I have been feeling very left out since this woman came into my husbands company. She came in the very month I gave birth to our 1st daughter. We went on a compnay trip to Mexico and she was there. I felt the chemistry between them instantly and my gut instinct kicked in. Since coming home from Mexico I have found our cell phone bills which show many mnay calls at weird times as well as when they are both supposed to be with their families. Oh - my H said that the cell phone company made a mistake!!>> Whatever!!! Then, about a month ago I found a text message from him to her saying, "I miss you baby". when I confronted him about this he said it was an inside joke.
He says ther are friends. Yet he knows everything about her bad marriage and he tells me that she knows nothing of ours.
What should I think??

Alison,

As I am not one of the wise ones here , I'm not real good with advice since I can't even seem to follow my own.

But if I were you I would follow my gut and start snooping because it sure sounds like an affair. Maybe not a PA yet but and EA for sure...

Please read everything you can on this site about the plans and get started.

Glad you found Marriage Builders its a wonderful place for support and ideas on how to bust up the affair. Keep your eyes and ears open....

Is the OW married as well? If so and this an affair expose it to her husband he has the right to know so he can try and help you put stop to it...

Good Luck to you and keep posting

Some of the wise ones will be along soon. Its slow on the weekends and holidays but keep bumping your thread and soon help will arrive....


Hurting

She is married - bad marriage. They got separated around the same time we did. They have 2 kids. So basically, if they are having an EA, then 2 families have just been ruined. Not to mention all of our immediate family who are crushed that we are separated.

How long have you been separated? Did you separate around the same time that he developed this FRIENDSHIP?

No - we separated about 2 weeks ago. Because we were fighting so much we had to get away from each other. He says it will help us to sort through our issues.

That's what they all say - but actually the time away "sorting through issues" is spent firming up the affair.

Men do not walk out on their wife and newborn child unless they are deluded by the fog of an affair. I am sorry but to answer your question -- yes...he is having an affair.

Go and talk to her husband, soon to be ex-husband and put your heads together and figure this one out. Drive by where he is staying at night...if you know...and you will likely see her car there.

Go by the office after hours and access his computer and voice mail. As his wife it is likely your company too. Search his files and make copies for yourself "just in case". This is an important step in protecting yourself legally and financially. As a business owner he can conjure up the books to make the company appear nearly bankrupt (most likely he may have plans to do this but since you have not given any indication of "catching" him he has put off actually cooking the books). If you are not computer savvy take a friend or relative of yours that is and back up the hard drives onto a Scandisk USB keychain back up drive or otherwise copy it. Pay attention to get copies of Quickbooks and/or Quicken Database files and copies of tax returns.

Is he supporting you??? Is he visiting your child?? Is he "acting" like he is staying in your relationship (ostensibly while he test drives a relationship with OW)???

Sorry to throw at lot at you but if I am right you need to get on the ball immediately to protect yourself and your child JUST IN CASE. Never trust a WS...believe only half of what you see and none of what he says.

Mr. Wondering

Expose soon to his partners, if any, as they may insure that he doesn't dilute the value of the business.

He doesn't own this business, so I am not worried about that stuff. He is supporting me and our child. Generously, I might add. Which I think is a big sign of guilt. How can I tell if it has turned into a PA?? Can I??

Her husband I don't think gives a hoot. And when we were in Mexico I mentioned to him exactly what I thought.

I desperately want to believe my H, but I am so mad and confused. I am scared to be a single mom.

Can somehting like this ever work out.

How to know if it is a PA?

1)he left his W, you
2)she left her H, him

He is cheating.

He is lying and memorizing chapters from the WS handbook!

I heard much of the same. Then I found out about them!

I also say EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE SKY HIGH OW AND BOTH FAMILIES! MAKE LIFE HARD FOR HER!

If you really wanna know hire a PI...you'll find all out. I did in one evening.

Yes affairs are busted up all the time. But only if you get some cajones and EXPOSE THE WAYWARDS! OUST THEM! LIES LIVE IN THE DARK AND HATE THE LIGHT!

Good luck.

Do plan A, learn Carrot and STick of A, and the 180 list which will help you become more attractive to WH.

What is this plan A and where is this 180 thing. I am new here and have no idea what I am doing.

Whether it is a PA or an EA is really of no consequence except maybe it will be easier to bust up prior to it becoming a PA.

This site is dedicated to reconciling marriages beset by infidelity. Yes, your marriage remains savable. But before you can reconcile you must bust up the likely affair. Either he leaves her or she dumps him. As long as one marital partner remains sane and continues to fight for the marriage it remains savable. I presume you are that person. The statistics on affairs gives you a much better than 50-50 shot at saving your marriage though I know it does not feel that way most of the time.

You will make it...with or without your marriage intact...you will make it.

I know firsthand how hard it is to not trust what your spouse is telling you. But don't.

Keep reading and asking questions.

Mr. Wondering

Okay - so he says he wants to save the marriage - he even told his mother that. He has gone to couseling on his own twice ( amazing since he told me he didn't believe in them).
I question his sincerity. I question everything he says to me.

As far as plan A is concerned, I think we are past that since he has moved out. Do I need to end contact? And how do I do that when he has visitation?

You are soooo far from Plan B that you should not even concern yourself with it yet. Plan B is only effective if preceded by an effective Plan A.

If he is going to counseling but still in contact with OW then he is likely only going to appease himself and his mother. To make the appearance of "trying". We call it "divorce counseling" where he gets to discuss and air out all his rationalization and justifications until the counselor just tells him to do whatever makes him happy.

I do not recommend marital counseling (other than Dr. Harley - available through this site) until he is committed to No Contact with the OW. Marriage counseling during a continuing affair is a waste of money.

There is a thread here that may interest you... SadMommy. You may have to go back a few pages to find it but it is recent. Her story is not over yet...but though she has not saved it she did do a separated Plan A with a newborn baby.

Does his mother know what he is doing??? Is he living with her now??? Can you get more evidence????

Mr. W

On second thought... I doubt he is going to counseling. It is likely a lie. Press for confirmation, innocently, saying you want to go to individual counseling as well and it might be productive for you to go to the same therapist...see what he says.

Another thought...you are mad as heck as your WH but somewhere within him is the husband you married. He is behaving despicably and the guilt pushes your real husband to the sidelines leaving only your WH to deal with. Plan A is often about separating the two and trying to attract back your husband and battle/ignore the wayward husband.

Good luck,
Mr. W

I am going to look at SadMommy. Thanks for that. I am so scared that he just does not want to be with me at all.

I truly want to ask him, "Do you want to be married to me or do you not want to be married to me" It really is that simple to me.

There, I feel, should be no 50/50 it may work out, it may not. If he says he wants to save the marriage, then he should do everything in his power to prove it to me, right??

I am not sure I have the whole gist a plan A. Is it more specific in the book, or does the website spell it out enough for me??

Unfortunately, if you decide to draw a line in the sand...you are likely to only get a wishy-washy response. He will say...I don't not want to give up my marriage but I am unwilling to give up my "friendship" either.

There is power in what you are saying... a Dobsonesque approach. Where he either chooses to get on board or you release him to his apparent adultery.

The trap is he may tell you what you want to hear and try to maintain his inappropriate relationship just the same.

Before you confront him with this read up some more and develope your plan. If you draw strict boundaries than you must back up your threats lest they become meaningless in the future.

What are his complaints about the marriage??? Are there kernels of truth in there that you can demonstrate you are working on or changing.

As far as him not wanting to be with you at all that is rarely the case...he is just fogged out by his likely addiction to the OW and does not know what he wants. It is this addiction that needs to be broken up first before you can see what you really got. He may be a completely unrepentent jerk that you are better off without or he may (most likely) become a FWH, repentent and committed to you and only you. Recovered marriages are usually better marriages. MB provides the tool so keep reading and asking questions. The ladies will be around more than I to help you.

Mr. Wondering

I know this all sounds crazy to you right now...just try to take care of yourself and develope your plan. With a plan you achieve a sense of control over yourself and what your WH does or does not do becomes less of a concern and more of a barometer for where you are and what you do.

Here is a link:

Plan A and Plan B

I read over plan A and i have actually been doing that for about a week and I do see the difference. H even said I am more like the woman he met. Is he just saying this.
His lies and his deciept are making me scared and paranoid and I need to hae this end.

I know he is trying to appease me, but i still want to belive him. What can I trust? who can I trust?

Hi Allison,

You said...



Great start. Keep at it. You've got a ways to go.



Get yourself some support here. This is a battle for your marriage. Tell the other woman's husband everything you know. Tell your mother-in-law as well. Tell them you want to save your marriage and keep your family intact and would like their help. Make it very difficult for them to continue their affair. Do not tell your husband you're going to do this. That will just give him time to make up a story beforehand.



Trust yourself. As Mr.W said above, no matter how things go, YOU'LL HANDLE IT. You're going to be [color:"blue"] FINE [/color]. Just fine.

Take care,
Natalie

(((Allison))) I figured I'd wander over here and check out your thread, since you posted on mine. This is going to be a long post!

How long have you been married? Where did H go when you separated? Does he come see the baby often? Boy or girl, btw? Do you have family/friends nearby who can help you when you need a break?

I can tell you from experience, Plan A is HARD when you're separated. My WH acted like he wanted nothing at all to do with me. He doesn't even give me any respect as the mother of his child. We split up in Sept out of the blue when he walked out and went straight to OW's apartment. I didn't want to believe there was an affair involved, but when I told people he had left, that was the first thing they said... is it b/c of OW? So I went through the cell phone bill, and my memory, and put two and two together. I tried Plan A... I wasn't very good at it, b/c I was/am so emotional when there's DD involved. It's so hard for me to comprehend him leaving our family as it's just getting started. It was very difficult to meet his ENs, which are mostly physical, b/c he didn't want anything to do with me.

I tried exposing... to our friends, my family, his family, his co-workers. I don't think it did much, though. I gave up and filed for adultery after I drove by her apartment late one night (after he got his own place) and saw his car there. It was still there early in the morning. That sealed it for me. The whole time, I had wanted to give him the benefit of a doubt, but I couldn't be a doormat, waiting for him to come home when OW got tired of him. I figured, if he changed his mind and wanted to reconcile, then a divorce decree is just a piece of paper. Besides, maybe seeing the complaint in black and white would shake him out of it. Here we are, nearly two months into the divorce process, and he still hasn't gotten his head out of his a$$.

Even though it looks like we're heading for divorce court, I do feel like I'm on the way to becoming a MB success. Through the support system here, I have learned a lot about myself and relationships. I know that I will be OK, with or without H. Just like you will be.

Since my WH left, DD and I have started attending church regularly, and we're branching out to meet new friends. I've gotten more involved with my dance troupe. Please do something for yourself... an exercise class, a haircut at a nice salon, something to make yourself feel good. I know it's doubly hard when you have a baby. While many people on here say MC is a bad idea with a WS, IC can be a good thing to help you yourself. I would try some pastoral counseling.

Best of luck... there are many wise, caring people here behind you and rooting for your marriage!