Before I get jumped on for this post - yes I am the WS and I did all that I do to save our M. I did go to C, H would not go. I apologized, made ammends (or at least tried to). Things were going well for a year and in March of this year H decided he didn't want me anymore. Without going into details, finally in April I filed for D and he is now living with his secretary (who he'd been having an A with for 3 years).

Any how - now that I'm back in the dating pool - when someone is flirting with you, how can you tell if it's all in fun or if they are dropping hints that they'd like to get to know you better on another level? It's been so long since I've been out here I don't know what's what.

Any help? What frightens me is that I've basically been single since April when H moved out and in with his secretary and I have not had a date, no offers no interest.....nothing. Until now. there is a guy at work that is very very nice and he's been kind of flirting with me. Just don't want to say or do the wrong thing. Need all the help I could get please!

Been a while for me too but in your situation I would probably go with my gut feeling. Does he seem interested as you do? Then I may step it up a notch and see where it goes. What do you have to lose? Maybe I should tell you I'm a guy and a BS. I too have been descibed as you said"very very nice". This also equals shy at times. Good Luck

Jasper - thanks for the feedback. It's so hard to tell if someone is flirting because they really want to get to know you or because they want to see if they can "get some" if you know what I mean. I realize that as the WS it probably sounds odd that I can't tell what this guys intentions are. Qutie frankly I'm a little gun shy. I thought I was doing all the right things to put my M back on track only to have my H up and leave me for his Secretary (who he'd been having an A with for 3 years.)

Maybe it would help if I explained my story a little, my A was a result of a very abusive M, physically, verbally and emotionally. The OM was a friend, someone I trusted and obviously trusted too much. Things only happened once, which is defiantely one time too many. And of course once I got caught I did all the usual things a WS does and finally came clean, told all the details, apologized, really tried to right my wrong, which I am truly sorry I did and I have learned a very valuable lesson. However, with a M like I was living in, the situation was not going to change, the abuse was never going to stop no matter what I did. So finally I kicked him out and he went right to his secretary.

Ok, enough of that, what's done is done, the past cannot be taken back, only learned from. Back to the flirting guy at work. I don't want to rush anything, I don't want to assume anything. He appears to be very interested in me and I guess time will tell if he is sincere.

A few hints... I would not tell this guy at work any of the details of your divorce. Talking about an ex... especially on a date will make him think you have unresolved issues and bagage and it will scare him away. Make sure the first date is light and fun and care free.

The fear and feelings you deal with... in terms of not knowing his intentions are quite normal. If I were a girl I'd have a really tough time with it and become callaced once burned a couple of times. There are things you can do... such as try to do activities that have zero to do with sex and see if he's interested. If all he's interested is a quick fling, he will find learning about you an annoyance and "scarry" because it's too much comittment. But if a guy wants you bad enough, he may put up a good front for months just to sleep with you. Unfortunately, that's just a risk you have to take and he will show his true colors by bailing if that's all he was interested in. I think the only thing you can really do is 1. Not leave things ambiguous. Let him know you are looking for a relationship. 2. Don't have sex too soon 3. see how he reacts to activities that center around getting to know each other and have nothing to do with sex.

Please do try to take it slow. The people who say they are trying to take it slow are usually the ones that end up sleeping with the guy on the 2nd date because he was totally charming. Charm is cheap and external. Try to see his heart.

How big is your workplace? And how much contact do you have with this man? I'd think twice about dating a coworker. If it doesn't work out, and most relationships do not work out, you are stuck facing him day in and day out.

Also, excessive flirting in the office can be bad for your image.

If it's a big place and you don't see him all the time, why not ask him to join you and some others for drinks after work? Then, you can see if he sits next to you and talks to you. See what he wants to know about you besides flirting.

Flirting is fun, but if he's interested in something more, you'll soon see.

thanks to both of the new responses. this guy does know the details of my divorce, he happen to come into my office after a rather upsetting call from my STBXH and I was in tears. He was caring, concerned and I do mean truly concerned. He asked questions, really listened to the answers and even after hearing all the crap he still flirts with me.

How much contact do I have with him? Well every day is different. I work for a construction company and he is in one of the trades so we don't directly work for or with each other. There are days that we don't see each other at all except in passing in the parking lot and there are other days when he's around alot more.

My gut feeling is that if he wanted a quick fling he'd have made a move for that by now and he's made no such move. I don't believe in conicidences. When we first met he had absolutely no reason to come into my office and threaten to shut off the power (he's an electrician), he didn't know me from the man in the moon. It was obvious he wanted to meet me. I must admit that when he did that it ruffeled my feathers a bit - i wasn't sure if he was joking or not. He has a very good sense of humor, very friendly and since he knows most of my story (not every little detail but he knows the major items) he is very protective of me.

I just don't want to do the wrong thing, I don't want anyone to get hurt. I've done the hurting and been hurt so I don't want to go down that road anymore. My gut feeling tells me this is worth sticking it out to see where it goes. It's been so long since I've felt anything like this it scares me that I could feel something, possibly something really wonderful.

It sounds like you are still married, but in the process of getting divorced. So, you need to be very careful. You need time to recover and heal that could take many months, probably years.

Assuming you are still married, many men will avoid you because they don't want to be involved with a married woman, even though the marriage may only be a legal technicality at this point.

Give yourself time to heal and adapt to your new situation.

I think flirting is partly fun and partly serious. Sometimes it's more fun than serious, at other times it's more serious than fun. For men, I think there is always a serious component. We like to think that women find us desirable, even if we are not available.

Well my STBX and I have been apart physically since April, emotionally for longer than that. My D will be final 1/27/06. I've always been very upfront with my status.

I know that I'm not completely healed, but I had my "Ah-Ha" moment back in december when after a very abusive phone call from the X I decided that I didn't have to keep my mouth shut anymore, I didn't have to take his verbal slams in order to keep the peace so I stood up for myself. I felt freer than I had ever felt in my entire married life!

this gentleman that I'm speaking about, the one that is flirting with me and who I'm interested in witnessed that particular phone call. He also witnessed my release of tears afterward. They were not tears of sadness, they were tears of relief, relief after so many years of having to take that crap. If this didn't scare him away and if he was truly only flirting to boost his ego, I think this very situation would have caused him to turn tail and run! But he was very very kind, understanding, didn't try to do anything out of line (not even put an arm around me) he just listened to me and we talked about it.

Call me strange but there is something different about him and this situation. I guess I'll just have to let time take its course.