I belive my husband is having an affair. He dinies repeatedly. I am not sure it is physical yet, but it has definitely crossed a line and I am not comfortable. How can I get him to come clean??

It's unlikely you'll get him to confess without some kind of evidence, if he is indeed having an affair. What makes you think he is? Have you tried accessing email accounts, cell phone records?

Okay - I should add more. I have been feeling very left out since this woman came into my husbands company. She came in the very month I gave birth to our 1st daughter. We went on a compnay trip to Mexico and she was there. I felt the chemistry between them instantly and my gut instinct kicked in. Since coming home from Mexico I have found our cell phone bills which show many mnay calls at weird times as well as when they are both supposed to be with their families. Oh - my H said that the cell phone company made a mistake!!>> Whatever!!! Then, about a month ago I found a text message from him to her saying, "I miss you baby". when I confronted him about this he said it was an inside joke.
He says ther are friends. Yet he knows everything about her bad marriage and he tells me that she knows nothing of ours.
What should I think??

Will you read my addendum to the first message? I would appreciate any advice..

Trust your gut instints. My instincts didn't lie to me.

If he is not physically cheating, he's emotionally cheating. That hurts almost just as much. You need to confront him and tell him how it looks to you and how it makes you feel. If he loves you, he'll listen. You may have to yell though.

Hi Allison,

Welcome to the forum. I'd have to agree that the signs point to at least an emotional and probably a physical affair. If you want to save your marriage, you'll need to fight for it. Exposure of the affair is one of the most effective ways to hasten its end. Does the other woman's husband know about the cell phone calls and that "baby" message?

Tell him that you are trying to save your marriage and ask him to help you. He likely has no idea what his wife is up to. Once he knows, everything could change. Don't worry about your husband's reaction. Tell him you'll do whatever it takes to protect your marriage.

Your tag line says you are now separated??? Is that right? Your chances of recovering your marriage are much much better if you two are still living together...

A couple of more questions...Do you have any children? How long have you been married?

Take care,
Natalie

Good Morning - we have am amazing 9 month old baby girl. This all started going down hill when she was born in April.

Yes we are separated, I wouldn't mind if he moved back in, but he says we would end up killing (not literally) each other becuase when we were living together, we fought every night and they were bad.

We have been married for 3.5 years. Dated.engaged for about 1.5 years.

Alison,

I posted this on your addendum:

"""OK, red flags, red flags all over the place.

Trust your gut feelings:

You detected the "chemistry". You found the incriminating cell records. He "knows" all about her "bad marriage".

This all screams "affair"; if not PA, then at least EA, which is only steps away from a PA.

Do not believe him. No H says "I miss you, baby" innocently to an ow.

Oh, and the phone company does not make this "kind" of mistake.

Do more digging. Do not divulge your source. He will only get more sneaky. Is the ow still with her H? When you have what you feel is enough "evidence", expose to her H. Do not tell your H you are going to do this; just do it. She may be lying to your H about the state of her marriage."""

You have a lot of work in front of you. Asalready advised, you need to get your H home. His living apart from you facilitates the continuation of the A.

Do you know the identity of the ow? Do the detective work. Get her name, address, phone #, her H's name, contact info, and then expose to her H. The "I miss you, baby" test message,combined with the cell records is IMO, enough to prove an EA.

I suggest you start to post on GQII. There is a lot more traffic there, with folks who are more "expert".

Again, good luck.

Is your husband cheating??? IMO, yes. Cheating doesn't have to be sex, it can be a betrayal of trust.

How can you get him to tell you the truth??? You may not ever get that from him. In my case, the OW told me about the A. Not H. H did admit to it after OW and I spoke, but not before the proverbial S*IT hit the fan.

Try MC, if he is interested. Or try IC if he is not.

Good luck and God bless.

What other kind of digging can I do?? And I feel like if H is truly not having this A, then my calling the husband will push my H even further away.

I feel I am at an impass and that I must wait this out. My major problen right now is that they will be going to CA on a business trip next weekend and I am just certain something will happen.

I have come right out and asked him if he has touched her, kissed her, in love with her, f*c*ed her, as well as if he wants to. He said absolutely not. I truly do want to believe him. He was at one point a decent man.

I understand she is giving him something that I have been lacking, but darn it- I am THE BEST WIFE EVER!!! And he is losing out BIG TIME!!!!

I have asked him if he can see how this "friendship" has betrayed my trust and he said yes. Is that admitting to anything?? At least he does recognise that?? Am I being naive or lame???

I really need help here, I love this man, I love our DD, and I loved and can love our life together. I need to make him realize this ASAP. He truly is ruining his, mine, and our DD's lives with this foolishness...

I don't know if you understand yet that you are in for the fight of your life, if you want to save your marriage.

You say you are afraid that by exposing you are pushing your H away.

In fact, by doing nothing, by "waiting it out", as you say, you are enabling the A. It is a guarantee, absolutely, that if nothing physical has happened yet, it will happen on the business trip.

Have you bought/started to read the Harley books, "Surviving an Affair", "His Needs, Her Needs"? You must get these books today. They can be found in Border's Books, Barnes & Nobles, on Amazon.com, and through this site.

Everyone who comes here, myself included, thinks their situation is unique. Wrong. In fact, affairs have so many commonalities. Read everything on this site. Go over to GQII. Look for threads on "Fogese", "Signs your spouse is cheating".

Consider this, it is what happened in my situation: My H and the ow were in a full blown PA. Her H found out. He confronted her with undeniable proof, threatening to expose to me if she did not break it off with my H. She placated, promised, and did not break it off. The A went on for another 6 months until I found out. Her H enabled the continuation of the A by not exposing.

Will your H be totally pi**ed? You bet. Will the sh*t hit the fan? You bet.

But, what do you want? Do you want to lose your marriage? How ugly do you think it's going to be if you have to fight over custody/visitation of your daughter? Do you want the ow at your daughter's birthday parties?

This is a fight. You are fighting for your marriage, your daughter's family.

What more digging can you do? You already have the cell records and the text message. Can you access your H's e-mails? Do you have access to his car? You can place a voice-activated tape recorder in the car to record conversations he has while driving. You can hire a private investigator to follow your H. You can check yourself to see if ow's car is outside your H's apartment.

First, read everything on this site.

Good luck.

Alison,
All signs point to a rather involved affair. Was the separation his idea or yours? Have you heard ILYBINILWY yet? ("I love you, but I'm not in love with you.") Most people don't leave a mostly stable marriage & home life, baby, home, etc unless they have somewhere (or SOMEONE) they think they want to go TO. That's just human nature, you don't upset the apple-cart that much unless you are being pulled in another direction by SOMEONE or SOMETHING. Fighting or an imperfect marriage or stressful homelife don't usually make people move out, esp with a new baby at home.

Go on the assumption he is having an affair; move into Plan A. I found a few books extrememly helpful

"Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley
"Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson
"When the One You Love Wants to Leave" by Donald Harvey

I highly recommend you digest all three, available at the library or Harley's book on this site.

I don't think you need more evidence unless you yourself don't believe he's having an affair - then you need it for yourself. But you don't need more evidence to know what to do next as far as this site goes - Plan A & expose!

You can do this! Do you have a good support group of friends, family and/or church/pastor at this time??? You will need one, choose carefully who you share with though - find calm experienced people who are pro-marraige, not quick to make "You just need to kick his cheating butt to the curb and throw his possessions out in the street" comments, you don't need that kind of "help" right now.

MSA

Allison,

Going back to your post regarding the "business trip", you have IMO been given a gift here, the chance to intervene before this EA morphs into a PA.

If it is true that the inappropriate extramarital relationship (EMR) that is going on between your H & the ow is not yet physical, you have the chance to stop it before it goes that last, horrific step.

And, the only way you can do that is to expose. Expose what you know to the ow's H.

Please do not be afraid. Do not let the "Conflict Avoider" in your heart stop you. We all know how hard this is.

Call him today. You have less than a week.

Good luck.

I am too scared. I am too scared that my H will seriously hate me if I do that.

I am the most naive person I know. I do not want this to get physical at all. I mean an EA is enough for me at this point, but I am not sure I can get him back. but what kind of life will he have with her?? He says he does want to be married to me, to the way we used to be. Is that how the OW makes him feel??

I know this is not my fault, but she is a nasty WH&RE!!!! Should I really call his company?? Don't you think that is a bit much?? I do want to expose him more, but he denies everything and has an "explanation" for everything...

He comes off as such a good man to everyone - he is a very charming person. He has a ton of respect from everyone in the company, so why would they believe a "crazy wife"??

OMG - I am losing it!!!

You are not losing it. Take a deep breath. Time is actually on your side.

I know you are scared. I was scared, too. We all were. But, you have to do this. You are the only one who can. Otherwise, you are going to be looking at this homewrecking bi**h at family events, and she is going to be involved in the raising of your DD. Plain & simple.

I saw your posts on GQII. You are getting great advice over there. Take it - the advice. All of us have been down this road. Those of us whose marriages are recovering had to do brave things we never thought we could do.

Did you have natural childbirth? Nothing is harder than that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

If someone was going after your DD, you'd fight them to the death, right? OK, here's your fight.

First thing, as you were already advised, calm down. Get the books. Do a quick read. Craft your plan for exposure. Do not tell your H. Then, do it - expose; to your family, your pastor, ow's H. Do it, before the end of the week You have the proof. Don't worry about being believed.

Also, ask your H not to go on the trip.

Good luck.

I would fight like hel* for my daughter, you are right about that. So my marriage ranks right up there with her so I am going to fight fight fight.

I feel stronger when I am here on mb. It is helping tremendously.

I cannot ask him to not go on this trip. What would I say. He denies the A, so why would he not go? Plus it is an important trip - entire company, blah blah blah. But they always get hammered on Saturday night and I know that if anything happens it will happen then...

Holy poop. I cannot believe I am going through this. What piece of sh*t would do this???

Am I fighting for the marriage or am I fighting for him? Should I fight for him? Is he worth it?? These are questions I cannot answer?? Now wha

OK, you can't ask him to stay home. Fine. Then, can you go? Could you have you parents/in-laws stay with your DD and you go out, even if only for Saturday night? At this point, 9 months after you've started your family, even if there was no A to worry about, a getaway together would be a good thing.

I agree with healingT4J whole heartedly. You can not be afraid! This is your life as well! I understand your concern for upsetting him, but haven't you been hurt? In a marriage you are always going have to face some sort of obstacle. Muster up some strength and talk to him!