Ok shes a WXW maybe, Im wondering if I should do anything at all or just give up on the situation, we still are together almost daily, I spent the night there again last night, maybe I should just do the 180 list and try to be more independant and aloof. Is it too late for exposure, she says that ideally she would like to feel the way she used to about me again, but she doesnt think thats possible, I believe it is possible, is that a good sign that she says stuff like that?

AS, if you aren't going to do anything to bust up this affair, you should move on. Because unless you do that, it is hopeless..

You have many opportunities here and I can't imagine why you wouldn't do a damn thing to utilize them, but that is certainly your perogative.

Is this not her first affair?

Notice I didn't say he didn't, Mel...

I only asked him to consider if first, he would pursue a woman engaged in an adulterous relationship (I wouldn't if I were him) and second, if he thinks screwing around with her personal relationships is an effective tact to that end (I don't).

It's be sort of like me becoming involved with someone AFTER I'm divorced and my ex-wife interfering with it. She has every right to do what she wants, but it certainly wouldn't endear me to her. In fact, sufficient interference might result in legal recourse.

Because of Atomic's early action to divorce, he has actually put himself in an entirely different place than if he had attempted a reconciliation.

Low

I have to ask...are you having sex with her? Or are you just hanging out like good friends sometimes do.

This could be more confusing to your kid's than anything else.

I agree that he should consider if he wants to pursue a relationship with a liar and a cheater, however, I don't agree that it would be ineffective, or out of line, to expose the doctor at work or to his wife. It could very likely end the affair, and that is hardly ineffective.

The XW may be justified in her end of the affair [from a legal standpoint], but the doctor most certainly is not, as he is married. Coming down on the doctor might very well stop him in his tracks. Nor is there anything illegal about notifying his W and his employer that the good doctor is having an affair that contributed to the demise of AS' marriage. The truth will be his defense.

He has agreed to be her "friend." In other words, he is making himself available to be used by her.

AS, I like to repeat my earlier post. Just what the heck to you want to change? Here you are three pages into posting on this website and I STILL can't figure out what you have in mind. In reading all of your posts, you seem awfully complacent about the status quo and hesitant to expand your horizons, as it were. You want to talk, but not do. Frankly, if you're unwilling to do SOMETHING, what's the point of asking questions out here as to your best course of action?

Like Melody and the others have told you, if you want something to change…expose, expose, expose. In the military we have a saying that goes something like “sh*t or get off the pot.” If you keep dithering around forever, mister, you’re just wasting your time.

I think he is afraid to expose the Dr. on the job because XW may loose her job, not the Dr. I would be careful about that too.

I don't think writing a letter to tell him how you feel would be wrong though, I mean he did help destroy your marriage and all, and it may put a damper on things. But I would stay away from putting threatening words in the letter. Remember "vengeance is the Lords, he will repay."



Lady

Ok this is getting into the psychology of our relationship than I wanted, as I have stated earlier she was abused a lot as a child and has anger management problems because of it. She is actually a very good mother, she tries harder to do things for and with the kids than any other woman I know but she cracks under stress and lashes out. She has a vulnerable side to her that I love but its hard to get her to open up to you enough to see it. I am very calm and level headed and when I am around and she is under stress I am usually able to divert her agression from the kids or redirect her to avoid a problem, when Im not there she is occasionally abusive towards them. We have joint custody and I dont think I could do full custody with my work and financial situation, things are hard enough as it is. I have alwasy been protective of her, when we first started dating there where situations where I had to protect her from her mom, sometimes physically but more often emotionally and I have never really given up trying to protect her, which I know she resents at times but it is also one of the things she really likes about our relationship. She even told me once that one of the things she really misses that he doesnt do is that I take care of her. Im not just doing this for the kids but that is one of the reasons that I havent given up yet I think, I obviously have feelings for her still but I also want to be able to tell the kids someday when the ask me why they werent raised in a normal family or why me and my WXW didnt get back together is that I did everything I could to repair things but it wasnt possible, not that I gave up on their family because it was the easy thing to do.

Exposure works to save a marriage because there is an assumption that the affair is only distracting the wayward from their marriage.

There is no marriage here. While exposure might be right from a strict TRUTH standpoint, it's less likely to further his cause WHEN THERE IS NO MARRIAGE.

As we've come to see as of late, there ARE benefits to selective honesty...

Low

That is bullcrap, this is very much a relationship regardless of whether they are still married or not. We have many marriages here that made it all the way to DIVORCE and came back to the dead. The principles do not change just because of a piece of paper.

Just because his divorce has been final, does not mean he has to just give up. The effectiveness of exposure still stands regardless of whether or not they are still legally married. You cannot deny the effectiveness of exposure.

Are you serious? You actually believe that sending this craven, sick, immoral coward a letter telling about his "feelings" would make a difference? This is a man who had an affair with a married MOTHER that led to the breakup of her marriage and you really believe he would give a DAMN about AS's feelings? How much crack does one have to smoke to muster up that kind of logic?

Longhorn, here is my problem, I want things to get better with me and my XW but Im not sure the best course of action, things have been getting better lately. Not a lot better but she asks me to stay over occasionally and has given me a key to her place, we talk more than we used to and when we are alone without the kids she seems to actually be enjoying herself sometimes. She continues to talk to the OM and maybe more but things seem to be on the downswing with him. She is not affectionate with me but she did initiate a sexual encounter the other night for the first time in about a year. I want to know if things are getting better, they feel a little better but how much can we recover with him still in the picture, Im afraid to expose him and them because whatever progress we have made might be destroyed and she doesnt forgive and forget like a normal person, she still brings up things that have happened nearly a decade ago when we get into arguements. She has a very good memory. Does that help you to understand my situation?

AS, she should "remember" that you exposed her affair. That will be a good thing. She should know that you are a man who stood up and tried to save his marriage.

You know what, LO, I think you're right. Exposure might help the Doctor's wife get HER marriage corrected, and I'd do it for that reason alone. But it won't do Atomic any good at all. I think I've figured it out. Darn it, he's only interested in justifying himself to his kids somewhere down the line and not much else. THAT's why he's just talking in circles out here.

*sigh*...again, I never said he had to give up. You've misrepresented me twice, Mel

What I did say...and I think I'm right...is that the rule ARE different now.

Let's suppose your ex-H suddenly decides he want you back, Mel...what kinds of behavior do you think would be justifiable in pursuing you? Would it matter if you were remarried or not? After all a DIVORCE is only a piece of paper. What if he thinks there's still a relationship there?

If my ex were to try and insert herself into my life when it was undesired, I might consider a PPO...

No, the rules are not different, LOW. A piece of paper does not nullify the effectiveness of exposure. All the rules are the same. He is not "inserting" himself into anything, they are already *IN* a relationship, nothing has changed in that regard.

Wow Mel, scuse me!! I really didn't think it would effect OM as much as it might help Atomic to write it. I would really have a really hard time not saying a word to the very one who has had a long term A with my S , and destroyed my marriage and family....wouldn't you?

But anyway, he is divorced now, what does it matter. She is his XW now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Maybe he could draw some cute little happy faces on the letter telling his "feelings?"