I'm new here. I found this site because I've been trying to figure out if I should stay or I should go. I'm so confused. A few weeks ago my husband said he wants a divorce. This will be at least the 3rd time in our 1 1/2 years of marriage that he's done that. I convinced him to go to counseling, but he's given me until the end of April to work things out with him. (because his job is taking him oversears for a year in June) The kids and I were supposed to go with him, but I've told him that i won't give up my job and my security now, even if things do work out, which has made him even angrier at me. I don't understand how he can't see that he's put me in a bad spot by not giving me any security by always threatening divorce.
This has been a pretty complicated relationship from the beginning. My husband's first wife died of cancer and left him a single parent of a baby. Now I've adopted his son, but the problem is that he can't accept me as the mother of his child. I guess if he didn't want me to raise him, he should have said that he wasn't comfortable with that. It's too late now, our son is 4 and has called me Mom since he was 2 1/2.
We are in counseling right now. As much as I haven't wanted a divorce, I don't know how to even be nice anymore. I've been threatened too many times, there are too many built up resentments...I don't know how to let go of all that. When my husband is sweet, which he is now, I fall in love with him all over again, but it never lasts. He's like Jekell and Hyde...nice for awhile and then just nasy.
How do you get past the resentment so you can work on it?
Can you work on it if he thinks that only YOU need to work on things?
I'm so confused. One minute I want to walk, the next I want to see where it goes.

Welcome to MB. Please read up on Basic concept & General welcome. Working on M by yourself is hard.

Does he finish greiving his first wife ?. How the two of you started the R ?.

Why he threaten you Dv ?.

When he is nice ? and when he turns nasty ? any paticular pattern ? nasty to get what he wants ?

Your MC should have answer for you.

M is 100% from you and 100% from him.


Hang in there.
-rh-

I'd say no, he never greived his loss. I asked him to go to counseling for it, but he doesn't think that there is any issue there.

We dated for about a year and then got married.

He's threaten me with divorce, because he is not happy...and I'm not happy.

He's nice when he doesn't want to lose me, he's nasty and cold when he can't control me or his life.

I obviously can't make anyone work on anything. I can only work on me. my husband doesn't think he has anything to work on so I'm not so sure this will work.

goto Just found out forum under infedelity, read the first 3 threads to understand more about MB.

Good insight ... understand in MB that you are responsible for his love for you. The way to build love is avoid LB and fillin the Love Bank bu fillin his top 3 ENs. If his Love Bank is overflowing ... he would reprociate love to you.

It will work unless he has personality/mental issues, addiction included. He might be passive agreesive type. Under neath all of the nastiness is fear of loosing you.

Read up and learn MB.

Question for you ... what make him wanting to marry you ?. You said that he turns nasty when he can't control his life. What do you mean by that ?.

-rh-

I am new here also and wanted to respond because I was in a very similar situation. I have been married for 2 1/2 years and seperated now for a year. From the beginning of my marriage, my soon-to-be-ex kept threatening me with divorce. He threatened me almost every week and I would beg him not to divorce me. He would also tell me how unhappy he was and I would get very upset. I talked to him about this (divorce) and he continued to do it. I resented him for it and never felt secure in my marriage. I felt it was the worst thing any spouse could say. I tried very hard to make him happy so that he would quit saying those awful things. However, it did not work. He continued to tell me he wanted a divorce and eventually found somebody else and left me. I hope things turn out different for you, but my husband never quit threatening me and I never got over the hurt it caused me inside.

I'm sorry LilyGrace. I think men threaten as a way to control and when they can't control you, they are unhappy.

I told my husband last night that I will no longer 'beg' him to try to work it out. I don't need to do that, he needs to figure out what he wants cause I'm not going to fight about it anymore.

I think I'm done though. How can I stay with him constantly threatening to leave and then the next he wants to stay and work it out. I don't trust him anymore. He's also said that he only needs to work to be with me, there is no reason to work on himself without me, he's happy without me.

I'm guessing it's done and there isn't anymore I can do.

My STBXH and I also dated for a year before getting married. It is funny because he immediately wanted to get married. It seems like for as fast as he wanted to get married was as fast as he wanted a divorce. When we were dating, he always broke up with me. That should have been a red flag! All I know is that I said and did things I would not normally do because I had no security in my marriage. I walked on eggshells and EVERY time I did something wrong - he told me he wanted a divorce. I had a lot of anger and resentment over that. Then he would have the nerve to tell me that I was so insecure! He gave me a reason to be insecure in our marriage.

Your story is similar to mine also because my STBXH wanted to move out of state to get another job. He did not like the area we were living in. I told him before we got married that I would not move away. Then, this year he told me he was going to move and that he resented me for holding him back. He did not ask me - he told me. I did tell him that I would move if he and I got our marriage back together(we were seperated). I said I would not just pick up and leave my security considering he and I were not getting along. However, if we did get things back on track, I would move away with him.

Your husband sounds like mine. It seems like he wants to call the shots. You mentioned that he said he is giving you until April to work things out. Well what about the work that he has to do?? That is something that my ex would say to me. He would tell me that he was tired of waiting for me to get my sh*t together. He would also tell me repeatedly how unhappy he was and that he didn't know if the marriage was going to work. Every time I begged him not to divorce me. I know that sounds pathetic, but that is what happened. You sound like you are in a similar situation and I just hope that you don't have to continue to fight for your marriage. It is very draining! Not only that, but you lose yourself in the process.

Well, yesterday I finally just put my foot down and told him I would not beg, I would not be intimidated, I would not be threatened, etc. He is now emailing me and telling me that we need to work this out, he loves me, we need to stop hurting each other...well, I'm thinking he may have gone too far. Why couldn't he think about wanting to be together and happy and about how much he loves me before he put me through the ringer?
It feels good to stand up for myself and not let him walk all over me. I don't want to be divorced, but until he works on his control issues I can't be with him.
I'm sorry you went through all of that too. It feels horrible to be told you are messed up and you are to blame for the marriage not working. I hope you have found peace in yourself now that he's gone. You deserve better too.

I think it is good that you put your foot down. If you don't, they will keep on doing it! I was a fool and every time he would tell me he wanted a divorce, I would beg him not to divorce me. At least if you show your husband that you will not tolerate this type of behavior, you can have self respect. I really do believe you teach people how to treat you. I am having trouble dealing with the fact that I let somebody treat me in such a way that left me with absolutely no no self esteem. I do feel your pain and hope that your husband realizes how hurtful and damaging it is to say such things.

It's VERY hurtful as you know and he doesn't understand why I can't trust him now. Last weekend he said he's decided he's commited to workign this out no matter what...then through the week, he's been waffeling...typical.
No one thinks I should go overseas at this point...even MC. I love him so much, but I sure can't do this forever. It's absolutely insane!!