perhaps my son's mood swings could be because of drugs or alcohol. Maybe it's late blooming bi-polar stuff. I doubt it, though. He hurts about our family situation. He chafes at not having his independence. He lives with a bunch of rude guys. I think that sometimes he forgets what it's like to be in polite company. He's always been a [censored] sometimes. It has gotten worse since his dad left us. He has a lot of stress like being financially dependent for school upon a father he is very angry with.

Men/boys express themselves in different ways. I think your son is being very healthy. No CA there.

BTW: DS is attempting to finish up the carpentery job he started this summer and promised to complete over this break. Today is his last day home. You should hear the language coming up the steps....


Grapes are versatile. Grapes can be sour, sweet, sublime as wine and fabulous even when old and dried out.

Me: BS
XCH: Clueless
2-DS: Bigger than me
1-DD: Now also bigger than me!

5/6: Personally served CH with divorce papers
6/6: CH F? wants to time to see if M can be saved
7/6: FCH reenters our lives to work on marriage but secretly signs papers to start divorce...what's that about?
Mediation set for November
Final dissolution in January 2007.
2008 and beyond: Life goes on...
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Hi GG,

How old is your son? Mine will be 17 in Feb. He has had so many issues with my H over the years and after his Bio-dad died in 98' is when he started to go in to a down ward spiral.
My H admitted to me that when he was going through his treatment group that one of the things he talked about the most was DS#1 and how badley he messed up with being a real "parent" to him after the bio dad died.
Bio dad died in a self involved car crash, drunk driving. With H's past alcohol issues it has made Son very full of contempt towards H ...add the A and Son has said he would just as soon kill H. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> So that has made for a very tense and uncomfortable holiday between Son and H.
Now I find myself in a tough spot with Son as he is not staying anywhere in particular and I am worrying about him, where he is, if he is eating etc. He called me last night and wanted me to pick him up and take him out so we could talk (and feed him). I was not able to get home soon enough from running errands to talk to him. While I was out, I asked H what his thoughts were on this subject with Son. What did he think I should do about this situation.
He really had nothing to say. So I am left assuming that as long as son is not here H is just fine with the situation.

I would like to write more but have to run for a bit.


Harmonie BS Me - 43 EX/WH - 35 b-day 8/22 D day 8/21/05 Separated 4/2/07 DS #1-16 mine DD #1-15 mine DD #2-9 ours DS #2-6 ours Married 12 yrs together 13 1/2 "Hang on and keep your belt tight and hands in the the car at all times, this is a bumpy ride."

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