My wife and I are both 27 years old and just had our 7th wedding anniversary. We have a beautiful 16 month old son, and are curently settling into civilian life as we both have just left government service. We are both full time students, my wife completing her undergrad and I my grad degree. The first 5 years of our marriage was on and off from my perspective, arguments here and there (but nothing major), and some time issues (mainly not spending enough time together).

The past 2 years however have been much more difficult. We have a good amount of distance between each other, we don't spend much time together (mostly my fault due to studies and work), and we can't seem to agree on anything. To be honest I just don't feel that the love I once had for her is there anymore. I lack interest in spending time with her and being with her sexually (although I still find her very attractive). At the same time I have known another woman who is a friend to me, and my feelings for her are the exact opposite of the feelings I have for my wife. It is almost like I am falling in love with her, yet I refuse to accept this and will not let our relationship grow beyond friendship. If there is one thing I am against it is infidelity, and will never make that leap no matter how bad things are currently with my wife and I.

I feel so alone now. I am afraid to speak to my wife about my feelings because I know she will be crushed, yet at the same time I know if I do not do something I will be making myself unhappy and only distancing our family more. I can not blame my wife for any of my feelings, because I know in my heart it is ultimately my actions and lost interest that brought our relationship to where it is now. I spoke to my priest (catholic) about this and the answers I recieved weren't really any help at all.

Basically I am wondering a few things and I hope some people here can chime in and give me some suggestions beyond what I have read thus far. Is our marriage capable of saving? Is it better than I sacrifice my happiness for the sake of my wife and child? Is there anything I can personally do to erase (for a lack of a better word) these feelings of love I have for this other woman and renew them with my wife? Our son is the biggest thing on my mind out of all of this, and I only want what is best for him. If that means doing everything I can to correct my issues with our marriage then that is what I hope to do. I would appreciate any advice you all could give me in this trying time of my life. Thank you.

Yes you can. You came to the right place. MB believe that love could be recreated. Go to Infidelity - Just Found Out forum and read the first 3 posts. Then come back here.

In short ... yes we could fall out of love because our need are not met or we could fall in love because our need are met. Understanding about emotional need is the key.

You could have happiness with your wife and kids if you follow the 4 gifts of love to your W and teach her about MB.

First you have to have faith and follow the steps. NC is a must with OW.

-rh-

Whenever you find yourself attracted to someone other than your spouse,the answer is to completely stop seeing the other person, AND spend much more fun, happy time with your spouse.

There are so many good things on Dr. Harley's site that can answer every one of your questions and give you great hope. I suggest you start with the Basic Concepts, then read every single Question & Answer, and every single Article. By then, you'll have a much stronger hold on the concepts and how to apply them to your situation.

Good luck! Your marriage sounds ABSOLUTELY saveable! If you follow the program (without trying to skip parts), I believe you'll see positive change in your marriage within a short time.

Our thoughts and prayers are with you. If you prayed for an answer that would really help, then here it is. :-)

Thank you both for responding. I will do some reading on the site tonight, and I am looking forward to implementing it. You both have given me hope in these dark times of mine, and I am appreciative. Thanks.

How are you doing? Just checking in to see if you are having any issues that we can support you through, or successes we can rejoice with you in!

Keep posting, we would love to help!

Well sadly things aren't improving much at all to be honest. I did a lot more reading and soul searching, but this whole situation only seems to sicken me more and more (to the point of feeling physically ill at times). I have cut down talking to my friend in question, and have spent more and more time with my wife. The problem is though when I am spending time with my wife either I am just completely detached and thinking about my friend, or we are arguing over the smallest things to the point when I just want to walk away (but don't).

It seems my feelings are getting stronger for my friend no matter how bad I feel about it, and when I try to put her out of my thoughts they only come back stronger. The thought of telling my wife that I don't love her as I once did kills me, and is partially to blame for my ill feelings (as is the thought of putting our 16 month old child through that).

But all I can seem to think about is what a great relationship I have with my friend, and how much I want to be with her in life. And yes, I remain faithful to my wife and do not intend on breaking my vows, although just by having feelings of love for another woman in the capacity I once had for my wife makes me feel as if I am breaking them each day.

Should I be talking to my wife about my feelings? Should I be telling her these things that are inside my heart? I am honestly afraid to because of the hurt it would cause, and feel I am just carrying these emotions with me 24/7 and adding to my sufferring. I feel like a jerk because my wife is a very good and caring woman, and I am the one who has lost love for her. Am I being greedy by not telling her that I love another? I really don't know what to do next!
All that I know is I can not carry on like this for a long period of time, it is hurting me emotionally and physically, and is a pain that I have never experienced or wish to experience again.

So all in all things aren't so good.

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You have to do NC w/ your lady freind period and spent more time with W and also let W to fill in your need instead.

You have 2 years EA with OW, it will take a while before LU$ drained out.

I would not talk to W right now until you strengthen your M. I would talk to her if you can't do NC and need her help.

Direct her to this site also.

Hang in there and vent in here -rh-

Hello, I am new here but understand exactly what you are going through, as i am in the same boat. we have grown apart so much, i am not sure it's repairable, or if i really want to repair it. i have cut off contact with my friend and am spending more time with my husband and still no change. we are both in T together and independently. i think sometimes we just marry the wrong person, or we grow apart and nothing can change that. you can't force love.

no advice here, but just letting you know you are not alone in your situation or feelings.

ConfusedNY,

What is happening to you is that you are in an *AFFAIR.It's called an EA (emotional affair).This is why things haven't improved,you are confused and you are here.You should actually be over on the GQII(general questions) board and fast.You have already committed infidelity,of heart.

If you think things are bad now,they are only going to get infinitely worse if you continue to fantasize and think about this other woman(OW).

This is serious ok? You are on the cusp of your marriage ending.Do you realize that? For those of us who have been here a long time,this is something we can spot a mile away.You are between two worlds now: one where you think you can have such a better life "if only" with this OW and the REALITY of the life YOU CHOSE to have with your wife(W) and CHILD.

YOU have to take a cold hard look at why you got involved with this OW.A lot of times it is boredom,confusion,lack of committment,FAILURE to protect your marriage from OUTSIDERS and feelings of loneliness,depression and many other's.This issue concerns YOU confused.This OW seems like a "panacea" right now but she IS NOT.SHE is not the answer,nor is anyone but YOU.This is why you think you can't "feel" anything for your wife anymore,it's because the feelings are involved with the OW and that has to stop.Love and care cannot grow for your wife if you put that energy on the OW.

You are in withdrawal when you don't speak to the OW and that is VERY common and expected because you are in an affair.But like smokers who give up nicotine and drug abusers who give up that crack and meth,you MUST end all contact with the OW and forever.You need to go through the withdrawal to see clearly.

My suggestion is that you come over to the GQII board where there is more traffic and we can help you.If you want help to save your marriage,we can do that but we will NOT support you continuing contact with the OW and keeping the A going.And let me say this,the affair is bad enough but the pain of divorce is crushing and it is a very real possibility for you as long as you keep this all a secret and continue any contact with the OW.She has absolutely NO business being with you,a MARRIED man.

I am sorry if this seems harsh but I want you to realize the gravity.We see this over and over and I would hate to see yet one more marriage destroyed.This will be a test for you: your overriding emotion for the OW and what is RIGHT.

Do consider the GQII board,please.

O

Love is a choice ... in MB we believe that in-Love feeling could be created if you are willing and let each other to follow 4 gifts of love.

Withdrawal is hard but it is accounted for in dealing/ending with A. You have a choice and could do a lot to fix this ... for now have faith and follow the steps.

-rh-

ConfusedNY - what others here have said about this being already an affair is true, and that means that you must cut off ALL contact with the other woman, forever. Use that energy for your marriage and your wife. You can expect to experience a surprisingly painful withdrawl, even for several weeks, but hang in there and go on autopilot if you have to - but make sure you are kind to your dear wife throughout this time.

As for telling her, you probably know by now that Dr. Harley promotes "Radical Honesty," that is letting your spouse know absolutely everything about yourself that you know. However, I would probably preface it with a few days of extra-effort kindness and thoughtfulness so that you can show her your committment to your marriage has been renewed, then tell her that you would like to begin being completely honest with her about everything from now on.

Be tender and kind, and allow her to feel the hurt and anger of this emotional betrayal. Don't expect her to ever "forgive" but instead ask her to work with you to try to learn new ways of being together that will make your marriage "affair proof." I STRONGLY recommend getting Dr. Harley's book "His Needs Her Needs - Building an affair-proof marriage" and starting from there.

Above all, make sure that your beloved wife knows that you caught this before it turned into worse, but that you are terribly sorry that it ever got this far. Make sure she knows that you have voluntarily cut off all contact with the other woman, and that you will never again contact her as long as you live. Don't try to get your wife to accept what you have done, just try to help her feel safe again - because that is what you have taken away from her.

Have you read the Policy of Joint Agreement, elsewhere on this website? With it you are certain to heal this, and to prevent anything in the future, since you would need your wife's "enthusiastic agreement" to spend emotionally satisfying time with any woman in the future, and if she is smart (and you are smart, too) you will not agree to that now that you understand that this is an area of weakness for you.

Good luck, we really do all wish you everything good for your marriage. It is hard work, and it can feel very lonely at times, but if you do it you will come out the other side with a wonderful, satisfying marriage and a wife who adores you. Win-win. My prayers are with you and your wife. Read all that you can!

I cant agree more with what everyone is saying in here. You still have a chanceto turn things around. I only wish I had found this site before my wife recontacted OM and then had a PA with him this last fall. I am now really troubled about what to do and how to deal with her actions the second time. If she had ended it and put half the effort into us we would be happier than ever before. DO IT NOW, RIGHT NOW.

I hope you are still with us as many people who come here and don't get the support they want leave to continue on with what they believe is right,forgoing all that makes sense and hurting other's.

Yes it is very possible to save your marriage,regain in love feelings for your wife,keep your family intact and be happy.It's all possible.But you have to be on the right path do have that possibility.Seeking out this OW is not the answer and I can guarantee you that it will not end up like you might hope.Sacrifice your happiness? Take a long hard look at what that is right now.It's being in contact with a woman who doesn't care about marriage or vows or family.If she had an ounce of morality then she would not be talking to you.Let's look at actions.

You CAN get rid of the feelings for the OW,IN TIME.If you want what is best for your son,do what is right and put YOURSELF LAST.The best thing you can give your child is a loving, happy home with loving, happy parents.Do not be fooled into thinking all will be just fine.It most certainly is NEVER fine when it comes to divorce and children.I speak being a child of divorce and now going through one and watching my family be destroyed as I knew it for the selfishness of my WH.It means confused,putting your sons NEEDS above your own and whatever "happiness" you think is the best outcome despite all the PAIN everyone is about to be hit with with your confession.What's even worse than the confession is the CONTINUED betrayal and selfish behavior.It monumental.I would have forgiven my WH for all that he did but NOT the repeated contact with homewrecker and having our family,both families, torn to shreds just so he could be "happy".

Well,my WH doesn't see much of the homewrecker anymore and it was all for nothing IMO.A momentary confused state of happiness that he thought would last forever.Well it doesn't in affairs.A's are ugly and revolting and once the honeymoon phase wears off is when you will really come crashing down when you realize what you did and what was almost lost.Are you willing to do the work?

What you need to realize is that ACTION is what will turn this all around,and patience.It's not going to change over night but if you apply the MB principles to your marriage you have agreat chance of making it better than ever.

Is this OW "friend" married too? Does she have children? Will it be two families destroyed so you can be "happy"? Can you live with that in your soul?

O