My husband and I have been married for 7 years, dating for 6 years. Together for a total of 13 years. We have three young children (5 y/o, 3 y/o and 3 mos). I am 33 y/o and he is 36 y/o.
I had my suspicions of an affair all year but he has always denied it. My proof of the affair was so clear that I even asked for a divorce but he still denied it. It all came out because he had left his cell phone in his car and the OW left several voice and text messages. I pretended to be him and text her back. She thought that my husband and I have been separated for years. To make a long story short, we eventually talked over the phone and found that he has been living two lives, lying to both of us. The OW says that she is done with him but I know that he is addicted to her.
At first, he wanted to work things out with me and stay married. Now, however, he wants to divorce because for the week and a half that I was not talking to him, he saw how happy I was without him. He has been an abusive husband (physical, emotional, mental) and he has finally realized what an sss he has been to me. He says he wants the divorce so I can get the life he took away back. According to him, he wants me to be liberated. He is tired of hurting me and causing me so much sorrow. He wants to take himself out of the picture. Also, he says he needs to focus on making money since we are so broke. He says his number one goal is to get us back on our feet again. He thinks that I'm better off without him cause he is full of "badness".
I think that he is in love with the OW. If the OW would take him back then he will go back to her. He is addicted to her. He has cried and told me how sorry he is and how much he loves me. He loves me so much that he wants to see me happy, even if it's without him.
We are both Christians, however, my husband has never been close to God. Especially since we have had so much bad luck the last 4-5 years. There have been and continue to be a lot of financial problems in our lives. He lost his job, we lost our house, etc.
I still love him and a part of me wants to work it out. The other part feels betrayed and wants the divorce. He has already filled out the divorce papers online and it's only been two weeks. He wants to remain best friends and even go out once a week. He wants to close this chapter in our lives and start a new one with me as his friend. My husband wants to go out to a nice dinner and even take a trip with me after the divorce is final to "celebrate". How can I be friends with a man that broke my heart? And how can I close that chapter in my life when there is no closure? He doesn't want to talk about the affair and what lead to it. He says that's in the past and let's look toward the future. How can I? I have yet to recover. He doesn't want to go to marriage counseling or separate because he says it's only prolonging the inevitable.
He really hates how he has treated me in the past and says that we will probably have a better relationship as friends after the divorce. I think that he will be having his cake and eating it too. He will be visiting often because of the kids and even picking them up from school. He wants to go out to dinner or have drinks with me once a week and he still wants to have sex with me. So what's changed? Only the fact that he will have his own place and freedom. Is he making up excuses that he wants to see me happy and free?

he knows he is wrong. He is saying the typical things. #1. If he is physically abusive get out of this M. No one should live this way. #2. No sex with this man, you need to be ck'd for STD's. #3 Get to an attorney to protect your finances and set up child support. Some others will answer you. Document all you can about his A. Cell records ect.

What he wants is to carry on like a single man, resume his affair and keep you as a "friend." The perfect set up! translation: please be "friendly" to me and don't protest while I destroy you. That way he doesn't have to face the consquences of his cruelty and can carry on unabated. I would wager that the OW has told him that she won't see him unless his marriage is over and moving out was to get her back.

You are right, being his "friend" would be stupid. He just wants this so he can more easily screw you over without having to hear your complaints. But a true "friend" does not lie and cheat, so he is hardly friend material.

The best way to save your marriage is to bust up the affair and then strategically attract your husband back into the marriage using Marriage Builders principles.

If I were you, I would start off by exposing this affair wide and far. Exposure is ruinous to affairs because they are based on fantasies. When exposed, the affairees are forced to explain their actions and see how sleazy they look through the eyes of others. It is like turning on the light in a crack house and bringing in spectators. Takes all the fun out of smoking crack!

So, first things first. Make up a list of all good exposure targets, starting with his parents and close family. Then go to close friends, your family and then OW's parents. Is the OW married? Who is she? Are there exposure opportunities there? If it is a workplace affair, then expose there.

You might want to also call the OW again and tell her that you are still married and are committed to the marriage. Tell her that your H wants to continue seeing you for dates and to arrange for sexual liasons. [don't say anything about the "friend" angle]

Then run to the bookstore and get Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. This will make our suggestions here make more sense and help you understand what is really going on.

He has been an abusive husband (physical, emotional, mental)

you want to elaborate on this...
ain't a soul here that's going to advise you or anyone else to stay with such a person....

ARK

I missed that; can you explain how he has abused you? And if that is the case, why would you even consider taking him back?

Regarding the abuse.

For years he has been mentally/emotionally abusing me, telling me that I'm no good, I'm a bad mother, I'm just a maid, etc. He would belittle me and make me feel unimportant. He has also physically abused me to the point were I had bruises on my legs and arms. H would tell me that I'm the only person to push his buttons. H could not control his temper.

H said that's part of the reason why he wants to divorce because he knows that he has hurt me. H doesn't know why he's like this but he says that he will never hurt me again. The only way to guarantee that is if we were to divorce. H wants to straighten out his life. I know that abuse is a good enough reason to divorce but I know he loves me (that's the funny thing). He needs anger management classes. He grew up in an abusive home.

I know that I need to be loved and respected. Despite all this, it still hurts that we are divorcing. The deepest wound was when he gave is heart to someone else. What do I do?

What does he do to leave bruises on you?

Regarding the abuse.

He would grab me and hit me. I have had bruises on my face, arms and legs. We would not fight like this all the time. It actually has gotten better. It was worst about two years ago, about the same time the affair started. Now, the physical abuse only happens every few months but the emotional and mental abuse exist everyday.

"Now, the physical abuse only happens every few months"

So you are getting used to the abuse. Figure out a safe way to get away from him. You are in the most danger while trying to leave him. When you are safely away, tell him that if he doesn't get help for his issues, you are getting a divorce. Also get a restraining order.

Love does not hurt - he DOESN'T love you. Get away from him.

You need to get away from this man, dear. He is a wife beater and is not marriage material.

The deepest wound was when he gave is heart to someone else. What do I do?

You save yourself, from someone who can't give their heart away to anyone...because they somehow have convinced themselves that violence is an OK way to treat someone to whom they have given their heart....

you should contact his OP and warn her to be very very careful around this man....

time to quit discussions with this man....

time for you to go dark and have blabber mouth put his money where his mouth his..

all his talk of wanting to do right by you is quaint..but until he is in
therapy
mens support groups and
anger management with a good 3-6 months minimal under his belt....you should not let him in your life...

you also need to process this..

some of your sentiments about it used to be worse but now it is better since he does't act out violently as much NOW as BEFORE is a dangerous thought process...


you must establish boundaries with zero and I do MEAN ZERO tolerance for physical confrontations....with a plan in your back pocket if it happens again...

do you see how you have rationalized it
do you see in your posts how you have accepted it
and do you see in your posts how you still are focused on accepting that treatment in your life right today if he would have you...

you need serious support counseling as well....

please contact a shelter that has the resources and support to put you in the system....
of support and care you need to free yourself from this...

please please please be safe..
ARK

I try to be careful about posting here. I am not as familiar with MB principles as many of the experienced posters. However – I do have strong views on physical abuse.

As a former police officer I was shocked at the large number of calls I had to make due to domestic violence. The husband sitting in an armchair watching TV and denying having done anything wrong. The wife crying and trying to make us stay but not willing to press charges. Often a 6-8 year old standing in the doorway of a room, shielding his/her younger sibling. Both with wide staring eyes that looked so much older.

I guess since this is an anonymous forum and so many years have passed I can tell that if it really was a desperate situation we would goad the husband into taking a swing at us. Then at least we could arrest him for assaulting us. When we left we always implored the wife to do something. Only one in a hundred did.

Since then or for the last 17 years or so I have always done pro-bono work for a local woman’s shelter or made financial donations. Domestic violence is one of the bigger cancers in our society and is too widely ignored or condoned.

Statistically if you have daughters they will seek men who beat them. Your sons will be wife-beaters. Sure some people break the statistics but this is so common.

Please stand up to his abuse. MB is all about reconciliation and saving marriages but at reasonable cost. I honestly feel that dooming your kids to an abusive future is far out of “reasonable”. Your daughter might not be so “lucky” as to find a “mild abuser”.

I also feel that you deserve better. Don’t forget that some of the attachment you have for him is a consequence of his abusive behavior – not true love.

If you do reconcile then anger management is something he has to do. There is no way that using physical harm is justified in a marriage.

I understand about the abuse issue but how do I treat this affair? If WH were to go to anger management and get help, what then? Like I mentioned before, he is in such a hurry to file for divorce and I wonder if it's because he wants to get back with the OW. WH keeps telling me that he wants the divorce so that I can be free and live my life my way. Is he just making up excuses?

What I want to do is not be his friend, to limit my contact with him. When I don't see him, I feel strong but when I do see him, I feel soft and think that things could be worked out. I just don't trust him. WH says that he has not contacted the OW but I don't believe that he wont. Right now the OW is very angry at him for lying about our marriage. WH told OW that my husband and I have been separated for years. Not true, we have been living as husband and wife since we got married.

My WH does not want to go to counseling, he just wants the divorce. WH keeps saying that it's for me, so I can be rid of him. WH knows that he has been a horrible husband. I know that I can not save this marriage when the other party is not willing.

Please help. Thank you for all your advice so far. It has really helped me to see the light.

bychance,

He's handing you a gift. Take it. The divorce might be the best thing that happened to you. There are good men in this world - who do not beat their wives, do not have affairs and keep their finances in order.

I feel so sorry for your kids.

-AD

My xh at the end of our marriage, on one of the Ddays, pushed me down a flight of steps. I had bruises down one side of my body.

That day I ended marriage building plan A. I went into plan B and plan D. I packed up my suv, moved home and took ds with me. Stayed there to gain support as I had no family in GA.

My xh said that "I pushed him to do it"...and it was a lie.

Fast forward...this summer FV said to me that they fought violently. I did not fight with my xh like that though. All I did was ask him "what was this?" It was a hat that belonged to the OW. And he flew off handle.

This summer, he almost broke ow/w's jaw. She filed police report. But dismissed it b/c she wanted his money more.

And they have a little baby girl.

My xh is lost. Seriously lost. And this is yet another reason why if he left the ow...found himself, found faith I would not take him back...why? He is a spousal abuser.

You should be thankful that you can leave and that this angry man HAS ANOTHER OBJECT FOR HIS ANGER AND RAGES...THE OW. Let her have him. Gift wrap the !aSTARD for her!

I will always say try to save the marriage...but in this case...

I say try TO SAVE YOURSELF!

Get out now! It will only get worse.

You are becoming a true victim of this b/c you really believe that you "made" him do it.

And you would even entertain saving this? Going on a trip with a liar, cheater, and wife abuser? Reconciling with a man who DOES NOT RECOGNIZE HE HAS A SICKNESS AND NEEDS MENTAL HELP? AND MAYBE TO BE BEHIND BARS?

Save yourself. You are also suffering AND NEED TO SEEK THE HELP OF A WOMEN'S SHELTER AND COUNSELORS ARE THERE! PLEASE GET HELP!

I also after hitting the floor that day..thought that maybe I did something to my H to make him fly off handle like that? Nah. I did also find a photo of he and ow in his overnight bag. I took her hat and the photo and said as I walked to trashcan near my master bath "garbage belongs in the can". I was not yelling. Just saying it honestly. He went off deep end and yelled at me..I kept moving back...and back...and then he hit me and then pushed me down. My bro in law is a surgeon. He took photos of the bruises after I got back home. We reported it to TN police. And later on after he broke in my home a year later, he had RO against him by the country.

They rarely get better WITHOUT ANY SERIOUS MENTAL HELP ok?

This is why I am careful about posting here.... This site is all about saving marriages but physical abuse...

So you are both Christians... Your husband beats you and uses emotional abuse. He has an affair. Well, personally I have yet to hear of a church that condones that.

I truly believe respect is one of the cornerstones of marriage. Your husband is not showing you any respect. Honestly – the affair is just a continuation of his treatment of you. It’s like he has been trying through the years to see how he can burden you. Now he has found someone else he can boss around and you are old news.

In your shoes I would seriously consider accepting the divorce. Distance yourself from WH and go into a Plan B. Why not a Plan A? Well – the memory he has of you is someone he can manage with a backhand slap or a comment about your hair or whatever other method he has found for control. So reminding him of what he might be missing isn’t really a good idea.

If at some point in Plan B he wants you back then you really have to set your boundaries.

Honestly – I am hoping that by going to a Plan B you can distance yourself from the control this man has over you and realize you and your kids deserve the best.