Mr. Wondering has a point. You probably need to move up your exposure of this adultery. Get your list of people to expose to and get with it. You tell them what you’ve found out, you don’t tell them (or your wife) how you’ve documented the infidelity.

Don’t depend on your wife’s attitude staying the same as your last telephone conversation with her. As she gets used to the idea that you know specific facts about the adultery, she may well change her attitude. She may even become defiant and you can expect every kind of venomous, bitter, cruel nonsense to start coming out of her mouth. Roll with the punches. It’s standard fog stuff.

When you talk to your wife, your position can be that she found only the last tape that has gone through that recorder. Additionally, you can refer obliquely to other, unmentioned, proof, if you get pushed into a corner. Neither is a lie. Also, you’re not getting proof together for a courtroom while talking to your wife. The standard of proof is simply that you know what she’s been doing and she knows what she’s been doing too.

She doesn’t need to know what else you know or how you got it, how long you’ve been accumulating information, or anything else. Ask her to confess and come clean. Who knows what else you’ll find out? If you go that route, prepare yourself right now for some hurtful revelations.

I think you need to get busy and expose now to cut off WW and OM’s ability to get together and concoct a fantasy to deflect people from the truth. Remember, in a weird sort of way, you’re in a public relations war in this to the extent that if people know the truth, it puts pressure on your spouse, and through her, pressure on the adultery.

Good luck pardner. Hang tough.

Longhorn,
Do I start exposure before I talk to WW. Or after when she predictably refuses to end contact with OM? Does she get a chance, however slim to end it on her own or do I just go nuclear? What are my best options? Thanks!
68

Lost, look at what others have said in your thread already about exposure. Perhaps you could also read waitinonlove's thread and dazednkansas' thread for even more information. In my opinion, exposure should happen as nearly simultaneously as you can manage with confronting your wife.

It’s getting late in the afternoon so I don’t think it makes a heck of a lot of difference whether you expose now before talking to her or right after. Just don’t take her word that she’s going to change her whole life right then and there! If she leaves (to think it over, to get some space, whatever)…to me, that’s a signal she’s really wanting to gain a little time to revise history some more and get a head start in that PR game.

Let's face it. You used the word "predictably" when you spoke of her refusing to NC. You know her. We out here do not. I think your subconscious was poking you real hard when your mind chose that word.

I've got more than enough stuff for d-day now. Just hoping for 3rd party to payoff. Mr. W., My son was whining about his dinner this evening.(WW is out til late) I told him to Man-Up. It worked. He stopped whining and finished his dinner. Explaining the concept to a 4yr old made it clearer to me! Turbulent dark days ahead...
68

Good for you, lost. Hang tough!

OK-update. No new information from PI this morning. She wants me to wait until she has more until d-day. I'm tired of waiting. My primary objective is salvation of the marriage and reconciliaton which dictates I get started ASAP. The additional stuff the PI wants would only be used in getting me best possible D settlement, and I might not even need it at this point given what I've gathered to date.
The toothpaste is out of the tube with some good friends in town. (support for childcare issues.) Any recommendations?
Thanks-
69

You've got enough....do it this weekend. If it continues then you can get more anyway.

Mr. W

Thanks-
I talked to my brother today. He suggested the same. This feels sort of like the top of that first big hill on a roller coaster.
68

Lost, I don't know what your PI has developed so far, but I assume you're working with your attorney when you say you don't think you need anything more. If you're satisfied, it would appear it is time to expose to "God and everybody," as Grandma used to say.

Let r rip! And hang on...that first drop is a doozy!

In His arms

Remember....they often are deluded that absent having a videocamera or tape of them in the bedroom with OM that they can hold on to the denials. She will try to pin you down on the exact evidence you have to see if there is any wiggle room. You must bluff some to indicate you know it all and fill in some of the details to prove it but not exactly what you have and from where. You need her to have the impression you simply know everything and your beyond the denials. Also, don't be hurt by the fact this woman you trust(ed) and love can keep trying to lie to your face...don't bother trying to get the truth from her first...it won't happen.

Mr. Wondering

All,
Atty. would like a little more for airtight proof. Again, this is for if my prime objective is D. My prime objective is reconciliation and D-day to start process of ending the A. I could hold off on d-day for a little bit longer but not much. Local friends now know. I have too many potential leaks now to give PI much more time before exposing to WW. Also as Mr. W said, the next time could be when WW picks up the STD or gets pregnant. I'm leaning toward putting it all on the table today or tomorrow. Had a cigarette today, first since I was 13 and smoked til I got sick. Didn't get sick but it was pretty nasty.

Well, if the exposure doesn't do its job, there will probably be opportunities later to develop enough information to take it into the "air-tight" category.

Like the others have said, if your instincts say the time is right, I think you should go for it. Expose to everyone who can put pressure on the affair.

I sure don't want you taking up smoking. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> There are two little girls there who don't need to experience that.

at least tobacco is better than the crackrock your wife is smoking right now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Talked to another close friend of mine and WWs this evening.
She has been trying to get WW to open up to her for months. Told me once when WW was at this friend's house, she told WW of her ongoing concern. WW just said " I'm going through a really tough time right now" and hugged her but wouldn't elaborate. Knowledge of the A clears up lots of stuff for this friend. I think she and her husband will be tremendous assets should WW ever want to reach out to someone non-judgemental and supportive. I'm trying to build her some support as well as help for myself with the kids should WW go ballistic and leave. I'm finding some true foul weather friends in all of this at least. Tomorrow night is shaping up to be another night at the bar with the kids. Maybe PI can catch up with WW there having a drink with OM. He must be a little nervous now unless he's stoned. I Borrowed a .380 auto from a buddy for emergency use only.
68

LHL - Check your email and come over to the chat. K?

LHL68...

How's it going?? updates??

Update:
After I exposed, WW went totally ballistic. She said one of us had to move out and stopped talking to me. Her parents regard my exposure of her A as vindictive and see little or no hope for our marriage. That was last month. Now just last weekend, inlaws were visiting and were extra friendly to me. MIL is coming back next week to help with child care. The reason for that is the other big change. WW purchased a consigment shop in partnership with FIL and is pouring lots of energy and enthusiam into it. Her general demeanor seems to have improved since going into business for herself. She looks more like the woman I knew instead of the partygirl barhopper she became while in the midst of her A. Her attitude toward me is largely unchanged. I sleep in the basement she sleeps in the bedroom. She only talks to me when absolutely necessary. I think OM wants to stay away from her since exposure but believe she still has contact. I have good days and bad days. I want to move forward with some kind of recovery but don't know how as she won't communicate with me. She says she doesn't hate me. Says the feeling isn't that strong. Or significant. I'm looking for ideas on how to break this deadlock of just existing in the same house.
68

bump:)

Would she at all be receptive to you telling her you've arranged a sitter for friday night so you and she could have dinner and a movie. Don't ask her if she'd like you to do that, just arrange the sitter and tell her wednesday it's set up. If she refuses to go just indicate that the sitter is coming and you are going out and really wish she'd come. You have to get some alone time with her, even if NOTHING productive is discussed or mentioned...just alone time for conversation and fun.

One way to possible push this is to say, listen dear I know you don't want or think we can work this out, so if it's got to end I want to discuss with you as friends...we are friends aren't we? The end doesn't have to be MISERABLE, let's go out and try to enjoy a few moments together. What do you say?

I hope others have some ideas. Lost has been stuck in a stalemate with his WW for months. She wanted HIM to move out and divorce and since he won't leave and they live in a state with strict adultery laws she's maybe thinking she can freeze him out. It's a battle of wills that WW is winning some days but most days Lost is able to endure. Has anyone out there waited out a WS and the silence treatment and HOW DID THEY ALTER THE DYNAMIC.

Mr. Wondering