Hi,
First, my story....
Her 37, me 47 married 15 years together 20 years.
2 kids D10 and D15
Basically W has been unhappy for years due to my depression / drinking / overall crappy life. Has wanted to 'leave the marriage' several times over the past 3 years after attending spiritual retreats in Hawaii.
In October she went to one. called while she was there, I love you and stuff like that. But on the last day was really weird. Came back and was loving and happy to be home. Next day she told me 'I want a divorce, in the last 2 days I met someone there who is my soul mate from a previous life'. She said our marriage was unhappy anyways and she needed to 'find herself' and wasn't intending on getting into a relationship but needed to be 'free'.
After 6 weeks of phone calls and e-mails to and from him (he lives 3,000 miles away) she went to see him to 'sort out her feelings' and came back 'totally in love, he is the one, on cloud 9. Full blown affair now. He says the same thing.
We still live in the same house, she is in the extra room. We are usually pretty coordial to each other but from time to time she will exhibit old 'loving' behaviors, rubbing my hair, saying things that were special to us. Read my old thread for some info.
Now, every day she is on her computer using Instant Messenger to talk to OM, sends and receives e-mail daily and talks on the phone every other day (trying to save money as I told her that her calls to him were costing us).
From the beginning I changed my attitude and stopped drinking and have a decent relationship with her and have her to the point to where she says to OM: "This is weird, I have a lover named (OM) and an soon to be ex husband who is trying to be my friend. Who would have thought..."
I don't know if this is an 'affair' since she asked for a divorce before it became 'real'. But she also did everything she could to MAKE it become real.
He professes his love for her, because they are soul mates - and 'knew this' when they looked into each others eyes in Hawaii at the retreat. He was there with his girlfriend of 3 years who he broke up with when he got home, but she still lives with him. CLaims he was going to break up anyway.
W said when she saw him she 'felt feelings that could not be described in words'. She lamented that she would rarely see him because of the distance, and the fact that she would never leave the kids. But they would 'get together' as often as they could.
It has kept escalating. She thinks about him more than she thinks about the kids or our life here. Xmas was tough because she had to call him Xmas Eve and Xmas day. She goes out of the house to do this but will also sit in her room on computer doing IM.
He recently claimed he was going to move across the country within a year because of her influence on him. She's now asking what kind of relationship will they have, etc...
An analysis of the 'affair' shows it to be 'classic'. OM smokes, has personal problems and doesn't really deal with his life issues any better than she does. It was an instant and total 'in love' situation and she is obsessed with him. OUr marriage had problems but I have compeltely changed my part in it and she knows it but is infatuated with OM and tells me that she loves me differently now. Not in love, the usual stuff.
We see a marriage counselor together once a week so we can 'heal our wounds' to prepare us for being coparents. Our MC tells me she doesn't think Wife has stopped loving me, she is just trying to learn how to love herself but OM has gotten in the way.
So, I did all the changes to help fill her love bucket. Now it seems like plan B is in order, to withdraw my supportiveness so she can experience life without the thinkgs she gets from me. Then she can see if OM can fulfill those needs from 3,000 miles away.
Because of the kids, we are still living in our house, but in separate rooms. We had begun to be more friendly lately and I think that's the best time to start a 'plan B' since she has gotten used to my support now.
But, I am trying to think about things to do to detach without moving out of the house. Or, is that the only way to do a 'plan B'?
Anybody have any ideas on how to 'plan B' but stay in the same house without coming across as 'avoiding her'?
thanks
frank
