I am back. Thank you all for your support. Where do i begin...well the last couple of months i have not been feeling to positive about my M. I dont know if it is a normal phase or just me. I know that i havent really done my best at being the best wife at this time, for i am sort of trapped in my own feelings. I know that there is not a lot of room on this forum for self pity so i havent said anything. I guess compared to some I should be really grateful that my H has ended the A and wants to stay with me but i cant seem to forget about the A and the feelings that i felt leading up to it. I guess the history of our relationship has always been, me getting upset about something, talking at him (because he didnt talk back) and then him being "good" for a little bit and then going back to his old ways while i just "got over it" I see this pattern happening right now. The better wife i am and try to do the things that will help our marriage the more comfortable he seems to get and then my needs are no longer met and he waits for me to "get over it"
So then i feel like giving up, and i come here and read and I am then inspired to really work and figure out how to make our marriage beautiful. I went to the library and got HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS and i read it and thought YES this is it, this will make everything better (not in a fantasy dream kind of everything better though)...told my H to look at it and said that this is how i have been feeling and this is how you can help, read the book. He looked it over and commented that it must have been written in the 50's and that the wives in the book are stepford wives. Now I know that my H is not traditional in the way that most men are...he is not some testoterone fuled "man" who has to strut his stuff, he is very compassionate and more like a girl in some aspects (but not infeminate if you know what i mean) but i felt like this was a slap in my face. He says that he is trying, and yes maybe in his mind he is, but I really think that what he thinks is trying is not what i need. He has given up the computer and his phone and i am in complete control of all our money, and yes that was a sacrifice of sorts but that is all related to the A. What i want is for him to work on the M and meeting my needs so that i can feel happy about meeting his too. I know i should probably just give it more time.
So this leads us up to yesterday. DD was sleeping over at her cousins house and it was just me, DS, and H. We all were on the bed talking and playing a new Nintendo DS game trying to decide what to do for dinner. Somehow things got in a wrestling/tickling match between my H and S. I saw that my H was going to push my S off the bed and i sat up to tickle him (to get him to let go) when my S fell off the bed headfirst. I yelled at my H that he didnt have to push S off the bed when my H sort of flipped out...he got this desperate weird tone and started to yell and then punched a hole in the wall. This seriously freaked me out. He did this before when i first found out about the A and found a love letter he wrote to her when he was supposed to be on a business trip, and he was really with her. I told him we were over then and he started to punch four holes in the wall. It is freaking me out because he has NEVER had a history of violence and anger like this with me. I told him before that i didnt like him punching holes in the wall and then having to explain to the kids and neighbors (who are all extremely shocked that my H would do such a thing...they probably think i must have done something really bad to get him that angry) why there are holes in the wall.
I left the house for a little bit to calm down. Told him to leave...i didnt want him here. He didnt go....ended up sending him and my S out to dinner without me...that is when i wrote this message. Havent had a chance to get back on.
I dont think he is reading anything here anymore, and frankly i dont care if he does. You see, I have nothing to hide in our relationship. I am all about telling the truth, so if he is reading this, good!
So where am I now...I dont know...I am confused and I dont know where to go. Do I want a divorce...No....but I dont know if i can make this marriage work. I feel like the only way it will work is if I just "GET OVER IT" sorry if this is confusing...i have so much going on in my brain and it is all jumbled, not to mention 2 kids interupting with their own dramas... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
