Oh you are a real nice woman and I mean that - I would have only let that OW in my car if she sat on a towel and was handcuffed.
Now I want you to be real careful here -often when someone is in trouble they run to the person in their life who fixes everything ie: parent, sister/brother or spouse. Being an exS or not they need comfort and someone to make things better then after they are better they again leave the nest and go on with their lives. I am afraid for you and your good heart. I think maybe since he is still seeing OW he needs to take care of some of this on his own. Without you holding his hand and still contacting and seeing OW. Maybe it is time to set your boundries and tell him its either her or me. Break it off entirely or your on your own and let OW help you. Does that make sense? I am thinking you could be the one who ends up alone and broken hearted.

I agree with realtor, it's time to set your boundaries. Notice every time he goes to speak to OW about breaking it off, he comes back and says he just couldn't talk about it at that point blah, blah, blah. He has done that a few times. I see red flags slammed. He's on the fence again. I think it's time you recommend he NC OW or else you cannot help him as you would like to being his wife.

Lady

Dear Slammed,

You have gone through a lot the past few weeks! It seems, overall, your 2006 started out pretty well.

I do agree with realtor and ladysheep though - your H is at the lowest point right now, so he may actually FEEL the need to be with you, and he may mean that at this point. Because it does not sound like OW is the kind of person who is strong enough and kind enough to stand by him to help him out. But once he feels he is getting better, who knows? He has to break off with OW. Today is not the good day for the talk? Why not? When is the good time then?

You obviously showed your strong love and support for him, and you ARE his wife. On the other hand, OW has been a person for your WH to have fun with, that is all. He cannot keep her "just in case". If he is being so humble due to what he has done to you, the least he can do is to break off the other relationship.

Still, the fact he told the therapist you two are back together is good. I am very happy for you. You are a very nice person, and your sweetness and kindness have touched his heart. Again, if your WH ended up doing something stupid (like going back with OW again), he will lose something very big and important he would never get again, that I am sure of.

Milk

Thanks ARK, Realtor and Milk-
This has definitely been a really strange turn of events-
While I'm glad that WH has finally been motivated enough to
get an evaluation, get diagnosed, get the right meds, and
into therapy, I do feel disappointed and sad that it took
hitting such a "rock bottom" and such awful circumstances
to get him to take the steps-

I didn't really understand what caused WH to turn to me last
week, but realize that his depression, fear, anxiety and
the "shock" of the DUI situation probably caused him to
need/want the comfort and security of home and me. I was
glad about that, but also realize that it doesn't mean he will stay in this mind set, or even if he is wanting to break it off with OW, will be able to make it through the w/d and resist getting back with her-

Initially WH acted like he was wanting to break it off, and
I do believe he was sincere. He seemed to be really bothered
by their lingering contact, and expressed that he felt bad
about anyone getting hurt, about leaving OW "abandoned"
since she doesn't know anyone here, that he wanted to "ease"
out of it, or "gradually" end contact, and that if I was
going to be "mad at anyone, I should be mad at him" because
she was a decent person. (obviously he's not all the way out
of the fog !) The first time he went to talk to her was just
the next day after the DUI, and he was in a very poor mental
state, so as I'd expected, he was too stressed and exhausted
to be able to talk to her. The next time, he talked to her
for over an hour, and came back looking drained. I asked how
it had gone and he didn't want to talk about it, but still
said the same thing- that it was "basically broken up".
In our talking later that day, however, I got the feeling
that his attitude had changed a bit- he was sounding a little doubtful about being able to work things out, asked
about negative things I had said about him previously, and
I felt sure that OW had brought this on- maybe trying to
talk him into staying with her, causing him to have doubts
about the M or me, trying to convince him he just felt that
way due to the recent events. (although he denied it had any
thing to do with her or the conversation).

Since then, he has said some things making it sound like it
was a more mutual "break up". This has me wondering if she
actually broke it off with him, either because of him turning to me last week, or because she now realizes he does
have "issue", the DUI, and he's not worth all the hassle. ?
Then I remembered he said something like "she said she couldn't be in his life if he was back with me", and that
makes me wonder if she gave him an ultimatum ? Sounds more
like her breaking it off than him, or a mutual break to me.

He has not been as clingy or needy of me the past few days
and I am sure it partly just the fact that the initial shock
of the situation has worn off some and he's not as anxious
or depressed, but I also wonder if he is having doubts or
getting "back on the fence" ?

Another thing bothering me is that after staying at our house for the previous five nights, last night WH said he felt like he'd like to stay at his rented room, rather than our house. I asked "why ?", and he said "he wasn't feeling
real comfortable at our house" and that he was "still paying
for the room". I know he's said several times that he was
surprised he didn't feel comfortable at home, but I'd told
him I was sure that was normal, after him being gone for
about 4 months from our house !
He did ask if I wanted to come over and eat dinner with him,
and we had a pleasant time. I asked where we stood, or what
he saw happening with us, and he said " taking things slow
and working on things". I then asked how things stood with
OW, and he said "I already told you- it's broken off by
mutual agreement". I said I assumed they were still talking
some, and he said "a little bit" because she was concerned
about his mental state and making sure he was okay, and he
wanted to make sure she was okay too. I tried not to react
too much but said "I wasn't happy about him talking to her,
but would prefer he be honest about it than being secretive
or hiding it". When I left, he watched until I drove away
and had asked if I would call him after I got home. I did
just before bedtime- just said I had enjoyed the dinner.
Today- I called this morning to ask how he felt and was
doing. (the new medicine makes him tired and lethargic,
but is supposed to get better after a few days). We talked
about that, the weather, the dinner, and some other small
talk briefly. We don't have any plans so far for tonight
or the weekend, and I don't if I should expect we'll do
anything or not-

I would like to enforce a stronger boundary and really be
able to use this situation to my advantage, but am not sure
what to do ?
In his current state, and knowing he's going to have a long road ahead with getting adjusted to the new diagnosis and medicine, counseling, and the legal mess, he's going to need support, help and care, and I'd think that this would put some "points" in my favor. (not that I am happy about
his situation or misery - I am not taking any pleasure in
that), but I am kind of afraid that coming on too strong or
giving an ultimatum would push him right over with OW,
because he is going to need someone. I have no idea how
OW would do with being supportive or helpful, or if she
would get tired of it all quickly- so I guess if he does
go back with her there could be hope of that bringing about
a final end- ?

Any ideas or thoughts on taking advantage of the situation
while I can and building on what should have been a lot of
deposits in the love-bank in the past couple weeks ? How
to say or do more to keep the momentum going in favor of
the M ? How to put some boundaries or some type of plan
to be supportive and helpful but not get stomped on ?

Slammed

Have been much busier at work, so not as much time to read
and post, but wanted to give an update on WH ~

We spent a lot of time together on the weekend-
WH called Friday to ask if I'd like to meet him for dinner,
so we ate together and it was pleasant. We've also talked
each night, at about bedtime, which has been nice, and has
made me feel secure that he is indeed at his rented room.

Sat. he called to ask if I'd like to go with him on running
some errands and looking for fixures for the house he is
having renovated. We spent the afternoon going to several
stores and out to lunch. Got along well- talked in general,
and he was more upbeat and pleasant than in a long time.
Got concerned Sat night as I couldn't reach him when I
called at bedtime, as I'd been doing. I went to bed feeling
worried that he was possibly with OW-

Sun. he called. Before I even asked anything, he told me
had ended up going to OW's the previous evening, in order to
talk to her about what to do with his horse. (She brought
her horses when she moved here this past summer, and he had
bought a horse, which was boarded along with hers). He told
me he decided to give it to a place in an nearby town which
uses horses for therapy and under-privledged kids, and that
the OW had agreed to transport it there, since she had a
horse trailer. I asked if things had changed with her (as
far as them supposedly being "broken up", and he said NO,
that they were not seeing each other any more. I also asked
if he had stayed there overnight, and he said no.
I did feel that him deciding to get rid of the horse was a
good sign that he and OW were not staying together, but
didn't feel very comfortable about him going there, and me
not being able to reach him at bedtime.
We spent the rest of the day together going to lunch, more
shopping for light fixture, to the mall, doing some gift
exchanges, etc. WH took me to dinner at one of my favorite
Mexican places, then asked if I'd like to hot tub at his
place (the club where he has a rented room). Overall- a
nice day. I am trying to not ask too much, to observe rather
than react, and to put lots of deposits in the old bank !!

WH and I have talked a couple times each day this week, and
have seen each other each evening. Mon. night was his
counseling session (notes below), Tues night he went to a
class but came over to eat afterwards, and last night he
asked me for dinner before he went to play volleyball on an
office team-

WH has had another appt with his counselor. She asked
that I come too, and it was a really good session, with WH
talking about the lack of communication in his family as he
grew up, the obsessive-compulsive traits he has which are so
similiar to those of his Mother, him feeling like he is very
lacking in emotional and spiritual development, and how he
does not "process" feelings or emotions very well. Although
we are there for his "issues", his counselor is also a
family and marriage therapist, and seems to be pro-marriage
which I am happy about. She mentioned that working on his
issues would help us develop "the marriage of our dreams",
which made me feel very supported too.

WH also had another appt with his psychiatrist yesterday.
WH reported that he has been able to quit the constant
worrying and dwelling on negative thoughts, was feeling
more energized and better able to work, and was overall
feeling better than he's felt in years- all after just one
week of his new meds. (for bipolar disorder) The Dr was
very pleased, felt he is on the right medicine, and did
increase his dose as WH still has some trouble with sleep.
He'll go back for another check in 2 weeks-

WH still has not gotten results back from the blood test
he did when stopped for "suspected" DUI, so no charges
other than "suspicion" have been made. He did get a lawyer
so hopes to get some information soon.

I am feeling hopeful, as WH does not appear to be seeing
OW (other than visit about horse), and is spending lots of
time with me. He's also been wearing his wedding ring and
opened a new joint bank account for us at his work <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am continuing to try to take it "a day at a time" and do
have my guard up, realizing things could change yet again.
Thanks for the continued support, prayers, and suggestions -
I really appreciate feedback.
Slammed

It seems like you are so well grounded ... just be cautious you don't become too mothering. My only word of advice right now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

ok good news but guard your heart. He is in the honey moon period and will be in it for a couple of months at least.

Thanks Pepperband and Realtor-
SO hard to keep from getting hopes up when things start
going better, and I think I'm wanting too much, too soon,
as far as progress-

I do feel like things have changed for the better, but have
a nagging question about what has made things change ?
If he hadn't gotten stopped for the DUI in the middle of
the night on Christmas, I assume he would have gone home with OW, had a lovely holiday with her, and things would
still be as they had been... but instead, he called me
needing a ride, had a scary plunge into depression and
anxiety and things starting changing quickly...

The first week, WH was not in a good mental state at all-
couldn't sleep, barely ate, cried off and on, and seemed
really unstable. He started calling and got appointments
with lawyers, counselors and his Dr, of his own accord.
He called me frequently- just needing some reassurance and
comfort (I guess), asked me to go to his appointments, and
basically seemed to just "blow off" the OW. He was kind,
polite, apologetic and appreciative of me, and seemed to
have come quickly out of the fog and into clear thinking,
so I hoped this had caused him to see what he had been
doing, what kind of person OW was, and to give him the
incentive to get himself of that situation.

Now, a couple weeks later, I am extremely glad that he took
the steps to get help. I am so glad that he finally seems to
be with a Dr who knows what he's doing and was able to
definitively diagnosis him and get him on the correct meds.
I'm glad he's got a counselor who seems very good, and who
he seems to like and be responsive to- and it's wonderful
to see how much improvement there has been in his mood,
attitude and whole personality in just a short time-
but I still wonder what brought about the change with he
and OW, and what the real situation is with them now ?

I know that they ended up having a lousy Christmas, because
WH was totally freaked out,down, and anxious. He said he
wasn't able to eat, didn't want to open gifts, and just
went to bed early. I would assume this would have been a
little scary to OW, seeing WH like this, and might have
made her question if she wanted to be with someone who
obviously had issues (besides just getting a DUI for the
3rd time !) The next day, WH spent a lot of time with me,
and told me he was going to OW's house to talk to her about
their relationship because he wanted to "ease out of it".

The rest of that week, WH was calling me constantly, asked
me to go to his appointments with him, wore his ring, told
me he was sorry he had hurt me, seemed to be very "clear"
thinking and out of the "fog". Other than the hours we
were both at work, we spent all the rest of the time together, although he still went back to his rented room
to sleep at night. During this time, I know OW was still
calling him, as she sometimes called while he was with me.
Their conversations were short, and he told me she was
calling to make sure he was okay. (due to his mental state).

A few days later, he brought some of his things, and stayed
at our house for four nights. We didn't discuss it alot-
I felt good to have him there and know he was okay, and I
assumed he wanted to be there for some comfort while he was
having such a difficult time. I don't think he let OW know
this however, and their continuing to talk really started
to bother me. I tried to approach this carefully with WH,
letting him know I wanted to be with him, support and help
him while he was having such a hard time, but needed OW to
be totally out of the picture.

After four days, WH went back to staying at his rented room,
saying he was not feeling "comfortable" being back at our
house. I was worried this was an excuse that he wanted to
be able to more easily talk to OW or see her again, and
was fearful he'd no longer want to do things together and
we'd go back to the way we were previously-
Tried to tell him I thought it was normal for him to feel a
little strange being back at home, after being gone for 4
months, and would take more than 4 days to get used to- !

Now, it's been two weeks. We have still talked a couple
times during each day ( short conversation, seeing if he's
doing okay) and we did something together every night last
week. I went to his counseling session and Dr. appt, and
those went well. He was wearing his wedding ring.
All that has made me feel hopeful.

Yesterday, however, after spending the afternoon together,
he went back to his room to rest awhile. He called me later
and said he was going up to Ow's house to get the rest of
his things. Said it wouldn't take him too long, so I asked
if he'd like to come over afterwards to watch a football
game and eat dinner. He said he might. Well, I didn't
hear anything from him the rest of the night, and he wasn't
at his room when I called at bedtime, so I assumed, just as
last weekend, that he stayed at OW's house again.

This morning, he called, sounding "cheerful" and saying he
would come over to clean his car, then watch a football game. I tried to not make a big deal of it, but asked what
he had ended up doing last night, since I couldn't reach him. At first, he said he didn't stay at OW's for long, but
later did admit he watched the game there, and stayed the
night "because he didn't want to drive all the way back home". (it is quite a drive) I told him, "WH, you keep
telling me that you've broken up, but you still talk often
and you stayed overnight at her house, and that doesn't
sound like breaking up to me". He insists that they are
still broken up, and it's "not like that", but this just
isn't settling well with me-
Dropped it for awhile, but when he got ready to leave for
his room, we got into an argument. For my part, I just want
him to be honest and I want to know what's really going on
with he and OW. I want to know if he's plannin to work on
our M or not. I want him to get completely done with OW
so we can start to make some progress and have made that
very clear to him. I'm also trying not to push too hard
or too fast, knowing he's adjusting to new medicine, just
started counseling, and has the legal situation to face,
but sometimes it just gets so tiring with everything always
being about HIM !!
I asked if he had thought about moving back home. He said
he didn't want to and I asked if it was because he was still
hoping to get back with OW ? He said it had nothing to do
with that, just that he wasn't comfortable here, and that
when the house he is renovating was finished in a couple
of weeks, he would move in there. He also sounded less
sure about working things out, more back into the "I'm
not sure if I want to be married" attitude, which is what
he used to say,
I asked "how are we supposed to work on our marriage, if
we aren't together ?" (he had no comment on this)
I felt very upset when he left, assuming his seeming to have
changed his "tune" was the result of seeing OW last night,
and that things with her are probably not as "broken up" as
he wants me to think ? Can't figure out though, what is
going on, since he's been spending each weeknight,and the
weekends with me (other than Sat night), we are talking
often, and WH seems at least somewhat more open and interested in working on thinsg ????

My IC had suggested that I try to be supportive and caring
while not "mothering" or being TOO helpful, and that I let
things "alone" as far as OW, as her opinion was that their
A was on the way out, and to let it die on it's own.
I've been trying to do that, but it's so hard to not get
my hopes up, go back and forth with WH's moods, and not
know exactly what's happening !

Is it a bad sign that WH doesn't want to move home ?
Any thoughts on what is going on with OW ?
Think I should be somewhat "backed off" but try to Plan A
when we do spend time together so I can try to show WH that
I have changed, things can change, we still have fun, get
along, etc.?
Should I not comment or ask anything about OW for now but
sit back and observe ?
Thanks for any thoughts and suggestions
Slammed

Slammed,

I had a feeling he was going to do that to you. He is just like my ex. He has not broken off with OW, and is still lying to you. No IC would agree with you supporting him while he is spending the night at another womans home, and either would I. That is uncalled for, and you are being used by him. I am not happy with him. Protect.

{{{{{{{{{{{Slammed}}}}}}}}}}}}

Lady

Thanks Lady,
I really am feeling down and suspicious about this right
now, although I just don't get it- if they didn't break
up, then why is he spending all his time with me, and if
they did, why still talk and spend time over at her house ?
Doesn't make sense to me-

I feel stupid that I thought WH would just come running
home to me, anxious to work on the M, and I probably have
asked for too much, too soon, when I know that we can't
get anywhere until it's all over with OW.

Some of the signs just made me feel so hopeful- and it
really did seem like he wanted to break it off. Could it be
that the lure of OW is just too much ? ( can't imagine what
the lure is after seeing her- yuck !)

Don't know what to do now ?

Slammed

I know and I understand what you are facing again Slammed.

I used to do the same thing with my ex. He would get in trouble want me around until he felt better, and not so afraid. And then off he would go with another woman.

Your WH knows it's not right to be sleeping over night with OW being married. He knows that hurts you. Even after all you have done. He never intended to break it off with her totally since Christmas.

Could you imagine spending the night at another mans house
and not doing anything?

I think it's time for Plan B for you Slammed. Stop all visits to his Dr's while he has not broken it off with OW.
Call his IC and Dr., and tell her/him why you will not be coming, exposure to IC. You would love to be supportive of him because he is your H, but not while he is seeing OW.
I'm sure they will understand.

Lady

bump

Thanks, Lady for your support and suggestions.
I was considering Plan B before all this happened, and
frankly held off because my IC suggested it might backfire
due to WH's emotional/mental issues. I was doing what might
be considered more of a "180" plan, or "semi" Plan B.

I really hoped and wanted to believe that this "wake up
call" and the subsequent depression and anxiety that WH
suffered was him finally hitting rock bottom, and truly
think it did cause him to take a look at himself and not
like what he saw, but now I'm wondering if he's past the
initial "shock" of it all, feeling a bit better, and the
addiction to OW is kicking back in... ??

I've really "racked" my brains trying to figure out what
might be going on with he and OW. Doesn't make sense to me
either way- if they did break up, why still talk and why
spend the evening/night there last night ? But, if they
are still together, why he is now talking to me, saying he
wants to work on things, wearing his ring, and spending every night with me ??? Neither makes sense to me..

After WH left this afternoon, he called and said he was sorry that we had "fussed" but that he just didn't feel like talking, and got very frustrated that I wouldn't just
leave "things be". I said I was not trying to make him mad
or frustrated, but wanted us to be honest and open and that
I wanted to know what was going on with he and OW, as well
as what was going on with "us". He said nothing had changed-
that he did want to work on things but needed to take it
slow as he had a lot of things to sort out, and that he
felt like he couldn't just "jump" right back into the marriage because we needed to get to the bottom of some of
the reasons he was unhappy and left. Said I thought he now
knew that part of the reasons for his unhappiness had to
do with his bipolar disorder. He agree, but said he didn't
think that was all there was to it, and couldn't act like
nothing had happened. I agreed- have said all along that I
believed we could have a "fresh start" but would need to
BOTH make changes. He seems to think that I believe it will
be easy, when I haven't said or thought so, have just said
I believed people and things could change, and that I was
willing to do so. Did feel bad that he said he felt like I
hadn't changed at all as far as trying to get him to talk
when he didn't want to, or that I dwelled on things too much
as I have really tried to work on those issues, and it made
me feel like I did some LB after I've really been trying to
show some changes !
WH asked if I wanted to meet for dinner, then go to his
place to go in the hot tub, and it went okay, but now that
I am feeling really guarded, it was more strained than our
time together has been lately. Back at his room afterwards,
we watched TV for a short time, and things seemed to improve
but he got really tired quickly (side effect of his new
meds) and I left to come home.

I have IC later this week, so will discuss and see what IC
thinks (she is familiar with MB principles) but I know that
I am now going to have my guard up much higher and have to
keep from thinking things have changed unless/until I know
it's really over with OW. I guess only time will tell with
that...

Slammed

Slammed,

You sound so much like me ..... Only time will tell.

I am keeping you in my prayers that your WH comes around and does the right thing. You have been there for him and you should be proud.

Maybe your IC and give you some good advice on your next step. I wish you well and hope things turn out like you want...


Hurting

Thanks, Hurting.
I am so hoping that having hit "rock bottom", his finally getting help with a psychiatrist and counselor, and being
on the right medication would really help WH get turned
around and on the path home.. but only time will tell.

I feel like I've done my best to be supportive and caring,
let him know clearly how I feel, and show the path home,
and I guess there's not much more I can really do, since it
has to be him that elects whether or not to take that road.
Just wish I could put some "blinders" and a harness on him
and get him down that road without distractions ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I guess there's nothing I can do that will keep WH and OW
from getting back together but I am hoping that some of the
good signs are indications he has at least moments out of
the fog. Obviously, still he still talks to OW and saw her
on the weekend (supposedly to get the rest of his stuff from
her house, but don't know if that was true ) he's not all
the way out !

I'm sure hoping that his better mood and attitude and the
nice times we've had together will influence him, but still
seems like he has some anger and resentment towards me, and
is looking for reasons to think we can't work out. That
definitely seems to be the influence of the FOG and OW, I'd
think.

This morning I called WH to see how he was doing (have been
checking on him once per morning and afternoon since him
having the severe bout of depression/anxiety and getting on
new medicine) and to ask if he got any better sleep. Was
pleasant, and joked with him about his being off work today
(I had to work). He asked if I'd like to have lunch today.
This is where I'm always torn- decline, and push the issue
that he must end all contact with OW before we can do
anything, or go, and take the opportunity to show things in
the best possible light (Plan A or B ?)

Still feel clueless about what is really going on with he
and OW. He says they have "broken it off" and are no longer
"dating", but I do know that they still talk on the phone
"as friends" (gag me). He made it sound like he broke things
off originally, but then later it sounded like it was more
mutual, and I've wondered if it actually was her breaking
off, even maybe putting a "Plan B" or ultimatum on him ?

There does seem to have been some kind of change between them because I wasn't seeing or hearing from WH much at all
and now we talk a couple times a day, plus at bedtime, and
have done something together every day for the past three
weeks- ?

I have been fearful and my IC had previously suggested that
a true Plan B might backfire due to Wh's mental/emotional
health issues, but I'd sure like to hear what the Harleys
would suggest in this situation ! My IC had suggested more
of a "180" plan where I do some things with WH, am open to
working things out but not overly anxious, showed that I
was moving on with my own plans and life, and that's what
I have been trying to do.

I know with his just getting adjusted on meds, doing the
counseling, having a legal situation to face, that WH is
going to need me (or someone) and I'm a little fearful that
cutting him off onto Plan B might push him right to OW, who
sounded like she had every intention to keeping " her hooks
in him" when I saw her at Christmas.

Should I give this some time and see what happens with OW
while trying to take every oppotunity to "shine" and hope
that WH sees we have great potential, still have fun, still
get along, etc. ?
Thoughts and suggestions appreciated-
Slammed

why not call the harleys and ask your question?

I think you already *shined*

time to allow your H to experience life without your *light*

Been short on time, but wanted to update before I lost my
thread...

Things have been going okay-
WH had Dr.(psychiatrist) visit about two weeks ago and Dr.
was very pleased with his progress on the new meds.
I agreed with WH told Dr his mood was greatly improved- I
have felt like his whole mood, attitude, personality and
even manners were better just in a week. WH even told Dr he felt better than he had felt in YEARS !! As WH's sleep
patterns still aren't good (apparently a common happening
for bipolar disorder) they did increase his meds dosage to
see if that would help.

Wh's IC session, two weeks ago, also went well. (She is
having me come initially, which is fine with WH). I am
pleased and impressed with the way she really puts things
together and is "right to the point". She has already made
good strides in helping WH see the patterns from his family
that he repeats (poor communication, OCD, poor skill set for
dealing with emotions, lack of spirituality, etc). and the
relationship with those things and many of WH's issues, and
relationships now-
Was supposed to have another session last week, but was
cancelled due to bad weather and is rescheduled for tonight.

I also had a session with my IC last week. She feels WH is
making some positive changes, although reminds me it is
going to be a slow process and that I'm going to need to
continue to take it a "day at a time", with lots of patience
high hopes, and low expectations. She reminded me that he has a whole lot to deal with, process, and adjust to right now- like adjusting to his new diagnosis and new meds, getting into counseling, and dealing with the legal mess over his DUI, and it's going to take a lot of time.

My IC does feel like there are some positive signs towards
recovery. She reminded me that it is normal to have some
steps forward, and a few backwards at times, and to not take
things as "all or nothing" whether positive or negative.
I feel like I am okay with baby steps and slow movement,
as long as we are moving... but it's tough when it's been
such a long, drawn out situation, and I just want to "get
things going". WH has said he feels like we are making some
progress-

I am frustrated that WH still has some contact with OW (by
phone) since I just want a permanent, complete and total
break with her and no contact at all. WH knows this, and
has even agreed that we can't really get anywhere, or work
on our M at all, until she is completely out of the picture.
He seems to be having a tough time making the final break,
and I think part of that is him feeling some guilt and
responsibility because she moved here from out of state and
doesn't know anyone else. (as you can imagine, I am not
sympathetic to this, my suggestion is for her to move right
back home where she came from, or MARS for all I care !!)
IC has encouraged me to try to have some patience with this,
remembering that this fits right in with his OCD (obsessive
compulsive disorder and associated addictive behaviors) and
is going to be a tough thing for him to do- She feels that
I am continuing to show "the way home" and that he is going
to make his way there, slowly.
I would love to consult the Harleys for their view on this,
however can't afford it since insurance won't help...

On the positive side-
WH did get rid of his horse (she moved here with her horses
so he bought one too which was boarded at her house), he
got all his things from her house, and returned her garage
door opener.
WH has been wearing his wedding ring for the past few weeks.
WH has been much more considerate and thoughtful towards me
such as shoveling snow on the weekend,taking out the trash,
and taking me to some restaurants he knows I like.

We have been doing things together each evening and on the
weekends- things like running errands, meeting for dinner,
eating dinner at our house and watching TV, going to the
hot tub at his place, walking the dog, etc. and for the
most part our time together has been really pleasant.

Thanks for the continued support and suggestions.
Slammed

Hi Slammed,

Sounds like you two are slowly walking towards reconciliation, and I am glad your husband's mood and attitude have improved.

Like your IC suggested, take it slow, continue to have hope but maintain low expectations. Keep up a good work!

Milk