Hi newly, I was browsing your threads and saw that you are in Plan B. Did you do this officially with a Plan B letter? I think you are doing great, btw!

Actually I didn't do the letter. On the day he left the last time I told him everything I would have said in a letter. I even asked to go to therapist. No way would he agree. Just said let me go. I said I didn't want to do that. After the third time he said it I turned and walked out. I had written him a letter about a week before we separated the first time. Explaining to him that he was right I was being selfish by wanting him to stay when he was so miserable and I was going to let him go. I hoped she made him happy. I also said he tells me he tried but he hadn't, if he had he would have spent time with me but instead he chose to spend time with her. I also told him he had made me more miserable in the last year than I had been in my life. It was time to get on with life and see what the future held. I was happy once and I would be again. He promptly showed it to her and asked her opinion on it. He didn't move out and would have continued to cake-eat until I caught him with her and told him to leave. I don't think I handled it right but I can't help that now. I took him back after that and I once again caught him again. He knows I am willing to work on the marriage as he had indicated to people he could go home if he wanted. Sorry to say for him it won't be that easy again.

newly, the foundation of Plan B is the Plan B letter. The reason it is so critical is because the letter clearly outlines your position and most importantly, gives them a path back. It announces that you are now in control and that he is not to contact you until certain conditions are met.

This puts all the power into your hands and tells the WS that you are no longer at his mercy. You are no longer REACTING TO HIM. The tables have turned and you are taking back control of your life.

A fogged out WS forgets or distorts what is told to him because he is fogged out. But with a letter, there can be no misunderstanding. Many WS tell of reading that letter over and over again, that is how important it is.

The letter makes it clear that you love him and are willing to forgive him if he meets certain criteria.

By not sending a Plan B letter, it gives the appearance to the WS that you are just giving him the cold shoulder and punishing him. Without the letter, it says that your actions are nothing more than a REACTION to his actions. The letter says otherwise. That is a dangerous perception that can prevent reconciliation. The Plan B letter prevents this perception. It is extremely critical to a proper Plan B.

Another key piece of Plan B is total darkness. Every contact that he has with you, gives him the fix necessary to go out and conduct his affair for another day. But when he is forced to go long periods of time without that fix, no matter how minute, he gets extremely antsy and is forced to recoginize how much he misses having his needs met by you.

Here is a good sample if you are interested in doing Plan B: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post1143897

I will work on a plan b letter. Do you think this will also be something he will share with her or other people. Has anyone had this happen? I don't know if this will make a difference to him or not. I have initiated filing for divorce and we will be going to court soon. My lawyer told me I could put it on hold at any time. Is this a problem? I needed to protect myself financially because he is neglecting to pay the mortgage and some other loans. I really don't want this to become a topic of conversation between him and other people. That is my only hesitation. I don't know if we still have a chance or not.

I would consider sending her a COPY of the letter, or at the least, HOPE that he shows it to her. Harley recommends ccing the OP. It often has the effect of making the OP SWEAT BULLETS when they learn that you are offering the WS a path back to you only if he dumps the bag. It can create major conflict in the affair. She likes that you are in Plan B and especially likes that he feels punished. See, that helps HER. But a Plan B letter tells a different story. A story that threatens her little house of cards.

As far as your divorce, you did the right thing in taking action to protect yourself financially, but you don't want to give him the impression that you WANT a divorce. [tell him this in your letter] He should understand that the only reason you filed is, not because you want a divorce, but becasue you had to protect yourself financially.

Then, put the D on hold, or drag it out as best you can. This will probably all be resolved and you don't want to end up divorced before that happens. And mostly, you don't want him to think you are DONE with the marriage and have moved on! That is the message sent by divorce, though.


You probably do if you play your cards right. He will get bored with the OW pretty soon here. See, she only meets 1-2 needs of his, and you meet 3-4. He won't realize this until you are out of the picture. That shocking realization often has the effect of yanking them off the fence. But that is why it is so important that you really do GO DARK in your Plan B. Any contact only gives him a fix and enables him to carry on his affair for another day.

I'm sure you are right. I don't think she is as comfortable in the relationship as she would like to be. After all he did move out and move back home once that has got to be in the back of mind. Also our son plays basketball and we have to see each other at the games. He never brings her, after all he never is seen in public with her in our town. We actually live in a very small town. That has got to be a LB for her that she is alright to live with but he doesn't want to be seen with her. I always try to look really good at the games so he will see what he is missing. I don't ever talk to him only see him. I know he notices because he has made comments to people about how good I look and they got back to me.

A little background information on her. Her mother had an affair with someone and walked out on the family when they were teenagers and her father is an alcholic. Both of the sisters are known for being golddiggers and if you ask anyone about them no one ever has anything good to say about them. I think she will hang in there at least for awhile because where else would she go. She would have to have another sucker on the hook so she would have somewhere else to move. I don't know how long that will take but surely she would be getting tired of how she has to live soon. I know I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone I could live with but not go to his place of business or be seen together in the town where I lived. It's really a sad life if you think about it.

Your right I am sure she is not happy being hidden like that.

Now my WH sports his trollup all over town. Of course most people who see them laugh behind their backs and can't figure out what he see's in her. But we live in a large town of over 100,000 people....

He has lost all of our friends over this so all they have is each other and her creepy friends.... So people who have been our friends for years won't have anything to do with them....

Kinda a lonely life if you ask me..... Oh well his choice I say....

Our town is really small. The county we live in is large and I would say it only has about 12,000 people in it if that.

Most people who know about the A and who she is and how old she is shake their heads and say they can't believe it.

I dread the day I have to see them in public. Although he has said he will move after our DS graduates. Whether he will or not we will see. He has also lost alot of friends over this though I don't know if he realizes it yet.

Everyone says he will wake up one day and be sick over this. I'm not sure he will ever realize what he lost and who knows he may not think he lost anything. At the moment he certainly doesn't act like it.

That's what I try to keep in mind. This was his choice not mine.

I'm back. So much has happened since I've last posted. My dad had brain surgery on Jan 5th, all went well with that however he threw a blood clot on the 7th and he has been in 3 hospitals and 1 rehab hospital since then and just came home on Thursday night. I haven't had much time to post and I really haven't had time to do anything but concentrate on that and my situation.

I think I have made a mess of everything and I need a new plan. I really wasn't in a true plan b I just didn't contact WH but on the few occasions I needed the money he was supposed to be giving me otherwise I let him contact me. I don't think plan b is the answer at this time. I just don't know what the answer is. My WH has been acting a lot different in the last month. I think the A may be winding down. He has been working later and has been going out with friends instead of spending time with her. She has been hanging out at the video store where her sister works alot. That's something she hasn't been doing since he moved out.

Valentine's Day was senior night for my son's basketball team. The seniors and their parents were recognized and we had to walk out on the floor together. Before we went out my WH asked if I wanted to take son out for dinner after the game. I said I didn't know we would need to ask if he had plans. Turns out we went to eat my Wh, myself, son and his girlfriend. After I left the restaurant I drove past the video store and OW was there just hanging out with her sister. Some Valentine's Day for her. We have talked a few times since. Nothing about us just chit chat about finances and my dad. Things had started to look up. Until tonight. I LBed but couldn't help it.

After going to see my dad I came through town and OW was at the video store in my WH truck. Now he has been really careful to not be seen anywhere in town with her although everybody knows about them. Now this is the same video store my son goes to regularly. I couldn't resist I called him and said WH, OW is in town in your truck. He said yes. I said sitting in front of video store for all the world to see. He replied "Do what." I repeated it again. I told him DS goes there all the time and it was alright to hurt me but don't hurt the kids. He said he wasn't trying to hurt anyone. I said bull**** and hung up. I called him back and asked him what would he do if DS had went in and saw that. He sighed really big and said I don't know. Then he said someone had come in and I said well think about it and hung up. She left immediately after I called him the first time. I really don't think he knew she was there. I could be wrong but he is really careful that nobody can say they have seen them together in town.

I know this was all wrong and I have been doing really well with not LBing and getting a life. I have probably really messed things up.

One of DS's friends is staying with us and he goes to my WH shop alot since he is friends with all of us. He says he never talks about the situation to him and he thinks she is starting to get on his nerves. He acts annoyed when she calls and says he has to go someone just came in when he is the only one there and he had been there awhile. I have never asked him anything until tonight and I told him not to say anything to DS because I didn't want to ever say anything else about the situation to him or in front of him. DS knows about her. I just don't discuss it with him.

So now how bad did I mess up? Any advice would really be appreciated.

Any advice on where to go from here. I was doing so well up until now.

Bump

Hello there newly. I feel a lot like you do except I am the BH and I have a WW. She has actually told people how wonderful I am prior to her going crazy. "My husband is a great husband, father, and man" (her words). I treated her like a queen. (this may be the problem for us both). I make 6 figures, I am, without being, obnoxious a pretty decent looking guy, I have a great career, I love kids, I am good help around the home, I put her first, etc. I did all of these things yet in the end she had an A with a man that was 23 years her senior. (opposite of your WH) I think the A is over (not completely sure) and we still talk and get along okay but she has not expressed the first amount of remorse or any longlasting willingness to undertake working on our M. I think she would be fine with a D if it meant she could keep everything like it is with me gone. It is beyond me and friends say the same thing your friends say, to quote Dr. Phil.."What the hades is she thinking". I honestly do not know the answer to this question. I only hope that your WH and my WW "get it" before neither of us have anything left in the tank.

Up until yesterday we were starting to get friendly and he was starting to put some distance between them. Altough they are still living together. He is spending more and more time away from home working and going out with friends and she is hanging out at the video store. I think last night was a ploy on her part to show everyone they are still together. After I called him she was gone in no time. I just wish he would wake up and see she is an immature kid and he is also acting like an immature kid. I have been up and down today about whether or not I should have called him. I guess I really shouldn't have but what's done is done.

Hopeandpray,
I like your name that seems to be all I've been doing lately. There is no information in your profile and I haven't looked up any of your posts. How old are you and you're wife and do you have any kids. I too hope they wake up soon. I think my H is waking up some I just don't know if he will wake up and do what it takes to reconcile. I will look into your posts to see what your situation is. Thanks for posting.

Newlyhopeful

You hang in there.

My thread is below under "Been Reading...". I am 43 and my WW? is 34.

I too hope they wake up soon. I haven't been at this as long as you. My d-day was January 4, 2006. The A started sometime in Oct. 2005 as EA and progressed to a PA likely in Nov. timeframe??

I am trying to be strong for my kids sake. I want so bad to just take her by the head and place her face in front of the mirror and say look at what you have become. Do you like this person? If no, then do something about it!! I wake up and know that this is of no use right now.

My H would say I know I've messed up and I don't know why. I would tell him well fix it and he never tried. He just wouldn't talk to or see her for a few days and then it was back to the same. The really stupid thing is he never changed the things he did so it was really easy to know he was still at it. You know looks like when you were caught you would at least change some things around so it wasn't so obvious. The limbo is what I hate. Holding out hope for a change. This is so not like him.

I am going to go back to what I was doing and try to stay in control and not call when she does something stupid. Maybe it helped if she was already getting on his nerves. I can't imagine trying to have a relationship with someone younger than my daughter. How could they not get on your nerves after awhile. It would be like raising another child. Yuck.

My kids are the best thing I have ever done. They are two of the best kids I know and I'm not just saying that as their mom. I couldn't have asked for better. Good luck and keep posting it helps me to vent here. Maybe if I had done that last night I wouldn't be worried about my reaction.

Newly,
I'm in Nashville and my kids are about the same age as yours. my WH is also having a major MLC.

sounds like you're holding up well and have a good support system with your family.

keep posting. the folks here are incredibly compassionate & helpful.

cgw

I think that you WH will "get it" at some point and realize this fantasy with a 21 yr old for what it is and that it is not going anywhere. I also think that my WW has begun to realize this with her 57 year old buddy (she says its over and it appears it might be?, but still has some contact on certain nights at place of employment). At that point the frustrating part becomes.."Okay the little A and fantasy is over"..where is you concern for working on our R and M for our kids sake, your sake and my sake? I know there is such a thing as withdrawal so maybe that's it. Also, I know that my WW has a job that is like a second A partner is that it affords a terrible lifestyle of being away from home overnight, away from reality (kids, husband, bills, responsibilities, etc) and surrounds herself with a terrible and inferior friend network. I hope something changes soon for me an you.

CGW,

Wow your only about 60 miles from me. Back in January I was at Vanderbilt almost everyday for about 2 weeks with my dad. I have read a few of your posts, I will have to check in on your thread and catch up on your story. Thanks for the encouragement.

Hopeandpray,

I think he is really starting to get it. He has been telling people he has stayed at his shop a few nights. Sounds like reality may be setting in. Who knows. Last night my son had a game and on my way home I have to pass the video store and who should be there but OW. I also think she has maybe lost her job. So sad to be her. I too hope something changes soon for both of us. Keep posting. I haven't had time to read all of your thread. I will try to today.